Those Wacky Scales

Last night was my 2nd weigh-in, and what a bizarre experience it was. I knew that I'd had a good week. I ate well, I didn't exercise as much as I could have, but I'd finally ventured back to the gym so I felt good. I wore a pair of pants that two weeks ago felt like I would be cut in half, they were so tight. But now they're just right. I felt lighter on my feet, and a helluva lot happier.

I knew something was wrong when the weigh-in girl was frowning in puzzlement at the scale. At my meeting, it's one of those old-fashioned ones where they have to move along all the little weights and things and make it balance. Old fashioned, but accurate right down to 100 grams. And they can add an extra weight to it to weight huge peoples like moi.

Anyway, she's peering at the scale and peering at my card and shaking her head. Meantime I am panicking wondering if I've gained. She called the lecturer over. The lecturer opens eyes wide in disbelief then tells me to hop off the scale then hop on again. So I did. She re-weighed me. It balanced nicely. She frowned again, and consulted the manual. After 5 minutes of me standing there, they finally said that yes, it was an accurate measurement, but according the reading, I had lost 9.6 kilograms since last week.

9.6 kilograms? That is 21 pounds!

There is no way in hell I could have lost that much in just 7 days. It's just too bizarre!

The staff spent the next ten minutes interrogating me about why this could have happened. A few things we considered:

  • I was wearing the exact same clothes and shoes as the previous 2 weeks, so that was not an issue.
  • The night I joined it was just a few days after my period, so perhaps I was just exceeding porky and full of fluid that night.
  • Last week was very hot weather so some days I was not as hungry. On three days I only had 22 points instead of the 26 I am meant to have for my range, but you'd really think that it wouldn't make *that* much of a difference? (NB to US readers: our points are different here, due to the metric system or some such. 26 is the maximum amount of points here, I know it's a way higher number over there)
  • Perhaps the week I joined two weeks ago, the lecturer did not weigh me properly, and maybe I didn't weigh as much as she recorded down that night?
  • But then again I lost 4 kilos (8.8 pounds) last week, so what's up with that?
  • Maybe I just sweated a lot off in those summer days?

I have no idea, to be honest. It's all so bloody bizarre. It does not make sense at all. At no point in the week did I feel hungry or deprived. I do not starve myself. I am sensible with my food! If anyone has ANY ideas, PLEASE let me know. I know you may think I should be over the moon, but that is an astounding amount of weight to lose in a week and it just does not make sense. Now I am panicking thinking that perhaps since I was down on my points last week, my metabolism is going to be all screwy and I'll end up gaining everything back. I know I have lost *something*, because my clothes are a little looser, and my sister swears my face is less puffy. But not 21 pounds lighter. That's insane!

I guess I will just have to see what happens on the scale next week, and in the meantime I vow to STICK TO MY POINTS, and make sure I eat enough! And as the lecturer told me, I am not allowed to get upset if I show a gain next week after this weeks crazy loss.

BTW, my sister lost 0.5 kg (1.1 pounds) for a total loss of 5 pounds in two weeks! She is doing great. A nice and steady loss! Which is what I want. I am so terrified of it coming back.

And what panicks me the most is that this is only Week 2. It will take 2 years at least to lose all this bulk. It's such a long road, and I am going to have to learn to calm down about it otherwise I will end up screwing up completely.

Yours neurotically,

Back in Action

Would you believe it? I went back to the gym today! I had not been since DECEMBER 5! Isn’t that just revolting? I’d wasted nearly 2 months of bloody expensive membership. All I managed was 15 mins on the bike and 15 on the treadmill, both at near-snails pace. My thighs are screaming, "What are you doing to us? We’ve been lazy bastards for so long!". But it had to be done. If I want to have any chance of losing weight, I need to get moving!

It wasn’t as terrifying as I remembered. I always choose the quiet times to go. I remembered not to look in the mirrors. There’s nothing more disheartening than seeing your elephantine physique in a wall of mirror! But I will go again. Tomorrow will be Walk The Dog day, so more gym on Tuesday, methinks.

Bitch and Moan

It’s so hot. Whine whine whine. Bitch bitch bitch. Moan moan moan. I was supposed to go exercise today, but I was stunned into inactivity by the roasting heat. I am also having trouble eating enough points. I am just not hungry in this weather. And when i am hungry, i feel too hot and lazy to cook. I hate summer. Ack.

One Day At A Time

I’ve had one previous attempt at a diet journal, last year on Blogspot. I was looking back at my old archives today, from back in September when I thought I could do it all on my own. I joined the gym, jumped on the scales there and thought I weighed 140 kilos, but as we all know now it turns out I weighed far more than those scales’ capacity. So when I was getting all upset coz I wasn’t losing, I probably was losing, the scales simply couldn’t show it!

