So here I am back at work after my Baltic jaunt. We had a wonderful time and I managed to eat well.
I just wish I could be wild and witty Dietgirl today but I am riddled with PMS and confusion. I just have this constant pit in my stomach, Worrying About The Future. As of next Monday there’s only six months left on my visa before I can no longer live and work in the UK. So of course I’m busy dreaming up schemes so I can stay.
The day before I left for my holiday there was an internal job vacancy posted at my weekday job,. It was in the field I was working in before I left Oz. The job was at a level that I thought I was well qualified for, so I applied even though I am just a temp. I’ve been here 12 months so I thought why the hell not.
The more I thought about it while I was away the more I got my stupid hopes up. I imagined they would gladly take me on, thankful that someone who knows the company was already here, not needing to be trained. I convinced myself the job was of high enough calibre to be eligible for a work permit. So I had fantasies of finally having a fulfilling job and being able to stay in Scotland with my boy without needing a quickie wedding.
I got back to work on Wednesday then Thursday one of the HR team asked to meet me. I sat down in the meeting room and saw she’d stuck a post-it note on my application. It had my visa expiry date written on it. My heart just sank and I knew that was it. She was so kind and sweet and explained that I only had six months left and they wanted someone permanent. Even when I said I interested in staying in Scotland long-term, she said they weren’t the practice of doing work permits. She went through my application and explained that I didn’t quite match the job profile and asked would I like to meet with her and the Head of the department to talk more specifically about why I wasn’t chosen. Why on earth would I want hear more about why I wasn’t wanted?
Of course I took it personally, because it’s just this whole bloody Issue constantly hanging over my head right now. And of course I have this stupid face that cannot hide how I am feeling so I am trying to be professional and thank her for considering my application but she kept saying, "I’m sorry, I know you’re disappointed". It is so hard when people are so nice. So after the meeting I went and hid in the loos and tried not to cry. That worked for about ten minutes.
Back in the office, my colleagues noticed my radioactive red eyes. My supervisor, who knew I’d applied, took me to another meeting room and he was just as kind and said he thought I would have been great in the job. Cue more blubbering from me. I like where I work, I’d love to stay longer. So I was gutted not just because of another visa scheme gone wrong, but coz I’d missed the chance to get a good job in a company I like.
It’s hard to express how hard this situation is. My only realistic options now seem to be:
1) go back to Australia
2) get the 1-year Working Holiday Visa in Ireland and fly back whenever I can to see my boy, or;
3) quickie wedding.
All these options SUCK ASS.
1) sucks because I don’t want to go home. I am not ready to be back in the suffocating confusion of my family, I have not done all the Eurotravel I want to do. I love my freedom.
2) sucks because I have no interest in living in Ireland apart from it being the closest place to Scotland I would be allowed to live in for a year. I love Edinburgh and the thought of packing it all up then having to find a job a gym a home in another country all over again – especially for just one year – is bloody exhausting. And what happens after that? Besides, I love this guy too fucking much, I have had enough of being apart, the thought of even that far away from him me feel all empty and sad.
3) sucks because I don’t think we’re ready for marriage. I knew right away, POW, that he was the one for me and I daydream about marrying him. But not just yet.
We talked about this last night. We’re both easygoing types who like to let things unfold at their own pace. We know we want to stay together but like things how they are, slowly growing closer every day, getting to know each other, the feelings building and evolving. But it feels like we’re being forced to speed things up, the course of the relationship is being dictated by circumstances beyond our control. It just feels so wrong. We haven’t even been together a year yet, we’re still so shy and tentative, we just want to talk about music and holidays and what to have for dinner, not about how we want to manage our finances or what house to buy or whether we want plastic people on top of a wedding cake.
I’ve had friends who say, "Why don’t you just get married?". But it would be so weird to have it happen like that. A rushed proposal, a quickie wedding, just for a visa. It’s just not romantic, it feels forced, it’s just not us. It wouldn’t reflect the quiet, easygoing and precious connection we have.
Are you sick of me going on about this yet? When am I going to talk about The Fat again? I am sorry, I am just really confused and blue and no idea what’s going to happen and which path to take.
But I can’t stay in this mood. I have to have faith that we will work things out and figure the best way to handle this. We still have six months to think. And I need to look after myself and get back to the gym and back into the running after the holiday break. Half this bleak mood can be put down to lack of endorphins.
I have to milk this six months I definitely have left in Scotland and not waste another second. And I will write about The Fat tomorrow.