Rebel Rebel

I just bought a Cadbury Twirl from the vending machine and ate it for No Bloody Reason At All. I am sitting here looking at the empty wrapper wondering why I did that. I didn't want it! I didn't need it. I didn't even enjoy it. I just had this urge to put the coins in the machine and get the goods. And this morning I had my healthy brekkie then ONCE AGAIN bought a scone from the Hot Roll Man.

I have so many good reasons to eat healthy and bust more lard. Two upcoming weddings OF MY OWN for starters. But it just doesn't seem to be enough to stop me from making these really stupid decisions. I gained 400g this week. Overall I ate healthily but just too much of it. But today, post weigh-in, I made two stupid purchases, that's 95p I'll never get back and about 600 extra calories and lord knows how much fat. I am trying to put my finger on this behaviour. Why why why?

After the disappointing gain I said to myself this morning, righto. I will not bring any cash to work so I can't buy any food. I will empty my wallet before I leave the house. But then I told myself that I didn't have time to empty it, otherwise I'd miss the train. By 9am I had talked myself into buying The Very Last Scone and from tomorrow onwards I would lead cashless, sconeless existence. It was good scone today. Fresh and fluffy.

Anyway I ate a perfectly healthy lunch of salad and leftoved pasta (with black olives and roasted veggies), some walnuts and an apple. You see, I have healthy snacks at work! Right now I have kiwifruit and Laughing Cow cheese triangles in the fridge, an orange on my bookshelf, a bag of walnuts in my desk. But I STILL found myself standing in front of the vending machine.

I was thinking, "Wow this is a pretty shit selection of chocs. None of these really appeal to me. Which is the best of the bunch?". There was a Flyte bar, which is a "reduced calorie" chocolate. But I refused to pay the same price for a chocolate that was half the size of the Normal ones. I mean, if you're going to go the vending machine you don't wanna get ripped off. Jeez.

So I bought this stupid Twirl and it tasted so ordinary. After the first finger I thought, Man, this is so ordinary. I don't even want this. But I ate the rest anyway. Within five seconds I was livid for ruining my Food Day with that shit. I mean, I slaved over my healthy pasta dish last night, I meticulously weighed out my museli and chopped up my banana for breakfast, I made my healthy salad the night before. I put so much effort into planning healthy meals and snacks, shopping for the right foods, including good fats and omega 3 and lean protein and slow burning carbs and whatnot. If I just ate what I'd planned I would have perfectly balanced, varied and delicious food each week with no need to feel deprived in any way. I really should have no need to eat anything else.

So why the hell do I engage in these random acts of sabotage?

What am I rebelling against?

With all my healthy meals and dedication to exercise lately, am I trying to see what I can get away with? How far I can push things?

Am I feeling "normal" coz I've been running and fitting into smaller clothes, therefore I'm feeling like I should be able to buy a choccie bar from the vending machine like Normal people do?

(I know Normal people don't do that all the time, but I harbour delusions that once you're in the Promised Land of a healthy weight you can just magically DO that kind of shit)

Is there some demented side of me that doesn't want to get to goal? That no longer feels any sort of urgency about the task? That doesn't want to look sexy hot when I go to Australia in October? That wants to languish in this semi-fat no man's land forever?

Do I feel some sort of rebellious glee by eating bad things at work, since I eat angelically at home when my husband is around? Even though I know I don't have to hide anything from him, but I seem to be assigning the same roles onto him as I did my parents (ie. They are the Food Cops, so I have to defiantly get my junk fix when they're not looking)

Am I just a big fat greedy guts?

It's probably a bit of all these things. Why can't it ever be a simple, clear-cut answer?

Step one tomorrow is NO CASH AT WORK.

Step two is to track my food and stick to my planned meals and snacks.

Step three is to talk to myself before I go to eat anything and ask, Do I need this? How will I feel about this when it's gone?

Step four is to lock myself in a room and just go ARRRRRRRRRRRGH! ARGH ARGH ARGH!

. . .

Have you heard about the Carnival of the Runners? It is:

"a weekly roundup of the best running-related blog posts". It’s here to interest, amuse, and hopefully inspire runners and non-runners alike who don’t have time to read 230+ running blogs each week."

I submitted my 5k race report in an attempt to take my running more seriously and sat it out and proud, etc etc. And huzzah, I made this week's Carnival at Seebo's site. Woohoo! You should go check it out, there's inspiration in buckets for runners and non-runners alike.

