Cry Baby

I’ve wanted to write in here so many times lately, but everything I’ve wanted to say would clearly blow my cover.

What cover? I’ve mentioned over the past couple of years that I have another website, non-diet, reasonably popular I guess. I’ve always fought to keep Dietgirl completely anonymous. But some people have figured it out. I feel the more I say now, the more people will go "a ha!". But I need to write in here, I need this place to feel like a source of comfort again. So if you figure it out from anything I say, please email me discreetly, don’t shout it to the world.

I dunno where to begin. All I can say is I feel lost and afraid and overwhelmed. I don’t feel like I have control at the moment. For awhile there this year I was really powering down the scale and in control, but lately it’s a mess.

So much is happening. There’s only three weeks til I pack up and leave Australia for this crazy UK adventure. I’ve been trying to sell all our stuff, getting ready to move out, organizing this and that, struggling to make it work financially, dealing with insane family members. Exercise has fallen by the wayside, my eating slipped a little.

Then last week I had some surgery. This left me in a lot of pain and completely unable to eat solid foods. I usually live on salads and vegies and lean meats and grainy breads and seeds and fruit, but I can’t bloody eat any of it. I’ve been weak and in oodles of pain, so I comforted myself with icecream and overdone pasta and mashed potatoes and soft white bread. The eating has gone out the window. A week later, it still hurts too much to eat my "proper" foods. I feel sick to my stomach after every meal and I want to cry, I feel so guilty.

I’m sure it’s not as bad as I think it is, I’ve probably gained 2 kilos or so. But I feel so out of control. This past week just has capped off a whole month of not quite being on track, so it feels bad. I didn’t go to my weigh-in today, coz I know I’d have gained and I didn’t want to see their faces as I lamely sprouted my excuses.

I know I’ve lost my way when I suddenly feel compelled to tell people about how much weight I’ve lost. Why? Because I suddenly feel so fat and ugly and out of control, I think that everyone around me must see me the same way. So I have to try and Explain Myself and tell them, HEY I have lost some SERIOUS weight!

I blurted to my boss the other day how much I’d lost. I’ve only been in my current job six months so she never saw me Supa Huge. I’d just drank a hot chocolate and wanted her to know! She had to know that I was actually trying to lose weight, and I used to be bigger, so I was in control and it’s okay for me to having this! So please don’t look at me and think I am one of those pathetic lost fat people.

Worse still, I told the goddamn team of doctors and nurses about my weight loss. As I came out of anaesthetic and I was babbling on uncontrollably. I told them that I’d lost over 50 kilos, that I was trying to get smaller, just in case you thought I was fat and stupid.

It’s rather funny if you think about it. It must have been playing on my subconscious. I was more worried about them thinking, "Who’s this fat chick under the knife?" than worrying about the surgery itself. I can never seem to lose that sense of people judging me and thinking I am a Stupid Fat Chick.

But you know what? I only feel like that when I don’t feel like I am in control of my life. When I have my shit together, I don’t care what people think. I don’t need their validation.

So this means, right now, I’m lost.

I am crying as I write this. I feel like I am lost and in danger of becoming even more lost. Everything in my life is changing so bloody quickly. I am moving to the other side of the fucking planet. I won’t have anywhere to live, I won’t have a job, so that’s gonna be my initial focus. What about eating and exercise?

People ask me if I am scared of going over to a foreign country with no real idea of what I’m doing. But honestly, I am more scared about gaining my fat back. Of never getting to my goal. I am utterly terrified that I won’t be able to get it together. I worry that if I can do it here, what hope will I have over there with my life so completely new and unstable?

I’m angry at myself for not being smaller. I wanted to have reached a "normal" size before I left. I just wanted to get down to the top of the Non Fat Chick sizes. It was really an attainable goal. I remember looking at my calendar with 28 Weeks To Go and thinking, yep, I’ll get there! I’m doin’ it! Now there’s less than 3 weeks and I’m still shopping in the Fat Chick section.

And I’ve been so utterly crap at updating this bloody website. I used to feel like I was one of the inspiring weight loss journals. But I let it slide. I don’t even know if anyone is reading anymore. Why did I let this happen? I don’t feel part of the "loser community" anymore. All these wonderful journals have popped up in the last year, with focused, motivated people who are succeeding wonderfully. I don’t feel like I am one of those lately.

I wish I knew where the funny, inspiring, entertaining Dietgirl went. I am so scared and worried I feel sick. I know I am going to regret this entry later, it’s whiny and negative and pathetic. But I just need to let this all out. Thanks if you made it this far.