Sooner or later it’s going to happen, that lovely guy of mine will find out about this site. He was using my laptop to write a paper and when he hit Save, my Dietgirl folder came up as it was the last place I’d saved something. I quickly clicked away to the Documents folder.
I was also attempting to submit some chapters for lovely Erin’s book and vaguely told him it was a book about fitness bloggers. He reads my non-fat blog (he read three years of archives before we got together… what a stalker!) and would know full well it’s nothing about fitness.
Then yesterday morning I left him sleeping in my room as I needed to be at work early. When he went to let himself out the front door a few hours later, a flatmate had locked the mortice lock which he didn’t have a key for. So he was basically stranded in my bedroom all day long until I could get home from work. It was hilarious but I was panicking about all the things he could find on my laptop. All those Before photos. All that writing. And last but not least, a PRINT-OUT of my entire Dietgirl archives in a folder sitting RIGHT THERE on my desk!
From what I can gather he didn’t see anything. But still, it makes me nervous. I know I’ve talked about this Secret Fat Life before, but I still can’t bring myself to show him a photo of how big I was before, even though I know he’d be perfectly sweet about it.
Last night I was looking at some photos I took the day we left Australia. “Check this out,” I said. “You can tell I’ve lost a little bit of weight this past year.”
“Holy crap!” was his reply. His eyes were wide, “Wow, you can really see it.”
“I’ve got worse pictures than that,” I said quietly. I don’t know why but I started to panic and ramble, “Don’t worry I’ll never look like that again.”
He just shook his head and gave me a cuddle and said I should stop being so hard on myself and other such reassuring things.
I would like to reach a point where I could be proud of myself instead of ashamed. I read through my entire Dietgirl archive yesterday and felt so proud of how much I’ve changed my attitude to life in so many respects. It was startling to read it all in one go and realise how far I’ve come. But there’s still this stupid part of me that thinks I’m just a big lump that is undeserving of someone’s affection and attention. What the hell is wrong with me?