The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl

No Year's Resolutions Update #2

I was meant to report back on my No Year's Resolutions at the end of April but now it's the middle of July and the year is more than half done! HALF DONE?

It is 10.33 PM so to continue this entry would be to break the Internet Curfew but I've not posted blogged for two weeks (attack of self-consciousness following series of unsavoury comments and emails) so I'm keen to break to seal, as it were. So will attempt to bash out an update by 10.45, when the computer is timed to explode if you're not off it.

The Minimum Standards Agreement Update

1. Writing Down My Food - did not happen in March as was eating my way around Australia. Did not happen in April and May due to unseasonal gloom. But by June I was back in business and remembering what a useful, calming exercise it is. I tend to do well Monday to Friday but slacken off on the weekend.
2. Exercise for a minimum of 20 minutes - Nae bad. I've even been doing yoga or pilates before work sometimes, as part of a campaign to get more bendy for kickboxing. But again, slackness on Sundays! Does weeding the garden count? How about watching Wimbledon or the MotoGP? I do a lot of blinking. That must burn 0.00056 calories per hour.
3. 10.30PM Internet Curfew - not good. Only obeying about 50% of the time, which leads to restless slumber then next-day crabbitness. Why don't I learn!?

On the non-fat goals front I'm chuffed with all the tiny "live in the moment, man!" things happening:

• On schedule to read 52 books in 52 weeks this year!
• Halfway through the process to getting my UK citizenship
• Started a herb garden
• Finally made a pizza from scratch! YEAST YOU DON'T SCARE ME NO MORE! (photo is of pizza #1; pizza #2 was round and pretty!)

They're also starting salsacise classes at my gym, which is the closest I'll get to my "take salsa classes" goal for a wee while since Dr G believes salsa classes are what desperate couples do to find the flame again when they're on the brink of divorce. Salsacise will do for now as I'm bored to death with my usual cardio. Cannae wait to get those hips moving.

Poor excuse for an entry I know, but it's 10.54PM. Did you make any resolutions in January? How're they coming along?

Rip it up and start again

Do you ever go through a phase were everything suddenly feels old or stale or just plain wrong? Your favourite foods give you no joy,  your favourite exercise class holds no appeal, not even a Grand Designs marathon on the telly gets your heart racing. You're twitchy and cranky and toying with the urge to stand up in a middle of an important meeting and bellow Homer Simpson style, BORRRRRRRING! before stalking off into the sunset?

There's been a stinky little pot of discontent brewing on my stove for a long while, but I don't think I really acknowledged it until I was away in Australia. The distance from the everyday grind helped me look back with more clarity. Spending time with lovely friends old and new and hearing them talk so passionately about their work and lives made me see that things aren't quite right.

I need new purpose and meaning and direction. I had some big ass dreams this last almost-decade - lose a little lard, go overseas, write a book that I felt such urgency to write. I never thought I'd actually do any of those things so it's bewildering to be here. It often feels like an accident, a series of fortunate coincidences that I didn't really deserve and after that really cool diversion I'm back with the real me, the same confused twerp of my teens and twenties.

Then there is a small and hopeful part that believes I must have more to offer to the world, that I can feel alive and engaged and passionate again instead of barely there with the annoying black dog humping my leg and licking my face.

I don't have the answers yet so can't tie this entry up in a neat little package but I do feel hopeful after my trip Down Under. I'm ready to do stuff to help clear my mind and move forward, instead of just dozing on the train to Tedium Town.

Right now I am shaking things up in small ways; throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. I am going out into the (limited) sunshine. I am reading a book called I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, how sad does that sound? (Thanks LBTEPA :) I'm looking at my neglected 43 Things list to remember things I want to do and reflect on things I've done to remind me I am capable of being bold and digging myself out of holes.

Just wanted to say again, thank you everyone for reading and writing all these years. It means an awful lot.

No Year's Resolutions Update #1

It's March 1 - do you know where your New Years Resolution is? How's that for crappy grammar?

One sixth of 2009 is gone already so it's high time I checked in with my new year's goals, a.k.a. the 2009 Minimum Standards Agreement.

No Year's Resolutions

It's the obligatory new years post! I've decided not to set any Big Goals this year just yet. I want to slow down and get the Little Things right. 2008 was often shambolic and I know I can do things better - less panic, less grumbling on the couch, less abandoning of healthy habits when life gets busy! So instead of grand goals I came up with three basic daily things I must do:

2009 Minimum Standards Agreement!

1. Write down what I eat
2. Exercise for a minimum of 20 minutes
3. 10.30 PM Internet curfew!

8 Things To Do Before You Die

What do you want to do before you kick the tin? There was a time when "be smaller" was the primary ambition but thankfully I diversified and remembered there were always many other things I wanted to do.

Roni recently tagged me for a meme where you have to name eight of them. I hadn't properly put pen to paper since the Things To Do When I'm Skinny list of 2001, so it was nice to dream out loud.

1. Spend a summer traipsing around Europe in a caravan, following the Motorcycle Grand Prix season.


2. Stalk Follow Radiohead around the US on tour. Most likely not in a caravan.


3. Tour around Australia and New Zealand with Dr G.
   People often do this in a caravan, but after many summers stuck behind stinky slow-arse caravans in the Scottish Highlands, I don't know if we could join their ranks and live with ourselves.


4. Re-read every single Babysitter's Club book and see if I still identify with Claudia the most. Not because of her snappy dressing, just her penchant for hiding candy under her bed.


5. Learn to sew and knit and crochet. Clothes, curtains and those dolls you stick over rolls of toilet paper. Because is there anything more offensive in the world than a naked loo roll!?


6. Make a living from writing and/or a health/fitness/helping people sort of thing. A proper full-time living, not just a Breadloser one.
   
   How vague is that ambition? I need a mentor. Or a lobotomy.


7. Grow a vegetable garden.


8. Go on a road trip with Rhiannon and The Mothership when we're totally middle-aged and curmudgeonly and do nothing but eat scones and potter around antique shops.

