The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

Monthly Check In: January 2012

Each month I'm checking in with my 2012 plans.

A month is a most excellent unit of time. Long enough to make things happen, but short enough to correct your path if necessary. I was trying to convince Gareth of the merits of the Monthly Check In when he said, "I have done feck all this month."

"Bullshit!" I declared, then rattled off half a dozen things he'd done, including taking his Etape training up a notch, entering his first homebrew competition and going to see the Turner in January exhibition. Sure we just walked into the Gallery, peered at half a dozen paintings before simultaneously freaking out, "Arrgh! Too many people!" then absconded to the pub. But the point was, he had a good January.

Mine was pretty good too:

January highlights

• Starting a TRX suspension training class - wonderfully tough! The tricep move in particular burns like no other tricep work I've ever done. And it seems I can do squats with the TRX without irritating my knee. Lunges are out though.
• Going back to BodyPump - I can't do the squat or lunge tracks at all (any substitute ideas?) but the back/hamstring and upper body tracks are bloody awesome
• Bagpipe yoga - at the end of yoga class, right after the relaxation bit when the lights were off and the mood was mellow and silent, our teacher said her Quote of the Week which was something about the serenity and joy of life when... BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHH! A bloke down the hallway started blasting away on his bagpipes. I love Scotland, I do.
• Two pounds down on the scale

January lowlight

• Knee news - I hurt my knee in 2005 and it has been a bastard on and off ever since. Mostly on, but I have tried to spare you from too much of the whining around here. I finally took the osteopath's advice and got a referral to the orthopedic specialist bloke. After much poking and scanning the verdict was osteoarthritis. Great, my knee has a real age of approximately 85.
  
  There is not much to be done for that. All I can do is not make it worse. So the "plan" of the past few years - denying, ignoring, gaining a shitload of weight; doing exercises that make it worse - has been tossed.
  
  Orthopedic Man said I am a long way from needing surgery, so I need to be sensible and be so very very careful. Kickboxing, running, squatting, lunging and other high impact stuff are out. I am going to skip Zumba for now - the twisting and turning always makes it hurt for days afterward. Spinning is my main cardio. Maybe I'll get a punch bag. You don't need good knees to punch, right? And I will keep working on slowly losing this extra weight.

I gotta say I have been really bloody emotional about this knee verdict. It is hard not to beat myself up for all the things I did to get to this point. I am seriously mourning squats and roundhouse kicks.

But I must let go and focus on what I can do. So onward to February! My aims are: kneehab,  continue the astoundingly consistent exercise routine, and be more disciplined with the food diary.

Eleven years + 2012 plans

Today this blog turns the crusty age of eleven!

Huuuuge thanks to everyone who still reads this thing - from 2001 die-hards to kind strangers to family to friends to random googlers to lovely lurkers to bewildered colleagues... you RAWK!

. . .

I haven't made any 2012 resolutions aside from "wear lipstick more often". I'll be 35 this year - any day now my aging kissers will start disappearing into a thin line of disapproval. Gotta make the most of it while I can! ;)

In terms of health and fitness my project is "keep the mind attached to the body".

The plan of action is the same plan as 2011. It's a good, sensible, enjoyable plan, dagnabbit! I just have to stick to it when stressful stuff happens. As I said in September:

"I need to keep working on why my Mega Stress repsonse still seems to be... Stop Doing The Healthy Things."

In times of Mega Stress, that's when you need the Healthy Things the most. But nooo! I tend to abandon the meal planning, stop checking in with hunger levels/feelings before I eat, get slack with exercise. I don't write in the food diary because I don't want to acknowledge what I'm putting away. The mind and body disconnect. Instead of tuning in to the emotions I seem to go out of my way to tune out.

I'm in a stronger place than I was a year ago - when things get crappy I don't tend to slam my fist on the Self-Destruct button anymore... I just kinda tap on the Denial one. Ha ha. I will make progress this year. I seriously want to. My dodgy knee is not doing well with this extra poundage. I know from the first part of 2011 that I have a plan on which I can lose weight slowly, steadily and sanely.

I think it's just going to take practice. Everything I've read about emotional eating - from people as diverse as Geneen Roth to Jillan Michaels - all say in one way or another that eating mindfully is a habit that you have to keep working on. It takes practice to sit with crappy emotions instead of chomping them into oblivion. So I'm going to keep practicing and keep doing the monthly updates here, and let's see if we can keep the mind from wandering away from the ol' body!

Enough of my ramblings... be sure to come back tomorrow when the 11th Birthday Sell-Out begins! There is so much goodness to be won.

2011 Wrap-Up

Final monthly update on the 2011 New Year Goals.

It's January 6 and already 2011 feels so last year. Well. You know what I mean! Anyway, a quick wrap-up.

December review:

• "I have something on every day until Christmas, so the aim is to enjoy the remaining festivities but not go crazy with it." Whoops. I ate quite a lot over the holiday period. I really enjoyed it though. Hehe.

December highlights:

• Yoga, Meditation & Mulled Apple Juice - our yoga teacher filled the room with candles for a very chillaxed final class of the year. After the stretchy bit we had clementines, mince pies and hot mulled apple juice. Cosy!
• Boxing Day Jillian Michaels workout - my sister and I bitched and whined our way through Shed & Shred. Combined with walks and Pilates, I finally killed off the Christmas Of Sloth tradition.

