The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

An Interview with PastaQueen

It's 8PM, the official hour on New Year's Eve when you try to persuade yourself to go out in the rain to a party instead of PJs, bottle of port and crappy Year In Review programs.

To all those down South - way way down South - who are already in 2008: Happy New Year! To everyone else, party on and see you next year!

. . .

In book news: On Saturday I had a fireside chat with the famous Jennette Fulda, a.k.a. PastaQueen of Half of Me. Except there was no actual fire, just Instant Messenger and talk of writing books and weight loss. Nevertheless I had a rockin' good time and PastaQueen asked fabulous questions. Check it out noo!

It was also kindly brought to my attention that you can order the goods from Amazon Canada. Which means cheaper postage for all you lovely North Americans, woohoo! Except for those who already ordered it from the UK, please don't hit me!

2008: Rhymes With Great

At a party on New Years Eve 2006, I was watching the clock through a red wine haze and eating posh crisps with a poncy name. Caramelised Shallot And Taw Valley Cheddar, as I recall... in other words, cheese and onion!

It was 11.45 PM and I was thinking, As soon as the clock strikes midnight that is it. I hereby resolve to cut all the crap in 2007!

Then at 11.59 PM somebody cracked open a tub of Marks & Spencer Extremely Chocolatey Mini Bites.

I revised my strategy. Righto. Make that 1AM. After that I'm going STRAIGHT, darnit.

A few days later I emerged from my sugar 'n' lard coma and realised that making grand, lofty plans that lacked focus and relied on brain/willpower for success was not the best approach to New Years Resolutions.

So I made a new list. It was more goals than resolutions, specific and realistic ones. Cheesy SMART goals like they make you do on tedious corporate training days! Breaking down the huge and impossible into  digestible chunks.

It turned out a pretty good year. It still amazes me when that Baby Step stuff actually works. I had a blast trying out all those new activities - canoeing, kayaking, kickboxing, plus revisiting hill walking and yoga. My Flaming Knee Of Pain finally calmed down and I was more consistent with exercise. I didn't hit 75 kilos - all those sporty moments and various epiphanies led to me letting go of that scale fixation once and for all. And though that was never on any list, it turned out to be the most satisfying moment of this whole lard-busting caper.

All that said, the last few months of 2007 have been chaotic with the new job etc etc. I've been bumbling along, up and down. I'm like a crappy old computer -- you know when you have too many programs open and it's running so slow and sluggishly that you can practically see smoke rising? And then you push it harder and try to open PhotoShop. So it's clearly time for a reboot.

The merits of New Years Resolutions are oft-debated, but January 1 feels so crisp and clean, perfect for refocusing and thinking about what's next. Plus I like making lists. There's no greater nerdly pleasure than ticking stuff off from lists!

Two posts have really got me fired up for a fresh start: Sarah at Pink of Perfection and Erin at Angry Fat Girlz.

I still haven't quite figured out my own goals for 2008. I just know I want them to be about fun and fitness and feeling good about the ol' bod. Not numbers and angst. Nor midnight Mini Bite moratoriums!

Minty Fresh

Hello groovers. Did you enjoy your festivities? Are you throwing rocks at your telly at all those Slim Fast commercials?

You know those dreams where you go to school in your pyjamas? That happened to me tonight fer real except it was at kickboxing. That's what you get for packing your gym bag in the dark. Luckily it was only PJ bottoms, navy blue. But they were too tight and the navy blue t-shirt I'd packed was too short so I looked like a navy blue Tellytubby.

It was a mixed ability class tonight, due to a revised Christmas schedule. And whaddya know, I was the sole representative from the Beginners group. All the rest were Advanced, in their matching official Team Scary satin trousers that they wear when they officially clobber people for trophies.