I should add:

9. Rob a bank, to finance the above.

If anyone fancies joining in - what do you want to do before you drop off the twig? And make sure it has nothing to do with the size of your arse :)

UPDATE: I forgot that I want to learn to tango. The dance, not the carbonated beverage. And salsa. The dance, not the tomatoe-y dipping goo. And visit Italy, South America, France, Croatia, Japan, Jordan, Cambodia and lots of other bits. Travel on the Trans-Siberian railway. Learn to make sushi. Re-learn to drive (it is possible to forget). Overcome fear of sparring. Attend poncy cookery classes. TBC!

Wheels On Fire

How are you all 100 Pushups people going? I confess I only got round to starting this past Sunday. So far, so shaky! But what a novelty to have a challenge that takes 15 minutes instead of your entire bloody day. It's so quick that it's not even worth making excuses not to do it. Last night I did my pushups at midnight in Lancashire in a sad hotel room. My train had got in late as one of the engines CAUGHT FIRE... but I pressed on despite my brush with death*. How's that for commitment!?

One Hundred Push-Ups

Who's up for a new challenge? Andrew is taking on One Hundred Push-Ups. It looks to be the Couch to 5k of the push-up world, a six-week program designed to gradually build your strength for the mother of all moves. From the website:

"If you’re serious about increasing your strength, follow this six week training program and you’ll soon be on your way to completing 100 consecutive push ups! Think there’s no way you could do this? I think you can! All you need is a good plan, plenty of discipline and about 30 minutes a week to achieve this goal!"

Holy exclamation mark, Batman!

I like how they say "on your way" to completing 100 consecutive push ups, because right now my efforts are rather weak and wobbly and I'd be happy to work up to 20. We do a lot of push-ups in my kickboxing class but there's only so much you can progress with one class a week. I like the idea of a real concerted effort to improve - not only the quantity but the quality of the reps.

It's also a convenient wee challenge - I can do push ups anywhere, and unlike this stinking Moonwalk it's not going to take over my life. Or puff up my hands.

So I'm in, baby! I'm going to take the initial push up test tonight then start next Tuesday 17th, giving myself a couple of days to rejoin the living après-Moonwalk.

Anyone else fancy it? It'll be tops. And there's nothing quite like knocking out a few push ups to make you feel smug, strong and sexy.

Further reading on the joys of push-ups for young and old, large and small:

• New York Times - An Enduring Measure of Fitness: The Push Up
• Fitness Fixation - More Determined Than Ever
• Stumptuous - Mistressing The PushUp

(Proper entry re Moonwalk later today!)

Goals Goals Goals 2008

Righto. 2008 Goals! It's been a little weird this year because losing weight is no longer the mission. So where do we go from here?

Considerations

1. I am done bloody done with obsessing about weight, eating and exercise.
   HOWEVER...
2. My flesh really needs to stay within the confines of my clothes, due to the financial/social implications of bursting out of them.
   AND...
3. Given my long and colourful relationship with food, a certain watchfulness is required!

Because it never ends. There's never a moment when you lunge across the finish line and get a medal and a marching band plays a jaunty tune. But hopefully staying in my jeans won't have to be a dull and dirty task. I struggled in the latter half of 2007 when life got ultra-stressful, but I'm slowly getting it together again. For the first time in living memory I got through Christmas without gaining weight. It was odd but pleasant to start the new year without the usual bloated panic.

So my goals this year revolve around exercise. When I do the exercise, I feel happy in my skin. If I feel happy in my skin, I don't feel the desperate need to get lost in the biscuit tin. The goals incorporate a few things that really float my boat:

1. Cardio with Pals - cardio basically bores the shit out of me so involving friends makes it a social appointment instead of a chore
   
2. Physical and Mental Challenge - I feel wracked with Calvinist guilt if I rest on my laurels. I have to push on to new frontiers, especially frontiers that fill me with fear and dread... otherwise a piano will fall on my head for being idle and complacent!
   
3. Structure and Purpose - I've never felt so healthy and positive as during my 5K training back in 2005. I liked the schedule, the challenge, the inching towards a goal. I ate healthily because it made me run better, not because I was freaking over the scales. I want that feeling back again!

So my exercise goals are:

1. Keep on kickboxing - social and violent, how can you go wrong? I am determined to nail the spin kick without feeling the need to vomit.
   
2. Lift weights twice a week - CONSISTENCY, dammit! I was so stop-start last year that my overall strength didn't increase much. This year shall be different!
   
3. Stretchy stuff once a week - in previous years I always vowed to do it twice or more but it never happened. Time to be realistic. So one yoga or pilates DVD or a class if feeling adventurous.

And the big ones... fun fun fun...

4. Train for and complete the Edinburgh Moonwalk - a marathon-distance charity walk in June. Basically you start at midnight and pace 26.2 miles through the streets of Edinburgh in your bra (and shorts or trousers, naturally). Over ten thousand lassies doing it all for cancer research! We've got a wee team happening at work and I am dead excited - time for a new challenge. It will be long and tough but I will geek out with the training schedule!
    
5. Do the Sea to Sea cycle route - this is a popular 140 mile jaunt right across the north of England -- from Whitehaven on the Cumbrian coast to Tynemouth on the North Sea coast. Dr G did it last year and had a grand ol time, despite the big bad hill in the middle. I stupidly agreed to give it a crack in 2008. To be honest, I'm not sure about it at all. It's a truly laughable idea right now. I'll have some really bloody serious work to do, given my current Absolute Beginner status; the fear of going down hills and inability to pedal up them. Let alone cycling for a few days in a row. Hmmm. We're planning our trip for early September. Hmm hmm hmm. But it's ON THE LIST and out there baby, so I'll give it a red hot go!

2008: Rhymes With Great

At a party on New Years Eve 2006, I was watching the clock through a red wine haze and eating posh crisps with a poncy name. Caramelised Shallot And Taw Valley Cheddar, as I recall... in other words, cheese and onion!

It was 11.45 PM and I was thinking, As soon as the clock strikes midnight that is it. I hereby resolve to cut all the crap in 2007!

