Yay Me

I lost 1.8 kg last night (4lb). I FINALLY managed to lose something over a kilo. I was getting sick of point this and point that. I want something SUBSTANTIAL, goddamit.

So I tried extra hard this week. I did a shitload of exercise. I felt fantastic. And it paid off. Huzzah! And that extra good loss this week has just been a shot of adrenaline in terms of determination and focus. Yay.

Part of me was truly worried that I really still needed that extra weight on the scales at WW, so when it became clear I was well under it now, I felt so happy I coulda cried. The weigh-in lady gave me a huge hug and I squealed and acted like an idiot. But hey! Why not? I worked hard for it and I felt fantastic.

Now next week I can stroll on in and jump on the scales like a “normal” fat person instead of Super Huge Lard Ass That Needs The Special Weight On The Scale.

Yay me, is all I can say.

Chocolat

I’m prone to getting in a huff when I’ve "only" lost a pound and becoming a grumpy butt, thinking that I’ll never get there. But then something happens to remind me of how far I’ve come.

Today I decided to clean out my desk at work. I’ve been here for 18 months now, and decided it was high time to venture into the Drawers of Doom. Oh dear. Every draw had millions of tiny brown crumbs in the bottom of them. CHOCOLATE CRUMBS!

How did I ever have the nerve to WONDER why I got so bloody fat when half a Cadbury’s factory was sitting in my desk drawer? Nearly every day I would bring some chocolate to work. At lunchtime I wander to the shops and get some more. And I’d be SO sneaky about it. I’d hide it beside my computer and "discreetly" break off a piece and nibble away. Yeah, about as bloody discreet as my enormous arse! I can’t believe I thought noone would notice. When I started WW, a friend and colleague said, "Well now you won’t be able to have your little choccie stash!"

How embarrassing. I even got so pathetic and sneaky that I’d get in to work early when noone else was around. Then I’d break up the chocolate bar into squares and put it in a container so I could eat it during the day without the tell-tale rustling of foil wrappers!

I also used to go the Pick-And-Mix lollies in the supermarket, where you get to choose from a bazillion different candies and pay by the pound. I used to get caramel kisses, coconut drops, chocolate frogs, chocolate almonds, cherry ripe pieces, mini easter eggs… a generous bagful then transfer it to my Chocolate Container in my desk drawer and nibble on that throughout the week.

And of course with chocolate, you don’t stop at one piece. It became a habit, like answering the phone or blowing my nose or typing at the keyboard – just something I did at work. I barely even tasted it, it was like an unconscious habit after awhile.

I haven’t had chocolate in nine weeks. If the craving hits me, I have a WW Chocolate Mousse (one point for a little tub) or a sachet of Jarrah Choc-O-Lait – just add hot water for a half-point cup of hot chocolate. I can even add two marshmellows for another half point if it’s a MAJOR craving. But I don’t do that all the time, like I used to. It’s under control now.

It’s so dangerous when these extremely bad eating patterns become the norm, your everyday practice. 10 weeks ago, my life revolved around food. I’d wake up wondering what I’d have for lunch that day, which fatty concoction to choose from the Food Court at the shopping centre. And even as I ate that greasy fare I’d be wondering what to snack on that afternoon, a chocolate bar or some potato chips? Or both? And what about dinner? And after dinner there’s dessert, which of course is followed by some ungodly fattening after-dinner-parking-your-arse-on-the-couch snacking.

I am shocked and disgusted that this was my EVERYDAY eating! Can you imagine how many bazillion WW points that would be?

But there’s no way I’m going back to that now. I’d end up dead at 25 if I kept that up. And it’s such a bitch cleaning those bloody chocolate crumbs from the desk drawers!

Two Months

I can't believe it's been two months since I started on this thing. It's gone by pretty quickly.

I'm very happy with the amount of loss according to the scales, but I don't feel that I look much different. My pants are a bit baggy now, and things fit a lot better, but nothing is too big yet. To those people reading who've lost a good chunk of weight, could you please tell me how long it took before there was a visible difference?

I had an okay week, I guess. I didn't exercise enough. I also ate out three times, which doesn't help. Then there was my sisters birthday cake. I made it, a 97% fat free mix, only 4.5 points per huge chunk, but I ate about 5 pieces of it throughout the week. I counted every point but it still made me feel like a pig. I'm in danger of getting into a slump, so I need to pick up my game.

I feel kinda apathetic and still overwhelmed by it all. I'm also so impatient. And I get frustrated by my pudgy body and how easily I tire when exercising. I read people like Fred and Robyn who are like the King and Queen of Exercise, and I wonder how the hell they do it. I wonder if it will ever be less of a struggle for me.

Blah.

