I innocently pan-fried a trout fillet on Wednesday night and now you can barely breathe for the fish fug.
I scrubbed the pan clean. I took out the rubbish that contained the fish wrappings. I doused every room with air freshener and Febreeze whilst singing, Trout! Trout! Let it all out! But that just made it smell like fishy flowers. So we left the windows wide open all night long… yet the stench persisted, more evil than before.
I've been pseudo-vegetarian for a few years now – I usually reserve meat for when we dine out – so it's been yonks since I cooked fish. Have I forgotten some crucial information? Has fish always been this stinky? Is trout a particularly pungent specimen? Is it because I pan-fried it – would it have been less brutal had I given it a gentle grilling?
"Maybe the fish wasn't fresh," Gareth said as we lay awake and shivering in our oxygen masks last night.
"It was fresh! It was bloody tasty."
"Are you sure it wasn't bad? You haven't had the squits, have you?"
"THE SQUITS? I never want to hear you say that word again!"
"It's a great word! It's one of those words that sounds like its meaning."
"That's what I said."
When I left the house this morning the icy wind rattled through the hallway and I thought perhaps it was getting a little better. But I've just received a text from Gareth: I'm freezing here and it still smells like trout!
I was just trying to get in some Omega-3's, dammit. I'm sticking to sunflower seeds from now on.