Half Man, Half Beast

Crazyg I felt a strange and pathetic sense of mourning the other day. I was feeling stressed about things so went pacing the aisles at Marks & Spencer, looking for the Perfect Thing to eat. I know I've written about this desperate feeling before. Picking up cheeses and cakes and putting them down again; flipping through the chocolate bars like old vinyl.

I ended up stomping home empty-handed and annoyed, realising there was nothing there that would actually make me feel good or change anything. I think this is what I was trying to get at with that Zombie Eating entry about the hot fudge sundae. Sometimes I miss that feeling of oblivion and escape and just not giving a shit about anything in the world as I stuffed down too much food. It's like a crappy old boyfriend that you once couldn't quit, then you finally sever the ties… then years later you see him down the street and realise the old magic is gone. You know it's for the best but you still feel a little sad that you don't have that source of thrills anymore.

Anyone else feel like that sometimes? Put me out of my misery here!

. . .

I can't remember on which blog I read a great entry about the perils of spending more time blogging about being healthy than actually doing the healthy stuff. Like sitting on the couch writing about exercise while mice nibble at your dumbells. Was that your blog? Sorry for my scatty brain!

Either way, you got me thinking that I needed less talk and more action, hence I've been a bit quiet. More soup making and further attempts to restore my fitness to pre-New York levels. Meanwhile I've written a couple of new entries on my non-fat blog about the Halloween weekend. Woohoo!

Happy Voting Day, America! The world writhes in anticipation.

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28 thoughts on “Half Man, Half Beast

  1. I feel like that today, for no good reason that I can figure! I have gone through the fridge and pantry with a fine-toothed comb and found nothing that would make me feel better. Argh.

    Can’t wait to vote. Less than 12 hours until I head to the polls…

  2. “I ended up stomping home empty-handed and annoyed, realising there was nothing there that would actually make me feel good or change anything. . . .” God do I know that feeling! It’s quite distressing because then I don’t know what to do with all my negative energy.

  3. Oh I don’t know. Sometimes a bag of Cheetos or a scooter pie can still make me feel better. 🙂

    I may have lost a few pounds in my time, but the pull of brownies, cheesecake, and everything decadent can pull me in
    still. Alas, my freezer only has skinny cows. Yum.

  4. Hi there.

    I identify with the food=escape theory. I soo used to do that and probably will again (but hopefully not to the extreme I did before). Yesterday I really tasted my coffee for the 1st time in a-g-e-s…to me that was a pleasurable ‘escape’ or break:)

    It’s tough being a grown-up , losing weight, and actually dealing with stuff, isn’t it. But I think the healthier we are in mind the more things come to the surface. It’s our bodies’ way of saying your mind is ready for this now.

    I used to have a punching bag. It was really good to release tension on it.

    However, if you’re mourning maybe you need to do something nice for yourself like cuddle up with Mr. G? I cuddle up with B all the time and it helps.

    TK

  5. I’ve felt that emptiness too. In fact i’ve got a minor bout of it now. Maybe it’s something to do with the clocks going back , but I can’t drum up the motivation to do anything. The intention is there, go to the gym after work, but when the sun goes down before I’ve even left work, I just want to get home. On ocassion (?) I have eaten to try and make me feel better, but knowing the calories in things means I get the guilt rather than the thrill. It’s liking quitting smoking, you miss it, at times you want to go back, but you know that you never can.

  6. I went to a talk about this just last week! She described this restlessness, which sees us with our heads stuck in the fridge, just 20 minutes after we’ve eaten, or as soon as we’re a bit down looking for sweet and/or high fat foods. Her suggestion: work through the feelings, be aware of how the feelings affect you pysically, and try to resolve them, rather than resorting to food which often leaves you feeling guilty. She also recommended keeping a “feelings” journal. Somewhere along the line we’ve come to associate food with comfort, she explained. But it’s the comfort we need, not the calories.
    Sounds easy to fix, right?
    Hmmmm. Ongoing struggle here.

  7. Heh. That was probably me or Erin or Debbi; I know we’ve all posted about that syndrome of thinking about it more than actually doing it.

    I know I read somewhere that the restless/looking for some sensation thing is best cured by orgasm. Seriously, I read that somewhere.

  8. I’ve just started a weight loss blog, and I love the feeling of community you get with it, but I totally know what you mean about writing more than doing. Sometimes just the thought of what I’m going to write makes up for actually doing anything!

  9. Anyone else feel like that sometimes?

    I think the forty million weight loss blogs on the planet reply with a resounding YES.

    It’s probably human nature for each individual to think he or she is unique and the experiences and emotions felt are our own.

    Fortunately, if blogging has done nothing else for the species, it’s to underscore the fact that, yep, we pretty much are all exactly the same.

    🙂

  10. We’re writhing in anticipation too. Maybe after today I’ll finally stop burping up the stomach acid that’s been plaguing me for the last month.

  11. Thanks for the happy voting wishes! It’s a pretty exciting day, and here in Washington DC the anticipation is just immense! (probably at least partly because most people in the city’s jobs are directly affected by the outcome!)

    I waited in line for two hours this morning and was plied every few minutes with leftover Halloween candy and homemade cookies by Obama campaigners. I managed to resist those but did go for the coffee they handed out!

    While I was waiting in line I actually thought how interesting it is that the world really is waiting to see what happens. There were lots of camera crews filming our polling place, including a British one and one with a reporter who was definitely speaking some Eastern European language.