I nearly ran out the door but I'd paid my 3 quid and didn't want them to think I was a wimp. Because I'm sure they wouldn't have figured that out from the way I wobbled with fear and cocked up every move. The indignity of it all. I don't mind looking stupid in the beginners class, in fact I quite enjoy it. But in front of those feisty scrapping machines was something else altogether. Confidence is entirely contextual, you see; it's no fun when you can't share around the ineptitude!

. . .

It's good to be back in the saddle after Christmas. It was a low key couple of days, and I frolicked in the strange and delicious sensation of not being stressed about whether I was eating too much and if my world would collapse if I ate a dozen After Eight mints. World still seems to be intact and breath is minty fresh!

Gareth the Wholesome went cycling on Christmas Day. Christmas Eve, too. Rhiannon and I sat on the couch a lot, chatting and making plans and setting goals for fancy new exercise regimes and schedules but the closest we got to actual exercise was walking to the shops to buy pedometers then giving up when we saw the queues, so we went back home and resumed our perch.

. . .

Have any of you Scavenger Hunt winners received the goods yet? I sent the Mothership a copy of DG on Friday (December 21), and would you believe she got it yesterday? Five days to Australia, with Christmas and everything!

Mary, my Mothership-in-law, phoned tonight to say she's about 100 pages in. My guts are churning thinking of all the upcoming swear words and the boom-chicka-wow-wow bits involving her son. Why did this not occur to me before? That people might read it and not just shove it on the shelf between a crumbly pair of Agatha Christies?

Also, many of my kindly work colleagues have copies. So instead of being That Chick That Swears At Her Computer, I will soon be... That Chick Of Whom We Know Far Too Much Information.

But it's exciting, comrades! I had the first official sighting on December 23, nine days early at our local WH Smith. Then yesterday I saw a dude unpacking copies at Waterstones in Edinburgh, and Rhiannon and I jumped up and down discreetly.

Here it is at WH Smith, snuggled up next to Gordon Ramsay. Woohoo!

'Tis The Season To Be Slobby

Festive exercise thus far has consisted of lugging a six-kilogram cast iron casserole dish from the shops to our flat. It's one of those things when you think, "Six kilos, I laugh in the face of six kilos!" but after five minutes I thought my biceps would explode. Since then it's all been cooking and eating and sitting about on my arse.

Have a great day folks, whether it's Crimbo or just a plain ol Tuesday. Thanks for tuning in this year and here's to an adventuresome 2008. My gift to you is this ye olde inspirational poster from the Health Education Board of Scotland, spotted at the local hospital.

American Cycle

Gareth has decided that he prefers to remain an enigma, so I'm afraid it's back to verbose ol' me again!

My gut was sore from laughing at his entry; it took him all of twenty seconds to tap out yet he'd managed to distill seven years of public babbling and a lifetime of lard-related angst.

I'd been feeling self-conscious as it is lately, doing press for the book and sometimes being struck mute mid-interview thinking, What a ridiculous thing, to spend so much time going on about the size of ones arse.

But I'll keep on anyway, because I've been meaning to tell you about what was quite possibly The Greatest Day of My Life. Woohoo!

(Warning: I'm really knackered therefore beware of rambling and excess exclamation!)

You may recall my road cycling debut of mid-October - tears and trembling and brown underpants. It was a crash course of sorts, because the following week we were off to New York and I'd booked us on a cycling tour.

At first it seemed like a crafty way of disposing of Gareth for a few hours so I could do some shopping, but then I decided I wanted in, too. Sure I have no peripheral vision and I cannae hand signal but I've done twenty minutes on a Scottish country road... LET THE MUPPET TAKE MANHATTAN!

We assembled at a bike shop near Union Square – me and Gareth, three chicks from Kansas and a Melbourne lad with wholesome soap star looks. The two tour guides helped us chose a bike. I'd hoped they'd all be pretty pink ones with baskets on the front, but it was a random tangle of scary Sporty Ones. Where was the BELL? How would I cry for help?! My beast had a terrifying 21" frame with a really high crossbar. I called it the Crotch Masher 2000.