Then at 11.59 PM somebody cracked open a tub of Marks & Spencer Extremely Chocolatey Mini Bites.

I revised my strategy. Righto. Make that 1AM. After that I'm going STRAIGHT, darnit.

A few days later I emerged from my sugar 'n' lard coma and realised that making grand, lofty plans that lacked focus and relied on brain/willpower for success was not the best approach to New Years Resolutions.

So I made a new list. It was more goals than resolutions, specific and realistic ones. Cheesy SMART goals like they make you do on tedious corporate training days! Breaking down the huge and impossible into  digestible chunks.

It turned out a pretty good year. It still amazes me when that Baby Step stuff actually works. I had a blast trying out all those new activities - canoeing, kayaking, kickboxing, plus revisiting hill walking and yoga. My Flaming Knee Of Pain finally calmed down and I was more consistent with exercise. I didn't hit 75 kilos - all those sporty moments and various epiphanies led to me letting go of that scale fixation once and for all. And though that was never on any list, it turned out to be the most satisfying moment of this whole lard-busting caper.

All that said, the last few months of 2007 have been chaotic with the new job etc etc. I've been bumbling along, up and down. I'm like a crappy old computer -- you know when you have too many programs open and it's running so slow and sluggishly that you can practically see smoke rising? And then you push it harder and try to open PhotoShop. So it's clearly time for a reboot.

The merits of New Years Resolutions are oft-debated, but January 1 feels so crisp and clean, perfect for refocusing and thinking about what's next. Plus I like making lists. There's no greater nerdly pleasure than ticking stuff off from lists!

Two posts have really got me fired up for a fresh start: Sarah at Pink of Perfection and Erin at Angry Fat Girlz.

I still haven't quite figured out my own goals for 2008. I just know I want them to be about fun and fitness and feeling good about the ol' bod. Not numbers and angst. Nor midnight Mini Bite moratoriums!

Full Bodied

Ooh things rather busy and stressful at the mo so will spare you the usual epic ramblings.

I'm having a full body massage on Friday! It's my very first. Way back in 2001 I wrote a list called "Random list of things I wanna do when I'm smaller" and that was one of the things I put down.

I thought a spa day would be a fab Getting To Goal treat but then my sister scored a free night's accommodation and half price treatments through her work if she could go in April. So I thought... goal schmoal, why the hell not?

I'm a little nervous about the whole caper. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm wound up tighter than a Scotsman's purse strings so I'm hoping I can relax enough for a massage. Ha ha.

Then Sandra was writing about massages recently and she had to strip off and wear paper undies! Lordy. What are you supposed to do in readiness for a stranger prodding your bod? Brush teeth, shave legs, landscape nether regions?

Anyway I'm sure it will be lovely. This is going to be a real test of just how comfortable I really am in my skin. It's easy enough to be happy with clothes on but how will I feel in paper knickers? Anyone want to place bets on a Fat Girl Freakout^TM?

For the curious here is the infamous Random List I made back in 2001, with my current thoughts in italics.

• run (done!)
  
  
• get a tattoo (wtf? i really have no desire to do that)
  
  
• wear dainty, strappy little shoes (currently would make me look like a drag queen with my pudgy ankles and feet) (still look ridiculous in dainty shoes. some things never change)
  
  
• go on roller coasters (though I may fit in the seats now, not really interested. losing a few kilos doesn't make you any less of a chicken :)
  
  
• walk up to a guy that catches my eye and say hello (done! no longer scared of boys! just in time to be married, d'oh!)
  
  
• go swimming (done!)
  
  
• get a full body massage (like i'd let anyone look at me right now!) (shall do on Friday!)
  
  
• have proper photos taken of me (but no cheesy soft-focus glamour shots! cack!) (I reckon the Grazia shoot covers that)
  
  
• learn to rollerblade (oooh still fancy trying this one)
  
  
• get some sexy leather pants. rrrowr. (again i say, WTF? why did i think that was a good idea? was i going through another Doors phase in 2001? i am not Jim bloody Morrison and unless Gareth convinces me to go pillion on his motorcycle i shall never don leather dacks)

Six years later, the list makes me cringe a wee bit with it's supreme dorkiness. But I'm happy that I've done so many of those things, and didn't wait around to be skinny either.

Paddle Your Own

Woohoo! I did another New Activity yesterday... CANOEING!

On the weekend we stayed with some friends and their three crazy kids. We all went to a nice wee loch suitable for unskilled morons, nothing to be scared of. But as soon as the canoe came off the car roof and I got strapped into a lifejacket I froze.

It was only for a second but it was there, automatic and insistent, that old voice in my ear. You're fat and you're crap and you're going to suck at this.

I looked at the little kiddies kayaking and the old dudes fishing; so many potential witnesses to my incompetence. I started stammering my excuses but Gareth is used to the Fat Girl Freakouts now. He said very kindly and firmly, "You're going to be fine."

And of course I bloody was. Canoeing RULES. And I did not suck. First I went out with Dave and he explained the strokes and I made an arse of my left and right as usual. But then I got the hang of it and went out again with Gareth. And then I got in the back seat and learned how to steer. Which was difficult but still enjoyable. I paddled and paddled til my shoulders ached and today I can yell out like Ringo Starr at the end of Helter Skelter, I've got blisters on my fingers! I feel rather proud of them.

Today I am still on some sort of bizarre post-canoe high. I loved being out on the water, stabbing away at it with my paddle. It was so serene and almost hyponotic. Maybe I'll go all Ray Mears now and cruise down some rivers, or carve my own boat out of a tree trunk with my bare teeth. I just know that I want to do it again. Agaaaaaain!

Now I just have to think of something for New Activity #3.

Violent Femme

Arrgh! Where did that week go? It was all work work workity work. And sitting on my arse watching the cricket and MotoGP too, must admit.

So! It's time for another New Years Resolution Update. Imagine that there's some sort of theme tune to go along with that... doo doo dooooo.

All my goals are ticking along nice and dandy. I think making them specific, realistic and enjoyable has helped. About time I learned that lesson!

