It’s been a week of ups and downs. The first down was weighing in and finding out I’d gained four pounds over the previous two weeks. If you don’t mind I won’t be updating the weight on the sidebar because it’s too bloody depressing, and I am determined to reverse it as soon as possible.
Admittedly my eating hadn’t been perfect, but the real killer has been the drastic reduction in my exercise. I’m just not burning the same amount of calories. My cardio is restricted to bike and elliptical trainer on doctors orders, which can get mighty tedious no matter how funky the tunes are on your iPod.
And I miss my weight training so badly. I’m strictly forbidden to do lower body weights, and looks like upper body weights are out for now too – I did Cathe’s Pyramid Upper Body last weekend and was in agony afterwards – screaming shoulders and back – and not in that pleasant, smug muscle singing way. It seemed to exacerbate the problems I’ve been having. After a week on holiday I thought I was mended again, but as soon as I got back to work and computering again, things started to hurt. Despite being extra vigilant about posture.
Even Pilates is a bitch. Between the knee and the shoulder, the simplest moves feel awkward or painful, like the all-fours box position (kneeling hurts), or the most basic face-down "swimming" move where you simply lift your arm off the floor (poor mobility in that bloody shoulder). I’m so busy trying to arrange my body in the least painful configuration that I forget to do my breathing and stomach contractions properly, which is the whole bloody point of Pilates.
So I definitely need to speak to the physio, yes indeedy. But can I just vent for a minute?
ARRRGH! ARrrghhhh! AaaarrrghHHH!
So that’s why I haven’t written here all week. Have just felt too bloody demoralised and didn’t want to come here just to whinge.
I am sick of the sound of myself! I missing feeling sporty and strong. Instead I feel flabby and paranoid. I’m convinced my biceps are deflating and my stomach is one jiggling, untamed tsunami of flesh.
But I did say there were Up moments this week! It’s been raining all week, which hasn’t helped my mood, but there was a brief chink of dry yesterday in which I was out on my bike. I felt so much more comfortable with that machine, I wobbled less and I even went down a hill and enjoyed it! Okay, it was hardly Everest. But it was slope in the park that I used to whinge about when I had to run up it, so I will count that as progress. I had such a great time. This could be my saviour!
I need to stay positive, instead of moping about wishing I could get a transplant for the entire right side of my body. I need to get through this. I need to find ways to burn calories without causing further injury. I might need to eat less to compensate. But I can’t keep letting things overwhelm me and let even more pounds sneak back on. It may take longer and I may have to do it differently than I’d planned, but I’m too close to the end to screw it up now.