Saggy Ass

Hurrah! Week 2 of the 11 Week Challenge is over and I lost 2.2kg, which is 4.8 lb. I have been making a pretty huge effort to be good with the food, and I’ve been walking up a storm. Also headed back to the gym this week, at last. Things are looking good. However I am sure the big losses of the past two weeks can be put down to my body going into shock coz I’d been pretty crap for awhile there. I expect the loss will slow down now, but hopefully I will be on track to be 110 by December 31!

This Saturday I plan to tackle a new challenge, a Body Combat class. The WW weigh-lady goes to my gym and is singing the praises of that class. It’s kind of martial-artsy, taebo-ish, tai-chi-esque type thing. Hehe. I’ve been meaning to start that class for a few weeks now but my Saturday mornings have been consumed by moving and unpacking and cleaning, but this Saturday morning is free so I have no excuse. I always thought I’d had to wait til I was fitter, but the Fit Fairy is not going to come along and sprinkle me with Athlete’s Dust while I sleep. I need to get out there and just have a go at my own slovenly pace, dying quietly up the back of the class.

I also bought a kickboard and some goggles for the pool. Since I seem to have lost the ability to swim properly, I thought I could do some kickin’ laps. I thought kickboards were only for kiddies, but I saw heaps of people at the pool powering up and down with them. Plus the girls had them on The Secret Life Of Us, and I love that show, so if they do it, it must be cool, right? 😛

Speaking of the pool, I realised the other day how bad my self-image and esteem still is. We were all set to go swimming late Sunday afternoon. Last time we went it was 5pm and very quiet. But this weekend my sister had to go out later so we turned up at the pool at 3pm. I got out of the car and saw all these kiddies and families going in, all skinny little things of course. I said to my sister, "I can’t do this." I just froze. I couldn’t walk in there and "swim" with so many people around. I felt physically sick and panicky. So after much apologising and weak explainations to my sister, we went home. Then I went and sat on my bed and had a little cry and felt like the fattest pork in the universe.

This was in spite of a positive thing the day before: I saw a friend of mine who went overseas in March 2000. I was huge then but I think I gained almost another 20 kilos (44lb) or so before I joined WW in January 2001 (yes I ate bigtime in the year 2000). So realistically, from March 2000 to now, I didn’t think I was that much smaller. I didn’t expect much of a reaction. She looked at me twice when we hugged hello. Then a couple of minutes later she said in her usual blunt style, "Fucking hell, you’ve lost a shitload of weight!"

I woo-hooed a bit and hugged her and said thanks because she was one of about 5 people who actually noticed. She said I looked fantastic and couldn’t imagine how people could not possibly notice.

So that was good. Then before we went swimming I got out my new black swimmers that I only have worn once. When I put them on the arse of them was all baggy. It looked like I was a baby with a shitty nappy (diaper to you americans), that’s how low they were hanging round my arse. Big chunks of fabric. They were all loose under the arms too. So either my swimmers got wildly stretched when I handwashed them, or my bod has shrunk a bit in the past 3 weeks since the last swim. I guess all that moving house and lifting stuff has shaped me a bit, but I dunno if it could have made much of a difference. Either way I was a bit annoyed coz the bastards cost me $70 and now they’re unwearable! So I got these other ones mum got me, size 20. They fit! Amazing. Size 20. Then again it’s swimmers and they stretch and they were probably a bit too tight across the arse, but they looked quite good. As good as it gets for 116 kilos in a swimsuit I guess.

Anyway, with all that, you’d THINK I would have been feeling all positive about myself, but nooooo. The sight of all those kids and lovely slim people at the pool made me freak. I felt disgusted for being at all happy with myself. Why? Because I’ve just downgraded from Super Fat Chick to Slightly Less Fat Chick. I am still a fat chick. I am stil miles and miles from ever being able to go swimming and feeling so hideously out of place. I am miles from being able to buy clothes from a "normal" shop. That realisation is hard to handle sometimes.

But I got over it. Kinda. I mean, it’s something that I torture myself with time and time again. But the torture is pointless. I have to stay focuses on the goals and just try and be happy with what I’ve achieved so far. I’ll get there eventually. Won’t I?