8. Try three new sporty activities in 2007

Old school folks may recall my first Body Combat class way back in November 2001. I was 117 kilos at the time and my face went redder than my hair. My punches were feeble and my kicks were about as powerful as a chihuahua lifting its leg to pee on a car tyre, but I was an enthusiastic participant and was soon addicted. I was proud of my big red face. I loved throwing punches and kicking and screaming, even though I was only assaulting thin air.

Five-and-a-bit years later my pal V called up and said she was going to try a kickboxing class and did I fancy coming along. Like Body Combat? I asked. Nooo, she said. Like boxing gloves and kicking the crap out of people. AH HA! I said. This could count as a New Sporty Activity for my list! Gloves ahoy!

I hadn't been to a gym class since May last year, because of the dodgy knee. It was bizarre being back in a mirrored environment. I still did my automatic sweep of the room to see if I was the biggest, and I was. But in height only. Hehehe!

The instructor was a bloke and he was the real kickboxing deal, black belt and everything. I'm so used to techno music and instructors who say "woohoo" and "work it, ladies!" that it was a bit unsettling at first when it was clear this was more sporty than aerobic-y.

First we did drills and circuity things - shadowboxing, then switching rapidly back and forth between kicks, push-ups, sprinting on the spot, star jumps, sit ups. It was rather grueling! But sooo much fun! You have to remember I'd spent the previous eight MONTHS limited to nothing but boring knee exercises and boring stationery bike riding, so it was a real treat. Oddly enough my fitness level hadn't dropped off; I easily kept up with the class. My face was merely pink instead of the old Call The Ambulance red.

Next up the group was split in two. Half of us got our gloves on and the other took the pad thingies. Us Gloved Ones did a lot of running between the Pad People and punching them in all manner of styles. Holy CRAP, I loved punching people. Really! I just thought of everyone who had even remotely annoyed me over the past 29 years and let fly. POW POW POW! One Pad Girl said to me, "Whoa, that is a scary face!" and her neighbour said, "She is taking it very seriously, isn't she?". Damn right, girly!

Then we had to kick, which was even better. My favourite was a drill where you just had to do roundhouse kicks over and over for one minute, really fast, then switch to the other leg, then back to the first leg, and so on, until your pins turn to jelly. I love roundhouse kicks. It was amazing after all those years of kicking nothing at Body Combat to actually connect with something, even if it was only a girl with a big cushion! My knee felt good and I loved the sound of my foot smacking the pad, pow pow pow.

But then we had to swap over, and I went from overly-aggressive freak to total WIMPY ARSE. Oh dear. As soon as I had those pads in my hands I wanted to run home to mummy. I didn't think these nice girls with their pretty ponytails would punch so HARD. I was totally unprepared and compleeeetely useless at holding the pads, and got smacked in the cheek and temple by mistake. So I just sort of floated the pads around my head, cowering beneath as they rained blows down on me. I could dish it out but I sure couldn't take it! Hehe.

The hour was up by then, and after that was the sparring class, where the pads get put away and you assault people more directly. But since Vicki and I were beginners the dude suggested we wait a few weeks for that. Fair enough! "You'll be in a world of pain tomorrow," he said, "But don't let that put you off. You gotta come back next week!"

So that was 8th January and I have not bloody been back. Tis why I hadn't written about it sooner, I was too busy SULKING. I woke up the next day and my knee was completely cactus. Unable to straighten my leg properly, hurting like a mofo, blah blah blah. It took two long weeks of limping and rest and ice and exercises before I could even get back on the boring stationery bike on the gym. Grrrrrr. It was similar to what happened with the swimming - the knee felt okay at the time, it was only the next day that it was all out of whack. I don't think it was the kicking that did it, because I'd been really careful with them at the time. I think it was the over-enthusiastic hopping and skipping and springing around; all the short and sudden movements.

So that's what led me to revising my goals to make sure I was working within my limitations, as opposed to working within my fantasy dream world. At times it's deathly boring but after almost three months, the knee feels much stronger for sticking to low impact stuff. It still pisses me off that I can't go back to the kickboxing class yet - One, because it ruled; and Two, because I see the instructor all the time at the gym and I haven't been back to his stinking class, and I HATE the idea of anyone thinking I didn't go back because I'm a scared little prissy pants. I am thinking of wrapping a big red bandage around my knee that says "HURTY" on it, so he knows there was a legitimate reason.

I am sure I'll get back there someday. Anyway, I am going to put that down as a New Sporty Activity, and I don't care what you say! I had not punched anyone with gloves before so it totally counts. Woohoo!

Downhill XTREME!

We're almost one-sixth of the way through 2007 so it's high time I checked in on some of my goals for the year.

7. Learn to ride my bike down a hill!!!

Ooh, three exclamation marks. You know that means business.

I finally got back on Valentino on Tuesday. He'd been gathering cobwebs for six months or so due to knee-hab and crappy weather.

I did my usual I don't wanna whinging as we got ready to go out. Why does cycling involve so much bloody gear? The tiny shorts with the padded crotch, the leggings, the top, the lurid jacket, the dinky skullcap so my ears don't freeze off, the helmet, the gloves. When I was a kid, all you needed was bare feet, shorts n t-shirt and the spirit of youth!

Out on the street, I was still too chicken to ride on the Big Road down to the cycle track, so I pedaled timidly and illegally on the footpath. I felt so much more comfortable on the bike than before, but I still don't have the skills to release the handlebar death-grip in order to make a hand signal!

Once on the path it felt brilliant straight away. My legs (and knee) were so much stronger. The breeze was icy and my fingers were numb but it was great to be outside, dodging horse shit and twigs and trying to remember what all the levers do. We went a leisurely 3.5 miles before I had to stop to dig out a wedgie. Stupid tiny bike shorts.

I was all set to turn around and head for home when Gareth pointed to a quiet country road leading off the path.

"Fancy riding down the hill?" he asked.

"No!"

"But what about your New Year's Resolution? You said you wanted to go down hills!"

"Yeah but. Isn't it enough that I came out at all? I mean, that's excellent progress."

