Five Years of Dietgirl – Part II

2002

It’s no coincidence that "2002" sort of rhymes with "poo", because 2002 pretty much stank.

While 2001 was a golden uneventful year that allowed me to focus entirely on losing weight, 2002 was all about reality rearing its ugly head. Everything seemed to turn to shit all at once.

There’s not many posts in the 2002 Archives. There was a major Movable Type glitch and I lost six months of entries, never to be seen again. Not that I had been updating much. Now’s my chance to fill in the gaps.

First there was very traumatic family upheaval. I won’t rehash the Jerry Springer-esque details, but it was a shitty time, and I just fell in a heap. I cannot remember ever feeling so utterly drained, angry, hopeless, hurt and lost.

While all that craziness was going on, my sister and I made the ill-considered decision to move house, to share a place with a friend of ours who’d been looking for somewhere to live. Both of us knew at the time that it was bad, bad idea; but we were in such a zombie state of numbness that we were just not our usual rational selves. We left a perfectly cosy home for a bloody nightmare.

It’s a convoluted story, but basically the landlords sent me a letter stating that I wasn’t allowed to have a dog on the premises and he was to be removed immediately, depsite being assured by the estate agents that managed the property that this was okay when we signed the lease.

And thus began a three-month saga, complete with furtive letter writing, legal advice and courtroom dramas. We won our little case in the end, and had our lease to be terminated just so we could get away from the Evil Dodgy Landlords. We were even awarded some minor compensation so we could pay to move house yet again. But in the end we couldn’t find anywhere with a yard so I had to find a new home for my wee dog, and it was a bloody miserable day when I said bye to him.

Meanwhile, things had gone pear-shaped at work. I had been working as a Content Manager since 1999, one of those beautiful dot-com era jobs that don’t exist today thanks to software like Blogger and MT. By mid-2002 the work had dried up and the company had decided to "redeploy" me. Instead of a fun, varied job with heaps of responsibility, I’d been lumped with data entry and sticking barcodes on computers all day long. A few weeks of that really kills off the old self esteem.

I began a desperate search for a new job. But my desperation and complete lack of confidence and direction must have come through in every interview, because I soon had a hefty stack of rejection letters.

And what of the lard busting during all this?

I gained back over 20 kilos. I stopped going to the gym and got reaccquainted with my old friend the chocolate bar. By July my nice new Skinny Jeans had become the Jeans That Spontaneously Unzip Themselves In Public. I was completely out of control again. And not just with the eating. Every aspect of my life felt out of control. I dragged myself through each day, numb and bleak. I started calling in sick to work, then hiding under the covers and crying. Then the faux-sick became proper sick because I’d let my health slide. So it was back under the covers and crying, with extra snotty tissues.

I felt like such a stinking failure for not summoning the strength to pick myself up again. What happened to the Invincible Dietgirl of 2001? At the first sight of trouble I had turned back to my old ways. Had I learned nothing at all?

In the end out of sheer desperation, I went to see a doctor and came out with my old friend Zoloft. The doc had been reluctant, saying diet and exercise would be much more beneficial. I bawled in her office and pleaded my case. I hated the idea of taking anti-depressants again, but I needed some help to just get out of bed, before I could tackle the diet and exercise.

Things picked up very quickly after that. Maybe it was the drugs kicking in, or maybe it was just me feeling relieved that I had put a name to months of shitty feelings. There was something comforting about declaring myself depressed. Not that I told anyone – I’d gone back on the pills in secret – but it was a comfort to admit to myself, Yes I’m Down Here Again. Somehow it made me feel more sane. I could put a name to it, draw a line under it, put all the crap in a box and move on. As soon as I admitted that I wasn’t coping, I started to cope again. Does that make any sense?

A few weeks later I started exercising again, then made the very expensive decision to join SureSlim. I was still feeling rather fragile and pathetic and wanted my hand held. I didn’t really follow their diet as it was too restricted for my style, but thrived on the individual weigh-ins and having a good fifteen minute chat to someone each week. None of the cattle truck feeling of Weight Watchers. It was then I realised how complex this weight loss journey was going to be, how life was going to keep getting in the way. I would have to learn to quickly adapt my methods to whatever was going on in my life at the time.

By September I’d lost ten kilos of the regain and made my Dietgirl comeback, slinking back online after months of silence. Then finally I scored a fantastic new job.

Then in October my beloved grandfather died after a long battle with Parkinson’s Disease. I had never lost anyone before. Since he had been suffering so long I had expected to feel relieved, instead it was a crazy rollercoaster ride of grief. My sister and I gave his eulogy, which was difficult and uplifting all at the same time. At one point as I stood there at the pulpit, I am ashamed to say I thought, I wonder if anyone can tell I’ve lost weight, coz I look great in this new skirt! Oh dear.

But I do remember suddenly realising that life was so much bigger than what you weighed. I never felt so close to my family as those few weeks, and so protective of them. My sister and I bought a giant passionfruit cheesecake the afternoon Poppy died, and I remember our wistful giggles as we ate it, Poppy would want us to have another slice, I’m sure of it.

FEARS OF THE YEAR:

That I would never find anything decent to wear in the midst of the puffy peasant shirt revival of summer 2002.

And this:

There comes a day when you just look in the mirror and realise that no matter how many times you haul your ass to the gym, no matter how many mountains you climb, no matter how many bars of chocolate you decline to eat; you are never, ever going to want someone to see you naked.

TRIUMPH OF THE YEAR:

After all that regaining, I got busy losing again and finally reached the elusive 100lb lost mark.