The 11 Week Challenge

RIGHT. I am back. With a venegance. With renewed passion. Like a bad Bruce Willis sequel.

Things are still screwy and I am moving house this weekend, life could not get any more crazy. But the fat waits for noone, in fact it tends to gather more troops if you ignore it for awhile. So I have to go back into battle. Mwahaha.

So the big epiphany came with Miss Nessajane’s “89 kilos by christmas” post. That’s her goal for the next ten weeks. That’s what I was missing, I needed a new goal! I needed to be more specific, I needed a vision! I had written down on my calendar on the Jan 31 entry “110?”. I think that was in March, must have done some statistical analysis and decided that’s where I wanted to be at the end of the year.

Last night I lost 0.3kg, meaning I know weight 118.7 kg. So I have eleven weeks in which to lose 8.7 kg.

CAN SHE DO IT? YES SHE CAN!

Well I can come bloody close. And the last week of that is Christmas, so it will be the ultimate test of my strength and determination. Woohoo, bring it on! I need a new challenge.

Also emailling my good lass Cathy (not related to Fitness Chick Cathy) and she said that it’s come to a point in her weight loss when only 100% effort will do! And she’s right. I have become complacent and half-arsed and not really giving it my all. So I need to shake things up.

So I dragged out the WW books and read the stuff that I thought I knew already and realised while my eating is pretty healthy, I was eating just *too much* of it. So back to the old POINTS COUNTIN’ for me. Good lord. What a pain in the arse. But hey, I told myself, just try it for a week and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn’t, well I’ll stop.

I am really determined now. When I am hungry I’ll now be thinking, “do I want this or do I want that 110?”. It’s as simple as that. I am glad Nessa wrote that entry, everything clicked with me after that. It was stuff I already knew but I was so busy lounging around in my rut that I didn’t take heed. Now I feel like I want to make the effort to succeed despite the crap going on around me.

On the exercise front, I went to the pool last weekend! Can you believe it? Me in a pool? I hadn’t swam for nearly a decade, so ashamed of my whale-ish bod. But got some decent cozzies (black, size 22) and said “what the hell!”. Problem was, I seem to have lost the ability to swim! Mwahaha. Oh well. I dip a few laps of some unique stroke that I invented on the spot. Enough to make me puffed with flaming muscles. It was fantastic! And the water was so nice.

Really have mucho more to say but wrist is all screwy from overuse. Much pain. Oww. More soon!

Up and Down

Well here I am again. You’ll be happy to know I am no longer out of control with my eating. In fact I’ve been very good. I went back to WW on Monday night and had gained 0.6, which is about a pound and a half. Consider two weeks of being crap and not exercising enough, I did well.

But even though I knew I deserved to gain, I still felt annoyed about it. I feel like I am so far away from my goal. I still wonder if I am ever going to get there. It’s so depressing to have so much to lose. I have so far to go before I can look even remotely "normal sized".

A friend of mine overseas knows how much I’ve lost and thinks it’s all very amazing. "You must look really, 40 kilos gone? That’s so much weight!". Sure it’s a lot of weight but nobody I know in person would ever, ever say I look like I’d lost 40 kilos. I don’t look much different at all. Just slightly less obese. Great. I still have to lose another 40 kilos. And it will be much harder than the first 40 kilos. I feel so tired and miserable at the thought of having to do that all again and I wonder if it will ever happen.

I seem to have lost my joy and spark and enthusiasm. I am merely going through the motions in all aspects of my life right now and feel like I am about to cry at any moment. I know this feeling from a couple years ago and I don’t like it.

< snip >

So yeah, I wrote that yesterday. I was feeling pretty shite then.

Feel a little better today but not overwhelmingly good. I am trying hard to get my spark back.

I am developing a problem with cardio lately. I just can’t do it. Well there is no can’t, more like, I am a lazy shit. I find cardio so excruciatingly BORING. Plus I think I am doing my routine all wrong, I do about 5 minutes warm-up cardio then do some weights. Then after that I am sposed to do 20-30 mins cardio. I am lucky if I am doing ten minutes lately. After than I am sposed to finish off with the ab work.