2011 highlights:

I wrote a post on my non-fat blog about the non-fat highlights, but here are the health/fitnessy ones:

• Not gaining any weight! That might sound lame to you but after the large gains of 2009-10 it feels like progress. There were wobbles in the latter part of the year, and thanks to festive over-indulgence I finished 2011 a whooping... one pound lighter than I started it. I reckon the structured mindfulness-style plan I set out last January is still sound, and with a few tweaks my 2012 task will be to apply it consistently. More on that next time.
• Cycletta - still can't believe I road a bike on a road.
• Pilates - I started class in January, attended consistently all year long and I'm so much stronger in the abba dabba region. Underneath the belly rolls, it's pure power I tells ya! Now to apply Pilates consistency to other areas of life.
• Feeling groovy. I feel like I've had a brain swap. 2011 was a year of contrasts - zingy highs with some scary lows - and I've become much better at dealing with things. It was a good year.

New Years Goals Check-in: November

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals.

Here we go with the 11th installment for 2011. I hope you guys don't mind these monthly posts, but it helps keep me from wandering off!

November review:

• Get through the month without stabbing anyone. Check. I ended up getting a sunrise alarm clock! Will report back on its effectiveness soon.
• Be consistent with my food tracking. I'm using Weight Loss Resources this month, at slowest rate of weight loss (½ pound per week).  Check. Kinda. 50% success: I'd track Monday - Thursday then fizzle out over the weekend. But I lost 2 pounds so I met the weight loss target and though slow, it felt sustainable.

Other November highlights:

• Finishing NaNoWriMo! Ten years after the first effort, it was good fun spewing out 50,000 words of utter bollocks.

December plans:

• I have something on every day until Christmas, so the aim is to enjoy the remaining festivities but not go crazy with it. The first 10 days of December have been overly indulgent (why did my boss have to make the world's most delicious stollen? I normally hate anything marzipanish but this was bloody amazing). I want to finish 2011 feeling positive, dagnabbit, rather than being a sugar zombie. Woohoo!

December highlight so far: Edinburgh Santa Run (Walk :))

New Years Goals Check-in: October

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals.

Late again! I could almost write you a Quarter of November review. Highlight of November thus far: seeing an episode of The Simpsons I'd never seen before! It was Homer of Seville, in which Homer develops the ability to sing opera after falling into an open grave, with sexy results.

October review

• Kick butt on new post-Cycletta exercise plan (spinning, weights, Pilates) Check!
• Keep up the exercise during the Royal Mothership Visit Aye!
• Watch the portion sizes and really pay attention to the hunger signals. Yep! Despite that the scale did not budge. I think it was all the restaurant meals - even eating mindfully it was a lot richer than everday food. Plus there was that giant bag of marshmallows... and the birthday cake(s). Okay. No surprises there.
• Continue work on Operation Morning Person. Indeedily! Averaging 7.45am, which is an improvement on the old 8.24 panic, but not early enough to do anything productive before I go to work. So this month I am going for 7.30. Don't laugh, all you proper early birds! A gradual approach is needed when trying to reform decades of snooze buttoneering.
• I also started an awesome new yoga class and roped Gareth into coming with me. We'll teach that bloke to relax if it kills me!

November plans

• Get through the month without stabbing anyone. Here we go with Scottish Winter Number 9 and the annual "should I get one of those sunrise alarm clock thingies or is it just an overpriced lightbulb" debate.
• Be consistent with my food tracking. I'm using Weight Loss Resources this month, at slowest rate of weight loss (½ pound per week). We've established I can maintain weight but I'll be honest - I want some proper progress before the year is out. It's vanity and it's belly rolls annoying me at yoga. So time to pay closer attention to what I'm eating but without being crazy dame about it.

New Years Goals Check-in: September

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals.

The rest of September went well. No more mindless munching and a better handle on the basics. About bloody time! The mission has been, as a friend put it, "keep your head attached to your body"... no more retreating from reality when things are kinda stressful and uncertain. Good food and exercise endorphins go a long way. DERR!

October plans:

• Kick butt on new post-Cycletta exercise plan (spinning, weights, Pilates)
• Keep up the exercise during the Royal Mothership Visit (she touches down on Tuesday! Quick, scrub the bathroom!)
• Watch the portion sizes and really pay attention to the hunger signals. Still overdoing it at times.
• Continue work on Operation Morning Person. It's about the fifteenth attempt since I started this blog! But this time I've racked up two whole weeks of getting out of my scratcher at a respectable time, i.e. not half an hour before I have to run screaming out the door for work.

In other news: I've been nominated for Shape Magazine’s 2011 Best Blogger Awards in the Favorite Weight Loss Blog category. I'm but one on a long list of kickarse blogs so if you're looking for new reads why not have a gander. If you fancy voting all you have do is click and vote - no pound of flesh or email address required!

Bon weekend, groovers!

Cycletta Report

I woke up Sunday morning feeling ready to spew, the usual nervous routine! I choked down a bowl of porridge while trying not to look at Gareth and Gillian's cooked breakfasts... the sight of scrambled eggs and greasy sausages was totally giving me the boak!

Off to lovely Tatton Park. There were over 800 women taking part in Cycletta on all manner of bikes. We started in waves of ten. I did a cheerful "woohoo!' as we whizzed over a cattle grid then down through the park, sunlight streaming through the tree-lined paths. Then out onto the big bad open road!

First two miles were fast and fun, grinning to myself at the visual of chunky me on clunky mountain bike and tiny Gillian on her tiny Brompton folding bike.

