so tonight there was a bunch of girls here. my sister, my gorgeous flatmate, my best mate from high school, and my gorgeous flatmates gorgeous friend. the purpose of the gathering was to consume a lot of alcohol then dress up foxy and hit the town and party all night.
i have been weeping all day due to severe hayfever, my nose is also bright red. i had to stop to blow my dripping nose after every song in my body combat class this morning. so i had taken a few antihistamines thus i could not partake in the drinking.
so i sat around and watched all my friends get drunk then watch them get all dressed up to go out and they all look gorgeous. why don’t you come out with us? they keep saying. you can’t just stay home!
oh, i’m feeling all snotty, i don’t feel like going out, i say. but of course the real reason is that there’s just no fucking way i would go out. nightclubs and dancing and guys, it’s my worst nightmare. firstly, i have nothing to wear. sure i have dropped 2 or 3 sizes but i am still so bloody huge, there is nothing nice for me to wear. not a fucking thing. i have looked all over the place. secondly, i have tried being drunk out of my mind to numb the insecurities, but no amount of alcohol can make me feel good when i go out. i see guys smiling and being friendly with my friends and i am standing there trying to join in but of course i don’t exist in their eyes. so to go out stone cold sober and have that feeling of being invisible would be ever worse.
when they all got drunk here tonight, they all started telling funny sex stories and being dirty in general, and i just sit there laughing and nodding and not contributing much, because of course i have nothing much to contribute. i can’t relate to their stories of guys picking them up in bars or sex in funny locations.
the only people who’ve ever wanted me were absolute deadshits. if any americans are not familiar with that term, i guess it just means that the guys were complete losers who treated me badly and i just let them because that was all i could seem to get at the time. and it seemed they were only with me because i was the only one stupid enough to say yes to them.
so now i wonder if there will ever be anyone decent who’ll want me. it’s even been three years since the last deadshit. i don’t even get those coming after me now.
i just couldn’t face that tonight, sitting there feeling so alone, i get up and dance and force myself to laugh and pretend i just love to be ignored by the opposite sex.
when they all left the house they all hugged and kissed me and said i should have been going out with them and i better bloody come out next time, and i nod and smile and promise that i will. ha.
god can you hear how fucking pathetic i sound? as soon as they got in the taxi i just started to cry and cried and cried and cried. i feel so fucking ugly and unlovable. unlovable isn’t the word. undesirable? do you know how long it’s been since i felt like someone was attracted to me? i forget what it feels like.
i feel so angry because i want to be out there enjoying myself, i want to be all dressed up and young and crazy like my dear friends. but even if i did find something to wear, as soon as i got out there and my vodka-induced confidence wore off, i’d be back to feeling horrible and i’d have to make up some excuse to come home early and then cry for hours.
i can’t believe i am writing this. god could i be any more pathetic.
my upper arms are so fucking horrible. i am working my arse off at the gym but they just don’t seem to get any less fat.
in the month of november i only loss 0.4kg. that is less that one pound. big fucking whoopee. i did so much exercise, i am thoroughly addicted to body combat (i would love to take up kickboxing) and my body pump (weights) class is building some serious muscle. but until this week i was a little slack with the food.
so therefore i am still disgusting. i weigh 115kg. five weeks to go in the eleven week challenge. i don’t know how i could possibly lose 5kg in 5 weeks.
i hate feeling like this. i thought i was over it now. i thought i liked me okay. but as soon as i get put in a social situation i just feel like shit again.
sorry to be so bloody self-indulgent and pathetic. and sorry for swearing so much.
thankyou all who wrote or guestbooked!
okay enough of this crap. bedtime.