The Plan

I am just overflowing with optimism and groovy feelings today πŸ™‚

My weigh-in was last night. Another kilogram (2.2 lb) gone! Huzzah! Just four pounds to go until they take off that pesky extra weight from the scales and I can be a "normal" fat person instead of The Freaky Lard Arse. I am determined to bust those 4 pounds off in the next couple of weeks.

So determined, may I add, that I woke up early this morning and took the dog for a half hour walk. It's a very brisk walk coz the mutt insists on charging ahead and pulling hard on the leash. But it was a lovely morning, and I had so much more energy than when I try and exercise after a long day at work. It felt fantastic. I am definitely going to get up and do that again tomorrow.

(Did you note this time I said I am going to do it, as opposed to my usual vague I'll try and do it statements? Groovy! I've got the eating thing worked out, you see, I just need to get the exercise thing happening)

. . .

Anyway, last time I mentioned that I wanted to write about why It's Happening this time and why it didn't last time(s). I've puzzled over this for awhile now. I don't know how many times I would staunchly declare that This Time I Will Do It and then I never did it. I have started Weight Watchers no less than five times, the first of which was when I was just ten years old (that's another story in itself), and each time I lost a bit then gave up because I didn't keep losing.

Why didn't I keep losing? Because I wasn't eating properly. Most of the time, I didn't eat enough. I didn't exercise much. I wasn't motivated. My heart wasn't in it.

I used to think that one day I would wake up and BANG, all this motivation would have suddenly wormed its way into by magic. But it never happened. I knew all along what I had to go to lose weight, I just didn't make the effort to do it. I really think the one thing that has made the difference this time is the PLAN.

Yeah baby, The Plan! Have you heard that old saying, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail"? I never had a plan before. I'd go to the WW meeting every week and pay the money, get weighed, skip the lecture and go home. Then I'd expect the weight to somehow drop off when I didn't plan my meals, I didn't buy the right foods, I didn't keep track of what I ate, and I didn't have goals, just this vague desire for my lard to drop off me.

But now, I know what I want! I want to weigh 69 kilograms. I want to get as much of that off before my 25th birthday (November 2002). I want to be healthy, I don't want to feel like I will die from climbing a short flight of stairs, I want to like myself, I want to wear foxy clothes.

I want, I want, I want! Such a demanding wench I am! But unlike my previous attempts, now I know that I DESERVE all this stuff. I KNOW that inside I am a happy, energetic, fun kinda girl that right now is just wearing a very heavy FAT SUIT. Before I always had this feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn't going to succeed. That I was doomed to screw up again and was bound to end up in front of the television with a family block of chocolate again. The first step for me was to convince myself that I am worth it, just like Heather Locklear on a L'Oreal commerical. I'm worth it! *tosses hair around*

So with that belief in mind, then it's time for specifics, for the nuts and bolts of The Plan. Joining WW works for me. I like a bit of ritual and routine in my life. I do not have the self-discipline and drive to keep going on my own. Now that I know Monday night I have to get on the scale, I'm less inclined to be a pork. I want to see that scale go down. I want to see the meeting staff cheering for me. I want that euphoric feeling. And goddamn, I want the leader to give me a gold star to stick on my forehead!

Another important part of The Plan for me has been Sisterly Support. My sister only has a few kilos to lose, but she joined WW with me. She gave me a cuddle when I cried after the first meeting. We do the food shopping, go to the gym, walk the dog, try new recipies, together together together! Just have a look at your life and you're bound to find someone that can be a great support.

I think the most concrete part of The Plan has been the Food Planning. Before, we'd never have anything too healthy in the house. We'd forget to get something out of the freezer to defrost for dinner, so we'd go get McDonalds or similar slop. I'd skip breakfast, then eat something rotten and fatty for lunch. Then when at home I'd just scoff things randomly, regardless of if I was hungry or not.

It's as simple as this: if the bad food is not in the house, I can't eat it, can I? So now there's bazillions of yummy healthy alternatives. And we always know what we're having for dinner, because we plan our week before we do the grocery shop. Sounds too rigid and planned for some, but for us it works because it removes that element of panic and confusion and the "whatthefuckarewegonnahavefordinner" thing.

It works for us, is all I can say. I really think the key is firstly, be kind to yourself and realise you deserve to be happy and healthy. Accept that you have good days, and rotten hate yourself days, you may have a truckload of weight to lose, but just always remember that it is worth it. Then once you've got your attitude sorted, look at what habits got you where you are, and work out a plan to change it. It doesn't matter how wacky or unconventional it is. Just make it suit your life. If it means eating salad sandwiches for breakfast (as i do) or walking up and down your stairs 50 times for exercise (as i do) (although 50 times is a great exagerration), JUST BLOODY DO IT.

All that crap is what's made the difference for me this time. I know I haven't lost much yet, but I am damn proud of the changes I've made and I will keep it up.

. . .

