Up and Down

Well here I am again. You’ll be happy to know I am no longer out of control with my eating. In fact I’ve been very good. I went back to WW on Monday night and had gained 0.6, which is about a pound and a half. Consider two weeks of being crap and not exercising enough, I did well.

But even though I knew I deserved to gain, I still felt annoyed about it. I feel like I am so far away from my goal. I still wonder if I am ever going to get there. It’s so depressing to have so much to lose. I have so far to go before I can look even remotely "normal sized".

A friend of mine overseas knows how much I’ve lost and thinks it’s all very amazing. "You must look really, 40 kilos gone? That’s so much weight!". Sure it’s a lot of weight but nobody I know in person would ever, ever say I look like I’d lost 40 kilos. I don’t look much different at all. Just slightly less obese. Great. I still have to lose another 40 kilos. And it will be much harder than the first 40 kilos. I feel so tired and miserable at the thought of having to do that all again and I wonder if it will ever happen.

I seem to have lost my joy and spark and enthusiasm. I am merely going through the motions in all aspects of my life right now and feel like I am about to cry at any moment. I know this feeling from a couple years ago and I don’t like it.

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So yeah, I wrote that yesterday. I was feeling pretty shite then.

Feel a little better today but not overwhelmingly good. I am trying hard to get my spark back.

I am developing a problem with cardio lately. I just can’t do it. Well there is no can’t, more like, I am a lazy shit. I find cardio so excruciatingly BORING. Plus I think I am doing my routine all wrong, I do about 5 minutes warm-up cardio then do some weights. Then after that I am sposed to do 20-30 mins cardio. I am lucky if I am doing ten minutes lately. After than I am sposed to finish off with the ab work.

That is following the program my friend and Fitness Chick Cathy gave me, a combo of the two. The basic idea from both of them was warm up > weights > cardio > abs > stretching. I guess I am not fit enough for all that. Maybe I need to split it up better? I dunno. I am all out of ideas. I want to be all fit and enthused like Nessajane.

I wasn’t TOO worried about the cardio thing, coz I walk the dog every day (only 20 mins, I need to step that up i know) and Wednesday’s fitball class is an hour of full-on cardio. But Fitness Chick Cathy has injured herself and won’t be taking the class for two months! So now we have this other weirdo chick and it’s all strength stuff which I found really boring (I’d much rather do the weights for my strength stuff) and the music sucks arse, it’s really dinky cheesy stuff reminiscent of the Eurovision Song Contest. Urgh.

So there goes my cardio blast. God I loved that class so much. What to do now? I have finally convinced my sister to start Pump class with me. Pump is weights with music, basically, and looks very intense. Everyone I know who does it LOVES it and say it just changes your body. So next week we’ll start pump. We’re also going to start swimming, so there’s some cardio. I still look like a whale in my swimmers but what the hell. I am bored with the usual cardio so I need to shake it up.

If anyone has some more ideas please let me know, I am in a major rut right now and I’m having trouble seeing anything positive. I am paranoid that I am getting all fat again. I just feel really grotty and sad and yuck.

Thankyou to everyone who wrote or guestbooked, it meant a lot to me to know people are cheering me on. You can never have too much of that!

I am going to get there, I know, but it’s happening so much slower than I’d like. Before everything was going so swimmingly in my life I could afford to be totally focused on the weight loss caper. Then everything else fell apart and suddenly it was pushed down the bottom of my list. It’s sink or swim time for me. Life is always going to be up and down, and I have to learn to cope with crap and stay focused on my weight loss goals at the same time. Just have to convince myself it’s possible.

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