  12. Thank you for putting this in words. I know that desperation you’re talking about. I miss the days when Ben and Jerry could make the world go away. I’ve never found a suitable replacement crutch. I can’t go back to food the way I used to, and I’m too poor to become an alcoholic or shopping addict.

  13. Yep, been there. Have so lost the power to comfort myself with food, and yes, I do miss it sometimes.

    But this is reality, finding other ways to deal with the blues, sometimes having to deal with uncomfortable truths and emotions.

    And as a result being a better person, living a better life.

  14. Thanks for the Happy Election Day wishes! Lines were too long when I tried to vote first thing this morning, so I shall sneak away soon to vote at a non-crowded (please!) time instead.

  15. Yeah, whenever I eat something bad to feel good, I have no thrills anymore, just a bit of self-hatred. Same goes for spending money, drinking alki, etc. I suppose the thrill was that of “getting away” with something, when in essence, you only find the evidence on your body/ checking account later.

    Who’s the bastard that thought up this brilliant human behavior?

    Now, I feel like I can’t find a thrill anywhere! So, yeah, I guess I have felt like that before. I try to tell myself that this is all part of becoming an adult. At 30. Blech.

  16. Yeah, I totally relate to it. I look and search for that perfect thing to eat and it doesn’t even exist…. strangely I have also discovered that a hard exercise session can give me that buzz that I used to seek from sugar. What’s happening to me???

  17. Oh yes, DG, those feelings are far too familiar. You are NOT alone! Take heart, lovely friend. Be it trawling the shopping aisles or just looking in the fridge for an answer, sometimes those pesky feelings just won’t go away. And I know JUST what you mean about wanting the oblivion and escape route.

    There is a cognitive behaviour tool called a thought record. Sometimes it’s a good alternative when you know food isn’t the answer but you don’t know what is, if that makes sense. I’ll send it to you. If only I practised it myself!!!

    Anyway, sending you a big hug and remember, like a craving, this too will pass!

    Big fat kiss.

    Mrs Lxxxx

    PS greetings to all the US voters. Yes, the world really is watching. xxxxx

  18. Right, I’m beginning to think there’s something to this Mystical Redheaded Connection because I was dealing with just about the only thing that could harsh on my election buzz. . .and there were some lovely words for me to relate to that made me feel better than all that wine (oops) ever could.

    I’ll work on getting rid of that worthless git then, and chock the wine up to celebratory libations, eh?

  19. Oh yea, I definately have days like that! You just want to chuck all that you have worked for out the window and let go with forbidden foods. But you’ve got to the stage where the voice that used to say ‘go on, you might as well, you’re already fat’ has changed to a voice that says ‘don’t be silly, you’ll regret it, you’ve been working so hard’ and therefore all you’re left with is your frustration, stress, etc. So no worries DG you’re are sooo not alone lol. Love your blog by the way!!

    Kimmie

  20. Sometimes I get annoyed because I want to eat something that I don’t actually want to eat. Like I’ll go to the movies, see people eating popcorn, and I like the IDEA of eating popcorn at the movies. But I don’t actually enjoy it anymore. So then I get cranky because I’m not eating popcorn which I don’t even want, but I think that I should be wanting. It’s all very frustrating sometimes!

  21. I caught myself in a pattern of Monkey See, Monkey Do eating. I think I was jealous of the way my boyfriend will come home from work and start shoving things into his mouth from the cabinet and fridge – mostly snacks.

    I started to actually eat less during the day so I could do this at night with the proper “abandon” – which I couldn’t actually muster. Now I can’t believe I wanted to eat that way because it pretty much sucked.

    I decided to plan healthy, filling meals (for myself – he doesn’t like my cooking so he’s on his own!) and we shall see if I can keep my face out of the cabinets while he’s cramming away the snacks. Hmmm, I guess trying to find meals we can enjoy together would be an even better solution…damn his love of cheese and butter!

  22. Happy belated birthday!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    I went to my first kickboxing class tonight – my hands are stained red from the sweaty borrowed gym gloves and my arms are like jelly! I hope it gets easier? 😉

  23. I too have such moments, I call it ‘mindless eating’. It usually happens at times of stress or weird hormonal fluctuations. I try not to have any danger foods in the house, but this has backfired too as in a recent moment of desperation I turned to eating a big spoonful of brown sugar to get a sugar fix! Very sad indeed. PS Happy birthday dude!

  24. What I wonder is, will it ever get easier? I’m in a major funk right now, and am going to food to soothe it. I know I’ll snap out of it soon…I just wonder if ever I will figure out how to *not* snap into it in the first place.

    Good for you for going home empty handed!

  25. I agree on the blogging about weight loss comment… sometimes I wonder whether my blog and laa laa land rather than reality.

    My husband has a t-shirt that says “Reality; a noun. Something that happens when you are not playing computer games” I think it should say “something that happens when you are not online” haha

    Just remember, you are not alone!

  26. I just had a phone interview at a place I consider “A Big Deal” and I got all flustered (I felt) despite the fact that I don’t need the job and getting it would involve a pita move. So, my heart started pounding after this event and I soon wanted to eat a ton of foods or sweets to calm me down. All of a sudden, just now, I realize that my wish to terrorize drawers and cabinets is directly correlated with my feeling like a stressed out failure. I am trying to change the story to say that “I did it” and that in itself is great and I was in the 15% of applicants who were called in the first place so my inner Food Monster can suck it! BLAH!