So I got all disillusioned for nothing, and ended up eating more and gaining more.

But I can’t dwell on that! I DO know how much I weigh now, and I just have to focus on taking that off.

I am doing well this week, Points wise. Sticking to it, and whenever I get the urge to be bad, I’m scoffing down cold water instead. It was 40’C here today, which is about 105’F which means – goddamn hot! So drinking the water isn’t that bad. And sticking to the points isn’t difficult, coz who wants to eat a lot in this weather? I am already worrying what happens when the weather cools down. Will I be able to stick to the program? Or will I submit to my carb cravings and stack it all back on?

Does anyone else find it impossible to take it just one day at a time? My mind is always racing ahead in a panic, and as soon as I have some success I wonder if it is too good to be true, and that it will just come back. It’s a hard thinking pattern to break…

I also need to start exercising. Apart from about 20 minutes walk at lunchtime, I haven’t been doing any. It’s just too bloody hot. I am so unfit that I feel exhausted after a few steps. Not to mention sunburn. It was still 38’C at 6PM. I guess I will just have to get up really early and walk or venture back to the gym. Blah. I really hate exercise, but I know I have to start somewhere.

Just Like Starting Over

What a week I’ve had, people. It’s amazing how you can just wake up one day and say to yourself, this is MY LIFE and from now on I am going to be in control of it.

I have eaten a shitload of vegetables and fruit. I have stuck to my Points all week. Some days I went a little under by a few, but not enough to be problematic. I haven’t been tempted by chocolate or icecream. We’ve tried out new WW recipes. I’ve been drinking water.

You have no idea how much of an achievement this is for me. Perhaps if I told you what utter PORKERS my sis and I were being before? We’d do okay for awhile then we’d just have a full-on BINGE DAY. This is what we ate the Saturday before last:

  • couple of stray squares of leftover chocolate for breakfast
  • a cheese & bacon roll and 500mL chocolate milk while we went to the movies
  • doner kebab, fries and soft drink for lunch
  • chocolate croissant
  • McDonalds burger, fries and shake for dinner
  • Trifle for desert – consisting of cake, jelly, fruit, custard and whipped cream

So okay, that was not a TYPICAL day. That is what we called our LAST HURRAH DAY, meaning we scoffed into everything we knew we’d have to give up once we joined WW on Monday. But all the same, how bloody disgusting! How devoid of all nutritional value! But we relished it all like it was our last supper.

So just for laughs, we estimated how many points that would have been. We ended up with something like 90 points! Oh my freaking god. I am allowed 26 points a day, my sister 20. We ate in one day enough to feed the whole Von Trapp family, and half of Switzerland too!

But folks, that is no more. We really got into it this week. We actually PLANNED our meals, and I tell you that helps like nothing else. We bought all our food at the start of the week then every night we knew exactly what to eat. We used my WW Quick Eats Cookbook a lot, a leftover from my previous ill attempt at the program. I never actually made anything from it before. But this week we had things like Mandarin Chicken and Veal with Sundried Tomatoes. Mmm mmm! Beautiful, healthy food and easy as pie to cook.

So, anyway, I’m rambling. It’s amazing how groovy I feel after one week. Our meeting was last night, and I hung around to the end to get weighed. Didn’t want anyone seeing them adding the extra weight to that scale! I was feeling hopeful because my lovely sister had hopped on already and she’d lost 1.7 kilos! Considering that she doesn’t have that much to lose, it’s a testament to her hard work last week.

So there I was on the scale again, heart hammering in my chest, just like last week. But this time grinning like an idiot because I KNEW I had to have lost *something*. It look forever for the scales to balance and then the Lecturer started grinning and told me I was the biggest Loser of the week! I’d lost FOUR KILOGRAMS!

HUZZAH! That is 8.8 pounds to you non-metric people. I couldn’t believe it! My sister cheered, and the weigh ladies went crazy. They gave me a sticker for my book and so many words of encouragement I thought I’d burst from happiness.

I’m on my way people. Mark my words 🙂

In The Beginning

How did I get here?

The thing that I find so sad is, I wasn’t really doing that badly for awhile there. I’d made another attempt at getting healthy last October. I was going to the gym plus walking the dog every second day. I had cut out so much crap from my diet. But I didn’t give myself any credit for any of that. Since the scales were only showing about half kilo losses (2 pounds or so) every week, or no loss at all, I got very angry at myself.