Incidentally, I may be full of rage today but this does not mean I was not thrilled with the comments on the last entry. I showed them all to the Scottish Companion and he was amazed by the kindness of internet people. I was chuffed that the story brought some tears to ears, coz I was crying when I wrote it! Hee hee. I wish every tear weighed a pound, really I do.

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38 thoughts on “Rebel Rebel

  1. Hi there,

    I’ve been where you are. I too am on a quest to be a lighter, healthier me. I’m an emotional eater, and any emotion will do. Be careful. I started with a stray chocolate or french fry, and I turned around and found that I’d gained 40 pounds of the 150 pounds I’d lost and that instead of having 50 more pounds to lose, I had 90. I’m back on track now, but it’s oh so hard.
    Good luck to you! I read you every day.

  2. Not that I am happy you did that, but it makes me feel like less of a shit for eating a giant order of tater tots last night! I was actually talking to myself *while* eating it about how I shouldn’t and it wasn’t worth it. Still polished off the whole thing. So I feel your pain. And it’s so hard not to beat up myself but I know how counterproductive that is. I wish it wasn’t so hard sometimes, ya know?

    Btw, I also cried while reading your last entry. To go from not being able to climb stairs to running all that way? It’s so amazing and inspiring. I’ve been reading your journal on and off for what seems like forever. The fact that you are still working at it and still talking about it really helps me. Plus, Tales from the Scale was so awesome, I have it next to my bed to read whenever things seem too much. Thank you so much for all the inspiration you give!

  3. THIS is a post I can relate to more than one about running your arse off! : ) You’re asking yourself all the right questions…just keep gently poking and prodding into your psyche. But it does occur to me that you may be looking for a way to “treat” yourself. You’ve gone through BIG changes in your life, had to make some big adjustments in your daily living, have a job that’s turning your mind to mush (loved that entry on Your Other Site!)…maybe you need to find a way to be kind to yourself, be gentle with yourself, put a little luxury in your tightly budgeted life. Something that doesn’t involve unsatisfying chocolate. Ya know? I hear ya…I’m on the same search. Fresh flowers works for me a lot of the time — the little indulgence that puts calorie-free beauty and joy in your life. Jude’s right, too — don’t beat yourself up TOO much about one candy bar … but like you, I’ve found that one “treat” leads to two leads to weighing 25 stone. Thx, as ALWAYS, for posting the “agony of defeat” along with the thrill of victory! Enough of my unasked-for advice — we love you Dietgirl! Hope you’ll share whatever insights you get on this issue, as it’s one that, I’m betting, most of us share!

  4. I do the rebellious eating too. Whenever I am alone, with no witnesses, my first thought is “What can I eat?” I am doing better and better at ignoring that voice or eating something healthy instead. If I overeat on apples or strawberries that has to be better than chocolate even if it does put me “off-plan”. I wish I knew why I did this. I am sure it has something to do with eating behaviors during childhoood, but I’m not sure I want to did that deep to figure it out.

  5. DG – Yesterday’s post was the only thing that got me to the gym and on the treadmill yesterday! Thanks for the inspiration! As for today’s chocolate, I completely understand but it was only one… you’ll move on!

  6. I too talk to myself about not needing, let alone enjoying, the food that I find myself randomly stuffing past my obese lips. As an alcoholic struggles with the urge to drink we food junkies struggle with the urge to eat. I feel so guilty about it afterwards that I even found myself finishing off a pack of shortbread, buying another pack, burning the receipt and then eating the equivalent of what was already gone from the other pack, all to try and disguise the fact that I had overindulged to my other half. He comes home oblivious to the fact that his girlfriend has polished off a whole pack of shortbread just to hide the fact that she had eaten four in the first place. Go figure!!!

  7. Hi there,
    having had to drop some weight for sport, here’s my take on the scone situation … maybe you are bored of your work snacks. Some of the healthy snack which I enjoyed when I started this weight loss thing, I totally don’t stand anymore (Uncle Tobey’s Low Fat Cereal bars, blergh). You could trying baking your own (small-sized) low-fat scones to take to work with you. My preference is home-made low-fat muffins. The trick is to freeze the muffins/scones once they have cooled – so they don’t go stale or get eaten in one go. (Also, your writing is amazing and very enjoyable.)

  8. Gotta say it, this weight loss thing pisses me off.

    Once you start, it’s as if the constant battle wears you down more than putting any weight on does.

    *hops on scales*

    ‘I’m up? WTF? How?’

    *two days later*

    ‘I’m down? This weight loss shit is shit.’

    and there is of course the four slices of ‘WTF did I eat that for?’ pizza I had at yesterday’s staff lunch.

