That’ll Do, Pig

Why is snot?
Where does it start and why won’t it stop?

I’m sure that statement could be wrangled into a totally brilliant haiku or something, but I’m too snotty and miserable to bother. It’s been a week and that cold is still hanging around. From Friday to Tuesday I was proper, Couch and Toast ill. Now it’s just the annoying dregs that aren’t quite horrible enough to justify time off work. Today all the symptoms have rushed to my head. I’m deaf in one ear, it feels like something is about to explode. I’m also treating my colleagues to regular nose-blowing concertos. Next up: The Blue Danube. Da da da da daaaaaaaa – HONK HONK! HONK HONK!

It’s not just my body that’s hopeless right now; my brain is below par too. Please excuse this substandard excuse for a blog entry. I know there are a lot of new people swinging by here lately who are probably thinking, Who is this snotty moron and what fool gave her a book deal? I assure I do have my articulate moments. Please don’t run away! I’ll come good again soon.

An example of my braindeadedness: Mistress Anne of Elastic Waist invited me to partake in their brand new Naked segment, all about beauty and body image. On Wednesday night I spent five hours in front of the computer trying to answer those five little questions. With the way I was gurning at the screen you’d think I’d been asked to solve the third world debt or the Brittney Spears Conundrum.

It just SUCKS when you brain and body won’t do what they’re told. I think I’ve taken them both for granted lately, assuming they’ll always perform. I’m doing my best to be patient and rest, but I have to admit there’s a wee bit of panic there. How long is this going to take? I got miles to walk and emails to reply to. And still the answer seems to be: Settle, petal!

I got stuck on one Anne’s questions: When do you feel most beautiful? I don’t know if I ever feel beautiful. Maybe it’s an Australian thing, but I’d feel like a turkey even thinking that, as though a pack of high school bitches would jump out of my wardrobe and say, "You’re SO up yourself!" (oh how I miss Australian phrases like up yourself) then flush my head down the loo.

Babe But I spose I do feel sort of mildly pretty, inside and out. The best way I can describe what I feel when I look in the mirror is like the end of the movie Babe when James Cromwell pats the wee pig on the head and says, "That’ll do pig. That’ll do."

Not that I think I look like a PIG, mind you. It’s just that I feel a quiet peace with how I look. At this very moment, with red eyes and half the skin sandpapered off my Rudolph nose, I don’t feel particularly gorgeous. But for the most part, especially with lipstick involved, I just nod and smile and think, "Yep, we’re doing alright, no worries. Let’s go out into the world!"

UPDATE: Tis Sunday morning. I started this entry on Friday but got distracted. Today the snot has subsided but the deafness has morphed into the Excruciating Ear of Doom. Now it’s ringing like I’d been to ten consecutive Iron Maiden concerts. There’s also an oceanic whooshing sound. And PAIN like you would not believe. I called NHS 24, the government’s out of hours doctor service. The nurse told me to take painkillers and call the doc tomorrow. IF my eardrum hasn’t exploded all over the house before then

At least the nurse was nice. They should rename the service to NHS Virtual Mum, because when I described my symptoms she was all, Poor hen. Ooh I know. Ooh I know dear. An ear ache is never nice. Poor thing. Now THAT is what you really want when your real mother is on the other side of the planet. That is why I pay my taxes.

What concerns me more than the pain and deafness is that I went to a Curry and SingStar Night with my work pals on Friday evening. SingStar is that Playstation game that’s like fancy lounge room karaoke. Bolstered by about half an inch of wine, I really got carried away. I belted out I Should Be So Lucky, Hungry Like The Wolf, Parklife, Tutti Frutti, I Got You Babe, I Heard A Rumour and two Franz Ferdinand songs. The combination of half-deafness and that half inch of wine made me believe I sounded fantastic. But this morning I had a tentative warble in the bathroom and realised I sound like dog turds! My voice is pissweak enough in good health but right now it is a total drone. I can’t believe I subjected my colleagues to hours of that. There’s no way in hell I was hitting any of those notes. Especially in the particularly rousing sections of Total Eclipse of the Heart. At least if this earache does me in, I’ll never have to face them again.

