Excuses, Excuses

Thank you to the kind folks who enquired about my whereabouts! Which excuse for not writing would you like first?

ONE – The cricket!
It’s the final Ashes test, people. I used to say I hated cricket, just like I used to say I hated olives. Then I actually tried an olive and discovered it was salty, sharp and delicious. Likewise, I actually started watching cricket this year and now I love it. I think it’s only because I am away from home and seeing Aussies on the telly makes me feel all fuzzy inside.

TWO – The illness!
I’ve been off work with the flu. I’ve been weak as a dishrag, coughing up green stuff, and moping about with such a bad fever that I didn’t want to eat. That’s right, I DIDN’T WANT ANY FOOD. I can’t believe it either. Sure, it was only about 12 hours before my appetite came back, but this must be some sort of record.

THREE – The writing!
I got a few story offers after the Sunday Mail and Grazia appearences. Mostly women’s magazines wanting to feature me in their Whoa Dudes, I Lost Some Crazy Weight! amazing transformation type of stories, where they fly you down to London and bouff your hair up and give you some funky clothes and do a photoshoot. I was tempted at first because the total amounted to a very nice new digital camera or maybe even some savings. But once I took away the dollar signs I realised the magazines were a little bit… well how do I say this politely? A bit shit. I mean there’s nothing wrong with them, per se; I am no snob and I am not rubbishing their readerships. But I didn’t want to be in a magazine I wouldn’t buy myself. Nor did I want to dilute the story by whoring it out all over town in publications with actual headlines like these:

"LIVING IN TERROR – The little girl who escaped from this baby faced MONSTER"

"The £2 bag that saved my life"

"My daughter helped heal my broken heart THEN BROKE IT IN TWO"

But in the end I was contacted by the lovely editor of an Australian women’s mag, and they actually wanted me to write a story instead of being a tubby little clotheshorse. So I snapped that up. At first I was over the moon but the day before the deadline I freaked out. An actual deadline for some Writing of Consequence! Help! You must understand I have had brain-dead jobs for the past 2.5 years so I am accustomed to having no real responsibility or pressure. It drudged up all the nightmare that was my journalism degree, the memory of bile and rot in your gut as the clock ticks away and your brain refuses to produce any words. I was a completely rubbish journalist, every moment of my internships filled me with terror. I don’t know how people do it for a living, the constant deadlines and doorknocking. I just couldn’t hack the pace, and years later I am still rubbish. I had to write just 1000 teeny weeny words on the simple topic of ME, and still I couldn’t bloody do it without jumping up and down on the bed yelling, "I caaan’t doooo thiiiiiis!" for a few hours until finally churning it out at the very very very last minute. Once I’d finally turned it in I felt so burned out I could barely write my own name, let alone an entry, so…

FOUR – The burnout!
To be honest, I have been bloody sick of talking about my fat. I needed to step back for awhile and remember that I have other interests aside from lard busting. I wanted to go to the gym and eat healthy because it’s just what I do, not because I was going to sift through it later for the bloggable bits.

FIVE – The unbearable excitement about going to Australia!
It’s two weeks today til we fly out home. Huzzah! To be honest, I really can’t think about anything else right now, I’m so excited I could spew. I can’t concentrate on work or writing or sleep. All I can do is pour over my intinerary, my budget spreadsheet, my folder of printouts of our hotels and flights and blah blah blah. I have lists too! Lists of Gifts To Purchase! Tours To Organise! Vows To Write! People To See After 2.5 Year Absence! Things To Pack! Things To Wax And Pluck!

And I still need to find a new stapless bra for my wedding dress. I have lost more weight since the Wedding II but it only seems to have come from the boobal area. My breasts are, as I described to my husband’s horror, "sloshing around like tea in a mug" in the all-in-one strapless bodysuit thingy I bought for Wedding I. Why do they have to keep shrinking? What about my goddamn thighs?

Anyway, so that’s what I’ve been up to. And I am behind on email too. I promise to write more soon and actually say something of substance. Hope you’re all well. Bon weekend!

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20 thoughts on “Excuses, Excuses

  1. I find it hard to believe that your writing would be anything less than brilliant. Sounds much nicer to actually write a story than be the subject of someone else’s (at least you have the control).

    I had the same experience with olives but not with cricket (having a cricket mad son doesnt’ help).

  2. Goodness but you’ve had a lot on your plate lately. Glad to hear that you’re feeling better. Colds and flu at this time of the year are just nasty!!

  3. sorry to hear about the cold, that is not nice.

    but how much fun to go back home and to show it to your husband. You must be so excited. I understand that.

  4. I love your choice for which magazine you ended up dealing with. It sounds like they’re interested in your story instead of producing a freak show. As a fellow ex-journo I TOTALLY get your freak-out.

  5. I don’t mind watching cricket if there is copious amounts of beer to drink. Being from New Zealand though, our cricket team has to go to Zimbabwe to actually beat anyone. And who the hell should be going to Zimbabwe at the moment, promoting Moo-gar-bee. (I know that is not how it is spelt but I thought I would give the phonic version!!).

    As for you, the whole point of this: you are now the most famous person I know because you are having three weddings. Even Princess Di didn’t have three. You are truly a celeb in your own right.

    As for the doing it instead of blogging it: good shit. I do know what you mean. I sometimes think as I am biking or eating, “how will I blog this?”. Unluckily for me the latter is the more predominant of the two, therefore there are a hell of a lot more posts about eating than exercising.

