I regretted that stupid Shoe post the minute I posted it, thinking everyone would think I was a horrible angry, violent person who assaults her husband and has no sympathy for the retail workers of the world. It seemed like one hundred torturous years before anyone posted a comment. I said to Gareth, "Do you hear that silence? They all think I’m horrible". Gareth said, "Maybe they’re still ASLEEP!"
There are so many frontiers on which I no longer give a shit what people think of me. Like this morning at the gym I was clearly the tallest and blobbiest in the room. In the old days I would have run for the door. But now I didn’t care if they thought I was fat, I just hoped they thought I was strong. All my weights were four times heavier than theirs so… rah!
But when it comes to expressing emotions, sometimes I still worry. In particular, anger. Maybe it’s because in the old days I always played the UN Peacekeeper, running around trying to keep people happy and calm, striving to diffuse conflict before it happened. I had opinions but I kept them to myself. This started long before I got fat, but it’s why I began this blog in the first place, so I could have a faceless place to vent and get upset about my weight without having to bother Real Life people.
It’s been 6.5 years now, and this blog is no longer anonymous and you’re not strangers. You’re friends, family and treasured acquaintances. So I guess there’s still a tiny, insecure part of me that worries I am one blog entry away from alienating you all with my Crazy Emotions, eg. my Footwear Freak-out. Honest guv, it was a wee tap on his arm! I’m a pacifist!
When Crankybee and Beck commented that they’d have got angry too, I felt a bit better. I briefly wondered if I was becoming too British and polite? But I just know if I’d gone postal at the shoe shop, I’d have bad shoe karma for the rest of my life. They’d keep my picture behind the counter and hide all the size 8’s every time I walked in.
So after nearly 30 years of swallowing my anger I guess I have to figure out how things are going to be. I want to speak up for myself and not be a spineless gimp. I also know that you can’t please everyone. I have a brain and I am entitled to an opinion, but it still scares me. What if after all this time there was an obnoxious jerk hiding under my fat?
But just like it’s not healthy to bury anger in chocolate, it’s probably not the best idea to punch your husband.
Anyway, here are my 5 Bloggers Wot Make Me Think. And quite often cry!
This Thinking Bloggers meme has been going around for awhile so if any of my listed legendary bloggers would like to pass on the baton, you can read all about it here. Thanks again, Ellen and Keksterooni! 🙂