First Wednesday Weigh-In for 2006! 86.7 kg.
I was 85.3 at the last WWI on December 21, so this means a 1.4 kilo (3lb) gain over Festivus.
This may sound a lot. But in the previous year’s fesitive feeding frenzy, I managed to gain 15 pounds in three weeks, becoming one depressed and angry little shite. So it’s great to see I actually learned something from that experience. I’m proud of how I handled things and how quickly I was able to refocus.
My tactic this time round was: Eat whatever the hell I want. But only things that I really really liked, and in reasonable portions. As opposed to eating everything in vast quantities just because it was there.
It worked well. I talked to myself like a loon to ensure I made conscious choices. Oooh I enjoyed every morsel. Roast potatoes and parsnips, Kettle chips, after dinner mints, Lindt truffles, trifle, bacon avocado burger with garlic mayo fries (from Gourmet Burger Kitchen), cheese and oatcakes, stuffing cake, port, chicken roasted with butter, sage, lemon and proscuitto; and passionfruit cheesecake.
Yes, all that with no remorse, no gas, no crippling stomach ache, no guilt or loathing.
(Oooh I have to tell you about the stuffing cake! For someone who eats a largely vegetarian diet, I really enjoyed the flesh over the holidays. The already magnificent delicious Stuffing is elevated further in a cake-like form. I got the recipe from Good Food magazine. You get some good quality sausagemeat and mix it with sauteed celery and onion. Then you chuck in parsley, thyme, orange zest, fresh breadcrumbs and a handful of chopped walnuts. You then get a round cake tin and lay down eight strips of pancetta (or streaky bacon) like spokes of a wheel. You only put about an inch of each strip on the bottom, and drape the rest up and over the side of tin. Then you put in the stuffing mixture, then pull over the long bits of pancetta on top of the cake so it looks like a lovely big pink meaty present! Whack it in the over for 45 mins then… STUFFING HEAVEN. But only make this once a year, otherwise you and your arteries will go straight to Stuffing Hell.)
After some severe withdrawal symptoms (quietly sulking on the couch for a day until the sweet sweet memory of sugar faded), I’m back on the Quorn and lentils now. Huzzah for learning from your mistakes. Even if it takes twenty years to learn.
. . .
Finally! Some resolutions.
1) Reduce Paranoia, Increase Confidence!
After reading Kathryn and Beckie’s recent entries about self-acceptance, I realised that I am finally down with the self-acceptance. I genuinely like my bod now. Yes indeed.
I recently visited a friend. We were getting ready to go out, preening in front of the mirror. God. I’m so fat, she muttered. Look at my gut! Look at it!. I gawked at my own reflection to select a flaw of my own to point out, to sort of join in. But I didn’t say a word!
Before I would have blurted on auto-pilot, "That’s nothing, look my spare tyres! And check out my flabby arse!". But now I felt perfectly happy with what I saw, and furthermore it felt wrong to trash-talk myself. Not even for sister solidarity. My bum is still a hefty bum but it doesn’t bother me anymore. I could definitely do with more toning up and dropping some more sizes, but I have just reached a point where I feel happy and don’t see the point in wasting energy on self-loathing anymore. The body’s not perfect and never will be, but it gets me around. It can run, walk, fart. It’s a marvel. Why hate it?
However. Becoming more confident with my body has made me realise I’m not entirely confident in my head. I’ve always blamed my lack of risk-taking on the blubber, but with 86% the excess gone, I know underneath I’m just fundamentally shitscared.
I need to do more with my career and writing, but fear holds me back. I need to make new friends (my sis has been away a whole year now), but I’m still reluctant. I should try all those sporty things I used to say I was too fat to do. But now the body is capable of it, the mind is freaking out!
My fears include: failure, failing, falling, looking stupid, discovering I am actually crap at something I thought I was good at, and injuring myself.
This resolution is a bit vague because I’m not sure how you go about increasing confidence. Maybe just by throwing yourself in the deep end? Trying a few new things? Walking up to a stranger and pleading, "BE MY FRIEND!"?
I’ll start with just trying to be more social in general. To think about how am I communicating with people and what impression I am giving by being a quiet little fraidy cat. And maybe try returning emails, calling people, making conversation instead of being a passive observer. In other words, stop acting like an invisible fat person.
2) Write Like A Mofo
I always say writing is my favourite hobby, but if you looked at how I actually spend my time you’d think my hobbies were sleeping in and watching Seinfeld DVDs. So I resolve to make writing a priority instead of a half-arsed afterthought. To stop being coy and self-deprecating about it (see Resolution 1) and just admit this is what I love to do and bloody go for it.
When I wrote briefly about porridge last year, a commenter said this was uninteresting, and perhaps it was time to shut up shop if that’s what direction this blog was going to take.
After briefly pissing me off, I thought seriously about it, and realised it is a direction I do want to take. Not in place of the usual Dietgirl piffle, but as an addition. I am a nutritional nerd. I love learning about grains and calories and trans fats and fibre and vitamins, BEYOND the context of weight loss. As I’ve mentioned I am obsessed with food, where it comes from, what we do with it, how it impacts on our health and the economy and blah blah blah. I am always driving the Scottish Companion bonkers with my endless prattle about the latest book or article or recipe I’ve read.
My dream gig would to write columns about health and nutrition, like Sally Squires of the Washington Post’s Lean Plate Club. I’d make it encouraging, fun and inspiring.
This year I will be pretty absorbed with another major writing task, but to pursue this new interest, I might start a seperate food blog. I’ll prattle on about quinoa and kale and not worry if people think it’s boring! It’ll just be for fun and I’ll get some writing practice in the process. Score!
I also have to commit to writing more regularly on Dietgirl. And my non-fat blog for that matter. I just have to turn it into a habit, like going to the gym or watching Seinfeld DVDs.
– Write for at least half an hour per day (already done it today, just pissfarting around with this stupid entry!)
– Write three blog entries a week. One for each blog, and a third on whichever one I fancy.
– Start nutrition nerd blog for own enjoyment
3) Eat Well
The same old story.
– Keep exploring new foods (eg a new nut, seed, grain, vegie) so I don’t get bored and have something to write about
– Try two new recipes per month
– Track food every DAY, dammit!
– Sign up for regular organic fruit and vegie box deliveries
4) Keep Moving My Butt
Last years fitness goals were to run a 5k, re-learn to ride a bike and take SC’s kickboxing class. The 5k went alright. I learned to ride a bike but it was only a Spinning one that goes nowhere. And the kickboxing class closed down. D’oh!
After one Real Bike Session, we found that SC’s bike is too big for me, and until I save enough dosh for a girly one, I will continue down to road to nowhere with my RPM (Spinning-esque) classes. There will also be cameos from Body Combat and Tae-Bo. I will re-assess this when winter is over.
In terms of strength and flexibility, I will continue with my Body Pump and sign up for a new block of Pilates classes. I also want to build up to doing a full body push-up, instead of the pathetic, trembly girly knee ones I do now. And tricep dips! I can barely manage three before my arms wilt. Weakling!
To ease back into it after Christmas inertia, I will start with these weekly targets:
– Pilates on Mondays
– RPM x 2
– Combat or Tae-Bo x 1
– Body Pump or Home Weights x 3
To be revisited in February!
There is a glaring lack of specific weight loss targets here. I vowed last year that I’d be at goal by now, but obviously I ain’t. No deadlines this year. If I keep to these resolutions, things should start happenin’.