Well it’s been a long time between entries. Eep. Sorry folks. How are you all doing? I hope your holiday season went well. I am WOEFULLY BEHIND on email but I will get through it. I am so sorry. But firstly I have to say THANKYOU to all you wonderful people who’ve written, you are all so helpful and encouraging. I owe you bigtime!
My Chrissy was pretty bloody good. There was food galore on offer, but for the most part I ate very well and reasonably. I stayed away from the chocolates and chips and dips and just ate plenty of salad and fruit. I’ll admit I could not resist my grandmother’s caramel pie, but what the hell? It’s once a year. And it’s damn tasty.
The thing was though, I kept exercising. The gym was closed for a few days over Christmas but I made sure beforehand I did Pump on Chrissy Eve, and went for walks and went straight back when we got back home on the Friday, just in time for Combat class. Woo. At WW on New Year’s Eve, I weighed 114.7 kilos, a 0.2 kilo gain over Christmas (half a pound). I really was happy with that, and to be honest didn’t really give a shit because the scales are a crock.
As you can see I came nowhere near to my goal of 110 kilos by the end of the year. I’ve been hovering being 115 and 114 kilos for almost *two bloody months* now! Little losses, little gains. By about the third week of being distraught about this, I finally realised that fretting over the scales was getting me NOWHERE. Why? Because despite the scales not moving much, I have noticed BIG CHANGES in my shape.
In mid-December I had to go to my sister’s graduation and I needed an outfit. I got out this long skirt I bought the year before and couldn’t fit into, but now it was too big (size 24). So off to the shops we went.
I had the usual feeling of horror and nausea, as every shopping expedition seems to leave me in tears as I can’t find a single bloody thing to wear. But this time! Woo. My sister found me a nice skirt, about 3/4 length. I grumbled and bitched, saying my ankles were "too thick" for such a thing, but she made me try it on. And it looked great! I checked the label and nearly had a heart attack. It was a SIZE 20!
Woo to the hoo. That’s a US 18/16-ish. Kick ass. It’s been about 5 years since I could get into that. It was amazing to think I’d lost five years of fat. Plus my legs looked fine, they’re still big but there’s more shape to them now, instead of looking like tree trunks. You can even see the muscle in my calves. So I was estatic about that. I swear I could have cried in the change rooms, I couldn’t believe it fit me and looked good. It wasn’t an old lady skirt! I felt like a 24 year old chick instead of a sad ball of lard.
Next we had to find something to wear. We ended up at My Size. We were searching for a black top. I found a nice one with a flattering v-neck but was stressed to see they did not have the XL size. So I went and tried on the L. It was too bloody huge! It looked awful. But there was no M. So my sister told me to try on the Small. And it fit. Bloody hell. Heart attack number #2 for the day. It was fitted, but the sales chick said it was supposed to be like that. I was looking in the mirror and stressing, "It’s rather snug around the boobs, and look at my butt! Arrgh!". But my sister just rolled her eyes and said, "It FITS YOU. You’re just used to wearing tents. Clothes are meant to show off your bod, not hide it."
That was a strange concept to me. I know realise that you look a million times slimmer in well-fitting clothes than you do in baggy old crap. So I looked rather nice on the graduation day and felt so happy.
I was feeling so good about myself after that ocassion that I decided to take it a step futher. I went to the hairdressers and she said, "Just the usual? You’re still trying to grow it out?" and I said "No! I feel old and frumpy. I want to look young and sexy!" Plus I said I thought the longer length was making my face look fatter than it is. She agreed that we should make it shorter and I thought what the hell? It’s just hair. It’ll grow back!
So an hour or so later I emerged with a shorter, funky style and blonde highlights. It feels fabulous. I’ve never had so many people go "wow!" about a haircut, asking me who did it, saying how flattering it is looks. I feel so much more vibrant and happy, just from hacking off some hair.
At the post-Christmas sales I bought a lovely dark blue stretch skirt, a little below knee length. Also a size 20. It fit a little too snug around my belly and was going to put it back on the rack when once again my sister barked at me and said, "It looks good! Buy it!". So I did. It’s such a *young* looking skirt. I coulda weeped for joy. I still think my legs are too heavy for it, but it only shows my calves and although they’re not small, they’re a pretty nice shape now and I am just not going to give a shit. Besides, it was $22, down from $80! Who am I to resist such a bargain?
As corny as this sounds, the thing that has turned me around lately is finally just learning to like myself. And learning not to give a shit about what other people think. Did you know I went *swimming* with some online buddies a few weeks ago? I’d only just met them and it was stinky hot day and someone said, hey we should go to the river? I automatically started making excuses to bail, but then thought why are you holding yourself back? who cares about your thighs? So off I went! We all swam in shorts and t-shirts and noone gave a flying fuck about my big body.
I really feel like I’ve got a new lease of life, now that I’ve turned my thinking around. I am not letting my stupid excuses hold me back anymore. I feel like I have to make up for lost time, all those wasted years of doing nothing with me life. Sure I still weigh 115 kilos and I’m a size 20 but who gives a shit? I am not going to wait around to be smaller. I can have fun NOW.
I hate to be preachy but liking yourself is so important. I got an email from a brilliant reader after one of my depressed kind of entries in which I was bitching about having nothing to wear and people ignoring me because of my weight. She told me about a large friend of hers who always looks fabulous, because she puts in the effort to make herself look pretty, and she’s always smiling, etc. So I thought, hmmm this is interesting. And I put it to the test. I’ve started taking more pride in my appearance, lordy, I’m even painting my nails!
And she was right. THANKYOU! 🙂 I feel good when I put in the effort. There’s a spring in my step and I don’t feel ashamed of my body. And when I feel positive like that, I’ve discovered I’m more outgoing and friendly and people are just nicer.
Anyway. Damn, I am really crapping on today.
So I didn’t meet my goal of 110 kilos by the end of the year, but did meet my secret goal of wanting to get into a size 20 by the end of the year. Woo to the hoo.
Onward and downward for the next year! I will not let the scales get me down. I will be positive. I hope you all can be too. It’s much more fun than being mean to yourself 🙂