Oh kids, I have been such a slackarse. I was so crushed when I deleted that last entry by mistake, I had SLAVED over it, man! I can't even remember what I was writing about.
I think it was about the wee tiny differences you notice that help you keep going when the scales aren't being nice. Like trying on my sister's diamond ring. When she bought it in 2001, I could only jam it onto my pinky finger. Now I can wear it on my middle finger, just like she does.
It brought tears to my eyes! Seriously! I used to say "I guess I just wasn't made for jewellery", never believing things could ever change. Now I am sneaking into my sisters room trying on all her rings and bracelets and whatnot.
…
I have this issue that I wanted to ask you all about. As you all know, I'm living in this new country and these days I am squeezing my arse into a size 18 from the 'normal shops'. So I'm a big lass, but I'm not quite the wide load I used to be.
Has anyone ever lost a stack of weight and felt like it was some dirty secret? No one here has to know I used to be huge unless I tell them. So if they don't know, they don't understand why I am all paranoid about my body and looks because they don't know about the decades of misery that came before. They don't have the context, you see.
Yesterday I was sitting with some colleagues at lunch, talking about exercise. One chick said she wanted to try Body Pump classes, and I piped up to say how brilliant Pump is. Then I said I'd been doing it on and off for two years.
Here's the thing, I then felt the need to mention I'd lost a stack of weight. Why? Because my paranoia kicked in and I assumed they were all thinking, "She's been doing weights two years and she still looks like THAT?". So I felt this panicky need to explain my current size, how far I've come and to make it clear I am still trying to lose more.
Does anyone else do this? Why can't I just be out and proud about the way I look now, instead of feeling like I need to explain away my supposed freakiness?
And I can't even bring myself to say how much I've really lost. I usually say to the UK crowd that it was about 5 or 6 stone, when it's actually closer to 10. I get so worked up, thinking if I told them that I was seriously obese, would they look at me differently? Would they think I was some gluttonous weirdo?
I know personally that I don't look at fat people and think that. But to non-fat people, it's hard for them to fathom getting to that size. An example — at a friend's house a few months ago. These are all brand-new Brit friends who know very little about my past. We were looking at old holiday photos and my friend's brother was in one. At the time he was a really big guy, around 150 kilos.
"How can anyone weigh 150 kilos? How is that physically possible?" said another friend.
"Wow… That's like two and half of me," said another.
They weren't being mean or judgemental, they were just genuinely awed that it was possible. Meanwhile, I looked over at my sister and we exchanged a funny look. It was strange and uncomfortable. I felt like saying, "Well I used to be nearly 160", but I couldn't bring myself to pipe up. What would they think? "How could she let herself get that big? Holy shit!".
It's funny to have such a huge (excuse pun) part of your life a total secret. It's now three months later, and one of the friends from that afternoon is slowly turning into More Than A Friend. It's all very lovely and shiny and new, but inside I am brickin' it, as they say over here. I may be a lot smaller now, but I am more neurotic than ever about my body. I hate the shape of my boobs. My stomach is so big and flabby, same with my arms. I look fine with my clothes on, but underneath it's a disaster.
So as you can imagine, I am terrifed of things going further. He may just well be the most sweet and gorgeous guy I've ever met, who could possibly be very understanding about my Issues. But you know if it ever comes to me taking off gear, there will be soft lighting, and I will be rambling on. I will be feeling the need to EXPLAIN why my body is such a wreck and REASSURE that efforts are being made to rectify that. Then I will probably feel the need to outline my gym timetable, nutritionally-sound eating habits and highest squat weight, just so he knows I am aware of the problem!
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