I used to be really dedicated to my fat. I put so much effort into collecting it. When I lived alone in 1999 there was a phase where I’d bake cakes all the time. My favourite was a chocolate cake made with Cadbury’s cocoa powder, as opposed to actual chocolate, so it was really quick and cheap to make. I’d eat the whole cake by myself, over a day or two. I’d eat a great fat wedge with a glass of cold milk or two while sitting in front of the telly.
To me there was nothing more comforting in the world than the cake/cold milk combo. There was something about how the milk would make the cake explode in my mouth, then I could feel this surge of cold crumby liquid race down my throat and burst in my chest. For me bingeing has always been about the textures as well as the tastes. I always remember the feel of food just as much as the flavour. I’d go cut another slice, pour another glass, just to feel it again. There was one time I baked and ate three cakes in a week.
Last weekend in London with my sister and her flatmate, they went to university together so I hadn’t seen her since December 2000. That was a month before I started Weight Watchers, when I was still baking up a storm. I totally forgot how long it had been, so I couldn’t work out why she kept staring at me all weekend. My sister emailled me Monday to say her roomie had been stunned and said, "My my, how she has changed! She was radiant!". Bear in mind she is Swiss and has quite quaint English.
All I could say to my sister was, "Oh wow! So she could notice a difference?". CRIKEY, I can’t believe I said that. If she couldn’t notice 69 kilos gone, well I’d be in serious trouble. She is one of the last people I know that I haven’t seen since the beginning of the Lard Busting Journey, so it was a kinda cool reminder that the Before and After are quite different.
I was standing at the bus stop this morning and suddenly realised that I wasn’t thinking about food. I knew I would have my yogurt, apple, oats and seeds combo for breakfast once I got to work. I knew I’d be having chilli for lunch and chicken salad for dinner, some fruit and nuts in between. Cool. I felt a rush of calm and relief that I knew exactly what I was going to eat. I wasn’t busting for the next meal, or plotting opportunities to buy chocolate or tubs of ice cream. Just a couple months ago during my Christmas Binge I was heading back towards those Hey Let’s Bake Me A Cake days. As soon as I ate breakfast I was snuffling around in the kitchen looking for chocolates, and asking SC what was for lunch. At one point he said with a hint of bewilderment, "You’re just OBSESSED with food lately!"
It’s taken five long weeks to turn my brain around. It disturbs me to know how easily I can let food rule my life like that, but at the same time I know I have the power to stop it. I am so determined not to let the wedding and honeymoon send me backwards again. I am not the person in the Before photo anymore, physically or mentally. I will just keep living like the After shot, and sooner or later I’ll be it.