Thanks so much for your rockin’ comments and emails, groovers! You have no bloody idea how much I appreciated every single word. I’ve sent my visa application back with a metric tonne of extra evidence, so now we play the waiting game. Cross your fingers and toes and eyes that they’ll be satisfied this time! 🙂
Okay, life is generally a wee bit batshit crazy right now. I had a slight freakout in the gym this morning, swooshing away on the Arc trainer, "What am I doing here? I don’t have time to be here! There’s too much to do!", rah rah rah. Exercise is not having a soothing effect lately, it just seems to wind me tighter and tighter. So I am going to do more soothing stuff, like yoga and outdoor walks.
It’s interesting to really listen to your body and give in to its demands, instead of trying to bully it into doing what your brain wants it to do. Which has long been my problem. The body is saying, "Dude, be gentle with me" so I am trying to listen. And it’s also saying, "Don’t fill me full of chocolate, dammit. You think you want it but you dinnae need it, hen."
I am so freaking proud of myself for not using food as a coping mechanism. When I got off the train in London last week having just found out about the stinking Visa Situation, my brain was screaming "CHOCCCCOLATE! GIMME CHOOCCCOLATE!". But my sister was there and we got on another train to our Indulgent Spa Hotel. We shared a Berry Cheeky Nakd Bar and I talked about my worries instead of burying them in cocoa.
Remember when Rhi and I went to Lisbon last year? I gained 6.5 pounds due to my pre-holiday, holiday and post-holiday feasting. Last year I had resigned myself that this would always be the case on holiday, there was no way I’d miss out on yummy different foods. But now I see it doesn’t have to be that way. This time I was more choosy about what I ate, often sharing things with my sister so I’d get the idea of a dish without needing to eat the whole thing. I got the thrill of something new without the remorse.
I was pretty damn gobsmacked by how well I handled things, considering I was a total stressmonkey. And this week is going well too. Was gagging for a giant block of Green & Blacks for lunch yesterday but had a mega bowl of stir-fried vegies and tofu instead and it was strangely delicious. I’m not even trying to lose weight at the moment, I really don’t give a shit… I’m just trying to do enough good things to make me feel healthy and happy. But I can tell from mirrors and clothes that I’m holding steady. Exxxcellent.
It’s finally coming together, people, after all these years. I am learning the fine art of moderation. I am dealing with my problems instead of distracting myself with a good old binge. The urge is just not there anymore. I can tell you it really sucks to actually feel shitty feelings instead of masking them with chocolate, and I’m sure I’ve been a total whiny weepy biaaatch to live with. But life sometimes features raw edges and rough spots and crappy days and you just have to embrace it all. I’d much rather a little stress than return to the bad old days of sitting numbly on the couch with half a kilo of cooking chocolate.