I See Red

Ellen and Kek both kindly nominated me for a Thinking Blogger Award which was lovely and surprising, as I haven’t been feeling particularly thoughtful lately!

I regretted that stupid Shoe post the minute I posted it, thinking everyone would think I was a horrible angry, violent person who assaults her husband and has no sympathy for the retail workers of the world. It seemed like one hundred torturous years before anyone posted a comment. I said to Gareth, "Do you hear that silence? They all think I’m horrible". Gareth said, "Maybe they’re still ASLEEP!"

There are so many frontiers on which I no longer give a shit what people think of me. Like this morning at the gym I was clearly the tallest and blobbiest in the room. In the old days I would have run for the door. But now I didn’t care if they thought I was fat, I just hoped they thought I was strong. All my weights were four times heavier than theirs so… rah!

But when it comes to expressing emotions, sometimes I still worry. In particular, anger. Maybe it’s because in the old days I always played the UN Peacekeeper, running around trying to keep people happy and calm, striving to diffuse conflict before it happened. I had opinions but I kept them to myself. This started long before I got fat, but it’s why I began this blog in the first place, so I could have a faceless place to vent and get upset about my weight without having to bother Real Life people.

It’s been 6.5 years now, and this blog is no longer anonymous and you’re not strangers. You’re friends, family and treasured acquaintances. So I guess there’s still a tiny, insecure part of me that worries I am one blog entry away from alienating you all with my Crazy Emotions, eg. my Footwear Freak-out. Honest guv, it was a wee tap on his arm! I’m a pacifist!

When Crankybee and Beck commented that they’d have got angry too, I felt a bit better. I briefly wondered if I was becoming too British and polite? But I just know if I’d gone postal at the shoe shop, I’d have bad shoe karma for the rest of my life. They’d keep my picture behind the counter and hide all the size 8’s every time I walked in.

So after nearly 30 years of swallowing my anger I guess I have to figure out how things are going to be. I want to speak up for myself and not be a spineless gimp. I also know that you can’t please everyone. I have a brain and I am entitled to an opinion, but it still scares me. What if after all this time there was an obnoxious jerk hiding under my fat?

But just like it’s not healthy to bury anger in chocolate, it’s probably not the best idea to punch your husband.

Anyway, here are my 5 Bloggers Wot Make Me Think. And quite often cry!

1. I Am That Girl Now
2. Fatslayer
3. Body of Work
4. Susan Wagner (I love the Figure Matters stuff)
5. When I Grow Up

This Thinking Bloggers meme has been going around for awhile so if any of my listed legendary bloggers would like to pass on the baton, you can read all about it here. Thanks again, Ellen and Keksterooni! 🙂

Thinkingblogger

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34 thoughts on “I See Red

  1. Great post – anger is a very destructive emotion I have found. I am trying to use buddhism (oh christ alive here he goes….)to control my anger and frustration.

    I am also losing weight for the first time in many years and attribute much of this to looking inside myself (not literally you understand, I do not have access to an MRI in the garage…)and finding motivation from there.

    I find blogs such as yours a great inspiration to keep going and get the job done. Thanks.

  2. hey DG! I left a message (a bit late) with the same kind of shoe-type anger… It happened about five months ago but – just talking about it last night with hubby, drew up all the emotions again! No worries, we didn’t think you were a spaz 😛 Well… I don’t anyways!

  3. Don’t you hate those long blog silences? Sometimes I get those and think “I must immediately write a new entry so that one is no longer on the top of my page.”

    Anyway, I think your shoe anger was justified. Just because people work at a shoe store doesn’t meant they get the right walk over you. They should have opened their damn doors!

  4. I don’t think you were overeacting at all. I’ve been one of those lowly shop girls and with things like that it is just the fact that they can’t be arsed most the time and want to go home at 5 on the dot rather than close at 5. That would annoy me.

    And you’re right, puddings in the vending machine is cruelty tantamount to child slavery. It’s like they know I was in the US for a year and now can’t refuse a bowl of the yellow joy…

  5. hi DG, just posting to say that anyone who hasn’t felt that kind of frustration and anger is a saint. little things DO matter!! 🙂 -Wilma

  6. I thought your shoe post was a hoot, and totally identified with your reaction. It’s funny, being “late to the party” to a famous blog like yours, makes me feel like a comment from me won’t matter. But I check in here daily and I’ll start commenting because now I know you care! 😉

    I think your writing is fab and so admire your accomplishments of weight loss and maintenance. Thanks for the inspiration.

  7. Actually, I was thinking about your shoe post just this morning! I was going through the mental debate I have every morning between the 1st of May and the 1st of October (in the Southern US summer is at least 5 months). Do I wear (a) the cute sandals that are uncomfortable (b) the comfortable sandals that make my feet look like bricks or (c) cute and supportive closed toe shoes that will be so hot that I just want to stick my feet in a bowl of ice water?