ANTI-CLIMAX OF THE YEAR:

My 25th Birthday came and went and obviously I did not reach my goal, but vowed to do it by my 26th. HA HA HA!

After starting the year at 115 kilos, I finished the year at about 105. So 20 kilos gained, but 30 kilos lost again.

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14 thoughts on “Five Years of Dietgirl – Part II

  1. Oy! I’ve had a year like that. I’ll be curious how you round up your Anniversary Week…I’m wondering how you’re feeling, looking back on All That from your current vantage point. I hope you’re feeling proud and very nurturing of your Self.

  2. I’ve just spent the last 3 hours of my sick day off work reading those exact same archives – I would have been better off just waiting for the update!

    Anyway at least I got to have a good cry and get it all out of my system, blubbering about someone elses problems instead of my own 😛

    You are truly wonderful and we would all be honoured to do you 😛

  3. 2002 was the year I started reading dietgirl I do believe and made my own forays into blogging.

    I have really enjoyed reading it and these recaps are great.

  4. Whoa! Who is “The Drunken Whore” and why is she commenting so early in the morning?!

    I remember 2002. I was already reading you and when I saw you gone for so long I thought that you had given up. I was relieved to see that you had decided to go back to your fat blasting project. It was like reading a live book and having the heroine take the road you wanted her to!

  5. “There comes a day when you just look in the mirror and realise that no matter how many times you haul your ass to the gym, no matter how many mountains you climb, no matter how many bars of chocolate you decline to eat; you are never, ever going to want someone to see you naked.”

    Thank you for this. I mean I have silently thanked you as many times as I have read your archives (and they’ve been many) but I really really have to thank you for this.

    It is quite a thing to see yourself become obese and flabby and horribly big after seeing yourself slim and sexy. It is quite another thing to see yourself back to almost-slim-with-some-stretchmarks-to-remind-you and sexy just to see yourself reach weights you never thought were possible to be carried around by your poor bones.

    Then one day you realise that not only you have lost and regained a hundred and fifty kilos if added up together, but you are closer to 40 than 30 and the damage is here to stay.

    But this paragraph of yours reminded me of the magic vacations I had the summer that passed. When with all the grandeur of my 88 kilos I was swimming, snorkeling, playing racketball in the beach, having wild sex in the sand, all in my two pieces bathing suit, and it reminded me how good I felt in this body I so badmouth at times, and how this feeling of happiness reflected in my posture, in my movement, in everything.

    Thank you shauna for reminding me that the true thing I want is NOT to see my photograph with a small bikini in any glossy magazine. This is not why I am loosing weight. Not to show off the gorgeous flesh. The only reflection I am seeking now is the one of my happy smile in the eyes of the ones I love.

    You are my hero missus!!!

  6. Wow. I totally loved reading that. And I’ve been seriously down on Sureslim ever since I read one of the menus a friend had been given. It is SUPER restrictive and I don’t think I could do it for even 1 day!

  7. It makes me tear up to read entries like the one Argy quoted, knowing what we know now, that you and SC are together, married, happy. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us, DG. You rawk! (*Trying desperately to disguise Midwestern American accent*)

  8. Dietgirl – you are truly amazing and I have to delurk to say I have been reading you forever and think you are absolutely bloody marvellous! Well done on 5 years in the blogsphere and diet hall of fame, you continue to inspire me with your no nonsense approach to weight management and fitness and I have LOVED reading about your adventures! Please keep up the good work and keep on with your fantastic writing, I look forward to reading you for a long time yet!

  9. I’ve never commented on your site but have been reading for a while now and would just like to say that I think you are amazing. Not only with the weight loss but with your passion, writing and views. Good for you and have a great 2006.

  10. I’m really loving these entries! I’m so grateful for your openness and honesty about the setbacks you’ve encountered; it honestly helps to know that people out there have gotten derailed — sometimes for months at a time — and still gotten back on track. Thank you.

  11. Being a relative recent blogger I have not read your archives, nor know all of your history. Thank you for this recap. I hope you never, ever have another 2002 again. But bloody big congratulations to you that you pulled yourself out of it and have moved forward in ways that would almost be unimaginable to the person you were then.

    You are an inspiration:)

  12. Happy Blogiversary – Onya Tiger! *raises glass of water to toast* 😀

    “There was something comforting about declaring myself depressed…it was a comfort to admit to myself, Yes I’m Down Here Again. Somehow it made me feel more sane. I could put a name to it, draw a line under it, put all the crap in a box and move on. As soon as I admitted that I wasn’t coping, I started to cope again. Does that make any sense?”

    Absolutely it makes sense! Sometimes I think we are living the same life. Well, very similar anyway 🙂 That’s why I love ya so much! heh.

  13. I have discovered your blog only a couple of days ago and printed off all your entries. I read them in the bath after my own one hour daily walk, and I read them in bed late at night (instead of eating some peanut butter crackers). So far I have read up to March 2005 (You just got married!!), and it has been a joy to learn about your weightloss adventures. I admire your determination and love your sense of humour.

    I have just started my own fat busting project. I have had a pretty bad time and am now heavier than I ever was. I lost the love of my life, I am currently between jobs and was generally very grumpy. All this made me just want to curl up in bed with the duvet cover over my head. But enough! It is time to get my bum into gear. Your heroic story is most certainly a great motivation. I have 30 kilo’s to lose and know it will take me an awful long time. Your blog shows me it can be done though!

  14. Your 2002 is my 2006. I’m there with you. My head is just a damn mess and I just want to hide and never come out of the covers. In fact im sitting here with my pint of ice cream right now. I know I should stop before I start.