Then Gillian says, "We're going pretty fast, don't overdo it now!". Good advice, whoops! I felt awful during Miles 4-6. My rubbish knee burned on every downstroke, I had that shooting pain in my glute and my stomach felt dodgy. I couldn't take my eyes off the bike computer, doing fractions to figure out how far there was to go.

Then a bunch of speedy women whooshed past in the opposite direction, already on their way back to the finish line (part of the course was a loop). They yelled "KEEP GOING!" in such cheery tones I wanted to slap them. Then I got overtaken by a woman on a poncy bike with a freakin' wicker basket!

"Well isn't that just DANDY!" I sputtered to Gillian, feeling really really cranky and lardy.

Then I remembered that I'd vowed to enjoy the moment as it was happening, instead of having to enjoy it retrospectively as I always do with these things! So I had stern talk with self... Dude... you've travelled a stupid long way for this and you have dragged your friend and husband with you, and you trained for ages and people have sponsored you and do you REALLY want to look like a whiny brat... so SUCK IT UP cupcake! Turn this around!

I made a conscious effort to look at the scenery, feel the air on my skin, notice how strong my legs felt, just really ABSORB everything going on... thinking about how good it felt not to be sitting brooding on the couch wishing life could be different.

We got to Mile 9 and I said to Gillian, "Make a note! Mile 9 and I'm enjoying it!"

Mile 10 was a food stop. I really didn't want to stop but I needed the loo. Admired my beetroot face in the port-a-loo mirror. They had lots of crappy chocolate and sweets which I avoided (memories of dodgy stomach at Moonwalk '08!) and had some orange segments instead... lovely!

The remaining 14 miles were BLOODY FANTASTIC. Sure I was dying on some of the hills, I hesitated too long at an intersection and nearly got barrelled by a car, my chain came off at mile 15, I got stung by a wasp at mile 16...

Sample only. Not actual wasp.

...but I felt so alive and kept thinking, enjoy this enjoy this enjoy this. We rolled past quaint pubs, cottages with thatched roofs and climbing roses, wholesome people on horses... and a dead badger. Poor bugger. Oooh, and I even overtook a few people!

"Make a note!" I yelled to Gillian, "Mile 22 and still loving it!"

Finally we were back in the Park! There was a sneaky bit where we thought it was over but there was another half mile loop to go... my knee was sore and I felt like I'd been kicked in the lady parts, despite padded saddle and padded shorts and a naturally padded arse. But then I saw the finish line! I was woohooing like a deranged woman. FINISHED!

Dr G was waiting nearby. "Soooo?"

"IT WAS BRILLIANT!"

He looked absolutely stunned. "Well! Never thought I would ever hear such a positive statement out of you while straddling a velocipede!" Bwahahaaaaa. Smart arse.

I looked at my bike computer: 02:01:39, average 11.8 mph! Sooo much faster than my training... all thanks to lack of Scottish hills + unbridled enthuasism ;)

Then I got a text with my official time: 40km/24miles in 02:10:24 - of course the bike computer paused while I was on loo break/chain fixing/wasp swatting. Still... SO PLEASED with that as the snaily pace of my training rides indicated a 2.5 - 3 hour finish.

Cycletta was a great event, very well organised. It was heartening to see so many women across a wide range of ages, shapes and cycling experience - it was a very welcoming, non-intimidating atmosphere. I'd been really worried after the event lost its closed roads status, but the marshalls made it feel very safe.

But most of all I owe the feeling of safety to The Amazing Gillian. 24 miles is a warmup for her so she just freakin' rocks for coming along and helping me not get run over. Thank you so much comrade! Also have to say a huge thank you to Gareth, for not stabbing me on the training rides. You rawk!

So, I'm really happy with how it went and glad I got over my internal BS and enjoyed it while it was happening!

Afterthoughts...
Three days later I'm still feeling delirious and so fired up to keep going. I want to keep working on my Fear Of The Road and my inability to do hand signals. I also feel a new sense of purpose for getting back in shape - it's hard work hauling so much booty up the hills, I tell you.

It sounds so cheesy and perhaps quite pathetic, but this experience has reminded me that I am worth taking care of. That life is so much better when you treat your mind and body with kindness and respect, not dulling the edges with rubbish food and inactivity. It takes work to feel good, but I'm feeling like I am worth making that effort.

Why has it taken so long to remember this? To really feel it and believe it deep down? I really don't know. But I'm going to roll with it!

Disclosure: I was offered a "media place" on the Cycletta event thus my entry fee was waived. Click here for full details.

ETA: While I added a cheeky link in the post above, I wanted to shout out properly that I raised a few quid for the MS Society. Huge thanks to my family and pals who sponsored! If anyone out there fancies supporting this great cause, here's my link to donate. You can find out more about the work the Society does to provide information and support as well as funds for multiple sclerosis research on their website, www.mssociety.org.uk.

New Years Goals Check-in: August

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals.

Not posting an August update on September 15 is a sure fire sign that August was rather rubbish and I wanted to get my act together before writing again!

In summary: exercise good, eating not good for latter half of the month. I dunno what to say, things have been messy around here and I pretty much temporarily abandoned the Basic Tools o' Healthy Living. I didn't register it properly until I hopped on the scales and saw I was five pounds up, wiping out months and months of slow and steady progress. I'd almost forgotten how quickly I can stack it on if I stop paying attention. It reminded me of a rapid gain five years ago:

"You're like a Marvel comic," said the Scottish Companion in awed tones... "The Amazing Expanding and Contracting Woman!"

The déjà vu lead to a Spiral of Blogging Doom...