"Nup. Come on. It's only a wee hill."

"It's HUGE! And there could be a car."

"There's been two cars on this road in the past month!"

"With my luck, I'll get mowed down!"

"C'mon!"

"ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!"

The top of the hill looked too steep so I kinda half-dismounted and shuffled a few metres down to a less scary starting point. I pushed off and... wheeeeeeee!

Okay. I braked the whole way down.

And then I couldn't bloody get back up the hill! I had forgotten how to work the gears!

"Which one makes it easier to pedal!?" I screamed to Gareth. "Left or right!?". In the end I had to push the bike up the hill.

"Just great," I said, "I have issues going down AND up hills! Right. Let's go home."

"Home?" said Gareth. "Aren't you going to give it another go?"

"No way! That's enough for one day."

"Awww! One more go?"

"NOOOOUUUUEEE!" Why is it the more juvenile I behave, the more vowels I pack in to a word?

"NOOOOUUUUUEE!" Gareth mimicked in his increasingly convincing Australian accent. "What about your resolution?"

"That was just an idle promise, you pushy bastard."

He's really not pushy at all; I think that's what makes me so cranky. If he was being a real bully I could have just told him to bugger off. But when he is being so patient and encouraging, well.

You know what else was so bloody infuriating? Realising that I was experiencing a genuine (albeit irrational) fear. And I couldn't use my fat to avoid it anymore. I have lost my all-purpose excuse.

Before I would never have even bought a bike in the first place because I'd have said, "I can't, I'm too fat!". But now if don't want to do something, it's because I'm scared or lazy or afraid of failing or looking stupid. It's no doubt been like that all along, but the fat was an excellent excuse. It was such an obvious, visible physical barrier; whereas to just admit to myself that I was scared of a gently undulating slope? It's confronting and bloody embarrassing. I've known for years I can no longer play the I'm Too Fat card, but every now and then I miss it.

"Alright then," I hissed. "I'll do it."

"Woohoo!" said Gareth. "See if you can get halfway down before you put on the brakes!"

I have to admit the second time was almost enjoyable. It was bloody fast but I didn't brake until 3/4 down. I almost crapped myself when a car came along but I managed to pull over in time without falling into the ditch. And I managed to pedal 3/4 back up the hill, huffing and cursing, until I totally ran out of gears! My legs circled madly going nowhere, like a cartoon character going over a cliff.

So obviously I have much to learn. But I had fun and felt quite at home on the bike. I was really chuffed when Gareth told me later I looked really natural and comfortable on the bike, as opposed to my previous grim expression and stiff limbs. Woohoo!

I took a picture of The Hill on the cameraphone and couldn't believe how pathetic it looked like on the screen! The perspective is distorted or something. But I SWEAR, it's steeper than it looks. It's really scary! Honest. Yeah.

Goals Goals Goals!

Apologies for the silence, folks! It was a busy and bittersweet ol' week but now I'm back to blogland. Albeit very gingerly as my arms so sore from last night's weights session that it even hurts to type. Exxxxcellent!

It's bordering on February so it's high time I posted my lard bustin' New Years Resolutions. I'm happy with how the 2006 list panned out but they were far too vague and open-ended:

1. Reduce paranoia, increase confidence!
2. Write like a mofo.
3. Eat well
4. Keep moving my butt.

So this year I shall be more specific. And my goals are mostly about the sporty stuff, because that is what keeps me motivated and interested. Also, I've got Goal 1 and 2 from last year well under control and Goal 3 doesn't need to be re-resolved because my eating takes care of itself so long as I am committed to moving my lardy arse as per Goal 4.

That's where I fell down last year. I exercised and lost weight consistently until May, when my knee problems got severe and I had to halt all exercise for awhile. I didn't reduce my food intake to compensate; in fact I ate more because my moods plummeted without the smug and happy feelings I get from moving my butt. In hindsight I should have come up with a new programme with all the things I could do, but instead my efforts were sporadic and I never really got any momentum going. I lost and regained the same few kilos for the last half of the year. I'd lose for awhile, then start pushing the exercise, then get hurt again and the cycle would start again.

But towards the end of 2006 I finally accepted that this knee thing is a long term issue, and so my 2007 goals are all about working within my limits. Hurrah.

So here we go! A lot of these goals might seem a little small or just really bloody dorky, but I've learned from the likes of Maggie and Kek that you need to be specific with your goals, otherwise I will have another year of bumbling along without significant results.

1. Reach goal weight of 75kg
It will happen this year. I'm not setting a date but it WILL BLOODY HAPPEN IN 2007! I've got the plan and the tools, I just have to actually apply myself consistently... and believe that I can do it.

2. Track food DAILY
Looking through my food journal last year there is a direct correlation between blank pages and weight gain. I need to write down what I eat. I'm sticking with my old friend WLR for this.

3. Do physio knee-hab exercises DAILY
At times I was sooo inconsistent last year and then wondered why it wasn't getting any better.

4.  Do three cardio sessions per week
At the moment this is limited to the recumbent or upright bike, usually intervals. My aim is to do this steadily for January and February with a view to building up to switching one of these sessions to a Spinning class by March. Fingers crossed!

5. Weight train 2-3 times per week
I've got an upper and lower body split mapped out for the next couple of months, a mixture of Cathe DVDs and gym stuff. The lower body work is not weighted at all coz of the knee - so lots of little floor exercises that are based on what the physio recommended.

6. Flexy/Stretchy/Relaxy stuff twice a week
Whether it's an hour of Pilates or a yoga class or just a 20-minute Cathe stretch DVD, I'm going to be more consistent with that stuff this year, coz I like that floaty feeling.

7. Learn to ride my bike down a hill!
Without crapping my pants. And also release death grip on the handlebars. And learn to turn a bloody corner! I can't go in a straight, flat line forever. Baby steps, people ;)

8. Try three new sporty activities in 2007
I'm excited about this one. I've been inspired by Mary organising all sorts of groovy activities for the Sydney bloggers to try, like archery and hooping. I like the idea of trying new things and taking exercise beyond the gym.