Just in case I’m not back in a timely manner and you are looking for a means of passing the time, here is a nice interview I did with the Irish Examiner with only one swear word – click here.

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39 thoughts on “That’ll Do, Pig

  1. Your book arrived in the mail yesterday but I’ve been quietly reading here for some time now. I’m more than half way through the book and I swear – it’s like I’m reading my own autobiography. I’m part way there – I’ve lost 100lbs. But there’s still 100 to go. I already knew you made it, but I can’t believe how similar the process we’ve experienced is. Even the whole join WW, quit, learn to eat healthy/exercise on your own terms. Learn to live again. That’s me. Thanks for putting yourself out there.

  2. Shauna,

    I just want to say thanks for writing such an amazing book. I have read it over the last couple of days while home with The Worst Cold In The World – see blog for said symptoms! Like Leanne, it could have been written about me… even down to Southern Hemisphere Girl moves to UK! I’m a true Dietgirl fan… rock on!

  3. Hey thanks very very very much guys 🙂 That was music to my partially deaf ears. And huzzah for your own lard-busting efforts Leanne… and hope you are feeling better, Kerryn!

  4. Hiya Erin! The sinuses are okay now, it’s just this stupid ear! But I’ve heard so many good things about this Neti pots I might give em a go next time. Did it work for you!?

  5. Hey, Lady. I am SOOO filling your Ear of Doom and the feeling of being filled from cranium to chest full of snot. I was there last year. I very much hope you get better quickly and without being scolded by octogenarian doctors for using old antibiotics like I did.

    I think you ought to try to get in AT LEAST one swear word into every interview, and I’m thinking maybe just a full-on F bomb in the Elastic Waist article. They’re busy girls there–they’ll never notice.

  6. And I just realized I typed “filling” instead of “feeling”, backspaced to correct it and typed it “filling” again. Sometimes living amongst rednecks who pronounce things that way makes my internal monologue sound like Jeff Foxworthy and I end up typing what I hear inside my head. I do apologize.

  7. Gotta love the singstar. When we use it we turn the singers volume down so we can’t hear how crap we sound. 🙂

    Loved your book btw.

  8. Doesn’t matter how good you are at singing when everyone else is pissed too 😉

    I feel your pain re the snot – I don’t have snot but I have swollen painful glands and a throat that feels like I had a go at it with the electric sander. And breath so foul that my own daughter won’t come near me *sob*

  9. link to ctv.ca

    mmmm, you lost more weight than that hamburger! (Just thought I’d make you laugh a bit)

    It’s not too late to use that neti pot. Your earache is part of the sinus infection… i used to have bleedin’ ears all the time. But – I’d go to a clinic or something ’cause at this point you need antibiotics… (10 years of bleedin’ ears and such tells me so) I hope you don’t get to that point.

    What always made me feel better (other than layin’ my head down on my mom’s lap, which by the way, is still okay to do as an adult when you’re sick so get the mothership over for a quick visit to help you feel better!) is taking a warm cloth, laying your head over it… so – if it’s your left ear, take a pillow (throw a towel over it so it don’t get wet), get a warm (near hot) cloth and lay it down on the pillow and lay your ear over it. Do it for about 10 minutes or so and then DRY your ear off (’cause a wet ear is annoying). Don’t go inside the ear (with a q=tip or whatever) ’cause, if there is discharge, it’ll just shove it back in.

    Snot (hehe) is causing your ear to hurt… there is a little pathway from the snot factory (it’s there, honest, tell your workers to go on strike) towards your ear in the canal. By warming up the fluids it can help them drain (either back to your sinuses or back out your ear).

    Hope you feel better. Give it a try, do it once every hour or two….. i’ll email you my MSN in case you want any more (un)wanted ear advice, hehe…

  10. Poor lambie
    Get Well soon!
    Did you read the ‘peace with your body’ pledge published in Seventeen magazine? There’s a link on my blog – I think it shoud be part of the high school curriculum!
    BTW I LOVED your book. MI was sad when I finished it 🙁 My husband is reading it now!