    Point of this comment: not a lot really, just showing my support for you, lvoing that yuou are back and just blabbing on really.

  6. At my recent birthday party (one of the big ones) I got virtually NO pictures for more or less the same reason that you’re not blogging so much: I preferred to actually live the experience rather than stand outside it and record it. That I failed to corral some other hapless soul into recording it for me says a bit about my general lack of organization around the event, but nevermind. There must be some balance to living and writing that doesn’t dilute the one without defueling the other. Still looking for it — let me know if you find it first.

  7. Oh please tell us which magazine you’re going to write for…or did you already do that and I missed it?

    When I was living in the UK, I loved going back home to Oz for holidays. I always used to count down the months, then weeks, then days before I got on that plane.

    Will you still blog while you’re over here?

  8. stuffing around a couple of days ago and found your site, brilliant reading, sitting down for a read every chance I get, though new to all this and can’t figure out how this blogging buisness works exactly.
    I need some motivation quickly as instead of loosing (need to loose about 20-22lbs)I keep gaining and it’s real bad the more I sit at the computer and read I end up eating along with it.

  9. AHAHAHA,

    Hot diggety dog! I used to describe my shrinking boobs as marbles in the bottom of a sock. I totally got your visual!

    I think you notice your boobs shrinking more than your thighs because they are smaller to begin with. It’s like watching a little ice cube melt compared to a block of ice melting. It won’t hepp’en overnight, but it will hepp’en.

    I get have been pushed into the cricket scene also. Who’d have thought we’d enjoy it!

  10. Cool post! Loved it 🙂 Which Australian Magazine is it please? Hopefully one of the ones that also comes out in NZ…

    I am sooooo into Lists as well – do you have a List of Lists???!!! For months before the actual event I have little notebooks stuffed into my handbag that I can whip out and scribble on or jot random thoughts into – cool!!

  11. You’ve been ill! No! nasty. Poor you. Do you think flu is communicable via the internet? Various bloggers I know as far away as California seem to have had the flu at the same time. Obviously they can’t physically have been sharing the same germs…

    Well done for spurning the dross-magazines. I’m not sure I’d have had the strength of mind in your place (I would be too overexcited at the thought of being published) but it was definitely a good decision.

    I used to PLAY cricket back in the days of primary school, but have never quite learned the subtleties of one-day matches, County matches and Tests. Provoked hilarity from the boyfriend by referring to the Fifth Test as “the cricket finals”. Well, England gets to keep the Ashes if it wins… doesn’t that make it the final? Apparently not. Not that he even follows the cricket, but as an Englishman he seems to have absorbed an understanding of how it works automatically. Humph.

  12. oh, shauny, that boob thing. mine managed to dissapear with recent weight loss from a solid 34d to a 32b/c.

    proof that boobs are just glorified fat, really.

    but it’s good, too. the boobal shrinkage really has quite some impact on general appearance and clothes fitting: no more shirts with buttons that threaten to pop off any moment. plus much less that can get in the way during work outs. that’s good, methinks.

    and australia! yay! 🙂

  13. The burn out is a good reason. Sometimes if feels like you are trying your hardest in order to stand up to a certain rep. But you are so gorgeous shauna, and you have so much to give mate!

  14. There were so many LOL moments in this post that I can’t even remember one right now. Oh yeah, something about tea bags – and sloshing !!

    Have a great day and keep those lists coming for your trip. Whooo Hoooo. Do we alert Customs just in case your photo doesn’t match your face anymore 😉

  15. Just found your blog through another blog that got press in a big U.S. paper. However your words are true and add funny pearls of wisdom to my day, so I hope to be coming back for frequent visits. I just visited Oz (Sydney and then over to Perth, WA) for the first time (I’m from the southern U.S.) this summer… and had a terrific time. It’s so beautiful there! The bluest skies I’ve ever seen. I hope all goes well with Wedding madness. Cheers!

  16. Oooohh… One more thing. I just read your “About Me” and realized I had more to mention. When I was in Oz this summer, Nutella and cadbury’s became my downfall as well, so I understand how that can sneak up on you. Oh man… we’re talking I gained 12 lbs in 3 weeks! Yikes! That’s what discovering “afternoon tea” will do to you I guess. Anyway, a little bit of cadbury’s is better than none at all. Goodness gracious, we have nothing as good as Flakes in the States that’s for sure.

  17. I think it is so cool that you have come into so many opportunities. I’ll have to check you out in the mag? Which one is it? Also I know your pain about smaller boobs. It really sucks. I wish we could choose where the weight falls from. That would be terrific!

  18. Strangely enough, I learned to love Cricket by watching a Bollywood movie called Lagaan. For whatever reason, the Cricket in that movie really got me interested in the sport. If I had TV, I’d probably try to see if a sports channel had any matches I could watch.

    Sorry to hear you were ill… glad to hear you are feeling better, and still writing. Will you be posting the story when it streets?

  19. Haha! My husband is a huge cricket fan. He’s from India, though, so I think the two of you would have fun rooting for opposite teams. 🙂

    Nicole

  20. I know this entry is a bit old now, but I wanted to say that I read your story in that aussie womans mag. I never buy them but it was calling out to me, and now I guess I know why! (otherwise, of course, I would never, ever have known about this weblog).

    And I have to tell you it made me bloody cry, with tears of pride for you and the enourmous achievement of what you have done.

    Your thighs? Pilates! It worked wonders on my tummy as well, and I am very upset I can no longer do it because of back trouble and arthritis.