Lowercase Sneezy Blues

so tonight there was a bunch of girls here. my sister, my gorgeous flatmate, my best mate from high school, and my gorgeous flatmates gorgeous friend. the purpose of the gathering was to consume a lot of alcohol then dress up foxy and hit the town and party all night.

i have been weeping all day due to severe hayfever, my nose is also bright red. i had to stop to blow my dripping nose after every song in my body combat class this morning. so i had taken a few antihistamines thus i could not partake in the drinking.

so i sat around and watched all my friends get drunk then watch them get all dressed up to go out and they all look gorgeous. why don’t you come out with us? they keep saying. you can’t just stay home!

oh, i’m feeling all snotty, i don’t feel like going out, i say. but of course the real reason is that there’s just no fucking way i would go out. nightclubs and dancing and guys, it’s my worst nightmare. firstly, i have nothing to wear. sure i have dropped 2 or 3 sizes but i am still so bloody huge, there is nothing nice for me to wear. not a fucking thing. i have looked all over the place. secondly, i have tried being drunk out of my mind to numb the insecurities, but no amount of alcohol can make me feel good when i go out. i see guys smiling and being friendly with my friends and i am standing there trying to join in but of course i don’t exist in their eyes. so to go out stone cold sober and have that feeling of being invisible would be ever worse.

when they all got drunk here tonight, they all started telling funny sex stories and being dirty in general, and i just sit there laughing and nodding and not contributing much, because of course i have nothing much to contribute. i can’t relate to their stories of guys picking them up in bars or sex in funny locations.

the only people who’ve ever wanted me were absolute deadshits. if any americans are not familiar with that term, i guess it just means that the guys were complete losers who treated me badly and i just let them because that was all i could seem to get at the time. and it seemed they were only with me because i was the only one stupid enough to say yes to them.

so now i wonder if there will ever be anyone decent who’ll want me. it’s even been three years since the last deadshit. i don’t even get those coming after me now.

i just couldn’t face that tonight, sitting there feeling so alone, i get up and dance and force myself to laugh and pretend i just love to be ignored by the opposite sex.

when they all left the house they all hugged and kissed me and said i should have been going out with them and i better bloody come out next time, and i nod and smile and promise that i will. ha.

god can you hear how fucking pathetic i sound? as soon as they got in the taxi i just started to cry and cried and cried and cried. i feel so fucking ugly and unlovable. unlovable isn’t the word. undesirable? do you know how long it’s been since i felt like someone was attracted to me? i forget what it feels like.

i feel so angry because i want to be out there enjoying myself, i want to be all dressed up and young and crazy like my dear friends. but even if i did find something to wear, as soon as i got out there and my vodka-induced confidence wore off, i’d be back to feeling horrible and i’d have to make up some excuse to come home early and then cry for hours.

i can’t believe i am writing this. god could i be any more pathetic.

my upper arms are so fucking horrible. i am working my arse off at the gym but they just don’t seem to get any less fat.

in the month of november i only loss 0.4kg. that is less that one pound. big fucking whoopee. i did so much exercise, i am thoroughly addicted to body combat (i would love to take up kickboxing) and my body pump (weights) class is building some serious muscle. but until this week i was a little slack with the food.

so therefore i am still disgusting. i weigh 115kg. five weeks to go in the eleven week challenge. i don’t know how i could possibly lose 5kg in 5 weeks.

i hate feeling like this. i thought i was over it now. i thought i liked me okay. but as soon as i get put in a social situation i just feel like shit again.

sorry to be so bloody self-indulgent and pathetic. and sorry for swearing so much.

thankyou all who wrote or guestbooked!

okay enough of this crap. bedtime.

Are You Ready For My Jelly?

Sometimes I feel I should write a new entry, it’s usually on a Wednesday or Thursday. But it seems every time I write such an entry and crap on about how good I’m feeling and how I KNOW I’m going to lose on Monday, Monday rolls around and then I gain. And then I get upset about the gain and I feel to disappointed to write. But if I don’t write in here at all, I miss the support and feedback from you guys and I end up gaining.

Hmmm.