At the pointy end of the Spiral is Blogging Paralysis. Have you ever experienced this condition? It's where you stare blankly at the computer with imaginary reader voices swirling around your head...

• Random Person A: "You're being too tough on yourself!"
• Random Person B: "You need to get tough with yourself!"
• Anonymous: "HA HA told u you'd fail and ur still failing... lardy!"
• Ex-Boyfriends: "Good lord, I totally dodged a bullet"
• Work Colleagues: "That explains the crumbs on the keyboard"
• Gareth: "Typo in paragraph three"

While struck dumb, blog wise, I've been getting back into the swing of things. A few rough weeks does not mean doom. I need to keep working on why my Mega Stress repsonse still seems to be... Stop Doing The Healthy Things. But just focusing on the helpful actions: exercise no matter what, cosy porridge to start the day off right, back to the food diary, tuning into the hunger, getting enough sleep. Yes I feel like a nong to still be writing about this stuff, but I guess this is how it is. Fall down, get up, repeat til the end?

Cycletta: 7 weeks to go!

Time flies when you're huffing and puffing up hills in the very lowest gear... only seven weeks til the Cycletta bike ride!

There is now route information on the website:

Cycletta North's 38.5km route is somewhat deceptive. Unlike its sister in the South, Cycletta North is a series of gradual inclines and declines, turns and straights, so you'll have to keep your wits about you and push throughout.

Dagnabbit! I swear I'd read before, "gently undulating hills". It must have been either wishful reading or I'd read the Cycletta South blurb by mistake. Oh well. There's still seven weeks to go. And 38.5km is a whole 1.5km less than originally thought, even if it the route requires wit-keeping and pushing throughout.

Besides, there is a refreshment stop half way round the course. It's not the Olympics! It is a fun and friendly event. And so far the training is doing exactly what I was hoping it would do - making me not dread getting on the bike. It can be quite exhilarating at times... the wind in my hair, the pollen up my nose; eyes blurry with hayfever tears...

Aside from being unable to get up a hill without using all the gears, the descending also needs work. Braking the entire way down can't be doing the brakes any favours. And my right calf is forever streaked with grease as I seem to press it into the chain on the way down, as if that will stop me flying over the handlebars. No matter how many times Gareth tells me this will not happen ("You are not above the laws of physics!") I can't let go!

New Years Goals Check-in: July

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals.

July highlights

• Exercise consistency - giddyup! July's initial motivation was a slight SHAME JOB! feeling - the Summer Up & Runners have been busting their arses 3x week and I didn't want to feel slack! But the motivation is now, "coz it feels good and it makes me less grumpy". Can't go wrong with that.
• Cycletta training - I had a few weekends away so alas it was mostly on the spinning bike, but I was consistent and I can feel my fitness improving.
• Seeing a lovely osteopath about my dodgy knee and lower back - after "working around" the pain for about five years. Good to finally understand what's going on.

July lowlights

• Feeling rotten after the first osteopath visit due to these humbling realisations:
  
  • the obesity/weight loss/regain rollercoaster has taken its toll on the bod
  • denial/"working around" the problem for years made the knee so much bloody worse than it had to be
  • kickboxing is off the cards for now.

But I got past the gloom pretty quick, and now focusing on what I CAN do. It doth suck that kickboxing and kettlebells are out for the momemnt (all the squat-esque kettlebell moves anyway)... but Pilates, cycling and upper body weights are IN, baby!

I might look into a punching bag to help with the kickboxing withdrawals. Or just gently clobber Gareth to save money. Not really. Don't call the cops!

August plans: Cleaner eating. There's no getting round the fact that my joints would be happier if I was 20 kilos lighter. I've held steady the past two months and I'd like to make some more progress now. No crazy schemes, just making sure I check in with those portion sizes and hunger signals. I slackened off with that a bit in July.

New Years Goals Check-in: June

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals.

We're 50% done with 2011! 

June highlights

• Kettlebell Love. Wow that weird lump of iron makes you feel like such a badass. But a lot of the love is for lazy reasons. There's only one item to deal with: no faffing around switching plates on a barbell or putting dumbbells away afterwards. Makes it easier to get past the "I don't wanna" tantrums!
• Bike Non-Hate. I cycled up my very first hill without stopping this month. I know most people achieve this when they're 8 years old, but one must celebrate the victories. I had to use the very lowest gear but at least I got up the bloody thing. I attribute the attitude improvement to this wee cycling computer. Now I can geek out on how fast (okay, how slow) I am going and how far I've been.
• Six months of Food Mood Journal Spreadsheet completeness. Nerdgasms ahoy!
• Six months of not gaining weight and actually very slowly losing, without being an obsessed dieting crazy lady. That feels great after steadily expanding for so long.

June lowlight

• I completely unravelled for about ten days. There have been some challenging times lately and I managed to carry on with the mindful habits for a good while, but for awhile this month I lost it. It started innocently with running out of yogurt for breakfast leading to me deciding to buy a pastry from Starbucks, then a chocolate after lunch, then skipping a few workouts, then feeling really crap then just wallowing that feeling. And while being aware of exactly why I felt crap (which is progress in some ways), I decided to continue feeling crap by making poor choices, not planning meals, ignoring hunger signals and not pausing to think before I ate.

The positives: I've returned to the healthy habits so much faster than previous setbacks. I'm back to Tuning In and the meal planning is sorted so July is looking better.

Mid-Term Review
It's been a modest kind of year so far. But when I think about my mental state and the inability to breathe in my jeans back on January 1, it feels like real progress.

