Seemed Like A Good Idea

About half an hour ago I was in Safeway and I spotted the 500ml tub of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough icecream and I thought, wow, this is destiny baby, you were meant to be in my belly!

And now I sit here peering into a more-than-half empty tub and wondering what possessed me. When I arrived in the UK last March, Ben & Jerry’s was one of the first things I bought from a supermarket, simply coz it’s not widely available in Oz and I am a fool for anything cookie-dough related. Somehow I forgot today that I never really enjoyed it that much. And it took me half a tub to remember!? I’ve absolutely demolished it. You know you’ve eaten too much ice cream when the edges have melted away so you’re left with this sorta ice cream BALL that spins round and round as you dig and dig away at the tub.

I feel quite ill.

Wednesday night my Scotsman was here and we were reflecting on eight months of bliss, or rather how coincidentally we have turned into inactive slugs since hooking up. He has been flat out finishing his PhD and in times of stress neglected his mountain biking and turned to Hula Hoops instead. And I have just been so busy being besotted and travelling and working and just generally being a lazy arse, I have not made any progress. I go up and down, but the new jeans I bought for our first date are just as tight as they were back in November. Hmmm.

"So what can we do about this?" he mused. I said we needed to stop eating for leisure. It’s so easy to do though, coz it’s so nice to have someone to cook for, someone to try and impress. And my best dishes happen to be desserts. And I also have got him into baking, and goddamn he makes a mean hummingbird cake. And every Saturday night I stay at his place we chug down a bottle of Aussie red.

So we’ve both lost weight before, we both can do it again. He has dusted off his mountain bike this week, now I just need to scrape the cobwebs from my gym membership card and get my arse into gear.

I’m off to his place tonight and volunteered to cook coz he’s in the recording studio today with his wee band. So that’s how I ended up in Safeway oggling the ice cream. I got us some noodles and stir fry vegies, and fruit for dessert. But here’s the Old Dietgirl that still lurks within me — I actually thought to myself, "My sister is at work, I have a few hours alone. I could scoff that ice cream, noone will ever know, and The Boy will think I’m a legend for whipping up this healthy dinner!"

Oh how clever and crafty am I for concocting such a secret plan?! Not freaking clever at all, seeing now I feel like a whale and will no doubt be trying to surpress my gurgling stomach all night. How sexy.

I wish I could get over this whole, "Quick! Eat! While No One’s Looking!" mentality. There is always going to be plenty of shitty food for me to eat, I don’t need to scarf it down in secret. It’s always going to be there, it’s always going to be rubbish, so I am not going to miss out on wild pleasure and gratification if I leave it the fuck alone. And people will find out soon enough, when my gut and arse come spilling over the barrier of my pants. Will I ever learn!?

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15 thoughts on “Seemed Like A Good Idea

  1. It’s rather usual that you gain weight the first year of a relationship. And then you suddenle hit the ground and wakes up in reality.

    About eating in secret. My father once stopped smoking, as he said. At the same time he started being outside a lot. Doing the garden. One day we found him smoking there. We told him that it was not for ous he should quit smoking, it was for himself. Same with eating I think.

  2. It’s rather usual that you gain weight the first year of a relationship. And then you suddenly hit the ground and wakes up in reality.

    About eating in secret. My father once stopped smoking, as he said. At the same time he started being outside a lot. Doing the garden. One day we found him smoking there. We told him that it was not for ous he should quit smoking, it was for himself. Same with eating I think.

  3. Oh I know what you mean! I’m so much worse about that when I’m at my parents’ house, actually, ’cause I know someone’s watching. I suddenly get the temptation to get food and hide it. Your situation is a bit different, but what’s helped me is just forcing myself to eat things I’m craving when people are around so it’s not a secret anymore!

  4. Are you me? Well no, you’re a lot younger than I am, which means you’re waking up a lot faster and goodonya. I realised TODAY that I was waiting until my husband went out to sneak some chocolates, and that I was just as stupid to think he wouldn’t know as an alcoholic would be to think people don’t know about their “secret” drinking.

    Thinking about Beth’s idea, I got rid of a heck of a lot of fat in the first year of our marriage, and in retrospect eating with him was an important part of that. Dunno quite why I reverted to hiding in the fridge, but thanks to you and Beth I know it’s time to get out.

    You and your Scotsman sound great together, and not just in your eating All the best to you both

  5. Oh, man, this post hit so close to home. There are way more nights than I’d like to admit where I wait for my guy to fall asleep so I can nip down to the 24-hour store for some Doritos.

    Also, I really like the phrase “leisure eating.” and its implications. ” Thanks for giving me something to think on.

  6. hee I was facing the urge to secretly consume food today too.. in switzerland alone for the day (enroute home) and i was sitting in a cafe, after having consumed breakfast, thinking “ooh I could go along the lake a bit amd have another breakfast there, no-one would ever know!” … then I couldn’t believe I was taking it that far! I mean, even if I had had another thing to eat at that same cafe, I was never going to see the people serving me again… i guess it’s that urge to eat against the urge to not allow anyone to see “the fat girl” eating…

    I indulge it less now, but it still rears its ugly head from time to time…

    and i’m not the Beth who posted above 🙂 just for the record

  7. Hoo, that’s a tough one. I’ve been secretly eating and feeding my emotions since I was about 5. That’s a long time, and a hard habit to break. I suspect I will always be capable of doing it, like an alcoholic, it’s just up to me to keep it under control. Sigh…

  8. damn…if that isn’t like hitting the nail on the head!! and to think just prior to reading this post, i was thinking how i would eat this and that because i am all alone today!! i hope this will stop me…..however, it is a real struggle…..
    What I eat in private – I wear in public!