  9. I hestitate to write what works for me, ’cause: a) you weren’t asking for advice, and b) everyone is different, so maybe I am an anomaly. But just in case this is helpful to anyone, I’ll post it anyway….

    For what it’s worth, I do best at restraining myself from eating junk when, after asking myself why I am eating something, I follow it up with “Well, if I really want it, then I’ll still want it in half an hour, and I can have it then.”

    Often within half an hour, my emotional state has changed, and I can pass it by. Of course, I don’t always manage to employ this method — but when I remember, it works fairly well for me.

  10. ahhh there really is something about the scones in scotland though… i wasn’t a scone fan before i moved there, but when my workplace in edinburgh sold the most amazing treacle scones i have ever had… the were E.V.I.L!

  11. Sigh. I had a similar experience with a Twix at home. I didn’t even buy it – there was a packet of them in the cupboard, which I’m now doing my best to pretend I don’t know about.

    This is the main disadvantage to not doing your own food shopping (not that I’m not grateful!)

    I used to find that having sanctioned treats, like raspberries, in the fridge meant that I could eat them when I felt like something sweet, and avoid making choices I would regret. However, they are pretty expensive and I can see that if you put raspberries in a work fridge, people would probably nick them on the sly! (And if I put them in the fridge at home, it would feel selfish not to let other people eat them…)

    Weird how I’m much more ready to consider raspberries or blueberries as a substitute for chocolate than apples or oranges – which feel like “duty fruit”. Nice enough, but not a treat.

  12. It’s catching. As soon as I read the word ‘twirl’ in your post, I reached for my drawer of my desk and ate the 2 shapers bars that were in there. I’d already had one. Boots have a buy 3 for 99p offer. Yes, they are lower in calories and fat but eating three in one day defeats the purpose!
    DG it is a constant struggle and eating that chocolate was just some strange habit that you forgot you didn’t do anymore. The one thing that might help is having something sweet to snack on. You mention nuts and an orange which are great but maybe some raisins, prunes or figs would satisfy the sweetness cravings? Just a thought.
    Good luck with the weekend!

  13. i have no idea what a twirl is but the first rule of being a chocolate snob — which you should try to be, its makes it VERY easy to ignore the ‘lesser chocolate’ — is that anything from a vending machine is just not worthy of being called chocolate. i tell you if theres no money to buy the absolute best it just doesnt get eaten at all. say to yourself “the chocolate i want is above you crap chocolate” stick your nose in the air and walk away like a proud chocolate snob πŸ™‚

    also grocery store chocolate. if ingreds listed are lecithin, vanillin or it has less than 70% cocao solids, stick your nose in the air huff “you arent good enough for me” and walk away

    of course we all have moments of temporary, uncontrollable insanity so you could make yourself run 30 extra mins this week. use the time to ponder your decision. have a good day DG πŸ™‚

  14. I didn’t even notice the “Burn 5 calories” before. I’m a sad puppy, I was intrigued.

    On the chocolate thing, I can say I’ve done it a couple times. I tried everything, but I just had to have it. Still can’t figure it out. Sometimes it just happens. Then sometimes turned into everyday and hear I am.

    Good for you nipping it in the bud.

  15. ARGH! I did this too, yesterday! My lunch was woefully inadequate, so I go get myself a “snack” of a MILKSHAKE. Dumbass.

    Knowing all along that it’s well over 10 WW points, I still got it instead of some fruit, or a yoghurt. When I got home I found it was 19 points…almost a day’s worth of calories. But I logged it, wrote it down dutifully, so at least I’m not fooling myself about my dumbass non-decisions right? Right?

  16. Oh, and I go along with the above theory that it may be partly trying to “treat” yourself. I’m a week and a half away from my wedding, and less than a week away from the future inlaws (who have never FLOWN before) arriving in California for an entire week of being shown around and entertained. I’m broke (see previously mentioned “wedding”) so a milkshake seemed like a cost-effedctive treat. Sort of.

  17. It sounds to me, too, like you’re trying to treat yourself because you deserve a reward for your hard work, but because that’s not in your plan your food treats end up in the cheats category. I totally sympathize, as I had this happen to me last night (chocolate glazed donut) and this morning (3–they were small, but still, 3!–scones with jam) after a stellar week of good eating and exercising. The only thing to do is to get back on the plan, and figure out a treat that will inspire you instead of make you feel like you’re being “bad.” (In my case, I’m going to go clothes-shopping for an upcoming vacation. The thought of having to wear a swimsuit for 10 days makes baked goods unappealing, somehow…). How about some new running gear?