  11. Ahaahahahah omfg I totally sprayed hot chocolate all over my monitor when reading your rendition of The Blue Danube – who needs an orchestra?! 😀

    Hope you feel better soon, chookie – I hate ear problems, I had them constantly when I was a kid, it got so bad that I had to be operated on 🙁

  12. O-o-okay, you’ve got the Great Cold of Death just north of me, K. has it just a mile or so east of me. Should I be making a run for it while I still can?

  13. I popped in here to comment on your book, but I really hope your ear is feeling better! I think ear pain is possibly one of the worst. It’s like a headache but makes you dizzy. Anyway, that was a digression. I’m only 46 pages in, but I’m loving the book and sense I’ll be sad when I’ve finished it. I’ve not been in the same situation as you, though I’ve dealt with various eating issues over the years, and I’m identifying a lot. Plus you make me giggle 😛

  14. Sorry you’re in pain. Hope it gets better soon. Wanted to say thanks again for commenting on my livejournal post; and I’m still working on a full-on fangirl email declaring your total top-bird-ness.

    I also wanted to let you know I picked up the latest Slimming and Health magazine and squealed when I saw the article on you. Good enough reason to be “…SO up yourself” I reckon!

    I’m still laughing about that line; takes me back to high school.

  15. Man, you make my never-ending headache sound like a ride on the teacups at DisneyWorld. Alas, I live in America and we don’t have a 24-hour hotline with mums, just a $20 copay at the office.

    I find it kind of weird that the article has a picture of the interviewer instead of you. People are going to think you’re a brunette.

  16. I had to come to meet you from Fifi, & various others who recommended you.
    Great writing.
    Sympathise with sounding like dog turds when singing…so do I! And that is without the cold.
    You are amazingly pretty & I must now kill to get your book!

  17. Aww, you poor thing…. I think the NHS should fly your real Mum over to nurse you. Now, THAT would be getting your taxpayer dollars worth. :o)

    By the way, you’re much prettier than Babe. *ducks*

  18. PQ – there were two huge pictures of me, but I couldn’t fit the whole newspaper on the scanner, hehe 🙂

    Thanks for the sympathy and helpful hints folks! I’m off to the doctor this arvo, woohoo!

  19. Heck, you’ve had a better experience with the NHS phone line than we’ve had. Hope you’re completely better soon.

  20. Oh darl’ that sounds pretty nasty, take care! Hope it goes away very very soon. Can’t express how much i loved your book, reliving that same child hood anxiety had me choking and gasping for air on a few occasions, it felt like a therapy session all over again. You wonderful gal you. Now Im going to read it all over again with M 🙂

  21. Even though you are on the other side of the world – so to speak – what you have is every where here too. People have been commenting on having a headache for a week or more – and the snot – and the ears – and terrible sore throats. I don’t know if it is the weather, the barometer (sp?) or something catchable – but it is every where. I hope this week goes better.

  22. Have you used the playback feature on singstar? If not, don’t! It does some weird, distorty thing to your voice that makes it sound really out of tune.

    Do you have a tiara? If so put it on and wear it (and if not, why the hell not?) I swear it makes you feel at least 75% more beautiful 😀

  23. Oh, SingStar. So much fun, so many regrets afterwards. (There is a photo on Facebook – which I did not upload – of me SingStarring. Not a pretty sight.)

    I have had the sinus thing, but it’s a lot better now – hope you are too?

  24. Loved the Examiner interview: “…a flattering wrap dress and KNEE HIGH LEATHER BOOTS.”

    I think the boots have to be included in the ‘when I feel pretty’ question.

    Get better soon, snotty!

  25. Oh my God, that’s the cold I got! Seriously, I don’t know what’s going on with this year, but whatever brand of cold is going around is more evil than the usual type. I’m thinking that since it’s been three weeks since I got sick, I need to call the doctor regarding the sinuses; they’re still stuffed and hurty, they’re still draining, and one ear is still off. Doesn’t hurt exactly, but it’s got a bit of pressure to it that worries me.

