The Magic Knickers

So I bought these crazy Spanx magic undies a few months ago. Sara Blakely, the blonde vixen who invented them, was a finalist on Richard Branson's reality show Rebel Billionaire last year. I was cheering for her just because I thought that a woman who was selling undies that made your tummy look flatter couldn't be evil.

What can I say Sara? They ain't working for me baby! I think maybe if I was already a slender whippet like yourself, the magic undies would be useful to smooth down an ever-so-slightly swollen belly after a bowl of lentil soup. But for someone with actual roaming blubber? It ain't pretty. All they do is redistribute the bulk.

It was easy enough to wrestle into the garment and the crotchlessness would be a handy feature one needed to pee on a night out on the town. However, the undies don't make me look skinnier. They just make me look freaky. My arse goes entirely flat, my hips get squished into my waist, and my belly seems to ooze upward and nudge the bottom of my bra. Needless to say the Spanx have been returned to the back of the undie drawer.

There is no real point to this entry except to say tomorrow is the work Christmas party and there is nothing I can do between now and then to restrain my flesh. Hehe. Last year I vowed that this year I would be super-organised for the party and not be looking for an outfit the day before. This time I looked months in advance but couldn't bloody find anything really cool and/or affordable. At least my top is purple instead of POO BROWN this time round.

Rah rah rah. I've been a bit blah these past few days but now is the time to relaaaax and enjoy this festive season and forget about my wobbly guts. I want to have some FUN, dammit.

And I hope you're all having fun too.

Comments

[1 · Posted by Marshmallow · December 14, 2006 at 11:03 PM]

Hah! And here I was thinking that I was the only one who had problems with these supposed tummy-holding-in undergarments!

I'm lucky that I don't have any Christmas parties to worry about - everything in stores at the moment is red with polka dots or little airplanes all over them. I mean... WTF?!?!

[2 · Posted by Amanda Jane · December 14, 2006 at 11:14 PM]

LOL... that reminds me of something my nanny always use to say to me, she would say that any woman with a "tummy problem" should wear a pair of tight pants like that... I think they are called step ins in Australia? Anyway I would laugh at her and say nanny my tummy is too far gone, they wont be able to do anything for me... lol. Thanks for the laugh and taking me back to those memories! Have a great time at the work party!

[3 · Posted by Vanessa · December 14, 2006 at 11:39 PM]

I made the mistake of purchasing a pair of spanx (such a ridiculous name) too. I ended up tossing them I was so offended by their awfulness. I swear they made me look *worse* because the fabric is a little bit sticky so your clothes catch on them. Ridiculous. I can't figure out why people are raving about them.

[4 · Posted by kathryn · December 15, 2006 at 12:07 AM]

Are they the magic knickers that Trinny and Susannah go on about? I've always wanted to try them.

I've got a 'svelte belt' that goes around your middle and flattens things out. It works well on me because my biggest problem area is under the boobs. The trouble with most of these things is that you push it in somewhere and it squishes out somewhere else!

[5 · Posted by NicoleW · December 15, 2006 at 03:16 AM]

Bwaha! I'd been eyeballing the Spanx site, but I believe I'll give 'em a miss after this one. I've already had enough issues with "tummy smoothing" control top hose that squash all my blubber into weird lumps and give me horrible indigestion ... ugh.

[6 · Posted by Pamela · December 15, 2006 at 06:46 AM]

Just back from my company xmas party myself (and maybe I should warn that I've had a bit of wine!), but just wanted to say I so relate to the search for just the right thing to wear. Still, in the end I had a good time. Good company bonding, enjoyed my co-workers (and their significant others) and made it home in one piece -- still happy with my wardrobe! Hope yours goes as well. And... next time I'm in Scotland hope my son doesn't get the croup!!