There is a guy here at work complaining that my BBQ Rice Crackers smell too much. Sure they're spicy and fragrant, but they're only one point for ten of them, so he can just bite me!

Off With The Straitjacket

I'm feeling human again πŸ™‚

Thank bloody goodness That Time has been and gone, so I can be relatively sane again for a few weeks. A couple of years ago I was very ill with depression but I clawed my way out of it, but That Time feels like being that down again. I get so insane with self-hate and neediness and general blahs. I can't believe I used to feel like that 24/7, it's very exhausting.

I am doing better with the exercise thing. You know that old saying, Rome wasn't built in a day? Well Rome didn't become a big pork-ass in a day, either, so I can't expect to just trot up to the gym and melt a ton of fat off instantly. I am very unfit, and doing my crazy little bursts of workouts is not going to help, so I've decided to slow it down a bit and be more realistic. This week I haven't been to the gym at all, I just couldn't face it with my screaming ovaries. Instead I've been taking walks, our neighbourhood is so lovely and peaceful. I harrumph along for 20 minutes or so. It's about all I can manage right now. But I've done it three times this week so far, so that's something.

My eating has been good, except for my crazy sugar cravings that come with the yo-yo hormones. But I behaved. I had some marshmallows, but you can have 5 for one point, and they're fat free, so it's just a nice little treat now and then.

I face my first real challenge tonight, I'm going out for dinner with my sister and father. Hopefully there'll be good choices on the menu, and I'll be sure not to have fries or anything porky on the side. I've been saving up points for the occassion, and I'll be drinking water and having a nice homemade risotto for lunch so I don't feel starving and eat too much tonight.

I also wanted to say a big thanks to those who have emailled or signed the guestbook, you have been soooo lovely and supportive! πŸ™‚ I am a total lazy bum when it comes to writing emails so I am slowly replying! But do know that I am very grateful by your kindess.

I am so scared of gaining weight on Monday night. I feel all puffy and bloated. I don't care how tiny a loss it is, I just want it to go DOWN. Did you know I am only 2.8 kilograms (6.16 pounds) away from being able to be weighed "normally"? Right now I have to have an extra weight thing added to the scale because I'm so freaking lardy. But once I get under 140 (308) I will just be able to jump right on the scale and not wait around to the very end of the meeting coz I don't want anyone seeing the extra bit go on. So THAT'S my mini goal people, to get that extra weight thingo off the scale! I am aiming to do that by the end of March.

The people at my meeting are so wonderful. After my first week when I bawled my eyes out, they have been extra kind to me. Always give me a grin and a big thumbs-up when I arrive and they see that I made it through another week. They never comment on how much I have to lose, they just encourage me with every little bit that I lose. They're great. If any of you are considering joining some sort of weight loss club, I really recommend it. That extra bit of support and accountability makes all the difference.

Make Haste Slowly

I managed to lose half a kilo this week (1.1 pounds). I say that like it was an accident, but really, I ate just fine. I just *felt* like a total pork. I am bloated and horrible due to my periods imminent arrival.

While I have got the eating thing down, I am still not moving enough. I seem to write this every bloody week? Why does nothing change? Last week I walked the dog once, and went to the gym one. Granted, it was a gruelling hour at the gym and walking my dog is not easy, but it’s not consistent, steady exercise. This little spurts here and there isn’t really going to help me.

I am just so lazy. I am on holidays from work and it’s my first break in 18 months. All I want to do is read and sleep in.

Blah.

Just feel so blah about everything. Blah blah blah.

In other news, I finally put up my progress chart. I didn’t do this before because I was scared as soon as I put it up there, I’d jinx myself and put all the weight back on. But now I know that it’s only going to go back on if I start eating like a pork again.

It’s all up to me.

Lazy Days

"You have come too far to let a chocolate bar tell you what to do"

A nice little pearl of wisdom from my meeting last night. But how true it is. This week I have been weak (!). I have been soooo tempted by nice fatty things like chocolate milk and fries and icecream. On the whole I was pretty good, but for the last two days of the week I didn’t write in my food journal. I ate too much on Sunday, not enough on Monday. It scares me how close I went to going off the rails!

I have toooo much to lose to go "off the wagon" after just 4 weeks. I am not going back to my old school Eat Like A Pork habits!

As for my Move Yo Ass week, well that was a joke. I had one walk last Tuesday morning and did not do ANY exercise for the rest of the week. I was so busy, but then, I was so LAZY! I read so many dieters journals online and they are chalking up a few miles of exercise a day, and here I am parked on my bed like a beached whale complaining about the heat!

I have two weeks leave from work at the moment, so I really should get to the gym soon. YES! I must! I must!

By the way, I lost 1.9 kilos this week – 4 pounds. I suspect it may be due to not eating enough yesterday, so it means I need to be EXTRA GOOD this week to make sure those scales go in the right direction next time.

Wish me luck, kiddies!

What Goes Up Must Come Down

Fucking huzzah! I lost a pound!

