Out of the Closet

Sooner or later it’s going to happen, that lovely guy of mine will find out about this site. He was using my laptop to write a paper and when he hit Save, my Dietgirl folder came up as it was the last place I’d saved something. I quickly clicked away to the Documents folder.

I was also attempting to submit some chapters for lovely Erin’s book and vaguely told him it was a book about fitness bloggers. He reads my non-fat blog (he read three years of archives before we got together… what a stalker!) and would know full well it’s nothing about fitness.

Then yesterday morning I left him sleeping in my room as I needed to be at work early. When he went to let himself out the front door a few hours later, a flatmate had locked the mortice lock which he didn’t have a key for. So he was basically stranded in my bedroom all day long until I could get home from work. It was hilarious but I was panicking about all the things he could find on my laptop. All those Before photos. All that writing. And last but not least, a PRINT-OUT of my entire Dietgirl archives in a folder sitting RIGHT THERE on my desk!

From what I can gather he didn’t see anything. But still, it makes me nervous. I know I’ve talked about this Secret Fat Life before, but I still can’t bring myself to show him a photo of how big I was before, even though I know he’d be perfectly sweet about it.

Last night I was looking at some photos I took the day we left Australia. “Check this out,” I said. “You can tell I’ve lost a little bit of weight this past year.”

“Holy crap!” was his reply. His eyes were wide, “Wow, you can really see it.”

“I’ve got worse pictures than that,” I said quietly. I don’t know why but I started to panic and ramble, “Don’t worry I’ll never look like that again.”

He just shook his head and gave me a cuddle and said I should stop being so hard on myself and other such reassuring things.

I would like to reach a point where I could be proud of myself instead of ashamed. I read through my entire Dietgirl archive yesterday and felt so proud of how much I’ve changed my attitude to life in so many respects. It was startling to read it all in one go and realise how far I’ve come. But there’s still this stupid part of me that thinks I’m just a big lump that is undeserving of someone’s affection and attention. What the hell is wrong with me?

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9 thoughts on “Out of the Closet

  1. I totally hear you. You almost feel as though you’re misrepresenting yourself with this new body, and that he’s going to find out. You’re afraid that if he knows exactly what size you used to be he might say that it’s more than he bargained for and split. But you know that’s not going to happen. I think that’s the worst part…knowing something intellectually but not being able to accept it emotionally. So hard. But the longer you keep the weight off, when your “new” body becomes your everyday, regular body instead of the novelty it feels like, it’ll become less of a problem.

    I always feel like this when I’ve lost weight. I almost feel a compulsion to tell new people, “I may look thin, but I’m actually really fat and that fat chick I used to be could pop out at any second, so don’t say I didn’t warn you.” It’s stupid. But right now I actually am pretty fat, so it’s weird. Now I feel like telling people, “I wasn’t always this fat, you know. I used to be normal, you know.”

    It’s like I can never actually be the size I am. I feel like I’m in costume or something…never actually me. You know?

  2. Schweetie, please, please give this bloke some credit. He loves you and I’m sure he won’t head for those gorgeous Scottish hills if he finds your journal and some old photo’s. He’s probably got his own ‘fat’ photos that worry him. Or even some geeky old school photos.

    Maybe it’s time to share your ‘secret’ life with him. Maybe you’ll find that it’s not such a big deal afterall.

    Your past has created the wonderful, strong person you are now, so don’t ever feel too badly about it. NJ

  3. There aint nothing wrong with you… the whole self esteem thing might be a bit tender ‘n’ fragile, but that’s pretty normal.

    The Secret “X” life happens to many people in many different way. Why d’you think some people are terrified to bring partners home to meet the parents? It’s only a lucky few who have a squeaky clean and shiny past that they want to display to the world.

    And on a slight tangent – lots of the people in your life who should’ve protected you made you feel bad about your weight. And I think you’re worried that telling the boy, or anyone, will bring about the same pain.

    Which, by the way, it won’t. Because you rock.

  4. I just found you and checked out your before and after shots… I am totally impressed with your changes girl 🙂 And love your sassy haircut (may have to print it for my hairdresser). Love of your life will love you no matter what you used to look like, he loves you NOW! Enjoy it 🙂

  5. Allo there superwoman. You know it all is about who you love and not who loves you. I went through your entire archives this weekend only cos I was feeling ready to quit and I needed some inspiration.The good news is I am not quiting! The bad news is that I realised what I told you earlier. While I was reading through your archives I realised that I am always letting go when I’m not too fond of myself. I will have a bad day, feel this self hatred and disgust, then eat for comfort, and … and … and….
    Your post today sort of recapitulated all for me, once again. Think of this: You wake up one day and it is a very good hair day, and your outfit seems to suit you better than before, and you take care in getting ready for work and you feel beautiful and on top of the world. Isnt it weird how this day the grumpy boss seems less mean to you, the annoying colleague actually asks you if you mind him using your calculator, the bus driver sees you waving “WAIT WAIT” and indeed waits till you get in, etc,,etc,,,?
    Days like this are days we love ourselves. And it shows. And people see us treating ourselves with love and respect and you know what? They can’t do otherwise because they feel that the natural thing to do to someone who treats themselves and others with respect and love is to act accordingly. I know you think that this is perhaps in an ideal word. Wanna bet? It is who you love DG … and you got a gorgeous self to love first and foremost. Cheers!

  6. Oh DG.. you really make me laugh – I swear I totally understand and “get” everything you say. I am so happy for you! … and thanks for the laughs I get everytime I visit your site.

  7. Hear hear.

    I hate seeing photos of myself because they never seem as though they’re of me, the way I feel inside. There are some I would never show to anyone (and this is weird) EVEN THOUGH I can’t possibly look any better in day-to-day life.

    The first time my boyfriend saw me in a swimsuit, I really thought he would go off me. Even though he knew what my thighs (etc) were like, and I knew he knew. This was about five years ago, and the thighs have not improved, but he’s still around. And he still seems to fancy me…

    I later found out that even though I consider him to have an ideal physique, he thinks he’s too fat with spindly legs. (Give me a break here! The man has a thirty-two inch waist, not an ounce of fat on him, and the legs look good to me.) So yes, your guy probably has his own hangups about his body as well – but most men, I think, are better than women at putting them to the back of their minds.

  8. I’ve just re-read your archives and I’ve got to say this: there is nothing in those archives to make anyone feel anything but love for you and awe at all you’ve achieved. I think when you do choose to share your boy will feel very proud of you.