Jealous Girl

There’s a guy at work who has lost a hefty slab of weight over the past year. He used to have one of those enormous beer bellies and quite the collection of chins. I am always stickybeaking at what people eat, and I remember noticing late last year that he’d stop buying hot chips and greasy curries from the staff canteen, instead he’d just have a bowl of soup and perhaps a couple of oatcakes, then two or three pieces of fruit. Then he stopped joining in with the staff Cakes.

TANGENT: We have a LOT of cakes in my department. When I first arrived I was baffled by this whole concept of Cakes. It’s not something really done in Australia, and not done as frequently in any other place I’ve worked in Scotland. There’s about 20 of us in our department, only one other female aside from me and she’s diabetic and never touches sugar. So it’s the boys who are Cake Crazy. Basically all they need is a flimsy premise – someone’s birthday, anniversary of their start date in the company, or to celebrate some project – they will head to the shops then fire out the email, "Cakes at 3, usual spot".

Cake to me used to mean a cake that someone baked, usually for a special occasion. But here ‘cake’ is the umbrella term for whatever shoddy baked good someone plucks from the supermarket shelf that day. There’s always caramel shortcakes (caramel slice in Oz), donuts and muffins. Sometimes there will be Marks & Spencer Extremely Chocolatey Mini Bites (which are EVIL as they’re so tiny and dainty lookin’ but about 6g fat each) or chocolate chip cookies or creamy chocolate eclairs. On the whole it’s crappy store-bought rubbish that goes down all too quick and leaves you full of remorse moments later. It’s stuff I never would have considered eating before, yet when it’s plonked on the table some days I struggle to resist. Especially if it’s M&S Caramel Shortcake, the most incredible Caramel Shortcake IN THE WORLD.

We had Cakes yesterday because it was someone’s birthday, and will have Cakes again this arvo as someone’s clocked up 5 years here. Last Friday afternoon everyone kicked in 50p and sent me over to the shops because it was Friday Afternoon and what better reason to have Cakes?

Anyway, this guy who lost all the weight did not partake in the Cake for quite awhile. Now that he’s all svelte, he’ll have one now and then. Today when he was swanning around, undoing his belt to show the office lads how baggy his trousers have become, I felt a great pang of jealousy. I wanted my trousers to be falling off. Maybe not in front of the lads, but still. I miss the days of "WHOA! Have you lost weight?!". Losing 60 kilos provided a few of those "WHOA" moments for awhile there, but since my loss has been so excruciatingly slow/ non-existent this past year I don’t get that anymore. Also, people in the UK have never known me as a Really Hefty Chick, so they’re never going to see any real startling difference.

I got an email from my bestest friend back in Oz, I haven’t seen her in 18 months (sniffle). She’d spotted a wee photo of me on Flickr and emailled to say she didn’t think she’d recognise me in the street now. I think that is a slight exaggeration on her part, but still, I got that RUSH of whatever you call it when someone notices a difference. I love that feeling, I love those compliments. Sure I’ve been doing this to get healthier and fitter, but I can’t deny the vanity factor. I really really miss that crazy blur of losing weight and cackling madly AAAAAAAAAHHAHHAHA as you look in the mirror to see your undies come up to your boobs coz they’ve gotten so big.

There’s another woman at work who was once overweight, now she looks like she’s lost 20 kilos or so. Apparently she took up running! Well, once again that has filled me with jealousy. I cannae help it, I’m a Scorpio, I am fuelled by jealousy and obsessiveness. So if this is what it takes to motivate me, why the hell not?

I have spent most of my life being completely invisible to the opposite sex, so I can’t help just aching to be a real foxypants now. I have hidden behind my clothes and endless stream of jokes for so freaking long, now I want to be oggled and complimented.

I have some elaborate fantasies about this. I daydream of going out on the town with my Scottish Companion and some random bloke checksme out and SC says, "That guy is checking you out!" and I reply, "DAMN RIGHT, buddy!" and then there’s a multiple choice ending –  a) SC punches the guy in the face and says "she’s MINE, ALL MINE" or since SC is a total pacifist who’d prefer to catch a wayward spider and release it back into a pretty meadow rather than mush it with a shoe (which is what I would do), the more likely conclusion is b) I tell SC that he better buy me a G&T then take me home STAT for some sweet lovin before some handsome devil steals me away from him.

Oh I could go on for hours with these scenarios. But the gist is, I just want to feel all va-va-voom. D’yknow what I mean?

So when the Caramel Shortcakes come out this afternoon, I will ask myself which I want more – the little square of chocolate caramel perfection or That Feeling of knowing your shape is changing and you’re looking good. I will report back tomorrow and promise I will actually report this time!