There were two guides. They were former couriers, with that lean sculpted-calf appearance that, if a pathetic amateur, might leave you intimidated and tugging at your husband's sleeve, "If you ride off on me, I'll KILL YOU!"

We were told to keep in line behind the front guide and he'd make hand signals telling us when to go or stop or slow down. Nae bother. As we set off I kept my eyes glued to the guide in front and totally blocked out the fact I was in New York otherwise I would have vomited. I couldn't look anywhere but straight ahead and I couldn't change gears because they were twist grip gears and I never knew there was another kind of gear!?

But after five or ten minutes I calmed down. I looked up at a street sign and it said 5th Avenue and I thought Hee hee heeee I'm riding down 5th Avenue! Then a bus whooshed up beside me and I could feel my ribs rattle. The adrenaline kicked in and I spent the next five hours in a state of joy and delirium!

Some highlights:

• Brush with death in the West Village! As we approached an intersection I caught sight of a pet shop with a windowful of tiny yapping dogs. "GARETH, LOOK AT THE DOGS!" I yelled and sailed on towards them, at the same time Gareth yelled, "SHAUNA, LOOK AT THE TRUCK!" Luckily the truck had good brakes and the information is now branded on my brain: Americans drive on the right.
• Bruising my lady parts every time I dismounted gigantic bicycle to take another squinty Holding Camera At Arms Length Shot
  
• Bruising lady parts due to inability to ride in anything other than a straight line therefore barreling through every pothole in the Meatpacking District
• Powering along the Hudson River Greenway - sweet merciful taxi-less bus-less cycle path!
• WALL STREET!
  

• Riding across the Brooklyn Bridge as the sun was setting and laughing in deranged manner, I can't belieeeeeve I'm on the Brooklyn Briiiiiidge on a biiiiike!
• Dismounting on Bridge then looking back to see the skyline lit up and falling in love with New York for the 457th time that week
  
• Zooming past the Supreme Court building and making the DUN DUN! noise from Law and Order
• Weaving in and out of traffic in Chinatown, teeth chattering in terror, completely overwhelmed by all the crazy honking and colours and chickens but loving it!
• Scoffing dumplings and sesame pancakes at a nice hole-in-the-wall type of place
• Riding down a grotty little street that could have been anywhere in the world then looking up to see the Empire State glowing in the distance!

So this happened two months ago and only now can I talk about it without getting teary and/or giggling hysterically. I know people ride bikes in cities all the time; my Amazing Adventures may be your tedious commute. But I had never felt so deliriously happy in all my life...

(even during the last half hour of the tour, when the guide that was supposed to stay at the back of the group drifted forward, leaving me and the Old Lady of Kansas to swear and scream and dither when the lights went amber, as to whether to stop and get left behind or go forth and pedal to our deaths)

... I suppose on some cheesy level it was a bit of a Wow I used to be welded to the couch now look at me moment but more it was so deliciously surreal to see places that you've only known from the telly, while on a bicycle, when you used to ride over sheep poo in Australia. It just makes my mind explode sometimes, life and all its possibilities. Now I wish I could go back to every city I've ever visited and see it again from a two-wheeled perspective.

I Can Make You Win

Hello good citizens of UK and Ireland! If you thought my Grand Prize wasn't all that grand, check out my publisher Transworld's Advent Calendar where you can witness my cartoon likeness jumping out of a box. For today only, you could win a 2 night spa break at a Champneys Health Resort AND a copy of Dietgirl to read while you're being pampered.

Well, that's me and my wee contest thoroughly upstaged!

Hey Gareth, Pretend To Be Me And Update My Blog

Today I wanted tae eat some chocolate. Oh, the anguish. I didnae ken whit tae dae.

I was starvin' but I couldnae eat any chocolate or I would stack it on.

Oh, the humanity...

