Dear Makers of Twix,
I consider myself to be a smart consumer and not one to be sucked into your marketing japes but today you got me good.
It was 11AM and I was twitching with the need for chocolate. I went downstairs to the vending machine in search of a small hit.
The Twix was singing to me – one because it’s on my Totally Worth It list and two because the number on the label caught my eye – 142 calories. BARGAIN!
"Dudes! Did you know a Twix only has 142 calories?" I announced to my colleagues moments later through a spray of biscuity crumbs. "Rather economical for two fingers of chococaramel joy! Who woulda thought?"
NB: We’re not saddo office cliches who sit around obsessing about diets and thighs and whatnot, but at least seventeen times a week you will hear the phrase, You know, I am totally gagging for a chocolate. So the news of the reasonable-caloried Twix was well received!
Later on I was filling in my online food journal thingo and looked up Twix and it said 284 calories. What the hell? Then I realised it was 142 calories per 28 grams… that is, 142 calories PER BLOODY FINGER.
I can’t believe I fell for the oldest trick in the food packaging book: the Per Serve Nutritional Information. I’m known as the grizzled diet veteran with the nerdy blog but now I’ve made a dick of myself crowing to the comrades, EAT UP KIDS! Get your chocolate hit here!
I bet you have hidden cameras installed in the venue machine and you watch us from your sugar-scented headquarters, lipreading our delight, Wow only 142 calories! Then you pump your corporate fists and cackle as another sucker shoves in their 50p.
It’s not that I give a rats how many calories are in your Twix; it was a tasty diversion. I’m boycotting your product purely because you reeled me in with your shiny wrapper and made me feel compelled to prattle on about it like a tit.
The boycott is going to last at least two days. So there!
Dimwit of Dunfermline