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16 thoughts on “Jealous Girl

  1. Dietgirl, I love you! And oh, how well, oh-so-well, do I understand your cravings, your passion, your guilt, your struggle! I myself have to fight to resist those filthy caramelo-chocolaty-fatty morsels! Having lost, like you, a lot of weight at some point, but having reached a plateau that’s just crossed a little bit into the pudgy-plump as opposed to the nice’n’sexy, I sooo sympathize! Let’s do it together. Let me resist the cheesecake and the chocolate that tempt me whenever I enter a coffee shop, and let me stick to the iced tea, sweetened or not with Equal. Amen, sis!

  2. when I was stopping smoking and had a crave for a cig, I used to try and remind myself “the questin is not do I want a cigarette, the question is do I want to be a smoker again?”

    I should do the same with food. The question is not do I want that piece of cake, the question is do I want to have to be a fatty forever?

  3. Firstly, you are a total inspiration. You have worked so hard, come so far and look Terrific to show for it!

    Caramel vs. Feeling Gorgous? That is a toughy. Sounds to me like a little visualization is in order. Next time “cakes” are offered visualize that little caramel slice attached to your bum. Do you still want it? I bet not. I promise to do the same.

    You’re worth it!

    P.S. – Keep the entries coming.

  4. Darling, I will admit it! I am in trouble because I want them both! I want the chocolate and I want to get supergorgeouslysexy too! I usually try to work out more so that I will have that chocolate (in normal life, not that last month I’m afraid). But it has to be good! What has saved me is that I have gone totally organic, so all sweets I eat are either dark & green choc and ice cream, or something equally pure in its ingredients. My rule is if it has any kinda E tain’t going inside my body! Thanks for being so supportive about this madness im livin in lately too!!!! I love you, have I told you this? :o)

  5. oh./..AND!!!! I saw that pic earlier today and I thought to myself how gorgeous you look. And so young too!!!! You look 18 mate, seriously!!!

  6. we are so different in this case. I so dont want any comments about my weight loss. Recently Ive had alot of comments and still I havent lost that many kilos the last months but Ive started to excersise alot maybe that is doing some to the shape of my body as well.

    Im doing this for me and not for anyone else and I dont want the comments from people around me. But Im more ok with it now then in the beginning. Then I was just embarrassed and didnt know what to say. I still dont know what to say when people comment on it. I just dont understand why people think they have the right to comment how I look. But then I know that most people want comments and would be sad if they didnt so maybe it is just me being strange.

  7. Um!Yeah!Why is it so wrong to want to look good and want to be looked at?I think that is probably my biggest motivation.At least for now while I don’t have health problems attributed to weight.

  8. I’m so with you on the jealousy thing. In fact I mentioned it in a big entry I typed up in my blog yesterday, just before Typepad crashed, and I lost the whole thing and I couldn’t be bothered re-typing it!!!! But I basically confessed to feeling envious (and ashamed of feeling that way) of my online weightloss buddies who are hitting the 70’s (kg) now while I’m still stuck in the high 80’s. I know it’s not a competition, and I’m only envious because it highlights my own frustration, but my eyes are definitely green! 🙂

  9. By the way you look very spunky in that pic! I think that’s the first time I’ve seen your face without one of those black ‘protect the innocent’ things over your eyes. *wolf whistle*

  10. Ditto, ditto, ditto to all the comments above!!! We love you dietgirl – never, ever lose sight of the fact that you have not GAINED BACK the weight – far more important than the losing of more at the moment…

  11. It’s not bloody fair. Why can’t we have the caramel slice and be a foxypants at same time?

    Good luck with whatever you decide and, if you decide to have the caramel slice, don’t beat yourself up about it. Enjoy every single bite of it and then move on. It’s only caramel slice and we all still think you’re a foxypants no matter what.

    And you looked GORGEOUS in that photo! I didn’t want to comment about that on your other site, so I’ll do it here! Glamourpuss!

  12. HOW COOL ARE YOU PEOPLE?

    i mean, seriously. i honestly don’t know what i would do without you all. i am not the kind of person to make cheesy statements like at the end of an episode of 7th Heaven but I dunno if I would ever have made it this far without reading your comments and your own blogs for inspiration. RAWK!

  13. wow! u r a hotty! can’t believe how damn sexy u look! u r so right! Why do we fall 4 that 5 second high when we could have a lifetime of felling good? A little bit of thinking Dg puts it all in perspective – thank u!

  14. I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning, and I have to say it, you are completely gorgeous!