Dietgirl Contest: The Winners

Can I just say I am having a dirty cow of a week. I would like to know what are you supposed to do when you feel ultra-stressed that doesn't involve diving face-first into a vat of Smarties or buying stuff. I went out at lunch today and the brain was racing: CHOCOLATE no don't need any more chocolate STUFF no don't need any more stuff OK THEN WHAT ABOUT A MAGAZINE coz that's not edible.

So I stood in the queue at Marks and Spencer and by the time it was my turn I realised the magazine was a bit shit. January issues of magazines are always so skimpy. Anyway, I skulked back to the office and wondered if my head would explode.

This never really gets any easier, does it? Stress is always going to come along and my reaction is always going to be: how can we instantly soothe this uncomfortable sensation? You can't Take A Bubble Bath or Phone An Understanding Friend when you're in the office at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

In the end I went to the gym after work. Franz Ferdinand's first album is like purpose-built interval training. So many handy changes of tempo! After 40 minutes of that I felt alright. Better-ish. It's just annoying sometimes, how you never get to stop dealing with this stuff. It's always there. Stress. The siren song of the vending machine.

. . .

DG: I can't make up my miiiind!
Dr G: Well, you're f*cked then.
DG: They're all too goooood!
Dr G: That's you being Australian with your egalitarian outlook.

I've been angsting for three hours and wanted to pick three Grand Prize winners for the Scavenger Hunt, but UN Ambassdor Gareth said that changing the rules would be unfair and devalue the competition. Then there's that whole issue of not actually having three Grand Prizes.

It also would have been easier had I made the contest totally random, instead of 9/10ths random, and just said, "leave a comment if you want to win a book". That way maybe bazillions of people would have entered and I wouldn't be feeling so angsty about the winner:non-winner ratio we have now.

But I wanted to have a contest with a bit more fun and interaction, and it's been great to gawking at such imagination, humour and resourcefulness. THANK YOU for all your time and effort! If I had 35 copies I'd send you one each, honest guv.

But ten is all I quite literally have. It went down to the wire, but the Grand Prize goes to Anji of Operation 100. I loved her canine Elvis and her Greek Citizen yogurt. She showed great inventiveness and style and really got into the spirit things.

Next up, merciful RANDOMNESS! I wrote all remaining entry numbers on little squares of paper (as determined by order of receipt, see bedazzling official list) and chucked em in a Cadbury Roses tin then thoroughly shoogled it about. Gareth reached in and drew out nine numbers, while simultaneously watching a documentary about Pink Floyd. This is your guarantee that the numbers were not peeked at! Here's what came out:

30. Piabella
4. Lucinda
12. Sillymonkey
14. Marla
33. Tanya
11. Heather
23. Mel
19. Sara
28. Stephanie

I'll be contacting the winners soon to get your postal details sorted.

Be sure to check out the entry list to see just how good these entries were and how torturous my decision was :) THANKS AGAIN everyone for playing along and hope you had a hoot!

Dietgirl Contest: Behold Your Collective Brilliance

In order of receipt, here's all the fanbloodybrilliant entries in Dietgirl's Amazing Scavenger Hunt:

1. Rosemary Grace - Painfully Fluffy
2. Tigerlilly - Where is Tigerlilly
3. Lynda - A Change of Life
4. Lucinda - The Fat Assassin
5. Anji - Operation 100
6. Farmer
7. Donna - Can You Hear Me Now? [plus bonus entries!]
8. Lee-Ann McKenzie
9. Tonia
10. Narelle
11. Heather
12. Sillymonkey
13. Erin - Lose the Buddha
14. Marla - Someday is Now
15. Queen B and King Harley - Not Your Mama's Diet
16. Brandi - My Journey to Weight Loss and Health
17. Lauren
18. Annie - Goddess in Training
19. Sara - Sanaworld
20. Kek - Kek's BFL Thing
21. Dark Faith - Size 22 to Size 12
22. Marshmallow - Do You Have An Extra Large In This?
23. Mel - Adventures Travelling Around The World
24. Anna - Blogged by Anna
25. Gloria
26. Lily - Lily Loss Lbs
27. Argy - Transitivity
28. Stephanie
29. Mrs Lard - The Lard Arms
30. Piabella - Love the String
31. Jaykay - Are We Nearly There Yet?
32. Sarah - Living To Feel Good
33. Tanya
34. Sweet Southern Belle
35. Alice
36. The B - The Wanderings of the B (slightly late but bloody great)