I'd have to say my proudest achievement last year was overcoming my ancient and irrational fear of swimming. Ever since I've wondered what else I can try. I've always told myself I was crap at all sports; that I was a book learnin' type and that was that. I have memories of being told the same by various teachers too. Here is a montage of my finest sporting moments:

• scoring an own goal in hockey
• passing ball to the opposing team in netball
• swinging and missing and spinning round 360 degrees at golf balls, baseballs and cricket balls
• finishing a one-mile running race eight minutes later than the rest of my class
• getting stuck halfway through a backwards roll and having to be unraveled by the gymnastics teacher
• instead of hitting tennis ball to person on other side of net, hitting ball over their head and over the fence and onto a bridge and hitting a truck
• scoring another own goal in the same hockey match

So I've never been blessed with sporting prowess. But how much worse was it because of crap self-esteem and lack of confidence? Maybe it's not as dire as I thought. I didn't drown in the swimming pool, so that's somewhat encouraging! And I don't care about being any good - I'm at a point where failure is funny instead of humiliating. I just want to have a go.

And that's about it! It's all going well thus far and I'm feeling organised and focused. I am ticking boxes and filling in spreadsheets and feeling the pleasant ache of tired muscles. Rock on.

Six Pack

Tomorrow Dietgirl turns six years old. Well, technically Dietgirl has turned six already, as it's already today in Australia, which is the wide brown land where it all began one stinky summer Monday in 2001.

It was strange reading back over the early entries the other day. Usually if I plunder the archives I feel awed by how much has changed, or I struggle to relate to my old mindset. This time round I was actually... a wee bit jealous. In 2001 I was so single-minded and determined. Losing weight was Priority One and all my mental and physical energy was poured into the enormous task at hand.

 That'd come in handy right now, I thought. It seemed so much less complicated back then.

But then I realised that in 2001 losing weight was Priority One quite simply because it my only Priority. I didn't have any competing interests. I had non-demanding job I could do in my sleep, a comfortable life in the suburbs of Canberra, no hobbies, minimal dramas and very few relationships. I'd retreated from all of my friends and was quite the hermit. And in some ways I think it needed to be like that, to allow the time and space to tackle such an overwhelming task.

In the years that followed it's been one bloody obstacle after another.  Family dramas, moving overseas, travel, work dramas, wedding and visa shenanigans, knee dramas, bah blah blah. Sure enough the lard has come off a helluva lot slower. When I'm in a bad mood I sometimes wonder if I deliberately make things harder for myself.

But then again they've not really been obstacles so much as they were just... life happening. And that's something that I didn't have when I started this blog six years ago. It was just me and my dog and a bag of chips and a block of Cadbury's. Weight loss may have been "easier" back then, but I'm glad that these days there's a lot more going on.

And now for some thrilling statistics...

• I weighed in today at 81.3 kg, meaning I lost an incredible 5.4 kilos in Year 6... that's a whopping ONE POUND PER MONTH!

(I know, I know, my jaw is still on the floor too! But at least my Xmas Blubber is coming off.)

• In the past six years of blogging I have used the word CHOCOLATE approximately 192 times.

• And the word ARSE has been used 152 times. No wonder the Minneapolis Star-Tribune warned last week that this blog contains "frank language".

• I first used the phrase "onward and downward" on 12 April 2001 and I still mutter it to myself in the mirror when feeling flabby.

And now onward and downward into Year 7 of the World's Slowest Weight Loss Adventure. Thank you all for sticking around for so long!

Next entry I will finally post my goals for the next twelve months because dudes, I am finishing the job this year. I am channeling the Determined Dietgirl of 2001 and I'm feeling mighty positive about the way things are going. 

Besides, even if I lose one measly pound a month like in 2006, I can still get there.

2006: Where Did It All Go Right?

Thanks very much for all your comments on the last entry! You're all legends, I tells ya.

And thanks so much for no one writing to tell me to Get Over It. It's great to vent and not get a lecture in my Inbox on the perils of Being Negative. If you don't address the negatives now and then, how else do you see where you can improve? I felt disappointed by aspects of my "performance" and it felt good to acknowledge that by whinging, moving on... and using it for motivational fuel this year.

So let's talk about the good bits today. I started 2007 smaller, fitter and marginally lighter than I was twelve months ago. Woohoo to that. I've been thinking about all the things that helped me along and came up with a list - my Top Ten Flab-Fighting Tools of 2006!

1. Blogging - Well, DERR! It's still my most essential tool. Where would I be without reading and writing blogs? On a couch eating chocolates. Perhaps even on a couch eating chocolates while said couch was being lifted out of the house by a crane, so lardy would I be. Seriously, there were times last year when I wanted to torch this blog, namely when everyone at work found out about it again. But once I realised that while people may think it's dorky to write about your flab on the internet, it's not like people didn't already know that I was a dork. So CARRY ON BLOGGING, I say!
   
   
2. Keeping a Food Diary - an oldie but a goldie. The minute I stop writing down what I eat, extra food starts creeping in. In 2006 I tried tracking on paper as well as a number of online tracking tools, but in the end came back to my old favourite Weight Loss Resources.
   
   
3. Veggie Box Delivery - And to think a year ago I was living in a world without kohlrabi. Every two weeks a box of fruit and veggies is abandoned on our doorstep and it's been a hoot trying to figure out what to do with it. The box forces you to be more imaginative with your cooking and vegetables become the focus of your meals. And you may also experience feelings of smug wholesomeness.
   
   
4. Cathe Strength Training DVDs - I chucked a tantrum when my dodgy knee ruled out my much-loved Body Pump classes. There was no point paying for the class when I couldn't do half the moves. But I missed the structure and being told what to do, so it was Cathe Friedrich to the rescue.  I was skeptical that I would get any results from a dusty collection of weights at home, but my upper body strength and tone improved so much in 2006.
   
   
5. Lemons and Limes - They just make food more interesting. They can jazz up a can of tuna or avocado on toast, breathe life into salads or rice or lentils and make a panful of wilted greens and garlic droolworthy. I always make sure we've got half a dozen of each laying round, and carry a few spares in my pockets in case of flavour emergencies.
   
