Hurrah! Week 2 of the 11 Week Challenge is over and I lost 2.2kg, which is 4.8 lb. I have been making a pretty huge effort to be good with the food, and I’ve been walking up a storm. Also headed back to the gym this week, at last. Things are looking good. However I am sure the big losses of the past two weeks can be put down to my body going into shock coz I’d been pretty crap for awhile there. I expect the loss will slow down now, but hopefully I will be on track to be 110 by December 31!
This Saturday I plan to tackle a new challenge, a Body Combat class. The WW weigh-lady goes to my gym and is singing the praises of that class. It’s kind of martial-artsy, taebo-ish, tai-chi-esque type thing. Hehe. I’ve been meaning to start that class for a few weeks now but my Saturday mornings have been consumed by moving and unpacking and cleaning, but this Saturday morning is free so I have no excuse. I always thought I’d had to wait til I was fitter, but the Fit Fairy is not going to come along and sprinkle me with Athlete’s Dust while I sleep. I need to get out there and just have a go at my own slovenly pace, dying quietly up the back of the class.
I also bought a kickboard and some goggles for the pool. Since I seem to have lost the ability to swim properly, I thought I could do some kickin’ laps. I thought kickboards were only for kiddies, but I saw heaps of people at the pool powering up and down with them. Plus the girls had them on The Secret Life Of Us, and I love that show, so if they do it, it must be cool, right?
Speaking of the pool, I realised the other day how bad my self-image and esteem still is. We were all set to go swimming late Sunday afternoon. Last time we went it was 5pm and very quiet. But this weekend my sister had to go out later so we turned up at the pool at 3pm. I got out of the car and saw all these kiddies and families going in, all skinny little things of course. I said to my sister, "I can’t do this." I just froze. I couldn’t walk in there and "swim" with so many people around. I felt physically sick and panicky. So after much apologising and weak explainations to my sister, we went home. Then I went and sat on my bed and had a little cry and felt like the fattest pork in the universe.
This was in spite of a positive thing the day before: I saw a friend of mine who went overseas in March 2000. I was huge then but I think I gained almost another 20 kilos (44lb) or so before I joined WW in January 2001 (yes I ate bigtime in the year 2000). So realistically, from March 2000 to now, I didn’t think I was that much smaller. I didn’t expect much of a reaction. She looked at me twice when we hugged hello. Then a couple of minutes later she said in her usual blunt style, "Fucking hell, you’ve lost a shitload of weight!"
I woo-hooed a bit and hugged her and said thanks because she was one of about 5 people who actually noticed. She said I looked fantastic and couldn’t imagine how people could not possibly notice.
So that was good. Then before we went swimming I got out my new black swimmers that I only have worn once. When I put them on the arse of them was all baggy. It looked like I was a baby with a shitty nappy (diaper to you americans), that’s how low they were hanging round my arse. Big chunks of fabric. They were all loose under the arms too. So either my swimmers got wildly stretched when I handwashed them, or my bod has shrunk a bit in the past 3 weeks since the last swim. I guess all that moving house and lifting stuff has shaped me a bit, but I dunno if it could have made much of a difference. Either way I was a bit annoyed coz the bastards cost me $70 and now they’re unwearable! So I got these other ones mum got me, size 20. They fit! Amazing. Size 20. Then again it’s swimmers and they stretch and they were probably a bit too tight across the arse, but they looked quite good. As good as it gets for 116 kilos in a swimsuit I guess.
Anyway, with all that, you’d THINK I would have been feeling all positive about myself, but nooooo. The sight of all those kids and lovely slim people at the pool made me freak. I felt disgusted for being at all happy with myself. Why? Because I’ve just downgraded from Super Fat Chick to Slightly Less Fat Chick. I am still a fat chick. I am stil miles and miles from ever being able to go swimming and feeling so hideously out of place. I am miles from being able to buy clothes from a "normal" shop. That realisation is hard to handle sometimes.
But I got over it. Kinda. I mean, it’s something that I torture myself with time and time again. But the torture is pointless. I have to stay focuses on the goals and just try and be happy with what I’ve achieved so far. I’ll get there eventually. Won’t I?