Please let me know if I've accidentally mucked up your link! It's been a long day. Now I better hurry up and draw the winners! :)

7 in 1

With two more days left in the Amazing Scavenger Hunt, I've had some emails requesting an extension. Just like high school! But I'll stick with Wednesday 6PM because:

1. All this self-promotion is making me nauseous
2. I need to post those Grand Prize Chocolates before I scoff them myself, and
3. There's a hefty backlog of thrilling things to tell you about, including:
   1. Office Night Out
   2. New Adventures in Almond Butter
   3. An Very Exciting Day In New York
   4. How I Accidentally Spilled Balsamic Vinegar All Over My Tuna On Toast And It Was Surprisingly Delicious

Actually that last one doesn't really need further explanation, so will just cross that off right away.

Anyway! The contest entries so far are bloody fabulous. When it closes I'll post them all in a big list so you can check out some blogs you may not have checked out before. Spread the love, baby!

Here's my own entry. Not official though, because I've read that book before. Ho ho ho.

Rise and Shine

How did it get to be Annual Office Christmas Party Freak Out Day again so soon? [see 2005, 2006]

This is my fifth Scottish Christmas, and the first one I've not been working at the same place. I miss my old colleagues rather pathetically, but I think I'll have a good time with the new mob. They're all girls, so I might need to curb my swearing.

And behold - a Christmas miracle - for the first time ever, I've not spent this Night Before Party running up and down Princes Street in a frenzy, trying to find something to wear! This year I had actual options! Already there! In my wardrobe! With accessories!

So I've got some nice dark jeans from Topshop, that I laugh maniacally when I put on because I just can't believe I fit into them. And a nice slinky green top that my sister found for me and I immediately dismissed. "Can't wear that! It's satiny! It's shiny! That neckline will make me look boxy!" but I tried it on and was proved wrong.

I still... STILL... after all this time, have all these notions of what I am allowed to wear, where I am permitted to shop; forbidden fabrics. I was always told if you lost a shitload of weight you would try on clothes in a frenzy, bursting into tears at your newfound svelteness. But I still break into a sweat at the sight of a coathanger.

. . .

I did an aerobics class at 6AM today. I should have noticed immediately that all was not right when I saw the pink dumbells. Then the instructor looked at me funny when I told her I couldn't start until I squooshed on some deoderant, because I'd just got out of bed and was worried I was whiffy. Then as we began some lunges, I realised I was wearing my pyjamas. Then there was a very elderly man in front of me, wearing a straw boater hat and using his cane as a support as he cranked out some surprisingly deep squats.

And then the alarm started shrieking, and I realised that I'd been attending the aerobics class OF DREAMLAND, and once again I'd hit snooze instead of vaulting out bed for morning exercise. Arrgh!

I did manage it on Monday though! An hour of yoga. I was going to do weights but my stomach was just not up to it. I don't mind morning cardio but weights is just something I prefer when the sun goes down. The yoga was bloody awful! My body creaked and whined through the whole program, but that may have more to do with lack of recent yoga than the morning thing. Mary told me to give a proper go for a month, so I will, because it was nice to feel smug all day long.

. . .

