Muffin Licker

I had left a few of The Muffins at home for my sister to eat. She’s a big fan of them and doesn’t have to take my All Or Nothing approach to lose weight. Last night after the gym I was ravenous, even after a generous dinner. I was in the kitchen doing the dishes, taking sneaky glances at the big red tin that I knew had a good three muffins inside it.

C’MON! OPEN ME! the tin was taunting me.

So I did. I just stared at them for about ten minutes thinking What Would Oprah Do? Well it was after 7pm so she wouldn’t eat carbs. Or would she? Is she still on that No Nocturnal Carbs thing? Or would she eat the freakin’ muffin and just get her Exercise Guru to bust her arse harder the next day?

So then I thought, What Would Michael Phelps Do? He would eat the muffin, coz his races were over and he had 6 gold medals and now chicks would want to sleep with him even though he’s not entirely good looking.

Then I thought, What Would Dr Gillian McKeith Do? She would throw the muffin at my head and make me one out of aduki beans and seaweed.

So What Did Dietgirl Do? I thought about how good I’d been and what a workout I’d had at the gym and how I ate muffins in the past and still lost weight and who knows how long it would before I’d have the opportunity to eat such a delicious muffin? But then I thought how I was on a roll and working hard to kick the sugar cravings and I was kidding myself to think I’d eat one muffin then not want six slices of buttered toast and a hot chocolate nightcap.

I decided what I would do was lick the muffin. I’d see if it was good as I remembered, and proceed from there.

Now that I read that sentence I realise how it ranks among the stupidest ideas I’ve ever had.

My hand was still dotted with detergent bubbles as I lifted up the smallest remaining muffin. I briefly swiped my tongue at the bottom. I felt the brief tickle of crumbs but couldn’t taste a thing.

You bloody idiot, I said aloud. I couldn’t believe I just licked a muffin! I didn’t want the muffin! There would be other muffins in my life. For now, I chose not to eat muffins.

So I sawed half an inch off the muffin stump and put the unlicked bit back in the tin.

Here is the recipe for those who asked.

Dietgirl’s Decidedly Non-Diet Choc Banana Muffins

Makes:  12 muffins
Calories:  8000 each (approx)

INGREDIENTS
200g butter
100g brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 ripe medium-size bananas, mashed
400g plain (all-purpose) flour
2 teaspoons bicarb soda *
1 teaspoon salt **
1 cup chocolate bits ***

METHOD
1.  Preheat oven to 180′ C (350′ F).
2.  Cream butter and sugar til light and fluffy.
3.  Add eggs and vanilla, stir til combined and even lighter and fluffier.
4.  In a separate bowl, sift flour, salt and bicarb together.
5.  Gradually fold flour mix into creamed mixture along with bananas and chocolate until JUST combined. Do not over mix otherwise your muffins will be tough and dry and you will not get that fleeting sense of validation that comes from giving people good muffins.
6.  Plop mixture into muffin tray that you have spritzed with cooking spray.
7.  Bake for 20 minutes. Leave in the tray for awhile to admire their clunky beauty then turn out to cool.
8.  GIVE THEM AWAY. DO NOT EAT THE TASTY LITTLE BASTARDS! ****

* That’s baking soda to you Americans

** I’ve always left out the salt and had no problems.

** My corner store is always sold out of choc bits so I usually get 2 x 100g blocks of Green & Blacks Darker Shade of Milk Chocolate. I smash one up into tiny pieces with a rolling pin (mental note: buy food processor) and just break the other into the usual squares, so you get a good mix of chocolate flecks throughout with the occasional hefty melty chunk.

**** Optional.

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19 thoughts on “Muffin Licker

  1. Muffin licker?!? I wonder how many hits you get on this entry from googlers looking for porn :P

  2. thank you for the recipe but it is 8000 kcl for 12 of them, right?

    What I try to do when I get the craving is to tell myself to wait until the next day and if I then feel that I regret not having it then Im allowed to eat. But of course I never regeret never eating just if I eat what I havent planed so that is never the case.

    Then my eating day (Sunday) helps me too. I can always have it on Sunday when I can eat whatever I want. The thing is that I cant eat so much on one day anymore and if I have abit of candy I dont feel like having cake so I cant pig out anymore like I used to be able to. That is my way to handle the craving.

  3. ok, I couldnt help myself. I had to put all the ingredience into my calorie program and when I put everything in it said it would be 4770 calories for all of it. That is not too bad *laughing*. If I have nothing else I could eat them all and nothing else that day and still just have about 3000 calories more then on a normal day. How bad can it be?? *lol

  4. mopsy! hellooooooo! always happy to hear from you. and yes, you’re right about the sad googlers!

    hanna – well if you put it like that, hmmm… better whip up a fresh batch, hehe

  5. I’ve been reading you for a long while, hoping that someday I will get my arse out this chair and moving. That day hasn’t come yet, but in the meanwhile I’ve fallen out of this chair a few times laughing so hard “with” you. I guess some exercise is better than none. It takes quite a few calories to get 300lbs. off the floor. LOL!

  6. Well, hey…whatever gets you through! However…that being said…I didn’t read that you threw the licked half away? Did you?

  7. My God, please send me just a wee bit of your self control. I admire what you’ve done and I love reading your journal.

    Perhaps I shall try the licking thing the next time I really want to try something.

  8. According to Hanna’s calorie calculator, that’s ‘only’ 398 cals per muffin. I’m sure it would be a perfectly nutritious lunch – after all the bananas make them healthy!
    I’m tempted… My mouth was watering for an hour after yesterday’s post. Then I had an apple. This being good thing is just not nice…

  9. HA! That was hilarious. The mental image of the entire muffin-licking episode was priceless.

    Although I shouldn’t talk. I recently covered a perfectly good muffin with pepper because I knew I could not withstand its temptataion. Curse you, cruel muffin!!

  10. HA! That was hilarious. The mental image of the entire muffin-licking episode was priceless.

    Although I shouldn’t talk. I recently covered a perfectly good muffin with pepper because I knew I could not withstand its temptataion. Curse you, cruel muffin!!

  11. What’s up with the comments at the moment? There seem to be lots of duplicates.

    I’d have just eaten the muffin, I fear.

  12. THanks for the recipe…I was looking for a good muffin recipe now that I have to be up in the mornings again-and a little bit of chocolate sure will help my eye lids open!! hee!! When I get a craving I just eat what I want..or else if I don’t, then I eat DOUBLE as much as I would have!