Feats of Strength and Stupidity

Shera_2 I’ve been feeling kinda strong and feisty lately with all my kickboxing and weight training, and last night I gave Gareth a stunning demonstration. He was checking the kitchen floor for loose tiles and asked if I could help him move the washing machine. Two minute job, nae bother.

Separate laundries, a.k.a. utility rooms, are not common on the tiny isles of Britain. At least not in our sector of the housing market. So the washing machine is usually in the kitchen, wedged under the counter.

Ours machine is clunky and heavy so shifting it is a two man job. But I wanted to prove my brute strength and usefulness so I started dragging it out myself.

"Whoa!" said Dr G, "Nice one, She-Ra!"

I beamed.

"Can you just move it a little bit more to the right?"

I tugged with a Monica Seles urrrghhhh. There was a CRACK. Then a whoooosh. Then Gareth was almost knocked off his feet by the mighty jet of water that shot straight into his belly.

"You broke the hose! Turnitoff turnitoff turnitoff!"

"What? How? Where!?" I helpfully threw my hands in the air.

The severed hose writhed and the water spewed, rapidly flooding our stupid little kitchen. Gareth fought his way to the cupboard under the sink. Washing powder, garbage bags, shoe polish and sponges plopped into the water as he dug around for the switch.

Finally there was silence.

"I’ll get a towel," I said.

"This has done nothing to improve your reputation for having No Practical Skills."

"This wouldn’t have happened if we lived in a civilised country where laundries are not just for a privileged few!"

So apparently the hose is attached to the washing machine with a screwy-in-thingy and the screwy-in-thingy snapped right in half. Hopefully I can track down a new hose soon as it would be nice to wash the 27 towels it took to soak up the chaos.

"What were you trying to do there?" Gareth was laughing, despite being soaked to the bone, "You’re always so violent. No more kickboxing for you!"

It seems funny now but last night it felt like the straw that soaked the camel’s back. I  wanted to throw myself into the puddle and thrash like a toddler. This Fixing Up The Flat bollocks is getting old. Why does Two Minute Job task turn into an ordeal? Why can’t we just live in a dorm with a futon and a cardboard box?

I think Dr G has had enough too, going by his expression when he sat down on the couch last night and stretched his feet out under the coffee table, only to smash his toes against the microwave I’d neatly stowed there. Mess! Destruction! Trip hazards! Floods! Enough!

And what the hell does this have to do with weight loss, you may ask. Well. Perhaps we could fashion yet another weight loss analogy. Weight loss is like moving a washing machine because… people will tell you that it’ll be be quick and easy and painless but the reality can be very very messy and make you very very cranky.

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28 thoughts on “Feats of Strength and Stupidity

  1. I think I can identify. Last night I was rooting around in the refrigerator looking for a bag of spinach and the *door fell off* of the *refrigerator*. I don’t think I have to point out the symbolism there.
    Fortunately we were able to shove it back on temporarily, but I had the same feeling. Why does everything have to be a freaking struggle all the time? Why can’t the damned door just stay on the refrigerator?

  2. Hilarious- I love the analogy! Speaking of rennovating and movies things around…I moved around my bedroom last night…and for some reason this morning- I’m in a better mood and the pants/belt that I put on felt great! Maybe I should rennovate the living room every Sunday night- in hopes of having a great Monday morning….if that’s possible!

  3. We have a fridge/freezer which has a wonky drawer. Every time we open the door, the drawer front falls off and all the food ends up on the floor – every time – for over a year now – why don’t we just glue the damn thing on?

  4. I am laughing so hard right now. I read “there was a CRACK” and sort of assumed it was your back going out and then when you said there was a “whoosh”…well, I didn’t know what to think. Or rather, you don’t want to know what I thought. Thank goodness it was the water hose and not your, er, “personal plumbing” gone wrong!!

  5. That’s a biiiiit of a stretch for the analogy! But nice tie-in. Every Home Maintenance chore is like that – the TV people do it in 10 seconds smiling the whole time, but in real life it takes two afternoons and minimum three trips to the hardware store.

  6. I know Marla baby. I just don’t want to alienate those interested in weight loss and not interested in my feats of strength. Basically all my weight loss analogies boil down to:

    “Sometimes X is easy and sometimes X sucks. And so it goes with weight loss.”

    😛

    Loth – Ha ha ha! Actually Dr G DID look like his personal plumbing had malfunctioned thanks to the angle the water hit him.