[7 · Posted by Moira · December 15, 2006 at 09:57 AM]

I've just seen Shauna all ready for our "work do" & she is looking amazing. She has a fantastic new hairdo and her purple top is lovely. Shauna, stop complaining about your "wobbly bits", you wobble in all the right places! Enjoy yourself today. x x

[8 · Posted by bee · December 15, 2006 at 10:05 AM]

hehe thanks, i needed a bit of a laugh today...

[9 · Posted by andrea · December 15, 2006 at 12:09 PM]

I hope you have a great time, Shauna! My colleagues are currently recovering from ours last night, I sneaked away at 10.30!

I'm sure you'll look lovely. No one can beat my jumper, jeans, and mittens look.

[10 · Posted by Kirsten · December 15, 2006 at 02:19 PM]

I used to wear really tight jeans back in the 90s in the hope that they'd squish me in, and they really didn't.

I've found the Bodyshaper tights in M&S to be worth a try though - they don't squish all that firmly, just smooth the contours. Mind you, they do come well up above the waist which is a bit odd.

[11 · Posted by carole · December 15, 2006 at 03:24 PM]

Where to start? My friend and I were bridesmaids during the hottest part of the summer, and of course we were wearing full length ugly seafoam gree dresses that managed to flatten my boobs and widen my ass (how do they do that?) During the course of the night, my friend had a lot to drink (bride was Bridezilla) and could not manage to get back into her bodyshaper. She left the washroom stall, crinoline (yes, just like BoPeep) around her ears, and she had to get my help to get back into her underwear. Why do we do this to ourselves? I nearly yanked her off her feet trying to get her back into her clothes. Thouroughly enjoy your blog, DG-rock on in 2007!

[12 · Posted by J · December 15, 2006 at 06:20 PM]

I can sympathize with your post! I am a skinny fat girl--I'm in the normal weight range for my height/build, but my substantial tummy flab defies attempts to hold it in. Spanx just redistributes the problem to different parts of my torso, just like you said--it gives me bulges in spots that actually looked alright before I put the damn "shaping garment" on. The same goes for those half-corset waist thingys that start at your hips and end under the boobs--I end up with all the flab spilling over the top and bottom, leaving me with sort of a lumpy circumference. I've had better luck with this thing from Bali (the American underwear manufacturer, not the tropical island nation) called the lace convertible all-in-one. It somehow pushes the flab up and incorporates it into your boobs, making more cleavage. Plus, in black it's much more attractive than spanx, which always remind me of those stockings grannies wear to help relieve the pressure on their leg veins. This Bali thing is closer to 50s bombshell, especially if you wear stockings instead of pantyhose with it (these have the added bonus of making it easier to use the loo than wrestling with tights).

[13 · Posted by Nessajane · December 15, 2006 at 08:40 PM]

All I would like to say is MERRY SILLY SEASON from down under SHAUNA.

Have fun because the new year will be here before we know it and of course we all know that you will reach goal in 2007. Now that's something to really look forward to. NJ

[14 · Posted by Denise · December 15, 2006 at 09:31 PM]

When you wear the "sucker-inners" you must get the kind that extend from the top of your knees to the bottom of your bra (or incorporate a bra of their own) so that the fat has nowhere to escape. True, you cannot breathe while wearing such a thing, but there are no unsightly bulges. Human bodies do tend to most closely resemble a sausage while wearing them, though, so keep that in mind, too.

[15 · Posted by dg · December 15, 2006 at 11:13 PM]

MOIRA BABY! Your cheque is in the mail :)

I had a lovely ol time tonight, my work peoples are all legends. Legends, I tells ya.

[16 · Posted by dg · December 15, 2006 at 11:14 PM]

and cheers for all your comments, merry xmas to you qll. now i must away and watch the Ashes highlights xxox

[17 · Posted by Sandra · December 16, 2006 at 12:13 AM]

I wore the M&S magic knickers yesterday and what a disaster. Firstly they didn't have the smoothing effect I wanted. (The dress I wanted to wear is not tight just slightly more figure hugging in the crotch and bum area than I would like it to be...) but then about half an hour after I'd pu them on the legs oelled up and strangled my groin. I was en route to work on public transport and had to hope my circulation wasn't completely cut off before i took them off at work. Thankfully I had thought to wear real undies underneath them so I was not knickerless at work! And I had to just brave to figure-hugging effect. I won't be wearing those torture pants again.

