Unnaturally Perky and Upright

STOP PRESS! LOCAL WOMAN DISCOVERS BOOBS ARE BIGGER THAN GUT.

A young Australian woman was astounded to find today that her breasts actually stick out further than her stomach.

The woman, who would only be identified as "Dietgirl", discovered this phenomenon when checking out her own reflection in a shop window.

"It was in the post office," said Miss Dietgirl. "I got the shock of my life when I caught a glimpse of myself and there they were, just sitting up like that, as if they were their own entity."

Miss Dietgirl says previously there was no distinction between her breasts and "the colossal spare tyres" of her hips and waist.

"It’s been at least 6 years since there was some discernable shape about me," she said. "The stomach was always protruding further than the breasts. I am finally starting to feel like less of a shapeless blob and more like a normal, albeit still chunky, woman. I can’t tell you how happy I am."

Cynical sources have refuted her claims, saying that Miss Dietgirl was wearing a good quality bra that hoisted up her bosoms, thus creating the illusion that they were "unnaturally perky and upright" .

"She also was probably sucking her tummy in," they added.

Yesterday I spent an hour soaking in the bath BECAUSE I CAN. Six months ago I just could not get in that thing. I would have had to get a big crane to extract me from its enamel clutches.

It felt so good, to just lay there and soak and read a magazine and be totally self indulgent. I rolled over a few times. I kicked my legs around. I sat there stroking and poking my arms and cooing to them, "Ooh you’re getting so nice and firm now! Aren’t you! Aren’t you just!"

I got out the ol’ exfoliating scrub and polished myself from head to toe. Then when I finally got out, I slathered myself in moisturiser. I stood in front of the mirror and practiced various yoga poses and examined my calves and my butt and my waist and concluded that on the whole, things were getting smaller, slowly but surely.

Then it occurred to me that I was actually standing there, looking at my naked body, and I wasn’t crying, I wasn’t clenching my fists with anger, I wasn’t literally hitting myself or trying to smash the mirror. That’s what I used to do just seven months ago.

I know I say this a lot but I feel like I wasted soooo much time hating my body, hating myself. I wouldn’t go out, I wouldn’t answer the phone, I would pretend I wasn’t at home if friends came round, all because I was too ashamed of myself to be seen. This went on for years and years of my life.

I’m not even halfway to my goal but already I feel so completely new. I’m not hiding anymore. Sure, to most people I am still A Big Fat Mama, but who the fuck cares what they think? Those people are morons and they will never change. You can’t worry about what other people think of you. The only person you have to impress is YOURSELF.

And hot damn, I impressed myself last night. The scales WENT DOWN, baby! We had to move the BIG THINGY on the scale DOWN! I lost 1.3 kilos (3lb) and now I am only 0.6 kilos (1.5 lb) from the big 40 KILOS GONE!

I was so surprised and so fucking happy that I had to race over to the WW leader and tell her and she was over the moon, she had tears in her eyes and everything. "I can’t believe how far you’ve come" she says.

"Yeah but I’m not there yet," I said.

"So what? Look at what you’ve done! You should be proud! I know I’m proud."

"Mmmffgh."

"You never stay for the meetings. Can’t you stay next week? I want to tell everyone about you. You’ll be inspiring!"

"But I still have heaps more to lose! I don’t look any different!"

"It doesn’t matter! It’s all about the journey, y’know?"

Yeah, whatever, I thought.

Later that night I was laying in bed trying to think about how far I’ve come and how I tend to downplay my achievements. Why do I do this?

  1. Because I don’t want people (ie. you lovely Dietgirl readers, people at WW, my family) to think that I am an egomaniac.
  2. Because I’m scared if I start sharing my success, it will just stop happening. I’ll jinx it somehow.

So I had a little chat with myself…

"You’re doing good, you know that don’t you?"

"Yeah I guess. I feel like I’ve been lucky lately though. When’s the luck gonna run out?"

"It’s not luck, you idiot. You’ve been gymming and eating good and being kind to yourself. It’s hard work you know."

"Yes. Hmmm. I suppose you’re right! I am doing good."

"But you have to keep doing that."

"Oh I will. Don’t you worry."

"Hey, are you smiling? You are! I saw it!"

"I know! What can I say? I kick ass!"

"And is that a tear I see? You’re crying!"

"I know! I can’t help it! I’m so happy!"

"Me too!"

"Isn’t this great?"

"It is great! Hey, did you fart?"

"No! I did not fart. It must have been you!"

"But I AM you, you silly bitch!"

"Shut up and leave me alone, you smelly cow!"

Etcetera.

Try talking to yourself now and then. It really helps. You can have no better ally than your own brain.

Share and Enjoy

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Pinterest
  • Google Plus
  • StumbleUpon
  • RSS
  • Email

Comments are closed.