  18. Oh man… how I’m struggling with this.

    It’s taken me a really long time and quite a serious chunk of therapy to figure out why I do this (mind you, when I do it, you can multiply the crap chocolate by four), and the answer isn’t making me feel any happier, let me tell you.

    There are reasons we do this to ourselves. They are ugly and messy and dark. But it’s part of my psyche that I’m determined to face and own and manage. However, in the meantime, I suspect there will be a lot of slip-ups and that these last 5kg I have to lose will be the hardest thing I’ll ever do in my life.

    But I will do it. I won’t let this beat me.

    [hug]

  19. I do exactly the same. Start the day with healthy breakfast and not even an hour has barely past and I’m queing up at the bakery for whatever takes my fancy – cheese/chive scone, cinnamon scroll, cheesymite scroll (cheese and vegemite – something we’re famour for in Australia!!), choc chip buns… Or it’s a chocolate bar from a vending machine or the train platform shop. AHHHHHHHHHH. I don’t know why I keep doing it to myself either. I have all the good intentions in the world, but I still do it. It’s called HABIT and it’s jolly hard to break one. I’ve never smoked but can imagine how easy it would be to buy a packet and light one after the other up when you’re trying to quit.

    My psychologist suggests I don’t carry cash or ATM (automatic teller machine – EFTPOS) cards with me when I go out. If you don’t have money you can’t buy it… and you can’t eat it if you don’t buy it. ALSO, to stay away from food courts, fast food shops as much as you can. If you do have a scone or a apple scroll, it’s not the end of the world. I’m going to say to myself “well ok, lets make today a chocolate free day” and also recognise that choice you made was not desireable and doesn’t get you to your goal.

    I do a lot of emotional and boredom eating. You need to find something to distract yourself – make a phone call, read a book, have two big glasses of water.

    All you can do is plod on and keep trying… “It aint over till the fat lady sings” as they say.

  20. Part of it IS psychological – AND PART OF IT IS CHEMICAL! This is the first time I’m posting to your site after reading/lurking for awhile – so inspiring – and I’m from the states where we’re bombarded with nutritional information (in addition to images of size nothing models).

    Long story short, I figured out (I like you started to weigh a little too much when I was about 12, although – as usual – *sigh* – less than the family made fun of) that since I had jacked up my metabolism from the yo-yo syndrome, there are some things now my metabolism JUST CAN’T TAKE – in a nutshell, processed sugar and white bread. It’s the COMBINATION of those things with saturated fat that causes instant weight gain (read “Fast Food Nation” if you can get a hold of a copy, very enlightening). So I permit myself lots of protein shakes to help with the muscle building (the other thing the docs don’t tell you is that you HAVE to eat more protein to build muscle if you’re weight training, especially if you’re a woman) and I get to eat berries (very good, whoever talked about that above) because they are sweet, and NUTS and CHEESE! (Wonderful things; every time I try to reduce and give up cheese, the plan fails miserably.)

    Not that you asked for all those suggestions, but maybe some of them will help. I TOTALLY no longer crave chocolate – the boyfriend and the dad split a piece of MUD PIE the other evening at the concert, and I didn’t even blink.

    Good luck!

  21. Oh, I am so totally right there with you, Girl. I just posted on my blog about my fated meeting with coconut raspberry zingers from a vending machine. And I just lost 5 damn pounds WHILE ON VACATION!! What was I thinking??

    Who knows. Anyhoo, we’re only human. Just can’t use these little brushes with dieting death as an excuse to go hog wild.

    You are doing fabulously… hang in there!

  22. How about going back to banning the chocolate until the weddings?

    I don’t have any why answers. I think you answered it well. SC is in this with you.

    Hey, how about if you eat anything that is off your food plan you have to put a pic of it up in your photos? Would that help or hurt?

    Just trying help.

  23. DG, it’s different for everyone, but my own theory re the rogue chocolate intake (and let’s deconstruct that by the way, chocolate you don’t really like from a souless vending machine, which is about as disassociated as possible from conscious or caring eating ) so soon after your outstanding achievement the other day, could simply be seen as a brief relapse into the self sabotage that creeps in when we dare think maybe we’ve got this whole diet thing sorted out. Just see it as a brief relapse, but yes, one that you can learn from (I agree with a previous contribution – if you’re going to lose yourself in chocolate make it a small amount of good chocolate). You are such inspiration and have come so far – so tell the crap chocolate vendor machine seeking scone scoffing remnants of your psyche to go and get stuffed.