July plans

• Improved consistency with strength training - twice a week minimum. Need to remember how much I enjoy it when thinking of ditching it for a cuppa and a book!
• Cycling cycling and more cycling. There's only three months til Cycletta, eep.

Hope you're all well... thank you gazillions for reading. Apologies for the cobwebs on the blog lately!

New Years Goals Check-in: May

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals.

I'm a wee bit stunned that I've made it to a fifth New Years Goals Check-In. Part of me thought it would have all gone to pot by now! But I guess keeping the goals small and sane has ensured they are do-able.

May highlights

• The biggest highlight was, derr, the Fitbloggin conference. For both the people I met and the feeling of renewed enthuasism for living that I left with. Holy cornballs, Batman. But after a year or two in the wildnerness, the stinky depression and the utter disconnection from my body, I finally felt like I was all joined up again. I felt like I was actually there. Cool.
• I accidentally started salsa lessons! My pal Claire and I went to try a new Zumba class this week and they had a special offer - stay for the salsa class afterwards for only £1. We's planned to dash off to kickboxing afterwards but I've always wanted to try salsa so I put down that extra pound. BARGAIN!
• The class went on and on for 90 minutes and with the hectic hour of Zumba beforehand I was utterly knackered but it was so much bloody fun. I was so busy trying to follow the steps that the time just zapped by. Four days later my hip and stomach muscles are still singing!
• I'm definitely back into those size 18 jeans. Although I bought new jeans from a different shop the other day and they were a 20. So the labels are meaningless as we have recently bitched about, but the takeaway here is that a pair of jeans that couldn't be wrestled over my stomach in January now fit great.
• I went to the USA for a week and lost a pound. Last time I went to the USA for a week I gained ten pounds. Progress!
• The food diary, meal planning, consistent exercising and pause-to-think-before-eating are still going well.

June is going to be about blowing the dust and rust off my bike, dabbling with kettlebells and testing the limits of the food processor with vast amounts of instant frozen yogurt. What are you getting up to this month?

New Year Goals Check-In: April

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals. ONE THIRD of 2011 is now done and dusted!

The lovely Jennette wrote on her blog today:

I have often wondered if someone who's lost a ton of weight has to become a fitness and health fanatic for the rest of their life to keep it off, or if they can just integrate it into a normal part of the life that is not any more or less important than other things in their life.

Recently I was emailling with some podcast listeners about the Maintenance episode and we were pondering pretty much the same thing. The thought of having to be "hardcore" for the rest of your life was just totally depressing, quite frankly. But I've been thinking about it and I reckon what I've been doing this year is sustainable and realistic - healthy but not hardcore.

Sure, progress is happening at a glacial pace and thus I too shall be fat at Fitbloggin next week (loved Jennette's post there - ditto to all that!). But I feel so peaceful and positive right now, and a helluva lot happier than I did when I got to my so-called Happy Weight a few years ago.

Reasons why:

• I'm not constantly thinking about food
• I no longer feel like I'm on any sort of wagon, poised to fall off at the slightest wobble
• I'm getting better every day at pausing before I eat to decide whether I am really hungry
• I no longer fear losing control around food
• There's no good or bad foods anymore. I'm starting to observe how different foods make me feel and choosing accordingly. Lately my body makes the choices more often than my mind, if that makes sense!?
• I can now recognise when I am feeling upset or angry or tired rather than hungry. Sometimes I still eat anyway, but the ability to pinpoint the real emotion just plain rawks!
• I'm getting better at doing what I need to do to feel sane and happy and not worrying about what others may think
• I am getting better at being honest with myself e.g. Are you really sooooo busy or just can't be arsed to go kickboxing? 
• I'm getting better at dealing with problems and issues as they arise, instead of letting them rot and/or eating to supress the feelings.

All this progress feels SO HUGE to me but the changes aren't quite as big on the outside yet. I have no idea where all this will lead in terms of my size. I feel it is more important to keep working on the problem, rather than the symptom. The emotional eating, not the weight loss. I don't want to screw that up and get all obsessive just to get back into The Jeans of 2007.

I'll be honest. I would like to lose some weight, simply to have more choice of clothes and to have less wobbles in the way when I exercise. But I am prepared to be patient and focus on being consistent and sane. Ahhhhhhhh :)

April highlights (aside from the Zumba ferret dude of course):

• I hit my goal of exercising consistently, until the 'flu and a very loud and annoying cough slayed me in the last week
• I hit my goal of consistently planning meals. Amazing how that half an hour of effort every fortnight brings so much freaking CALM and order to everyday life
• I lost a grand total of one pound
• Food diary is still humming along. I tell you it is so satisfying to a spreadsheet lover to see four months of entries filled in!

Hope your May is going smashingly so far!

New Year Goals Check-In: February

I'm doing monthly updates on my New Year Goals. 1/6th of 2011 is gone. Yikes.

Once again I'm late with the monthly update. Aside from feeling lame talking about this stuff with earthquakes and tsunamis going on, I've also been in the kind of overly emotional mood where it's best to steer clear of blogging. The kind of mood where one says or does ill-advised things, as per this hilarious tweet I saw from writer Sali Hughes:

February was a good month with some nice small victories.

• I spent a long weekend in Paris with Dr G (my birthday gift to him - "Here, have an Easyjet ticket! Yeah, I'm coming too!" Everyone's a winner.) and I didn't put on any weight. Blow me down with a feather, I ate mindfully in the land of pastry and cheese.
• I started a Pilates class! For the past four years I've pined for the weekly class we had when I worked at the House of Sport. I finally found a place on a Beginners course (yep, back to Beginner level, d'oh) and really loving it.
• I lost a couple of pounds.
• Food diary still going strong.