So little by little, the bad foods started creeping back into my diet. The chocolate, the icecream, the chips. Then the trips to the gym tapered off into nothing. Before I knew it, I’d put all the weight back on, and then some.

I think I’ve been waiting for some sort of epiphany. But there’s not been one dramatic moment, just lots of depressing realisations. On Christmas Eve I was slumped in an armchair at my mother’s house. It was a typical Australian summer afternoon, an energy-sapping 38 degrees. The ceiling fan groaned above me as I slurped away at my second bowl of ice cream. I felt listless and cranky. For the second Christmas in a row, I hadn’t called any of my high school friends to catch up while we were all home, because I didn’t want them to know how big I’d become. I knew I was pretty much settled in for the night, not having the energy to move my massive frame. My only plans for that night consisted of dinner, more dessert, then It’s A Wonderful Life on the television.

You know, I don’t think I feel so wonderful, I thought suddenly. I can’t remember the last time I felt wonderful.

I looked down at my bulky frame then looked across to my sister. I pointed to my sprawling stomach and whispered to her, Right after Christmas, I better do something about this.

So tonight we rocked up to Weight Watchers. My sister has a few pounds she’d like to shed, so she kindly tagged along with me.

I am no stranger to WW, having tried it no less than five times before. But that’s a saga I’ll save for another day. This time round I was terrified, because I knew how huge I was. Not just overweight anymore, but seriously obese.

The place was packed tonight. It felt like the whole city had made LOSE WEIGHT their New Years Resolution. And I quickly noticed that I was definitely the heaviest person in the room. I am getting used to that now. Urgh.

I looked at the scale they had and I knew I weighed more than it’s capacity. This was my worst nightmare. I was just like those Super Fat people you see on A Current Affair, and they have to be weighed on super scales they use for cattle, or maybe at a Heavy Vehicle weighing station. I told my sister I was too big for the scale. She suggested we wait til the end to get weighed, until after the meeting was finished.

The leader was really nice. I’ve had my share of dull and uninspiring ones, but this lady seems great. Very motivating. I felt that it would all be okay.

Then the meeting ended and they had to keep weighing the new people, there was that many of us. I waited right til the end after my sister was weighed and I felt my stomach churning with dread. The weighing lady was smiling, told me to hop on, but I told her that I thought I was too big for the scale. She looked surprised, probably because while I look very overweight, my height kinda disguises just how very heavy I am.

So she had to get the leader to come over and they had to add a special weight to the scale to increase its capacity to 160 kilos. My face was burning with shame. I felt so hideous up there. I must have looked like hell, because the weigh lady said, "You look like you’re about to crack up, don’t worry, we’re here to help you!"

Of course their kindness made me feel even worse and I felt the tears start to come. I can’t begin to describe how humiliating it is, being so huge you’re unweighable.

Finally they got it to balance, and the Leader looked at me and I started to cry. I couldn’t help it. I just felt like utter shit. I hated me so much at that moment.

"I’m not going to tell you what the scale read," she said. "I will write it down and we won’t worry about goal weights or anything for now. You made the big step coming here tonight and let’s just take it slowly from here."

She and the weigh-lady and her assistant and my sister were all looking at me with sympathy and pity and I just felt sick inside. I know they were being kind but I didn’t feel like being kind to me at that point. I was so huge she didn’t even want to tell me how much I weighed. I knew I was on the verge of full-on sobbing so I went over into the corner and hid. The leader came over and gave me a hug and told me it would be okay, I would get there, blah blah blah. But all I could think about was how ugly and hideous I am, how much I have to lose, I felt so overwhelmed. I couldn’t speak to her, only to say "sorry" over and over.

They were such lovely people, really. I especially liked the two weigh girls. Laughing all the time, cracking jokes, giving out little pearls of wisdom to the ladies. And young. I’d say late twenties, early thirties at the most. That’s quite a pleasant change from my previous experiences, where all the people were middle-aged housewives who I couldn’t relate to at all.

They kept reminding me that I’m not on my own this time. They are here to help. And I have my sister and we’re going to do it together. She is a legend. Sibling support network!

But still, I cried in the car all the way home. Pretty pathetic huh? My sister kept reminding me that tonight was the toughest night, it would all be much better after this. Must be positive.

Yeah, I knew that. But I saw my weight on that card. 159.2 kilograms. That’s 351 pounds. I need to lose more than half of my body to be considered healthy. I’m scared, I’m disgusted and I can’t believe I let it get this far.

But I am determined not to fail this time. I don’t want to feel as bad as I felt tonight ever again. So here I am telling the world all about it. Wish me luck… please?