    Jbo and Moira – You poor things, I’d buy you new fridges if I could 🙂

    GirlOnAMission – that’s great! it is a rather satisfying thing to do. i reckon if you painted our living room you’d feel great for YEARS… fancy it? 😉

  7. My dad always used to say “Why can’t things ever be easy” when stuff like that would happen, and I’d think to myself “because they never are.”

    I’ve gotten my self in a state of mind where I expect the two minute job to take all day, and I’m pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t happen.

  8. Great analogy! I have been known to knock pictures of the walls and candleholders off tables in my rigorous vacuuming. Cleaning and organizing is clearly a very dangerous job!

  9. Oh God! That reminds me of the time the laundry detergent bottle committed suicide.
    It took a mighty leap from the top of Dryer Cliff. By the time I came upon the scene, it had bled itself out. An entire 2.3 gallons or 8.5 litres of bottle blood all over the laundry and our neighbours umpteen pairs of shoes. (Being Korean they left their shoes outside.) And this was a seperate laundry, but the front door of two other apartments led off from it, and they weren’t home and it was very late at night and their shoes were covered in detergent and that was s’posed to have been the easy last load of the night. And… AARRGGH!

    I breathed a sigh of relief when reading it was your washing machine hose. I was afraid it was a body part that went crack!

  10. That made chuckle so much! You could do a fitness dvd based on various DIY tasks and appliance/furniture movement. I’m sure a woman in America made a small fortune doing a household chore dvd (exaggerated lunges whilst hoovering etc). You could introduce washing machine relocation at the next Highland Games!!

  11. Ah Shauna, you poor lamb…you’re a hot mess, but that’s why we love ya. I love hearing about you’re feats of anything whether or not it involves losing weight!

    When you become a rich and famous author you can just move into a posh flat and hire a handyman, but then I think you’d be terribly bored.

    Personally, I don’t know anything that’s quick and easy worth having in life.

    xo,
    -Bex

  12. aaah Shauna .. what a crack up !! you tell stories so well .. how funny !! I loved how Gareth said .. “No more kickboxing for you!”

  13. This is hilarious Shauna. I just couldn’t help it, but laughed out loud at work… Oops (I’m sure work can sometimes be funny ;P)

    I know it wasn’t funny for you guys and hope you got it all sorted out…, but its great to show your strength…

  14. Totally pumped for Festivus, Andrew 🙂

    LBTEPA – No! But it’s hooked up to the cold water supply so when I ripped the hose out it just started gushing everywhere!

    Bon weekend, groovers…

  15. I totally get where you’re coming from on the washing machine storage issue. When we finally escaped one-bedroom-dom into a house, the utility room was a cause of even more joy than the garden!

  16. This made me laugh out loud Shauna!! Such a mental image! Enjoy your long weekend!

    Jx

  17. Know what you mean about getting sick of renovations. We started our kitchen 4 weeks ago. I have my fridge and washing machine in the dining room (which has no floor or door frames)the kitchen walls are down to bare brick and I have been using a bucket for a sink for the last fortnight. All this to replace a boiler ????? The husbands got a bit carried away methinks.
    I agree with you about having the washing machine in the kitchen tho, it feels kinda wierd doesnt it?
    Anyway, think of all the exercise you did mopping up, thats gotta count for something surely.

  18. LOL, as someone who also has NO PRACTICAL SKILLS I can relate to this completely :).

    I was recently tagged at my journal to do a meme and your book is featured in one of the photos. Since the meme ends with having to tag 5 other bloggers I also tagged you. Hope you don’t mind! I’ll understand if you aren’t interested in doing it, but I’d love to read your answers.

    Keep up the great writing. It always brightens my day to visit here!

  19. Tee hee the image of the water jet shooting out is a brilliant one.

    I completely understand your predicament as it is something that I’d do as well – e.g. ‘oh this door won’t shut eh? I bet it will if I kick it repeatedly…’

  20. I love how you turn the most disasterous of situations into a sitcom. You are too funny.

    Thanks so much for the comments on my blog re: the mini marathon! I was thrilled to see your posts of encouragement.

    Hope you had a lovely weekend.

  21. I can sympathise as I too have zero practical skills. I recently tried to fix my squeaky treadmill and sprayed the silicon (lubricant) spray in the wrong place which subsequently caused the motor to blow up. Talk about an expensive mishap! Hope your washing machine is back up and running as hand washing really sucks!!!

  22. I think everything to be said about the washing machine has already been said, but I had to say:

    YAY SHE-RA! (and swiftwind!).