Things that didn't go as well:

• Very inconsistent with exercise in the early part of the month.
• Got sloppy with meal planning post Paris. It really helps to buy some bloody groceries!

I am happy with my glacial progress. I'm working more on the exercise and planning this month, but overall it feels like I'm devoting the right level of brain power to the task. There are still the PMS-y moments of I should do more panic, but I know that would mean taking away time and energy from other parts of my life and would no doubt trigger nutty behaviour and serious overeating. So I'll keep plodding along.

It felt like amazing progress to walk around in Paris and not have my guts knotted with regret for stuffing my face nor fear that I'd blown a diet. Instead, somehow I was able to switch off the lard-related chatter in my brain and focus on being there. It sounds cheesy but for the past few years I've not properly savoured some really cool moments because I was too caught up in angstypants thoughts.

This time I tried to focus on all five senses, not just taste. The tiny details of the Notre Dame. The echo of our voices when the river boat went under a bridge. The bright smell of a Vietnamese dinner. The flaky pastry of a chausson aux pommes dissolving on my tongue. The icy night air in my lungs as I raced Gareth around the Louvre pyramids on our bike tour. Gareth's yelp of pain when I accidentally rode too close and stabbed him with my handlebar. The unfortunate stink of that dog poo I failed to ride around.

Good times, people. Good times!

This photo is rubbish but you get the idea!

New Year Goals Check-In: January

I thought I'd do a monthly update on my New Year Goals. 1/12 of 2011 is already gone, by crikey! Well, a wee bit more now since it's taken me til February 10 to write the update.

I'll probably be mowed down by a bus for admitting this, but January was great. I can't believe that I'm actually feeling positive, purposeful and full of hope. It's been years since I felt like this. Years since I sincerely cared. Years since I properly wanted to, and believed, that I can make changes and see things through. I dunno why it's happened but I like it!

It feels different this time though, because the motivations are healthier. I'm doing this for me and not fretting about what other people think*. Not like 2001 with the "must lose weight to be a presentable member of society" feeling or the panicky "must lose weight to be bookworthy" angst of the last few years. Every day when I decide how to spend my time it's all, Righto Shaundogg! What do you want to do? What will make you feel best, mind and body?

Well! I don't want to get all woo-woo touchy-feely now, so let's bust out some bullet points.

• Food Diary - completed 41 days on the trot now!
• Exercise - focusing on fun rather than punishing regimes. After a year of hiding in the Beginners group or not going at all, I'm back at the "Big Girls' Class" at kickboxing, which is my pal Claire's nickname for the Advanced class. I can't keep up with the prize fighters but huffing along regardless and the old kickboxing love is returning.
• Meal planning - why the bloody heck did I ever stop doing this? It's ace having all the meals and tasty snacks sorted. Knowing my true love Green & Blacks is waiting in the pantry at home helps me back away from lesser confections.
• Accountability - I've said to friends and colleagues, "Well, as you know I've stacked on some weight; but now I'm back on track so that's why I'm laying off the cakes". Saying it out loud has been very helpful and refreshing.
• Mindfulness Stuff - Ace! Recently I had the most ratty rat arse of a day at work. My heart thumped and my cheeks burned with crankiness. Then a thought popped up: "This is the moment when you usually head to the vending machine or go out and buy something decadent for lunch to take the edge off."
  
  It was gobsmacking to recognise the feeling BEFORE I'd mindlessly munched a chocolate bar. I went outside for some fresh air, pulled cranky faces at a tree (dunno where that came from) and felt a little better. When you've been trapped in a fog of emotional eating for so long, it is amazing to realise you can ride out a shitty feeling; that you don't have to distract yourself from it.
• Random January Consumption Statistics: 28 tangerines, 16 bowls of porridge, 33 slices of bread, 94 cups of tea!

* There was one January moment of worrying about what other people thought. Surprise surprise, during the throes of PMS. Out came the Ghost of Diets Past: You could do better! You should cut more calories! Bust some serious poundage before Fitbloggin so you're not so lardy in front of the Americans!

But we'll have none of that! The calm and steady approach must continue. The blinkers are off and I'm cool with where I am right now, in a daggy size 20 pair of jeans, and I'll slowly work my way down...

(Yes, size bloody 20. Remember in the Spreadsheets entry where I wrote about my size 18 party dress being too tight? I thought later, "how about I just admit the size 18 jeans are starting to cut off my circulation too?". I bought a bigger pair the next day. It was soul-crushing to see that number on the tag, but much more comfy!)

... So there will be no miracle transformation in time for Fitbloggin. I'm building a good, sustainable set of tools here and I'm not going to muck that up. I did lose a few pounds in January but that's not the focus. It's all about a healthier relationship with food and practicing the mindfulness malarkey. I doooooo not want to get crazy obsessive and make my whole life about weight loss like I did back in 2001. There are more important and fun things to do; more productive uses for my energy.

February has also been good thus far. The plan is to just keep on trucking. I know I'll get back to my happy weight all in good time. GIDDYUP!

Ten years ago today...

... I was in Canberra, Australia, bawling my heart out on the scales at Weight Watchers then racing home to write about it on an anonymous patch of internet. Today I was in Edinburgh, Scotland, significantly smaller, allegedly wiser and meeting my friend and former virtual running coach Julia in person for the first time. Memo to concerned citizens of 2001: turns out the internet is not entirely full of perverts and axe murderers!

