The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

Disastrous Thighs

I was walking along the beach, or more like waddling along the beach because the sand seemed so thick and heavy I could barely lift my legs up and down. I was hot and uncomfortable as it was, but then I had to walk past a bunch of tanned and buff blokes who were posing on their towels.

"I spy with my little eye," said one of them, smirking at me as he took a sip of beer, "A pair of disastrous thighs!"

"Disastrous thighs!" I sputtered to Gareth, as I awoke from this seaside dream. "Can you believe that? What a bastard!"

"Why disastrous thighs?"

"I dunno, I think it was meant to rhyme with eye. Anyway, he was having a go at my thighs!"

"Hmmm. Looks like you're paranoid about your legs on a sub-conscious level!"

Could be, Fred. I feel so content with the ol body these days, but perhaps deep down I'm convinced that is only because I'm no longer living in Australia where you have to display your pale, blubbery pins for three quarters of the year unless you want to die of heat exhaustion. THANK GOODNESS I live in Britain where it's almost winter and this is the view from your window at 4 o'clock in the afternoon:

I'm not going to leave the house at all, let alone leave the house in an outfit that would reveal any ghostly flesh.

. . .

Does anyone remember Operation Push-Up? I made it a new year's resolution to build up to proper push ups on my toes (aka "Man" Push Ups... snort!). In January I could do half of one, which was really more like a direct belly-whacker into the carpet when my arms collapsed. I managed to get up to two in May before I had to abandon the mission when I injured my neck/shoulder and had all that physiotherapy. Grrr.

Since I got the all-clear in July, I've slowly been rebuilding my upper body strength. It's only been the past ten weeks that I've consistently managed two proper UB weights sessions per week. And I'm finally seeing some results! I read Krista's Mistressing The Pushup advice, and started with push ups on the wall, then kitchen counter. Because my knees can't stand any pressure on them, I had to skip the next stage altogether - knee push ups. So I've just been doing one or two wobbly full bodies then gone back to my trusty wall.

Today I was doing my Pyramid Upper Body DVD and the warm-up called for knee push ups. "RAH! I told you before, I can't do those!" I yelled at the laptop. Instead of watching Cathe with my hands on my hips I decided to try as many as I could on my toes. And I managed eight! Slowly! With good form! WOOHOO! I couldn't bloody believe it!

Okay, it's hardly enough to get me into the army but it's a helluva lot better than my previous zero. If I ever get to the stage where I can actually Drop And Give You Twenty, I will make a movie and upload it for you all to marvel and/or snigger at my sheer athleticism. Mwahaha.

What Shall I Wear?

I just found out that Dietgirl has been nominated in the Best Medical/Health Issues Blog category of the 2006 Weblog Awards.

In the distant past my other blog won a couple of Bloggie awards and I fought the urge to whore for votes. But this is the very first time that good ol' Dietgirl has been nominated for anything so forgive me for being a skank and posting a cheesy button and link to the voting page.

I'm not that familiar with these Awards and they have bizarre system where you can actually vote once every 24 hours. Imagine the administrative nightmare if Presidential voting worked like that!?

So as they say... vote early and vote often. Well, once a day. If you feel like it. Hehe. And thank you to whoever the kind person was that nominated the blog.

I am currently being completely trounced by the opposition. 'MON THE FATBLOG!

Solid Gold

File the following under: "Too much of a good thing"

1. The Soup
I've banged on about soup lately. Oh joyous filling-but-healthy liquid dinner! I was drafting a post about all the lovely soups we've made lately. Sweet Potato & Chilli. Curried Butternut Pumpkin. Carrot, Rosemary & Butterbean. Even an outstanding Mushroom Soup! I'm someone who swore I hated Mushroom Soup but this was a healthy WW number that knocked my socks off.

Anyway, cut to Monday night and were were scheduled to make Broccoli Soup featuring potatoes and herbs and I can't remember what else. I stared at the cookbook and cried, "I cannot FACE another bowl of soup. I NEED SOLIDS!"

At which point Gareth wanders into kitchen and says, "Oh good. I was beginning to feel like a pensioner with nae teeth!"

So the Broccoli Soup got pushed back to Tuesday night. Then Wednesday, then Thursday. And do you think I could be arsed making that tonight? We are well and truly Off The Soup now. What kind of demented idea is Broccoli Soup anyway!? We're having fish instead. And maybe some sweet potato wedges. With about three pounds of bloody steamed broccoli on the side.

2. The Push Ups
I should never have crowed about my push ups because I have a feeling the feat will not be repeated ever again! My chest and shoulders are still screaming from that epic effort on Sunday. It hurts to hold up the hairdryer. I guess that's what you get for trying to support 80 kilos on wimpy little hands and feet.

