So I gained half a kilo this week – I’m up to 89.8kg. I am too miserable to be arsed posting the usual list of stats. It’s not as fun when the number goes up!
There were a few days this week that I seemed to forget I was this overweight person who cannot get away with eating chocolate bars. I had not got organised with grocery shopping yet so I didn’t have good snacks for work. Instead I made trips to the vending machine. I had Mars Bars, Twirls and this strangely addictive Kinder Bueno thing.
I was in serious denial on the weekend, in my Saturday entry I said I was feeling “vague and half-hearted” about weight loss. Vague and half-hearted is one way of putting it, but being a mindless sugar pig is another! Saturday afternoon, after joining the gym, I walked to a mini supermarket in search of olives and peppers for our pasta that night. There were no peppers and this tiny jar of olives for 89p. I got all huffy and resentful, the expensive olives being a metaphor for the utter shiteness of the town I now live in. I stomped around the shop looking for something to calm me down, and then I spotted the freezer.
“AH HA!” I thought, “There is the freezer, and in that freezer is ICE CREAM, that substance that I really wanted last week but didn’t get! So now it will be mine!”
I bought one of those Mars Bar icecream bars, just to continue the Mars Bar theme of the week. It was “only” one bar, as opposed to a box, so I got another one of those Kinder Buenos in case I wasn’t satisfied with the Mars Bar.
I was walking back home, halfway up the big hill when I remembered SC was there, and all his mates were over. So I stood there scoffing down this Mars Bar ice cream, lurking behind a tree like some pervert, putting the bar down every time a car went by so people wouldn’t think I was the Greedy Fat Chick. I was so edgy that I didn’t enjoy a single mouthful, then I had to squint into car windows to see if I’d left chocolate evidence on my mouth.
I got home and pretty much lurked in the bedroom all evening after saying hi to everyone. I read my book Running Made Easy while sneaking bites of the Kinder now and then, stashing the wrapper in my handbag.
I was struck by the ridiculousness of my behaviour. What the hell was I doing? Who was this benefiting? Was this how I wanted my married life to be? Clandestine chocolate bars and foil wrappers in my undie drawer for the rest of my days?
I think I am just feeling unnerved by of all the change going on at the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I am over the moon to be married to SC, but the whole moving out to his place and giving up my old routines and favourite haunts has been harder than I expected. I didn’t expect to feel so resentful. I hate having to come up with all new ways of doing things, especially in terms of weight loss – because as you know I had a cracker of a routine happening before the wedding, I had great losses and was making progress with my fitness. Now I am struggling to get the formula right. That said, scoffing down chocolate bars is NOT going to get me back on track. It’s not rebellion eating, it’s just dumb eating.
Sunday became Get My Shit Together Day. I know that only planning brings me success. So I finally ordered the groceries online, we now have a fridge full of healthy stuff. Then I emailled the lovely Mistress Julia about the 5k and she is going to send me a training plan. I decided not to wait around in the meantime – SC and I went out and did Week One Day One of the Couch to 5k programme. It was a bit rough, I found running outdoors with hills and winds so much harder than faffing on the treadmill – but I was glad I did it. SC could have gone a lot faster but he insisted on staying with me. He is so bloody sweet and encouraging, I love him to bits. His encouragement as I bitched and moaned and huffed and puffed made me feel guilty for the secret binge the day before.
Monday night I braved the new gym and went to Body Pump. It was four weeks since my last class but I am proud to say I didn’t need to reduce any of my weights. I was in agony yesterday though, and my triceps are still killing today! And we’re off for another walk/jog tonight. I still feel kinda shaky at the moment, all this new stuff seems to have dented my confidence for some reason. But I just have to keep doing these positive things. Putting down the chocolate bars, putting on the running shoes. I can do it.