The Nutty Professor

Being in the midst of losing weight is like being a mad scientist. There's so much zeal and exertion and obsession involved, you'd think you were ensconced in a laboratory, surrounded by test tubes and pinging machines, curing terrible diseases or inventing wacky machines. But really, beneath the white coat and unsexy glasses, you're just working on the All New SuperAmazing Fantastical BODY Project™!

I feel so protective of my Project. I get cranky when things stop me from working on it, or when I stop me from working on it. I've spent the last week in a cloud of snot, phlegm and fatigue, the novelty of which quickly wore off and was replaced by guilt. GUILT for taking time off work, GUILT for skipping the gym, GUILT for sleeping and eating too much toast. What percentage of my brain is wasted on guilty thoughts? Must get the boys in the Math department to tell me that one.

Anyway, last night I was still unwell but convinced every 60-something kilos I've lost would crawl out of a lard lake and re-attach to my body IF I didn't resume work on my Project, ie. get back to the gym. So I did. It was a stupid move. It was a 45-minute Body Jam class, and I could barely shuffle my way though it. I should have walked out but here was my demented logic: I was just about the biggest person in the room, and if I left the class, people would think, Hey tubby! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! I mean, The Class!

How stupid is that? In the 3+ years I've been gymming, I realise that noone really gives a shit about what anyone else is doing. Everyone's there for their own bodies. Still, my paranoia was sufficient for me to lurch my way through my class despite limbs that felt like lead and a pounding head. I should have listened to my body, stayed home and went to bed early.

Another facet of the weight loss/Mad Professor analogy is the secretive nature of it all. If anyone sneaks into the lab and tries peeking under the white sheet, well! Just watch me freak out! Noone's supposed to look at my precious invention until it's perfect! Perfect, I say!

There were two such incidents last Saturday. I stood up after my haircut, and shook off what I hoped was £27 worth of chopped locks. My stylist took off my cape, looked me up and down and smiled, "Are you losing weight? Your pants are absolutely huge on you!". I blushed, secretly pleased that she had noticed, especially considering this was only the second time she'd cut my hair, and that was only 5 weeks before. Yet I quickly dismissed it, "Yeah! I spose! Maybe a little bit. But not done yet!"

Then I arrived at work an hour later, one of my colleagues Belfast Bob said, "Have you lost more weight? I can tell ya know" and I said, "I think so. Maybe. Anyway, I'm working on it."

Don't look! Work in progress! Not finished yet!

. . .

Yesterday my lovely boy left for a two-week trip to Canada. The first thing I did when I closed the door behind him was bawl for a good two hours. Not because I am some pathetic git who can't function for two weeks without a man, but because I just didn't like that whole saying goodbye crap. Reality was biting me in the arse – I'm Australian, he's Scottish, and I get kicked out of the country in 12.5 months time. And in that time, I am travelling for at least five weeks, he's away for at least 7, so add that all up it's bugger all time left together. Who knows what's going to happen, I shouldn't even speculate, but it was still a gnawing yucky feeling in my gut, knowing that sooner or later I will have to face up to that.

Oh what a lovesick twit I am. Did I tell you about my raging insecurity, my belief that him being away for two weeks will give him to wake up and realise that I am actually a moron? That I am not worth sticking around for?

You know what's funny about losing a whole stack of weight? Nothing really changes. All that happens is that you lose the thing upon which you used to hang all your neuroses and Issues™. Fat has a shape and a name, it's a tangible thing, a scapegoat, an excuse, a mouldy old sofa so familiar that has an imprint of your arse on it. So once you lose that, you realise you're stuck with your moronic core.

This entry is sponsored by the letters P, M and S.

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10 thoughts on “The Nutty Professor

  1. Oh my god! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for verbalizing that so clearly when I’ve been searching for the right words for months!
    “You know what’s funny about losing a whole stack of weight? Nothing really changes. All that happens is that you lose the thing upon which you used to hang all your neuroses and Issues™.”

    Wow. I get so tired of explaining to people that losing weight does not magically transform your life into a “Stetson for Men” commercial. Not that I lost weight or anything. Ummm…I’m working on it and whatnot.

    Oh, and get better, of course!

  2. Seriously. Wtf is up with all this obsessing we do. My current body project has me manic obsessive – it can’t be 100% healthy. But I’m being good to my body, isn’t that healthy? Not when I’m wringing it all through my mind tri-minutely. Glad to hear you have some of neurosis. Oh and, I say you kick those insecurities in the balls, because you rock. I hope those 2 weeks in Canada just fly by!

  3. Oh yay, DG wrote something new !! Wait… mmh… oh geez, she doesn’t feel that well… Come on, can’t she realize what a terrific, witty, smart, kickass girl she is ? And with an All New SuperAmazing Fantastical BODY Project™ going on, too ! Somebody’s gotta tell her !