Then on Wednesday in Pilates we had to do this roll down into push up into plank then stick one leg in the air and hold then stick the other leg in the air and hold, times six. And that finished me off completely. I am scheduled to do upper body weights tonight but methinks it will be a good old fashioned stretching session instead. My mind thinks it's a Top Athlete but the body is waddling behind whimpering, "Wait for me! Wait for meeee!"

. . .

So I decided to lay off the scales for awhile. I weighed in on Monday but it's been cold turkey ever since.

It's been rather dull not getting on "just for a peek". It's not that I place stock in the numbers, it's just good entertainment value. I like placing bets with Gareth as to how much one restaurant meal can make me "gain" overnight, or seeing how much I can puff up when I'm pre-menstrual. I went out for dinner last Friday night and had all of two drinks and was up 1.5kg the next morning, which was actually quite disappointing because my all-time record is 4kg. Boo!

The Magic Knickers

So I bought these crazy Spanx magic undies a few months ago. Sara Blakely, the blonde vixen who invented them, was a finalist on Richard Branson's reality show Rebel Billionaire last year. I was cheering for her just because I thought that a woman who was selling undies that made your tummy look flatter couldn't be evil.

What can I say Sara? They ain't working for me baby! I think maybe if I was already a slender whippet like yourself, the magic undies would be useful to smooth down an ever-so-slightly swollen belly after a bowl of lentil soup. But for someone with actual roaming blubber? It ain't pretty. All they do is redistribute the bulk.

It was easy enough to wrestle into the garment and the crotchlessness would be a handy feature one needed to pee on a night out on the town. However, the undies don't make me look skinnier. They just make me look freaky. My arse goes entirely flat, my hips get squished into my waist, and my belly seems to ooze upward and nudge the bottom of my bra. Needless to say the Spanx have been returned to the back of the undie drawer.

There is no real point to this entry except to say tomorrow is the work Christmas party and there is nothing I can do between now and then to restrain my flesh. Hehe. Last year I vowed that this year I would be super-organised for the party and not be looking for an outfit the day before. This time I looked months in advance but couldn't bloody find anything really cool and/or affordable. At least my top is purple instead of POO BROWN this time round.

Rah rah rah. I've been a bit blah these past few days but now is the time to relaaaax and enjoy this festive season and forget about my wobbly guts. I want to have some FUN, dammit.

And I hope you're all having fun too.

Good Times

I've ranted many times before on here how I'm not one for alcohol; that I don't see the point in wasting calories on liquids when SOLIDS are just so much more satisfying.

Well I kinda forgot that manifesto this week. I got pleasantly sozzled at the Work Party last Friday. Then the wine flowed over the weekend while my sister was here, and I capped it all off on Tuesday night with at our Team Lunch where I alternated vodka with port for some bizarre reason. No hangovers, just a general feeling of goodwill to all men. Ho ho ho!

I've also been eating like a right little piggie. Check out the stuff Rhi and I made for our Early Christmas Dinner on Sunday night, phwoar!

The overall effect of this week of indulgence is that I feel... happy and content. I can't sum it up any better than Erin:

"There is something about this week that makes me throw up my hands and not care one bit about anything other than feeling good, whether it's by eating food I love, spending time with my friends, or even just taking a long bath. It's the holiday season in earnest and I just don't think that I should spend much time doing anything other than feeling good and happy, which includes loosening up the pants at the waist."

Last Thursday I was praying to be struck down by a viciously snotty cold so I wouldn't have to go to the Christmas Party. All week I'd been tired and apathetic, raging at the endless rain and generally annoyed at the impending social engagements that will disrupt My Routine. I wanted to cancel stinking Christmas and hide away from the world in our poky wee flat and not come out til Springtime. BAH!

Then that night I got a text from a legendary friend of mine telling me that she'd given birth to her second son a few hours earlier. She'd had a rough time, and needed to have four blood transfusions. Yet she still summoned the energy to write at the end of her message, "Hope you and Dr G are doing well!"

Crikey, I thought, She's just had a screaming human extracted from her loins and she's able to be nice and cheery. So why the hell am I being so crabbit?!

Thus I woke up on Friday morning and resolved to have a Good Time. It may just be traces of alcohol, fat and sugar talking, but it's been a great week. Sometimes I feel I get so bogged down and obsessed by this Lard Busting that I become a boring, insular, sanctimonious twit. I have thoroughly enjoyed relaxing and forgetting about scales and calories, and remembering that I know a helluva lot of really brilliant people. And that it's good to appreciate and engage with them. New friends, re-appearing old friends, family, husband, colleagues, blogging folks... exxxcellent.