Merry Crimbo DG!

[18 · Posted by Sandra · December 16, 2006 at 12:15 AM]

man - the typos in that comment! it should have read 'legs rolled up'...

[19 · Posted by Celia · December 16, 2006 at 11:24 AM]

hi Shauna. i was wondering if you have any tips on motivating oneself to NOT become (split infinitive, oh well) uber blubbery over the winter. i'm a runner, but can't seem to make myself get out there during the winter when it's gross outside....

what is the source of your motivation / will power / whatev ? i'd be tickled pink to make myself finally lose these last 7-9 lbs...

[20 · Posted by Kellie · December 16, 2006 at 11:11 PM]

Ha ha, I too bought some tummy flatteners for my work Christmas party. And, like yours, mine are consigned to the back of the knicker drawer. Let's just say my cup runneth over.

Btw since starting my weight loss efforts in May this year I have not only reached goal but sailed right past it! I am now 60.4kgs (down from 76.6kgs) which means there is 16.4kgs less of me!!

Excuse me while I do the dance of joy

[21 · Posted by Jadey 0:-) · December 17, 2006 at 07:45 AM]

Good luck for the party Shauna! I do hope on the night you feel comfortable and glamorous!

[22 · Posted by LBTEPA · December 18, 2006 at 12:34 AM]

thanks goodness that here in Oz it's too warm to wear undies like that! Anyway people are far too bewitched by your CHARM AND WIT to notice any (fast-diminishing) blubber. cheerio and par-tay on!!

[23 · Posted by Talia Mana, Centre for Emotional Well-Being · December 18, 2006 at 12:36 AM]

Oh yeah, I fell for that trick too. I saw her on Richard Branson's show and thought what a great idea.

Then Trinny & Susannah (What not to wear) called them magic knickers so I had to have some. Hmmm not so magic.

I bought another type that I saw in an infomercial (that should have been my first clue not to buy). The did give me slightly more definition in my waist and "smoothed" things but that was about all.

Turns out I had to do it the hard way and lose weight. Sigh! I was so sure I could just disguise all the extra blubber.

By the way, it's rumoured that Kirstie Alley wears them in her Jenny Craig photos, and she was wearing slimming tights for the bikini reveal.

Great blog! Found you in the 2006 Weblog awards. Congrats on reaching the finals, Talia

[24 · Posted by Niki · December 18, 2006 at 05:15 AM]

Ok, this is totally random and you're going to think I'm some rabid god-botherer, but the priest at the local church said a few years back that he realised years back that this time of year is always difficult; things are coming to an end, whether they're good or bad, and there is the prospect of new and unfamiliar things beginning. I've remembered that, and reckon he's right. I used to love the lead-up to Christmas, but it's totally blah and depressing nowdays. And I'm with you on the clothes issue, except I have to find something that'll cope with 30+ bloody degrees, and won't scare people off by exposing my upper arms and legs - geez.

[25 · Posted by andrea · December 18, 2006 at 10:57 AM]

Y'know, we should bring corsets back.

[26 · Posted by Cory · December 18, 2006 at 09:47 PM]

My grandmother used to mention those to me too! And I always had that same problem. Maybe once I'm skinny they will be worth something...But wait! Skinny means you don't NEED those, right? :)

[27 · Posted by Row · December 19, 2006 at 08:00 AM]

Bugger on the pants. Of course flattening the bits of the model on the site is no challenge. :(

I need some that redistribute the blubber in a really remote location... for example Alice Springs.

[28 · Posted by Mary · December 30, 2006 at 10:22 AM]

Yep, magic undies are a croc. You are so right about them only "re-distributing" the weight. Kind of like pushing mince into the skin of a sausage....not pretty LOL.