You people are a hoot! I'm loving these Scavenger Hunt entries... I bow down to your hilariousness and creativity. There have been some brilliant interpretations of Elvis - canine and supine. And an edible bald man. And plain yogurt + toga = Greek Yogurt! See, you don't need to scavenge the real thing... imagination rules! You don't even need a camera, as illustrated by Donna. I'm not the bossy type, I promise :)

Dietgirl's Amazing Scavenger Hunt

Greetings, good people of fatblogland! Do you like free stuff? Here is a chance to win a spankin' new copy of The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl!

I've been busting to hold a contest just for Dietgirl readers and the good folks at Transworld have kindly provided me with ten copies to give away. Nine winners will be randomly drawn, but one special winner shall receive a book plus a bonus GRAND (reasonably) (allegedly) (depending on your level of expectation) PRIZE!

The contest consists of a photo Scavenger Hunt. To enter, all you need to do is find seven items related to the book, from a list provided. Unlike traditional scavenger hunts, you don't need to get your hands dirty – simply take a photo of each item.

ELIGIBILITY

This contest is open to all Dietgirl readers from all lands! I will personally post the prizes anywhere. To enter, you will need some sort of photo-taking device, a blog and some imagination!

HOW TO ENTER

1. Hunt down and take a photograph of each item on the list below
2. Post your photographs into a new entry on your blog. Here's the link for this here contest page. If you don't have a blog, you could always post your photos to a free photo service like Flickr.
3. Pimp your entry! Post a comment below with a link to your contest entry, so I can find it and everyone else can have a good stickybeak.

THE LIST

1. A bicycle
2. A bald man
3. Elvis
4. Greek yogurt
5. A wedding dress
6. The letter D
7. The letter G

Now you don't have to be LITERAL here. Obviously some things are harder to find than others. If you can't find something on the list, go crazy and snap a pic of something that vaguely represents it. Just have fun with it, it's not meant to be serious. Creativity and silliness are encouraged!

PRIZE INFO

There are ten (10) copies of the book to give away. I can sign them if the winners so desire, but if you want to flog it on eBay later, bear in mind you might get more if it's unblemished! Ha ha ha.

Nine (9) winners will be drawn at random from a list of all eligible entries, so don't panic if you think you're rubbish at taking photos.

One (1) special entry – the one that the panel (that's me) deems to be the most creative and entertaining – shall scoop the GRAND PRIZE!

The "Grand" Prize consists of:

• a copy of the book
• a very special "Sympathy for the Dietgirl" Kit.

The Kit, donated by yours truly, contains seven things that I've been obsessed with over the duration of this Lard Busting Adventure. The idea is that consuming these items with wild abandon while reading the book may enhance your understanding of the character. Really get inside her head, in case the words aren't enough! It's like Method Reading. Or Being John Malkovich, without the critical acclaim.

Note: Doubling your body weight is optional for the Dietgirl experience.

1. A Moleskine 2008 diary – for obsessive planning and list-making
2. A bag of Percy Pigs – for scoffing in an anxious trance
3. A resistance band – for resistance training in a pinch
4. A tasty selection of Green and Blacks chocolates – for obsessive stuffing into one's face
5. A box of posh herbal tea – for your latest half-hearted attempt to cut back on caffeine
6. A rockin' mix CD of workout tunes - for your latest half-hearted attempt at AM exercise
7. A British Freddo Frog - somewhat inferior to their Australian cousins, but nevertheless were the Chocolate Ration of Choice during the writing of the book

CLOSING DATE

The contest closes at 6PM GMT on Wednesday 12th December (That's 1PM in New York, and 5AM Thursday 12th in Sydney). Winners will be announced the next day and I will post out the prizes as soon as I receive the winners addresses.

TERMS & CONDITIONS

The success of the Amazing Scavenger Hunt depends, of course, on there actually BEING ten entries so there can be ten winners. If there's only two entries then the winners will receive five copies each – more eBay fodder for you, or something to pap off to that crusty Aunty for her Christmas gift. If nobody enters at all, I will crawl under a rock and wallow in humiliation forever. On a cosy bed of Dietgirl books, of course.