  4. Oh my God, that had to be one of the best posts I’ve read in months! You hit the nail on the head for so many issues. I haven’t been to a gym in years (I work out at home) but I know exactly what you mean – the fat girl is lazy and can’t hack it. I used to try and be the best one in the class, would stand in the front row and try so hard not to huff and puff. That would show those skinny ass girls, wouldn’t it? But you’re right, they barely glanced at me and really, I barely glanced at them, just looked at myself the in mirror the whole time, berating my jiggly tummy and thighs. Even when I lost quite a bit of the jiggle, I still did feel huge. And then I would feel embarassed, because I used to be so huge and I didn’t want anyone to know that I used to be a big fat girl. Yes, you’re right, nothing changes when you lose weight. Hell, I still use it to stack my neuroses and issues on – oh, I used to be a fat girl, so I’m won’t be very good at that, or what if they knew how big I used to be, then they really wouldn’t like me.

    Unfortunately, I’m all about P, M and S this week too. Sucks, doesn’t it? Guess that’s part of the reason I can relate to this post.

    Don’t worry about your man being in Canada. He will miss you, too, and think about the wonderful reunion you’ll have when he gets back. Something to look forward to and plan for.

  5. That is an awesome entry, you should work on it and submit it to Erin, it’s so very true, everything you say! Except for the moronic part, you’re not a moron at the core.

  6. Secrecy. Hallelujah! At work it’s been impossible to hide the fact that I’ve got my own “body project” going on. All the girls here (even the skinny ones) happen to be going through a phase of obsessing over their bodies, trying fad diets, working out at the studio gym non-stop (could it be an L.A. thing? probably.) So of course it got around when I joined up WW five weeks ago with a co-worker (who decided not to continue after week 1).

    But, like you, I don’t want anyone to know I’m going through this – maybe I think it emphasizes my hefty appearance in the eyes of the informed.

    Sometimes I wish there was some sort of government-subsidized “fat camp” – a resort-type of place (preferably on a luxurious tropical island) that us heavy girls (and guys, alike) could drop everything for and just do the whole weight-loss – then come back to our lives looking and feeling absolutely smashing.

    Wha? Oh, wake up julie!

  7. I feel just like that, I lost some too and been pleased about people not saying anyting about it but now they are starting to comment it.

    I just feel like you that Im not done yet and dont want any comments. Not sure I want comments later either. I dont want comments gaining weight and not loosing either. This is my project.

    The think is that I have problem motivating myself now and I dont know why. I think maybe its cause Im scared of loosing more cause then I will have to face being normal eventually and I dont know what that is like.

    And I must say that I was not prepared for the comments I didnt know what to say. I dont want to talk to them about my project as its my private thing. I just do like you mumble and try to ignore it without being rude.

    When some ask I just say, I started to excersise again. I used to be very athletic even if I was heavy but then I stoped and just got very fat.

    My biggest goal right now is to find the motivation again.

    Meantime I continue with the excersise to keep it up and it helps me shape my body as well.

    Thank you for a good entry ‘s*

  8. I so understand the whole “once fat, always fat” concept. Skinny Daily Post’s Juju made an awesome entry on this too. For me, I try to adopt the “well, fck it” attitude. I was fat, I’m still overweight, I’m gladly working on it, and surely I think I’ll always relate to heavy people out there, BUT (and, yes, this is quite a big but) I want to have my share of that Skinny Bitch Feeling “these” girls have. And enjoy it. Aren’t we allowed to feel it, all of us who are such fighters ? We have to console our inner fat kid and indulge into this. Oh, and yes, gimme P, M and S this week too 🙂

  9. Re the boy being a Scot and you not. You have a few options, you can ask your employer to sponsor you, you can suggest the boy move back with you and see how that goes, you can atempt the long-distance thing, you can split up, or you can get married. My boy and I were in a similar predicament 18 months ago when he was made redundant, thus losing his sponsorship and the ability to stay here. We figured, okay, if we move to Oz to be together that’s a whole lot of upheaval and will only buy us another year before we have to either marry or split up. So we got married. It was sooner than we’d wanted to, but we would have got around to it eventually.
    Best. Decision. Ever.

  10. I used to feel like that. I too have a long story of battling the weight monster. From a skinny kid to a chubby teenager to an obesse woman (130 kg is considered obesse)I have yo-yo’ed for ever, till 3 years ago more or less. Now I realise that when I was 68 kgs when I was 16 I was feeling the same disgust about my body and was feeling as fat as when I reached the grandiose 130. I only realised it recently, when I saw pics of me in my early twenties and thought…wow I looked so good…and then the feeling of the very day the photo was taken came to me…and I felt HUGE. Mind you I was only 70 kgs then…
    I am not 130 anylonger…I think 35 kilos have gone for ever. I did a list. Things I gain by remaining fat. And a second list. Things that will happen when Im slim and fit. Boy that was scary…And devastating. Im slowly recuperating though. And to me… accepting compliments became a way to prove to myself that I am accepting the freedom to become who I want to be. I am finally facing my need for attention and reward and “bravos” what I consider “the healthy” way. I used to try and draw attention and sympathy through becoming fatter and fatter. I used to ask for attention by hiding through the layers of my fat. I will now seek attention and sympathy and all through who I really am. Deep inside. Below all these extra kilos. Bloody kilobastards will be send to hell…sooner or later…one way or another!!! Thanks DG for inspiring this little fess up from the deepest of my heart. And thank you for hosting it here too!!!