    In case you’re curious, I went with (b). No matter how comfortable Birkenstocks are, they will never make your feet look cute and dainty.

  8. WTF? Okay, I’m never commenting again! Joking. Could you delete those extras? I swear, I just kept getting an error that the site wasn’t available. DOH.

  9. no worries laura! i dunno what’s up with the site today!

    and mbbored, i hear ya! if someone could combine style and walkability they would be verrrrrry rich 🙂

    PQ – yes!!! i do that all the time. silence is agonising 🙂

  10. I just didn’t see it yet. No home internet and limited chances to check blogs at work right now as my internet time is spent searching for a new job… Don’t be so sensitive! But I do understand. I obsessively check mine for comments too…

  11. it wasn’t so much about me being sensitive about comments, more about me being sensitive about expressing anger… if that makes sense!

    (hope the new digs are going well sandra! 🙂

  12. Shauna my dear girl!! How could you ever even possibly think that one tiny little rant would alienate us all??? I mean, there are people who make a living out of ranting…….Dennis Miller, for instance! Hey, anger happens, and it’s not that it happens but how one deals with it. A nice public rant, in my books, is MUCH healthier than swallowing your anger with liberal doses of ice cream and/or chocolate…….or, as in cases we read about every day in the newspaper……..buying a gun and murdering the objects of your anger.

    Besides, your rants are so very entertaining! I say, let’s hear more! It really does help to let off steam every now and then.

    Finally, no one deserves a Thinking Blogger Award more than you! You sure always make me think, and often I will see things in a different light because of something you have said. Also, you have this absolutely uncanny talent for putting something into words that many of us have probably been thinking for years but never expressed! You’re smart as a whip, reflective, and funny too, which in my books is an unbeatable combination.

    So, three cheers to you, and keep on ranting!

  13. I am the Queen of self-doubt when it comes to anger. For a very long time, I swallowed my anger. I didn’t feel like I was “allowed” to be angry, even when I should be. Girls are supposed to be nice. So now it tends to come out like a flood of rage sometimes, and I always feel so ashamed & guilty afterwards, which is silly.

    I have a job where I’m required to not “be nice” most of the time. I’ve made people cry. And I always feel like utter crap afterwards, even though it’s completely justified & appropriate.

    Anyway, been there & done that. Although it’s usually in convenience stores, rather than shoe stores.

  14. I didn’t answer your “mad” post because at the time I was mad for basically the same thing… I’m overworked because others at my job don’t have an old-fashioned work ethic like I do. Therefore, they are the “shopgirls” standing around and not going the extra mile to help out a fellow human… while I’m running a freaking marathon of extra favors and taking up the slack! I was just too darn tired to post an answer to you but I was right there with ya!

    I’m into my 5th day of 12-14 hours straight work… and I’m going to have to work on Saturday and Sunday too! Ugh.

  15. Anger is just another emotion that we have that, you know, we’re meant to feel now and then.

    Don’t be afraid to express your emotions, whatever they are. Especially when you go out of your way to get someplace on time and they’re closed.

    I thought your post was great. . . I just don’t comment very often. But I always read and I was right there with you.

    My dog is allergic to protein so we’ve been looking for alternate food for him… like food with a vegetable protein like soy. SO! I finally find a shop that sells it. I ring the shop to confirm it’s available. I leave early from work to get there before they close.

    And what do I find? ONLY large size dog food. And not just a little large, but MAXI LARGE for 25k dogs. I literally wanted to throw a two year old temper tantrum RIGHT THERE IN THE SHOP. I whinged all the way home in frustration.

    I feel your pain Shauny!

  16. Anger makes us feel scared becuase we associate it with guilt/punishment. BUT!!! Anger is just anger. No moral dimension. It’s what you do with it that counts – and no, I don’t think biffing Dr G is a bad thing, nor is wanting to kill the shop gilrs. What’s bad is using a genuine response to a vexing situation as an excuse to hurt/blame/criticise yourself!!
    I have recently taken to attempting to emulate Dr Who’s assistant Romana (just shows how old I am LOL) – icily, perfectly, courteously RUDE. Eg after an infuritaing exchnage with Telstra “I can’t actually say thanks for your help”.

  17. My latest and best way to vent anger and frustration is writing letters to politicians. I find most of the normal “politness” rules go out the window when writing to your local member of parliament. You don’t have to be careful and considered – in fact the more angry and indignant you are (I suspect) the better.

    I find it immensely satisfying to write a well crafted, but angry and sarcastic letter to my MP.

    But maybe that’s just me?