Last night I weighed in – 0.8 kilos gone for the week (1.8 pounds). I was very happy with that, considering all the eating out. The weigh-in girls were so excited for me because I am only 0.4 kg (a bit less than a pound) from being weighed "normally" – without that extra weight on the scale. They told me they're not even going to put the weight on next week coz they said they're confident I will knock over that 0.4 this week. I know I can do it.

But I want to lose MORE than 0.4. I am sick of losing such tiny amount lately. I have SO much weight to lose, it will take me freaking 20 years to get it off.

It all comes back to the goddamn exercise again. I know they say it makes the weight come off quicker. So I set my alarm to get up before work and walk. But what did I do? Hit snooze and sleep in instead. Blah.

Written In The Stars

SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your body is so healthy these days that you may not believe what you're feeling. Your brain is working at such peak efficiency you could be in danger of scaring yourself. Love makes so much sense that you might be worried you're misinterpreting the evidence. But the cosmic joke is on you, Scorpio. These gifts are yours at no cost and without obligation. There'll be no hell to pay later. So tell that big bad critic in the back of your mind to shut up. Let the liberation begin.

My stars today. Woo!

Tantrums

I'll admit, I had a little tantrum when I "only" lost 0.6 kg (1.3 lb) last night. I guess I was hoping for a bigger loss, due to my ultra good committment and regular exercise. I felt disappointed, because I wanted to get that goddamn extra weight thing off the scale. Then of course the next thought in the spiral is "if it's gonna come off this slow then I'll NEVER be slim."

Blah blah blah, pathetic I know. But then the WW weigh-in chick pointed out that I'd now lost a total of 18 kilos (39.6 pounds) and I felt a little better. Isn't it ridiculous how worked up you can get over a scale?

I guess the little impatient bitch in me thinks the weight should just peel off in big chunks because I am working at it so well. Little Impatient Bitch tends to knock out Sane Sensible Girl who knows the weight needs to come off nice and steady if I have any hope of it staying off for good. Next week, kiddies. I want to get under that 140 kilo mark. I will cry if I don't. Or another little tantrum at least.

Only The Lonely

I had the most pathetic weekend. The only word for it is "wallowed". I wallowed. My sister was working nights so I spent most of the time on my own, alone with my brain that never stops thinking. If I happen to get into a good mood my brain goes, "Well this is no fun for me. How bout I kick off a bunch of crap thoughts and watch her spiral into a miserable mood?"

All I could think about was how long it had been since I’ve been out on the town on a Friday or Saturday night. It’s well over a year. The bigger I got the more reclusive I got. The bigger I got the less worthy I felt. Why should I go out? Who the hell would want to spend time with me? I feel like I am an embarrassment to those around me, and to myself.

Two years ago I graduated from university, and we had the formal ball thing. I went along and had a good time for awhile but then all of a sudden I sobered up, and my friends said we were moving on to a club. I suddenly felt I had to escape. That I shouldn’t be there at all. So I told them I would meet them at the club, but I just had to go home for a minute (I lived right by). So I went home. But I didn’t go back out. I locked the doors and turned out all the lights. I looked at myself in the mirror, how I’d tried to pretty myself up for the night but it just didn’t work. Then I just cried and cried.

That sparked off a year of extreme depression and bad shit in my life, that I always attributed to my post-uni uncertainty and stress about finding a job. But now I can admit much of it stemmed from my weight. Everything does, really. There’s no escaping that. Everything I do in life (and mostly, what I *don’t* do) is impacted by how I feel about my weight. I can’t walk to a little meeting at work without feeling the panic that everyone will look at me and write me off as incapable and/or stupid because of my weight.

Getting back to Saturday night… I was feeling lonely. I feel lonely a lot. It’s not that I don’t have friends, I do, and often I am my own worst enemy. I go into recluse mode and shut people out coz I don’t feel I am worth the effort.

It’s the romance thing that gets me lonely. It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed. Since someone looked at me like they cared. That they wanted me. I crave for someone to just look my way and smile.

Bah.

Now I’ve started this weight loss caper, I feel better about myself everyday. But deep down I still feel so pathetic. And I worry about when it comes off, will anyone like what’s underneath? I am still gonna be plain ol me. Just a bit smaller. Is it going to make me more confident or will I still be the same social doofus that I am now? I guess it’s now if noone wants me I can put it down to "ugly fat chick", but if I was no longer ugly fat chick, what happens if noone still wants me then?

Bah. I dunno why I even think about these things. It’s not something I need to consider for awhile yet. I am still a whale.

* * * * *

I am so nervous about my weigh-in tonight I feel like I am going to vomit.

Urgh.

It’s like this every week. Panic and fear mixed with the teeniest bit of hope and excitment that I might just do okay.

Cross your fingers for pathetic ol’ me, eh?

Walk This Way

I have nothing to say except I have exercised for THREE DAYS IN A ROW which is an unprecedented occurance for the lazy lump commonly known as Dietgirl. Huzzah!