Calorie Flabshaw

When I write on this site I spew it all out straight from the guts and come back later to turn it into proper English. Or sometimes I’ll just make Gareth read it and tell me where the mistakes are. I was saying to him the other night how I’ve been stuck in this musing, reflective mood lately and every time I write something it feels like an annoying internal dialogue, raising more questions than it answers.

"I feel like the fat blog version of Carrie Bradshaw when they did those voiceovers as she wrote her columns on Sex and the City. Except five million times more irritating."

"Except you would be called Calorie Bradshaw," said Gareth. "NO! Calorie FLABshaw. Hee hee!"

I shall try and write more about fat busting proper, but I am really bumbling along lately and feeling quite inept. Not falling in a heap but not making any real progress with fitness or feeling particularly ZINGY with health, you know? I’ve got masses of work to do and those recent trips got me off my trusty exercise schedule and the meals were a bit sloppy for awhile there.

Gareth and I went out on the bikes the other night, he did his 10 mile loop and I did my wee 7 miler. It was nice to be outside with the fresh air and humans. I’m happy to report that unlike last time we did not finish at the same time! I have improved! I had been sitting back in the house for a whole FIVE MINUTES before he arrived. Whoa, move over Lance Armstrong!

I really need to learn how to take my hands of the bloody handlebars though. I feel so much more relaxed on the bike – I don’t grip so hard, but I still can’t quite let go.  The air is choked with pollen and small bitey insects at the moment, and the wind was flinging them all straight into my face. But of course I was too chicken to lift my hand to swipe them away. So I just pedalled blindly, gasping and sneezing and swearing and jerking my head at random intervals. Arrgh.

And isn’t funny about women and men, and how like, they’re different and stuff?

Love and kisses,
Calorie Flabshaw.

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25 thoughts on “Calorie Flabshaw

  1. Ohhhh you know I HATE those bloggers who think that Carrie is still alive and kicking! NO-ONE wants to hear that late 90’s shit no more! So rest assured, if you were getting Carrie on us, I’d be the bitch to tell you to snap out of it.

  2. DAMN! Why didn’t I start the above with “I COULDN’T HELP BUT WONDER…”

    Anyway you are probably wondering how you will see my CHANNEL 7 TV DEBUT! Why, I’ll YOUTUBE it for you! 😛

    BUrnt your CDs today. Yes, more than one. About 12 hours of music! LOL!

  3. I don’t take my hands off the handlebars either. Sometimes a car will let me go across an intersection and I want to wave them “Thanks!” but the most I can do is smile widely.

  4. I actually am enjoying getting out and biking. I hate the stuff floating in the air though too!
    I have a mountain bike but put road tires on it to make it a little easier to peddle but my arse gets sore from the seat! I’m not wearing those biking shorts yet. yuck.

  5. Being a huge fan of SATC and Carrie the Calorie Flabshaw nearly made me pee my pants :)) I still find your posts very inspiring as usual, do not worry i bet plenty of people still think that too, and i guess we all sometimes get stuck along the way *whistling and looking up to thin air right now* Ah yes, biking in spring… Nice weather and all but just plenty of nasty flies and unidentified flying objects that are just magically attracted by your face or worse, your mouth!! I hate it, cause whenever i’m out biking i end up eating at least like 5 or 6 flying insects, but apparently they are a good source of protein lol Cheers xxx

  6. Hi DG. It’s taken me ages and ages to read through your archive but I finally made it. What a trip! Well done.

    Can’t believe I’m in real time! I’ve been thinking about biking as well as all the running and gymming. Not sure whether it’ll dilute the effort though and distract me from said running and gymming. Will try it and see. I’ve no idea whether I’ll be a hands on or hands off girl as it’s been aeons since I biked but am looking forward to finding out.

    Thanks for the nudge of inspiration to try something new.

    Lesley x

  7. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to take my hands off the handlebars…I’m scared enough with them firmly in my grip!

  8. Lolz at the nickname.

    You can take your hands off the handlebars? Freaky. Maybe you should try doing the hankie wrapped around the face thing like they do in Asian. Sure you’d get some weird looks but no bugs.

  9. You’ll get the hang of the hands-off-the-handlebars thingie. Eventually. Took me months before I could make a hand signal. Bloody dangerous, cars never knew which way I was going! Lucky I mostly stuck to the footpath…

    Oh, and keep your mouth shut. I swallowed a fly once – nasty, protein or not.

  10. Mwahaha nice one Kek. I haven’t ventured off the footpaths yet 🙂

    I also can’t reach out to ring the bell, so if I’m about to run over someone I’ll just have to scream, MOVE!!!

    And cheers Lesley! You’re very kind. And I’m sure you’ve burned about 10,000 calories from all that reading. Best of luck with all that running and gymming…

  11. Hey, just wanted to pop in to say I love reading your blog. Ramblings are fine, it’s still YOU rambling and you are fascinating to read. Best of luck getting to where you feel on your game again. Can’t wait to read more of you!

  12. Do they have those stupid ‘kissing gates’ there in Scotland? They were everywhere in the Nth of England. It’s a low gate designed so that bikes can ride through but animals can’t get out and usually it’s positioned over some sort of aminal-proof grate. The thing is, if you don’t get your pedals in the right place, one of them will collide with the gate. I did that twice. The second time I really came off the bike and was lying there hearing a sort of whirring sound which turned out to be the York University CCTV camera swivelling around to get a really good look at me…

  13. Hands off the handlebars: try doing it as a specific exercise rather than when you need to. Wait until you’re on a traffic free area and just take one hand off the handlebars for say, three seconds, and then try the other hand.

    Blog Writing: I remember reading one of your entries where you mentioned that you “wrote” your entries and I thought that I would NEVER get an entry finished if I had to correct the grammar first. I usually read over it and then publish and then correct again when I see some mistakes. I realize that you have a larger audience then I do, but on the other hand you might be taking away from some of the sponteneity if you slave over it too much.

  14. a very poignant post! i fully fell off my bike last night! ouchy elbow and ouchy knee but i just got back on! But i am with you on the handle bar thing! sooooooooo hard!

  15. After reading your post, I had a Calorie Flabshaw mo’ this morning! Off for a jog, pulling my ipod out of my computer, i wondered, “is it ever really ok to disconnect”?

  16. Sans bell, the correct protocol is to yell out “on your left!” (or right, whichever side you’re passing on). Of course, this usually startles the poor pedestrian and they turn and veer into your path anyway…

    Now, I’m sure you have a collection of these already, but I just gave you a Thinking Blogger award. So in the event that you DON’T already have one,come visit my blog for the details. Cheers!

  17. The image of you choking on bugs and pollen while riding 100km per hour made me giggle….but just a little 😉 ride on!!

  18. “…and it gets me to thinking sometimes… what if we all did these annoying voiceovers outloud whilst we were typing… how noisy the world would be”

    I hope you have a nice Stackhat. Like the big, bright egg-yolk yellow one I used to have.

  19. You should get glasses to keep the bugs out of your eyes. I have these cool ones that you can change the lenses out depending on the time of day and amount of sunlight/clouds. I wear the yellow ones mostly (biking)…they are like safety goggles but umm…not.

    link to smithoptics.com

    This isn’t an advert, I get nothing from it…I just found theses interchangeable lenses a great thing (one pair of frames for all kinds of situations!)

  20. Hi there,

    I am new here just wanted to say hi! and start my journey here. Well I have a fitness blog whenever you get time please stop by and let me know what you think about it…thank you..