  9. You know I’ve been reading this post over and over for the last 4 days. And I must have read it at least 10 times. And every time I think of commenting on it, and every time I run out of words. See, ages ago I used to eat alone too. Same mentality, if nobody saw, nobody knew…besides the poor ole Body. Trasee was so right…what I ate in private, i wore in public too! But then I had a what I then thought of as an enlightment. If I ate all I wanted while I was with people, then I’d exorcise the demon! So I did so. I had a bad result, and a good result. The bad one was that of course I grew bigger and bigger. The good one was that I saw no disgust or surprise in the eyes of noone. And that taught me a lesson. Even when I was having decent healthy dinners while with friends, I was still so fat, they all knew I ate a lot…sometime during my day. A very good girlfriend came to me one day and said: I feel closer to you lately you know. I asked “after all these years, you feel closer all of a sudden?” Her response was that she felt I trust her more since I was revealing my eating to her. It stroke me like a stone in the head. Cos people did know. So I had no reason to hide. After all, at the size I was, what was there to hide…

  10. It’s a hard thing to always be fighting the secret-eating. I was at home with my folks for the past couple of weeks and did a bit of that kind of eating. Not as much as in the past, but still, it was there. Dietgirl, I do the secret-eating with ice cream, too. It feels so scary but good in that way that breaking rules or being bad on purpose feels good. I guess it’s like on the surface I’m rebelling against my mother for her eating “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” but underneath, it’s really how I rebel against myself and my constant self-monitoring or lack thereof. To constantly be thinking of my weight or my lack of control around food creates a great deal of anxiety within me. This anxiety manifests itself in my secret-eating. The eating in turn creates more anxiety and at the same time soothes this anxiety. Food is comfort, you know? I try to keep this under control, mostly by trying to eat in front of other people or at least when I’m alone by eating at a table with utensils and a bowl or plate–not out of the bag or carton or can–and act like a valuable person I am. Like all other humans, I deserve to eat and to eat well. Being fat should never take this away from me. It’s just hard to remind myself of this fact. But I will not stop trying. And you shouldn’t either. But what do we do in that moment? That moment when you’re at the store and all you want to do is buy the B&J’s and take it home and eat it all in a secret eating frenzy. When then? How do we do this?

  11. Uh-huh. I agree with all of you.

    Studying – researching especially – is very bad for the diet. You don’t exercise because you ought to be working, then you grab food at funny times, telling yourself you “deserve” it because you’ve been working – which you have been, but not burning any calories to speak of!

    I too think that being happy in love also tends to sap the motivation for doing much other than snuggling. Also, I would never have thought there was a downside to having a sweet boyfriend who thinks I look just fine the way I am, but somehow knowing he doesn’t care what size my jeans are doesn’t help the motivation either. It irritates me sometimes (especially since he’s paranoid about “getting fat” himself – the man is a beanpole!) But then again, like Anne I hate people commenting on what I should and shouldn’t eat: it makes me want to take whatever it is just to prove that it’s none of their business. I don’t know, maybe we all have mixed feelings in this area.

  12. I read this post earlier on in the week, but I didn’t really think of it’s relevance until tonight. I’m just coming off a binge. As in I just ate a healthy dinner – then I ate a chocolate bar, 3 chocolate candies, and a box of glosettes.
    When I’m alone (which I am often as a single basement apartment dweller) I feel tempted to eat not only because no one is watching, but because there literally seems to be nothing much to do. When the boytoy is over we talk and stuff, but when I’m alone it’s me, the tv or a book, and maybe a shower. You can only take so many showers to restrain yourself from eating.
    Anyways, I just wanted to stress how much I empathize with your post. It helps to know that you can have lost a lot of weight, but still really struggle with the most basic principles of loss.

  13. Whoops! Leave for a while and another Sandra comes on the scene. 🙂

    I don’t usually feel the urge to eat in secret, but recently (a few months ago) I did have a secret eating episode, and really had to take stock. It kind of freaked me out. It bothered me how cold I was about it… hiding the packages away, making sure there was no trace before I got home. It was weird.

    If this is something new for you, it might be a sign that something isn’t right. I’m sorry I can’t be more clear than that. I can only tell you of my own experience, which was that I was feeling really overwhelmed by what was going on in my life and pressured to “perform” according to a certain standard.

    Once I realized these things, I could step back and relax a bit, and didn’t eat in secret again. It was really the mechanical quality that got to me the most — I wasn’t even aware it was happening until it was half over!

  14. Hee hee, re: Quick! Eat! … I guess I am afraid otherwise someone will come and eat it all, and I won´t get any? Same thinking here.

    BTW I live in Finland. CURSED Fazer´s Blue chocolate! It is heaven! But…I have not bought a whole bar in 1,5 years now. Ta-da!