    Also, I’ve been pondering the word “beautiful” ever since I heard an interview with a guy who briefly went COMPLETELY without testosterone, and was completely passionless, needless, and calm about everything– and when he looked at things on the street, all he got in his head was a flat, factual description in his head: “That is a car. That is beautiful” or “That is a tree. That is beautiful” down to “That is dog poo. That is beautiful.” He wasn’t belittling the term in any way; when he thought back on it, it was as if he was being Godlike in his quiet, factual, all-encompassing declaration of beauty. It was all good. I think you may not be as far off on your description of feeling beautiful as you think.

  26. Oh my, first, the very mention of Iron Maiden, and then you take me back with the mention of Lucky In Love! I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, I should be so lucky in love…

    Haha! Thanks for the smiles today and hope you’re feeling tops soon, ‘Hen’.

  27. OMG you make me laugh – a) because that is the same question I ask Jason every time I get sick, much to his disgust, and b) that is ME on Singstar. For real!

  28. Peter Gabriel’s song for Babe: A Pig in the City was our wedding song. I think I found a kindred spirit!

    Also, I ordered your book from Amazon UK and think it’s a great read.

  29. Hey there, I am a newbie reading for the first time. Loving your blog. Phenomenal. Even despite the sickness!! I can definitely relate to what I have read so far.
    Keep writing, and feel better!!
    Saz

  30. Hi Shauna… just so you know, it’s YOUR fault I didn’t get to sleep until 3am one night and 5am the next. Your book is brilliant!
    I love being able to shout at the author – he he.

  31. Well I’ve just finished reading your entire blog over 4 days & I must say I thoroughly enjoyed it. Now I better actually go do some work as my boss is starting to notice haha! Congrats on your fabby journey & book. Hopefully my own Wedding Dress Mission will turn out as good as yours!

  32. Hi again! First, I am feeling your snot filled pain, you poor thing! Bloody colds, what is the point of them?? Hoping you are back on top form again very very soon! (And blog is still as brill as ever, so dont worry!)

    Your book is so great Shauna. I know you have heard this about a gazillion times before, but a lot of it is about me. The misery, the lack of control, the letting food and/or diet take over every waking moment. I have been in tears yet again this week, dreading my future in this life condemned to the eternal darkness of dietdom. 🙁 Then I pick up the book, or the blog and a pinkish hue begins to creep back over the horizon.

    So, be “up yourself” all you want young lady, you have done so much and come so far and now you are helping me too!!!!

    Thanks!!

    xx

  33. Kathryn, the tiara idea is rockin. I think I might wear one to work!

    Cheers all you lovely bookreading people! You have no idea how excitin’ it is to read your comments. THANK YOU!

    Sez, I tried to email you but it came back undeliverable. But thanks for your comments 🙂

  34. Hi Shauna got your book last Fri in the post and finished it on Sat! I just wanted to say thanks so much, its been a real inspiration. I am hoping to get my 50lbs tomorrow at WI, but have over another 50 to go (hopefully a lot of those before my wedding in Sep!). It can be scary to have done well but still have so far to go, but you make me realise it can be done. Anyway thanks again and hope you are feeling a bit better, Lou x

  35. Nice article. Hope you are feeling all better now.

    And I just love the movie Babe. “That’ll do Pig” is actually a very poignant statement about feeling good about yourself, esp. when you accomplish the seemingly impossible. I like your analogy a lot.

  36. Loved the news article, and I especially loved your comment on ‘up yourself’. My brother used to accuse me of being that a LOT when we were growing up. It’s not only wonderful reading about you because of your wonderful weight loss achievement but it also brings back many memories of home (Australia).

    Do you get to see your mum much. Mine stayed in Australia when I moved to the UK. I had a holiday there in 1997 to see her, but couldn’t afford the trip again. She passed away last year and I hate that I couldn’t see her more than I did. I hope you visit your mum as often as you can.

  37. Im striving for something amazing to say (and it would be about 5 hours for me as well right now…that kind of morning) but I got NOTHIN’

    your writing? amazing.

    M.