My mind boggles when I think how much has changed since that gutwrenching day Down Under. This blog has been a great companion through the ups and downs. All week long (between the flood watching and workplace panic) I was mentally composing spectacular, deeply poignant commemorative posts... but in typical fashion I never got round to writing anything.

Now it's late and I'm a wee bit red wine merry, so I will just say how glad I am to have grown older and realised that there is so much more to me and life than the size of my jeans. And a huge thank you to everyone who has stopped by over the past ten years. Thank you for all your comments and emails and friendships and ideas and all-round goodness. It has truly been a blast.

There Will Be Spreadsheets

Happy new year comrades! Hope your 2011 is off to a cracking start.

Things were rather crapful, healthwise, in the last six weeks of 2010. I was about as mindful as bulldozer! While there was some brilliant bits (good times with friends and family, progress on a groovy new web project) but there were also very messy bits - workplace madness, my 6th major cold of the year and the re-emergence of that old self-destructive streak. I dropped the ball completely and just did not have any interest in looking after myself. I took to hiding in the bath tub with the bubbles a foot high so I could pretend I didn't have a body. Next thing my rubbish bin was jangling with the sound of foil wrappers from chocolate coins and the size 18 dress I reluctantly wore for a summer wedding was now too tight to wear to a party. D'oh.

I've come out the other side now after a couple of weeks off work and some time to rest and think. I learned so much in 2010 with the shrink visits and mindfulness stuff - many lightbulbs went off. But I wasn't able to translate those lightbulbs into meaningful, lasting changes.

The missing element was a plan. It's not enough to realise you have work to do - you have to figure out how the hell you're going to do it. Otherwise I could see myself muddling on forever, slightly more aware of why I do the things I do, but still bloody doing them!

So it was time for action. I spent Boxing Day mapping out a wee strategy. I thought I'd talk about the lard-related bits of it on here...

Food Diary
Yeah, that old chestnut! But it works for me. When I acknowledge and document what I eat, I'm thoughtful with my choices and more likely to tune into hunger signals. When I don't, I do okay for a while but then I get sloppy with portion sizes, then unhealthy choices creep in, then it's "quick, noone's looking!" mode, then the slide into all-out denial.

All year the shrink tried to get me to fill in a diary and I never stuck with it. I don't know if it was because a) I didn't want her to see how bad my "mistakes" could be (interesting to seek the approval of someone you're paying), or b) I didn't want to acknowledge what I was eating, because it might mean giving up the fleeting diversion of eating rubbish. Maybe both?

I've realised since, that I just have to buckle down and DO IT, but in a way that suits me. Which leads us to...

The Spreadsheet
The food diary is a Google Docs spreadsheet. It's inspired by the paper Food/Mood journal the shrink gave me, but I'm finding it so much easier to update on the computer or phone. One row per day with columns for meals and observations. The document is shared with a good friend who's on a similar path - we have a tab each and check in on the other's progress daily so theres no scope for slacking off. And so on to...

Accountability & Real World Support
Getting help from a professional is great but in many ways it's an expensive way of talking to yourself. You can dump all your woes in the session, walk out of the office and kind of leave it there and not really do anything with it back in the "real world".

I've always been most successful when I'm open about my eating struggles with those closest to me. My recent strategy of trying to fix things myself and pretending all was okay did not work, and was no doubt unconvincing for my loved ones as I slowly inflated before their very eyes.

So I've had some conversations with my nearest and dearest along the lines of, "Well, obviously I've been struggling a wee bit here. This is what I'm planning to do about it. Do you reckon you might like to buddy up on a food diary/go somewhere healthier for lunch/eat at the table instead of on the couch/etc etc etc?". Simple things, low key support, but for someone who has not wanted to acknowledge what was really going on to herself, let alone out loud to others, it was huge step forward. It had been very lonely on Planet Denial.

Planning
I'm back to the good old weekly meal planning. There's a spreadsheet for that too! Healthier meals but not boring, single spear of asparagus and a glass of air diet food. Normal, everyday food but remembering I don't need a mountain of rice and that toast doesn't have to come in pairs. This is becoming less of a drama each day now that I'm getting back to...

Mindfulness
The mindful eating tools and techniques I'd adopted last year were really helpful. I'd just stopped using them! So it's back to things like: tuning in to hunger levels before and during eating, putting my food on a plate and sitting down to eat it, exercising for enjoyment not punishment, etc etc etc.

Committment
I've got a combination of practical and mindful tactics, accountability measures and support. I'm ready to tackle this now. The black dog is back in his kennel! Unlike a year ago, addressing my eating now is not a diversion - the "designated issue" as Martha Beck calls it - because I've worked on the bigger issues.

That's enough baby steps for now, I reckon. Are you still awake?

Disclaimer: My pal Lainey is always bemused when I put disclaimers on my blog but I should show her the emails I get from folks insisting, "you're doing it wrong". So I'm disclaiming that this is the plan of action I have come up with based on what worked in the past combined with what I've learned since about my wily ways. I'm giving it a red hot go (one week down) and will reassess at the end of the month. Yee-ha!

Here we go again

Two thousand and ten. Rhymes with pen, den, hen, Sven, and Here We Go Again!*

Happy new year, groovers. Are you resolutioning this year?