That is following the program my friend and Fitness Chick Cathy gave me, a combo of the two. The basic idea from both of them was warm up > weights > cardio > abs > stretching. I guess I am not fit enough for all that. Maybe I need to split it up better? I dunno. I am all out of ideas. I want to be all fit and enthused like Nessajane.

I wasn’t TOO worried about the cardio thing, coz I walk the dog every day (only 20 mins, I need to step that up i know) and Wednesday’s fitball class is an hour of full-on cardio. But Fitness Chick Cathy has injured herself and won’t be taking the class for two months! So now we have this other weirdo chick and it’s all strength stuff which I found really boring (I’d much rather do the weights for my strength stuff) and the music sucks arse, it’s really dinky cheesy stuff reminiscent of the Eurovision Song Contest. Urgh.

So there goes my cardio blast. God I loved that class so much. What to do now? I have finally convinced my sister to start Pump class with me. Pump is weights with music, basically, and looks very intense. Everyone I know who does it LOVES it and say it just changes your body. So next week we’ll start pump. We’re also going to start swimming, so there’s some cardio. I still look like a whale in my swimmers but what the hell. I am bored with the usual cardio so I need to shake it up.

If anyone has some more ideas please let me know, I am in a major rut right now and I’m having trouble seeing anything positive. I am paranoid that I am getting all fat again. I just feel really grotty and sad and yuck.

Thankyou to everyone who wrote or guestbooked, it meant a lot to me to know people are cheering me on. You can never have too much of that!

I am going to get there, I know, but it’s happening so much slower than I’d like. Before everything was going so swimmingly in my life I could afford to be totally focused on the weight loss caper. Then everything else fell apart and suddenly it was pushed down the bottom of my list. It’s sink or swim time for me. Life is always going to be up and down, and I have to learn to cope with crap and stay focused on my weight loss goals at the same time. Just have to convince myself it’s possible.

Sausages

Nessajane’s latest entry just made me cry and cry because it’s all too similar to my story. I love that girl and her writing so much. It continually amazes me, the common threads of this whole Fat Experience. We too never had junk food in our house, so when I was at my skinny friends’ houses I pig out on all their food. I’d sneak it and steal it. And my mother did the chip thing too! I couldn’t believe Nessajane’s mum did the same. Stuffing them in and noone else was allowed to have them.

Why do we abuse food like this? I feel in many ways it is no different from any other kind of addiction. On the weekend I thought I would simply fall apart if I didn’t start stuffing food into me. I was almost manic with the need to do it, my head was screaming "stop it stop it", stop it as in "please stop this pain" instead of "please stop this eating". I wanted the food to make me shut down and forget all the crap happening.

Things are just getting worse with that situation, and you know what disappoints me the most? Finding out that "friends" suddenly only want you talk if you have good things to say. They don’t want to hear about your grief and problems. And I wasn’t even complaining. I was just really hurt and upset and needing to talk but they went all weird on me. It’s okay for me to listen to everyone else’s problems but if I ever deviate from the happy laughy dietgirl, they can’t handle it.

Also, someone signed my guestbook as "Hmmm". In the mood I am in now I am prone to paranoia so if Hmmm is reading this and Hmmm has figured out who I am, just bloody tell me, okay? Write me an email. Whatever. I just don’t fucking care if you know. So I’m a big fat lump, shoot me.

I didn’t go to WW on Monday night. First time in the entire 38 weeks that I haven’t been there for a weigh-in. I just couldn’t do it. It’s pathetic I know.

I was eating so badly. I even had sausages on Monday. Sausages! I may well have stapled them straight to my butt, they are so fatty. I’d also eaten some chocolate and a McFlurry and I felt sick. All I could do was taste the grease and sugar and crap in my mouth and my stomach was protesting. I hadn’t treated it so poorly for almost nine months. So that’s when I stopped the crazy eating. I am not going there again.

I’ve gotten some really nice emails and I really need to start replying to them. Once again I am apologising and asking for your patience. I feel so pathetic every time I write that.

I am going to fitball tonight and I hope for a sweaty, intense, punishing workout. I want to bounce the tension right out of me! So there.