Excuse my French, oops!

Anyway, a pound may not seem a lot to many, it's 0.4 of a kilogram, but considering the scale said last week that I had lost 9.6 kilos (21 pounds) and I was *certain* that was wrong and I'd gain a few kilos back this week, I have done very well! I have actually lost the weight!

Looks like things will settle down now, which is what I wanted all along. My aim now is to just lose weight nice and slow. My guess is my body went into shock the first couple weeks, thinking, "Where's my chocolate? Where's my chips?" but now it is getting used to the idea of gettin' healthy.

Better still, I actually got up this morning and did some exercise! I took my dog for a brisk 20 minute walk. It's about all the time I could spare in order to get to work on time, but hey, I was actually moving! The air was so clean and fresh and I had far more energy than I do when I walk in the evenings. So let's see if I can get out of bed and do it tomorrow morning.

My little goal for this week is to simply MOVE MY BUTT. Today I actually walked up the stairs instead of taking the lift, it's only three little flights of stairs but they KILL ME everytime, my heart pounds and I puff and huff. But when I got to the top I had a big smile.

Week Four

Today marks the start of my fourth week on WW. Tonight is my weigh-in, I’m nervous and excited, but I don’t want to say anything more and jinx myself.

I do feel a lot better though. Twice on the weekend my sister said to me, “your butt is getting smaller”. Once was when I was walking down the escalator in front of her at the shopping centre. The second time was when I was bent over, butt in air, in front of the fridge yelling, “Where’s the bloody snow peas!?”

I asked her a dozen times not to say such things unless she can REALLY see an improvement, but she assured me she is not bullshitting. Nice, eh?

I also think I’ve lost some weight off my waist. Well, the area commonly known as waist to the rest of the world, but the line between boobs and hips became blurred for me a few years back. Anyway, i’ve lost a bit from there. I kept looking at myself in the mirror at work today, to make sure the fat didn’t creep back on while I wasn’t looking.

There’s so much I want to write about in here, in particular my How I Became A Pork story. I just have to get around to writing it. I hope you will all read it. I am soaking up your support and kindness like a sponge. It’s the understanding that I have so craved over the years.

(Btw, “pork” is my sis and I’s term for being overweight. “Oh look at me, I’m such a pork!” etc etc.)

Oh well. I have to try and take my mind off tonight, I am getting butterflies already and it’s not for another four hours. I will go and do some work for a change, since, after all, I am at work!

I Dream of Trifle

Well, that title is a lie. I haven't dreamed of trifle in over a week now!

Last weekend I woke up after having a dream about trifle. I don't know if trifle is a particularly Australian thing or not. In case you don't know, let me enlighten you. There's sponge cake on the bottom soaked in sweet sherry. Then there's fruit and jelly (jello). Then there's custard. Then there's whipped cream. Then there's crushed nuts on top.

Then there's about a tub of lard added to your thighs once you've eaten it!

Over Christmas we made about three of these and ate it all between us. Layer upon layer of fatty goodness. But hey, the jelly was diet!

Anyway, in my dream I was eating it. I was munching on a big spoonful of cream and crushed nuts. I woke up and could taste and thought instantly, "I think I'll have some of that leftover trifle for breakfast!"

As I extracted my voluminous butt from the bed I thought, "Oh hang on! There's no trifle! We don't DO trifle anymore!"

I went and had some cereal instead. Groovy.

So I am getting great with the eating thing. I don't even look at the bad stuff lately. It doesn't even occur to me to eat it! I don't want to eat it. I know better know. I know that little wedge of mudcake I was offered at work is 26 points!

It's just the Moving My Arse thing I need to get happening. I am walking a few times a week, but overall I need to move more. I didn't get this big just from bad eating. I basically have been a slug for the past few years. Working at a computer all day doesn't help. Even the most basic household activities get me puffed. So my aim for next week is to just MOVE MORE. Does anyone have any brilliant tips on exercise? Be sure to let me know!

Shakin’ That Ass

So, this week, I’ve made sure I ate right up to the 26 points instead of way down at 22 or so. But as a result, I have this horrid guilt that I am eating too much. I know that I’m not, but I guess I have some fucked up idea that I should feel deprived if I am going to lose anything! I feel guilt over every mouthful, even though it’s healthy stuff!

But I am working on getting over that. I have been trying new recipes and new foods and really enjoying that.

And exercise! I actually went for a walk two days in a row. No big deal you say, but you have nooooooo idea how unfit I am, and how I huff and puff and complain. On Wednesday I walked the dog for 20 mins, and that is sooo exhausting as he is so small and bouncy and has endless energy. He yanks the leash so I get dragged along! And get exhausted all too quickly!

Last night I ignored his pleading puppy dog eyes and went for a walk on my own. Much more productive! I walked for a good half hour at my own plodding pace. The air was fresh and clean and I felt fan-bloody-tastic. I really must do that more often.