  24. Ok. You have finally done it! You have motivated this lazy 36-year-old American to give this whole lose weight and have a life thing a try. I just discovered you and read every last thing you wrote from the beginning… twice. You are the best thing since sliced bread! I just got my own website today and I will begin my journal as soon as I figure out how to run a website, how to write decently (too bad I am not funny like you) and how to “get real” on a daily basis. I joined a gym on June 4th, 2005 and I have only gone once so far, great start (hehehe…). Well, I will keep in touch and continue to read your journals faithfully. Keep on keeping on! Congrats on being a success! πŸ˜‰

  25. I tend to rebel when I think I’m missing out and I can totally relate to the “just ordinary” it’s like chocolate has lost that buzz you get from it. Well for me anyways.

    I hope next week is better for you! You sound super organised with all that stuff you take to work, is there a reason you don’t want it? maybe because it’s not in your face like the food is when you’re at the vending machine or the hot roll guy. I tend to forget what I have when it’s not RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME – hahh yea I sound so childish it’s sad hehe.

    yay@ your mention in the blog and 5k run will have to check that out after.

    Good luck with next week!

  26. Ok, since my first official weigh-in at WW is on Monday I have been eating chocolate and whatever else doesn’t eat me first. I feel your pain and I think I ate that too!

  27. Don’t be disheartened! Keep going! Shake that 400g off by next week!!! Do check out my blog too okay?? πŸ™‚

  28. I’ve just discovered your blog today and read on some of the previous entries, and my… this is a very inspiring blog! I’m even going allow myself to comment on this entry now πŸ˜‰

    I went through a similar phase that somewhat ended not so long ago, and even though the reasons to “sabotage” ourselves differ from individual to individual, I think there may indeed be a part of “I deserve it!” involved. What happened in my case, for instance, did happen when I reached a point when I could tell myself: “I lost half of my extra weight”. I had set a goal of losing 20 kgs, no matter how long this would take me, but then, when the scales told me one fair morning that I had lost 10 kgs total, something in me snapped. I guess this was the Inner Brat, the one that had shut up during my first months of efforts and commitment, and its talk was basically: “You did it, you lost half of it! Don’t you think you can beathe freely a little, and allow yourself some treats?” And there… there goes the sabotaging, and somewhat falling off the wagon, as we indulge in “reward foods” while knowing very well that it’s going against everything we’ve strived for.

    So, as I said… not sure it may be your case, but I honestly think that lots, lots of us (if not all of us) go through such a phase sooner or later. It’s really not easy, though – not easy to acknowledge it, and not easy to get over it and behave in a health yway again >.<

  29. DG, I am once again amazed by your writing and your willingness to share so much of yourself with others, even when it opens you up to less than savory comments.

    Have you ever considered writing a book about your journey, separate from your contributions to Tales from the Scale, of course? I think you’d have a huge market for it. πŸ˜€

  30. I totally agree with Beatte! I feel like I know you through your journals and I would love to be able to read more. I think a book of your own would be incredible. Do you want us to start a petition, lol?

  31. Fow what it’s worth, I have that bad food craving when I haven’t had enough protein/fat so far that day. I track my food in fitDay & go by the percentages on the graph. So far drinking more milk & putting “healthy oils” in my morning oatmeal has balanced out the pie chart and reduced the cravings. I also bring a smaller treat in to work. I love the “chocolate snob” idea, but the best small packages of chocolate I can find are Dove dark promises here in the US. Not sure what’s available there. Each is about 50 calories and enough to take that junk food/chocolate edge off, without being 300 cal. A nice mid-afternoon treat.

  32. i made a new years resolution: NO SNACKS FROM THE VEND-O-MATIC! i have kept it all year. i even stopped going in the breakroom at work with the snack machine.

    but you should have seen me on dec. 31: i was like a crackhead, fiending on the twix bars! it has been hard and i often find myself looking at the machine longingly whenever i have the misfortune to find myself in that breakroom. but i have not put any coins in the machine for almost 6 months!

    i have found a good treat that is low-fat and actually good for you. i take an apricot, peach, plum or other stone fruit and cut it in half. then i slice a half very thinly. i arrange them in a circle on a microwave safe plate, sprinkle the entire thing with 1/2 tsp. only of real sugar, and microwave it on high for 1 minute 30 seconds. it turns the fruit into a substance that’s like fruit leathers- i have to scrape it off the plate!- but i know it doesn’t have all the preservatives and sugar of a regular fruit leather. no more than 60 calories and it keeps me satisfied!

    p.s. i tried it with sweetner in place of sugar and it was horrid!

  33. I absolutely positively hear you on the “don’t bring cash to work” part. I have tried to do the exact same thing. So many of the emotions you expressed in this paragraph ring very true for me. Thank you so much for writing this all down.