  18. Anger is such a powerful invigorating emotion, to me it just makes you that much more a real person rather than the internet identity 🙂 And I thought this is why we marry big strong men? To pound our little girly fists on when we have tantrums 😉 Have a lovely Day milady! Ps. I realised –a little late– that you weren’t on my blog access list while checking for Kimba. Im a little ashamed to admit I thought you were on all along *gulp* Have a great weekend!

  19. DG rants would not scare any of us off…. no need to worry! And don’t we all have these moments where we just need to argue about something that very much pisses us off?! If you can’t do it here on your own blog then where can you? (well i guess punching the Doctor might help too ;)) I get angry like 5 times a day and it’s just another emotion that we have that we need to deal with now and then, and to be honest i know no other rants that are as entertaining as yours dear.. xxx

  20. You know, occassionally I go overboard. Big mouth and all. I wonder how many people are gonna jump on my shit and say “You’re wrong!” or “I disagree!” or worse “You’re an idiot”….

    But then I thought…. this is my thoughts and my opinions and single moments don’t stamp out who I am.

    The only person you EVER have to answer to is you.

    Oh and your mum.

    and maybe Dr G.

    Seriously… when push comes to shove think of it this way – I know of a particular blogger who lost alot of readers simply because they sensed she wasn’t real because everything was always rosy and happy and they saw through that.

    You are you. You are writing FOR you. Warts n’ all. Sure, we have an audience, but you know as well as I do that the ones we adore support us in every situation.

    If they change the channel, we wont ever know will we?

    You are fabulous the way you are. Embrace the anger. LOL

    xox

  21. Oh, you are silly. Of course we all love you.

    You – and PastaQueen – have no-comment insecurity??? With your 168 comments every time? (or more or less). How about us lowly 8-12 comment people. Huh?

  22. beckie, I love you 🙂

    isabelle – nooo! i only get it when i’ve written something i regret 😛

  23. You’re not a crazy shoe lady.. you’re a normal (female) human being. And you have a wonderful male punching bag, and that’s totally normal too. We all still think you’re fabulous. Nothing like reading a fellow blogger talking about REAL things. Because I would’ve continued knocking on that door until the store clerks opened it…. and then complained to the company. 😉 See? Now who’s snarky?

  24. I loved the Crabbit post! I totally would’ve flipped too. And it’s comforting to know I’m not the only nutcase around 😀

  25. Getting confused here. I mean, you live in Scotland, yes? Land of Repressed Emotion ™ where the only time it is ok to cry without being slagged is during football, and the ONLY truly accepted emotion is anger.

    I was thoroughly enjoying your anger. Hooray, I thought, Shauna is doing the Scottish Rant ™ like she was born there.

    Also note that you did not rant to the people in the shop (ok, difficult, they are hiding from you) but were ranting ABOUT it: the best type of rant and fully sociable.

    Had you looked around you and done that old Scottish favourite, the walking up to complete strangers to rant, you would have no doubt had them joining in. A shop shutting ages before it is supposed to? You having taken time out to get in there in plenty of time? God, the mass angry rants might have gone on for ages. Wee auld wimmin would have happily joined in, wee auld men would have to have been physically restrained from hammering on doors.

    Oh yes, ‘how Scottish, but restrained – no getting the huddled masses onside to kick the door in’, is what I thought. I hope your rant involved much arm waving and ‘acting’ – all my best rants are like story-telling: the faces, the movements, the hyperbole, the improbable. Its like a proper ceilidh there on the street. Enjoy it.

  26. And I forgot to mention this in my first comment buttttt …

    I’ve lost 10kg since the first time I read your blog, and I just wanted to say thankyou! (As a fellow Aussie, you write so REAL, and am guilty of scouring your archives for a really long time, following your ups and down.)

    And hey! I’m packing up and heading to the UK in January. Excellent 😀

  27. ahhh, I too fear alienation, because of my insecurity and fears that my real life friends will find my blog and read all about it. Great Post.

  28. I have this horribly silly urge to say something along the lines of “You GO girl!” Women always seem to have suppressed rage issues, so being able to get good and angry and really let go once in a while is probably incredibly healthy. So, I repeat, you GO girl!

    Cheers.

  29. In response to comment #13, by Linda, I say, “I agree!! Let’s hear more!”
    Get it all out. We will be just fine over here. In fact, we will be chuckling on the inside, knowing full well that we went through the same thing last week! We will be thankful that we are not the only ones having trouble expressing our anger… and not feeling guilty about it. Stupid anger. Stupid guilt. Have a great day, Shauna.

  30. Gotta acknowledge the anger and then let it go. Definitely can’t be happy all the time. I know I’m not. I get pissed off and an old flatmate has even said that in the past, she’s literally seen red in my eyes! Yep, she really pissed me off one day, coked up to the eyeballs and she got it.

    And G’s probably right, we were probably still ASLEEP! LOL 😛

  31. My flatmate was coked up to the eyeballs, not me LOL, so she got it. I really need to look at the way I write…