   
6. Pilates - I still don't know if I am doing the breathing right, but in one class last year I remember laying on my back, abdominals screaming with my legs in a vaguely gynecological position, feeling incredibly peaceful and remembering how cool it is to make your body do stuff instead of stuffing it with food.
   
   
7. Physiotherapy - Eight months of physio and my knee is still dodgy. But eight months of physio taught me to be patient. That your body deserves to be listened to. That ignoring pain gets you nowhere. That doing too much to soon means you're an idiot. And that your physio can't perform miracles if you don't bloody do your exercises between visits!
   
   
8. Frozen Edamame - Wee baby soya beans are my Snack of the Year! I've mentioned these a bazillion times before but I hate to think of all the toast I would have scoffed if I hadn't had these little babies to scoff into when I get home from work. I zap a handful in the microwave then eat em plain or with some black pepper and lemon. And three cheers for frozen mixed vegetables for lazy dinners and frozen berries for easy smoothies. Hail Freezer!
   
   
9. Weight Watchers cookbooks - I went mental buying WW cookbooks on eBay this year, because the recipes are so bloody easy and the ingredients are always basic. My favourites are two Aussies - Contented Tummy and Everyday, and two UK ones - How To Eat and How To Cook the WW Way.
   
   
10. THE SCALES - After years of vowing otherwise, I have decided once and for all that the scales actually ARE my friend. I've been in denial, because to say you like to weigh daily always sounds like you're obsessed. So for December 2006 I conducted a scale-free experiment and it was a disaster. I gained four kilos. As soon as I stopped checking in on the number I became thoughtless about my food choices. We all know the number wildly fluctuates according to what you ate the night before, fluid retention, whatever. But I know the difference between temporary bloat and a genuine upward trend, it's just a matter of being honest with myself about which one it is. Keeping an eye on the number is different than becoming a slave to the number. A quick hop on the scale each day gives me a general indication of how things are progressing. It's not an obsession; it's just another tool that keeps me on track.

So what worked for you guys in 2006?

2006: A Mixed Bag

So it's the last day of 2006 and we feel obliged to look back before trudging forth into the new year!

I have such conflicting feelings about this lard-busting palaver; and this year was particularly messy. Sometimes lard-busting dominated my thoughts; other times it wassn't a priority at all. Sometimes I felt frustrated and frumpy, but most days I felt happy and healthy and a few extra kilos didn't cramp my style at all.

So I will just be honest with you and explain both sides of the coin, even though my thoughts may sound irrational or trivial.

Disclaimer: Please remember that this is a health/lard-busting blog and therefore the topic is health/lard-busting and navel gazing is all part of the pudding. So please trolls, hold your fire.

Do The Job Properly

Help! Can anyone identify this strange vegetable that appeared in our vegie box today?

Update: It's kohlrabi. Thanks everyone!

. . .

Everyone tells me that the Last 10 Pounds are the hardest to lose. I think this will be the case for me. But I have to admit, it's mostly because I am making them the hardest.

I'm being a tad premature, since I actually have 15.3 pounds (6.9 kg) til I reach just the top of my healthy weight range. But there's no doubting I'm at the business end of this lard busting adventure and it sucks. Why is it taking me so bloody long? You'd think after losing 170 pounds that a piddling fifteen more would be a breeze. I should be overjoyed! I should be throwing myself into completing the task! So why I am dawdling along in a halfassed manner?

I think I'm chicken shit, to be honest. I'm scared that I'll get to a healthy weight but will still look like a flabmonster, therefore I'll need to lose even MORE weight and never be free of this stinking task. Therefore it's better remain comfortably overweight so I never have to properly finish and find out.

Or maybe part of me is scared of finishing the job because once it's finished, I will have to find another obsession to throw myself into, and I have become quite fond of this lard-busting journey in a way, with all its ups and downs. It's comfy and cosy and a great way to avoid any other Issues in your life.

Another part of me worries that if this journey Ends, I'll no longer be a legitimate part of this lovely cosy blogging world. I'll be like some middle-aged fart who keeps hanging around his old high school, because that's where he spent the best years of his life. All his old teachers have moved on and the current students think he's some sort of pervert, but he just can't let go.

Or perhaps I am simply too lazy. You know when you're a kid and there's certain phrases your parents have to say to you over and over again, so often that it becomes permanently engraved on your brain? Mine was always, You always leave things half-finished. Do the job properly!

Mums are smart, I tell you. She had my character sussed right from the start.

But I can't let this become just another half-knitted scarf or play-without-an-ending, shoved up the back of the cupboard. I want to finish this job. I will, I will! Just have to keep reminding myself of what I want, especially when confronted with Caramel Shortcakes.

So here's to the Final Fifteen. They'll only be as hard to lose as I let them.

. . .

I've never been a fan of gym cardio - treadmills, bikes, elliptical trainers. I always feel like I am huffing and puffing on the road to nowhere. But with crappy weather, crappy knees and some of my classes being permanently cancelled, I've had to venture back into the mirrored sweatbox.

But it's actually enjoyable with a bit of forward planning. I'm a big fan of interval training, the variations of speed and intensity make the time go much faster. It's even better if I bring Pedro, my iPod shuffle, and work the intervals into the Playlist.

This will probably be of no interest to anyone unless you're particularly nerdy, but I'll tell you all about yesterday's session anyway. It was about 50 minutes, split between the bike and the cross trainer machine.

For warm-up we had Jump by Van Halen, because it's incredibly cheesy and makes me laugh. You may as well get yourself into a good mood if you're going to spend an hour getting sweaty.

Tracks 2 - 4 gradually got faster and more intense. I varied my speed and the resistance on the cross-trainer, sometimes going backwards for variety, and putting on bursts of speed for the choruses.

Track 5 was Thunderstruck by AC/DC. It's one of my favourite Body Pump shoulder tracks, but here it is good active recovery, slow and pounding. Once I got my breath back I increased the resistance to fry the legs.