Last year I made three No Year's Resolutions, a.k.a. The Minimum Standards Agreement:

1. Write down what I eat
2. Exercise a minimum 20 minutes a day and
3. 10.30PM internet curfew.

This started out excellently then degenerated as the year went on - especially the bloody internet curfew. I am bring the curfew is BACK as of now. Here be my vow! So we'll need better time management, no more eleventh hour deadlines, and less email and social media faffery.

I'm back on the case with Item 1, for both dietary and documentary reasons. I still like having a record of what I ate - words to transport you back to places and meals of yore, as opposed to obsessing over calorie counts.

Item 2 is back in place, technically. If you count incidental walking to and from the bus stop, I make the minimum! This year the goal is to chill out. I'm cutting back my gym sessions from four to just two (both kickboxing) and the rest will all be done at home. I ran myself stupid last year trying to squeeze everything in, at the expense of other stuff. And I've missed the wee home "gym" so much. After three weeks of inertia I did a new Cathe DVD this week and pow, the home gym love was back. Especially the bit where I flopped to the floor for abdominals and got to stick my nose in the nice new clean carpet. Hubba hubba!

Last year I also resolved to read 52 books in 52 weeks... fail! I read 36 - still more books than I’d read in the past five years combined. I won’t be attempting this one again. I found myself picking easier or shorter books just so I could read them quicker! Where's the fun in that? This year I am just going to read whatever I fancy and to heck with the quantity. I want to start with a big fat Russian classic.

So no big goals for 2010, aside from properly addressing why 2009 became quite a shambles and being more thoughtful about how I do things. I want to think before I act - trying to say Yes to the right things and No to the wronguns.

I might make more concrete goals later in the year but right now I'm just enjoying the snow and the feeling of the world slowly coming back in to focus.

Thank you also for your comments on the last post, you rawk and it is always comforting to know you're not alone.

* your accent may vary.

No Year's Resolutions Update #2

I was meant to report back on my No Year's Resolutions at the end of April but now it's the middle of July and the year is more than half done! HALF DONE?

It is 10.33 PM so to continue this entry would be to break the Internet Curfew but I've not posted blogged for two weeks (attack of self-consciousness following series of unsavoury comments and emails) so I'm keen to break to seal, as it were. So will attempt to bash out an update by 10.45, when the computer is timed to explode if you're not off it.

The Minimum Standards Agreement Update

1. Writing Down My Food - did not happen in March as was eating my way around Australia. Did not happen in April and May due to unseasonal gloom. But by June I was back in business and remembering what a useful, calming exercise it is. I tend to do well Monday to Friday but slacken off on the weekend.
2. Exercise for a minimum of 20 minutes - Nae bad. I've even been doing yoga or pilates before work sometimes, as part of a campaign to get more bendy for kickboxing. But again, slackness on Sundays! Does weeding the garden count? How about watching Wimbledon or the MotoGP? I do a lot of blinking. That must burn 0.00056 calories per hour.
3. 10.30PM Internet Curfew - not good. Only obeying about 50% of the time, which leads to restless slumber then next-day crabbitness. Why don't I learn!?

On the non-fat goals front I'm chuffed with all the tiny "live in the moment, man!" things happening:

• On schedule to read 52 books in 52 weeks this year!
• Halfway through the process to getting my UK citizenship
• Started a herb garden
• Finally made a pizza from scratch! YEAST YOU DON'T SCARE ME NO MORE! (photo is of pizza #1; pizza #2 was round and pretty!)

They're also starting salsacise classes at my gym, which is the closest I'll get to my "take salsa classes" goal for a wee while since Dr G believes salsa classes are what desperate couples do to find the flame again when they're on the brink of divorce. Salsacise will do for now as I'm bored to death with my usual cardio. Cannae wait to get those hips moving.

Poor excuse for an entry I know, but it's 10.54PM. Did you make any resolutions in January? How're they coming along?

Rip it up and start again

Do you ever go through a phase were everything suddenly feels old or stale or just plain wrong? Your favourite foods give you no joy,  your favourite exercise class holds no appeal, not even a Grand Designs marathon on the telly gets your heart racing. You're twitchy and cranky and toying with the urge to stand up in a middle of an important meeting and bellow Homer Simpson style, BORRRRRRRING! before stalking off into the sunset?

There's been a stinky little pot of discontent brewing on my stove for a long while, but I don't think I really acknowledged it until I was away in Australia. The distance from the everyday grind helped me look back with more clarity. Spending time with lovely friends old and new and hearing them talk so passionately about their work and lives made me see that things aren't quite right.

I need new purpose and meaning and direction. I had some big ass dreams this last almost-decade - lose a little lard, go overseas, write a book that I felt such urgency to write. I never thought I'd actually do any of those things so it's bewildering to be here. It often feels like an accident, a series of fortunate coincidences that I didn't really deserve and after that really cool diversion I'm back with the real me, the same confused twerp of my teens and twenties.

Then there is a small and hopeful part that believes I must have more to offer to the world, that I can feel alive and engaged and passionate again instead of barely there with the annoying black dog humping my leg and licking my face.

I don't have the answers yet so can't tie this entry up in a neat little package but I do feel hopeful after my trip Down Under. I'm ready to do stuff to help clear my mind and move forward, instead of just dozing on the train to Tedium Town.

Right now I am shaking things up in small ways; throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. I am going out into the (limited) sunshine. I am reading a book called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, how sad does that sound? (Thanks LBTEPA :) I'm looking at my neglected 43 Things list to remember things I want to do and reflect on things I've done to remind me I am capable of being bold and digging myself out of holes.

Just wanted to say again, thank you everyone for reading and writing all these years. It means an awful lot.