Anyway, I had a good week last week, I got back on track with my eating. I did three Pump classes. I LOVE the Pump classes! It’s been about five weeks now and I am sprouting muscle like you wouldn’t believe. It’s hard to see under the fat, but baby, you can FEEL IT! Oh I love it. My quads (front of thigh) are so hard. Hee hee. I made my flatmate feel them. Feel my legs! Feeeeeeeeeeeeel them! And my arms! Phwoar! There’s so much muscle there now. What a pity about the flab covering them, eh?

Anyway, I love the weights. It’s so fun! So so so good! I love it. It’s easy to push yourself in a Pump class, because all you have to do is add more weight to your bar. First class I could only use the smallest weight (1.25kg on each side = 2.5 kg all up) but now I am squatting with 10 kilos and my other weights have gone up too. LOVE IT! Love it love it. It can only get better, baby! More weights. More more more. Of course, the secret is good form, so I only increase the weight when I am confident that I am doing the exercises properly.

To show how addicted I am: Monday night I do Pump at 6.30. This means I have to Weigh And Run at WW. It doesn’t give me much time. So I weighed and ran and arrived at the gym at 6.25pm. And there were NO WEIGHTS LEFT! Despite us booking our place in the class and everything. Even if there HAD been weights there would have been no room on the floor. There must have been 35 bloody people jammed into that room. And we were #4 and #5 on the list! I was so angry! They shouldn’t overbook like that. All we could do was leave. The gym floor was too crowded to work out there, too. So I had to storm home. I was so pissed off! I had been looking forward to the workout all bloody day long. Wah. I felt all ansty and cranky for the whole night. I guess I am addicted to the rush of exercise. Who would have thought that fat ol ME would love exercise? Amazing.

Anyway. I gained 0.1 kg at WW. That is like 0.05 lb. Pah! I should have gone to the bathroom before class! I was positive I’d had a good loss, I felt smaller, but then we had a big lunch at work, whereas I normally eat very light on Mondays. So of course I was all thunderously cranky after that. I felt like never coming back to WW. Seriously, what is the point? I am building muscle like a mofo so the scales are not my friend. I need to focus on the other things I’m doing well.

Hmm what else? I am still hooked on Body Combat. Pow! Great stress release. I also even tried a new class called Body Jam, which is basically dancing! You do hip hip songs and latin and R&B, it’s SO much fun. I was absolutely TERRIBLE at it. My legs kept getting all tangled up, it was such a fast pace, and the moves so complicated! I’d never sweated so much in my whole life! But I didn’t care, I kept going. It was a lot of fun. How could you go wrong with a class where you get to shake your ass to Destiny’s Child singing Bootylicious?

I am telling you people, exercise is GOLD. Exercise is amazing for your body. Your body will love you for it. In January, I could not walk ONE BLOCK without stopping and clutching my chest and feeling like I would cry from exhaustion. I was in serious trouble. But now! Man! I can’t get enough exercise! It makes me feel good! WW meetings can not give me that kind of motivation and inspiration.

The key is finding an activity you like. People told me that when I started, but I said "I don’t like any activity!". But that was a cop-out. You have to work to find it! Try different things. I’ve tried walking, I’ve tried gym workouts (treadmill, bike etc), I’ve done swimming and now classes at the gym. And FINALLY I worked out that the classes are what works best for me. I just turn up there 4-5 times a week, and for a good solid hour I work out, and I am told what to do, I am pushed, I am not allowed to stop. I don’t have to think for myself. I can’t make excuses. And you know what else? There’s MUSIC! I listen to music all the time at work to get me through the day, so why not apply that to exercise? I find it easy to exercise when I can move my butt to the beat.

So I finally worked out what works for me. It took about 10 months of trying to work it out. You could probably do it sooner. But hey, I am big fat slug and I’m slow 😛 So there. But I urge you, stop fretting over the scale and MOVE YOUR BUTT 🙂

Finally, I love you lovely chickens who wrote/guestbooked over the past month when I’ve been in a very bad sad depressed way. You lifted my spirit so much and while I still have a few more emails to write, I have nearly replied to everyone. You have no idea how much of a reality check you collectively gave me. It really means a lot. THANKYOU so much.

Well, my fitball class is on soon so I better go. Cheers!