I lurve youse all. Group hump!

Now all that remains is the Official Xmas Dinner with the In Laws on Monday, then that'll be me entirely back to reality. It was fun for awhile but my jeans are clinging to the ol thighs far too cosily. Between now and Monday I plan on hitting the gym and trying out my new Pilates DVD and getting back on the soup!

To all you groovers out there in Fatblogland... happy holidays. Thank you for all your blogs and emails and comments and ideas and jokes and general excellent-ness throughout the year!

The Last Tempation of Dietgirl

Oooh it feels good to be exercising again. Aside from Pilates I hadn't done a thing for two weeks! I went back to the gym on Friday and did HIIT on the bike for half an hour then did an extremely grueling upper body weights on Saturday. Then yesterday I did my new Pilates DVD. Okay I didn't do it, I sat on the couch and watched it. You have to build up to these things.

I've also been skulking around Fatblogland, reading my eleventybillion favourite blogs frothing with jealousy at those of you who are displaying stellar self-control and sailing through the holidays, saying nay to festive fatty foods at every opportunity. I salute you, and also weep with envy. Does anyone else do this, or am I just completely pathetic?

It's not that I'm on some sort of wild sugar bender; I just know I'm not in my usual Routine and it feels uncomfortable. For example, I couldn't do my weekly online grocery shop because all the delivery slots were full. I didn't realise how ESSENTIAL this is to keeping me on track. When you shop online you have plan an entire week of meals in advance, so you really can't go wrong. The pantry is always stocked with wholesome things. There's no excuse nor means to be unhealthy. Like last week Gareth was prowling through the cupboards and I said, "What's wrong, is there nothing good to eat?" and he said, "Yes there is, that's the problem! Everything's GOOD! There's nothing BAD! I want something BAD!".

Hehe. Anyway, we had to venture to the Real Supermarket on Friday night and actually prowl the aisles instead of paying someone else £4 to do it. We went at 10pm thinking the crowds would have died down, but noooo! You had to fight your way down every aisle, bodies and crates of vegetables and loo roll everywhere. Depsite having a shopping list, we soon got so stressed we were tossing random crap into the trolley just to get it over with, and of course when we got home I only had about 50% of what we needed and a whole bunch of ingredients that just don't seem to go together.

So I got online immediately and put in an extremely wholesome grocery order for the next available delivery slot - bloody Thursday! I felt better already.

Now I just have to get through today. Christmas Dinner with the Reids. I hereby vow to avoid the wee bowls of crisps and pretzels that will no doubt be laying about. I hereby vow not to eat the entire sticky toffee pudding.

And then it will be Boxing Day and I will go for a walk and lift some heavy objects and make some hummus. And order will be restored.

Back in the Saddle Again

Don't come too close! My garlic breath has the power to KILL!

During hummus-making today, I was soothed by the sight of chickpeas meeting their grisly fate inside the food processor. Just seeing such wholesome ingredients whizzing around made me feel calm and healthier. Especially after Last Night.

Oh lordy. Christmas Dinner was delicious, but laden with butter and animals. And chased with another Sticky Toffee Pudding. My stomach protested, instantly round and taut as a basketball. No, TWO basketballs! I had to unbutton my jeans and let it all hang out on the in-laws couch.

When we got home, after a twenty minute farting concerto, Gareth and I played the Two Fatties on the Scale Game. Of course there was no contest. I had "gained" four kilos to his pathetic two.

I didn't extract my lazy, lardy arse from bed until noon today. For shame. But I remembered my Vow of Wholesomeness and had porridge for lunch. Then carrots and hummus at sunset, just 3.5 hours later. And pumpkin soup for dinner. Now I am going to eat a clementine.

And now everyone hear my Vow of Productivity! I will arise by 8am and not waste another moment of my Christmas holidays.

So how is everyone else doing out there?

2006: A Mixed Bag

So it's the last day of 2006 and we feel obliged to look back before trudging forth into the new year!

I have such conflicting feelings about this lard-busting palaver; and this year was particularly messy. Sometimes lard-busting dominated my thoughts; other times it wassn't a priority at all. Sometimes I felt frustrated and frumpy, but most days I felt happy and healthy and a few extra kilos didn't cramp my style at all.

So I will just be honest with you and explain both sides of the coin, even though my thoughts may sound irrational or trivial.

Disclaimer: Please remember that this is a health/lard-busting blog and therefore the topic is health/lard-busting and navel gazing is all part of the pudding. So please trolls, hold your fire.