Track 6, Smack My Bitch Up, is hella fast and furious! It always gets me in the mood for moving. I decreased the resistance but basically sprinted like the clappers, as fast as I could for the five minutes. Same deal for Track 7. After this I am sweating like a bush pig, to borrow a phrase Pete used to say. That's when I had a quick stretch then jumped on the bike.

The bike started with James Brown, a medium-paced funky track to recover. Woohoo! Then it was Transmission by Joy Division, with the best bass ever, and 3 minutes 34 seconds of sprinting! Killer!

After that it's Do You Want To by Franz Ferdinand, a slinky and perfectly paced recovery. Again I increase the resistance once I'd recovered. I also used this time to sing along and watch the big freaky blokes doing their weights. I love how their eyes always dart around when they're checking the mirrors, to see if anyone's checking them out.

Next it was that old chestnut, Girls And Boys by Blur, in which I sprinted through the choruses. Then I cruised into the B-52's track, a nice and steady pedal with mediun resistance to finish off the sweaty section

I cooled down with a laid back Lemonheads song then hopped off for some stretching. Then it was a ten minute walk home to finish. Huzzah! If you're a certified cardiophobe like me, I say iPods are the way forward!

Today it's upper body weights. Woohoo! Hope you're all having a lovely Easter!

Five Years of Dietgirl - Part VII

Finally we come the last day of the Dietgirl 5th Anniversary Spectacular.

When visiting Oz in October, I took the opportunity to dig out my old Fat Jeans. I wasn't going to do this until I got to my goal weight but was curious to see how they were fitting these days! I think they were an Australian size 24 or 26.

Let this be a lesson to you all. It really is true what Trinny and Susannah say - if you don't wear clothes that fit you properly, you'll look bigger than you are! Mwahaha.

(Disclaimers! This was towards the end of our trip, and three weeks of eating my way round Australia had reunited me with a few extra kilos. Goddamn Cadbury Mint Triple Decker Bars. AND my top is a little baggy round the waist AND I am in serious need of a new bra that actually provides some hydraulic assistance. Oh, AND it was a cold day!)

First here is the traditional Check Out How Big My Guts Used To Be pose.

I have no idea what I was thinking here. Probably, "How does one Photoshop out slightly erect nipples?"

Somebody call Slimming magazine! It's the ever popular two-legs-in-one-leg, I'm Half The Woman I Used To Be! pose.

And now for my next trick, I will need my lovely assistant...

Once upon a time, I used to pull this face just trying to get into these jeans on my own!

The lumpy weirdness in the chest area in this next shot is just my top all bunched up after wrestling into the jeans. Even though it looks like my boobs have deflated or something.

My first reaction when I saw this shot was, "Hell, my arse looks huge in those jeans". But then I remembered my whole arse now fits in the space that one cheek used to occupy, so I'll stop whinging.

And now as a special bonus, here are some pictures of two of my favourite things in the world: the Scottish Companion and CHOCOLATE CAKE.

. . .

Well that's it for Anniversary Week! Hope you enjoyed it. I have burned approximately 450 calories from all the typing, and your retinas will have burned even more from reading!

Five Years of Dietgirl - Part VI

Things I Have Learned.

A couple of years ago my Mum flew to Scotland for a visit. One minute she was chatting away, perched on on my sisters bed, then the next her head slumped forward, snoring softly as the jetlag took hold. About an hour later, she sat bolt upright, shook her head and opened her eyes and announced, "Things I have learned!".

She proceeded to spout some great philosophical tidbit, which I wish I could remember, then immediately fell asleep again. Bizarre!

Before I fall asleep myself after this marathon week, I'll mention a few Things I Have Learned while busting the lard.

Disclaimer: This is not smug lecturing or advice or a dietary Sermon on the Mount. It's just a wee list of lessons learned over the last five years. And so many of em took almost all that time to learn. I'm a bit slow.

• Laugh at yourself. Especially when you screw things up!
• Don't compare your progress to other bloggers, instead be inspired by them (ie. steal their ideas!)
• Try to reduce the self-loathing. I'm not saying you have to look in the mirror and chant, "YOU ARE A WINNER!", but it really doesn't help your weight loss to stand around yelling at your thighs.
• Remember that the weight loss industry exists to make money, whether it's Weight Watchers or Slimming Magazine or the CSIRO or Dr Gillian McKeith. Even though they all help in their own ways, they don't have all the answers and they really want you to buy the Choco Crisp Bars or send away for the Pilates DVD. Take bits and pieces from what they tell you and clobber it together to make your own way of doing things. Don't let anything be a substitute for thinking for yourself.
• Don't put things off until you Get Skinny. Try something crazy and new. If you fail, just don't blog about it!
• Deal with The Past.
• Look at the Big Picture or look at the Little Picture. Whichever is easiest to stomach at the time!
• Don't disappear up your own arse. Losing weight seems to bring a lot of introspection and lightbulb moments, but don't let this journey take over your life.
• Accept that you are moody, inconsistent and full of contradictions. What worked for you yesterday may shit you to tears tomorrow, and for no reasonable reason!
• Never eat lentils before you do squats or lunges.
• Just because you think everything is about your weight, don't assume everyone else sees it that way. Often other people are much better at seeing past your fat than you are.
• Just because you lose weight doesn't mean your old fears and problems will disappear. Example: If you were scared of rollercoasters when you were 350lb you may still shit your pants at the thought of them 160 pounds later!
• Fage Total Yogurt is the best thing to come out of Greece since Plato.
• Things won't change overnight. It takes time, trial and error to forge a healthy lifestyle and figure out what works for you. The difficulty of this task increases by tenfold increments depending on how many times per week you used to visit McDonalds Drive Thru.
• Don't let the fear of loose skin, belly rolls or flabby arms stop you. Do you think Oprah worried about her bingo wings? No. She just flap-flap-flapped and flew away to world domination!
• If you're still worried about your flabby arms, move to Scotland. You can get away with long sleeves for about 364 days a year.
• Even when you royally screw up -- over and over and over again -- you can pick yourself up again. As long you never stop believing you will get there in the end.