I’ve been busting to tell you all about the gym I joined. It is the Holy Grail of gyms. This gym is the luscious Godiva chocolate of gyms, whereas my old aussie gym was a half-eaten packet of stale Home Brand jelly beans.

First of all, there’s the lighting. I’m in lurve with the lighting. I’m someone who can’t stand bright lights, I freeze up then whimper like a stunned rabbit. Well, not quite. Anyway, most gyms have flourescent strips glaring down at you, illuminating every lump and bump of your unfortunate bod in the mirrors. But this gym has soft flattering light from the reception, the bathrooms, right through to the main gym floor. Instead of feeling self-conscious in such a large space with all those scary machines, it actually feels calm and utterly relaxing.

Then there’s the classes. The timetable rocks! There’s my old favourites, Body Pump and Combat, as well as stepping and spinning and yoga and kung-fu and pilates and ballet and ab’s classes. Fun fun fun. There’s always something to do, and unlike my old gym, they have classes later in the evening so you don’t have to bust a gut getting there right after work.

There’s some killer instructors too. My favourite does the most gruelling Body Combat known to mankind. He makes you run and run and run and punch and punch and punch. He’ll prowl around the room and sorta stare at you with his hands on his hips and watch us do the moves. He yells at us and tells us to yell when we kick coz it burns more calories. He pushes us hard and the music is loud and I gotta say, there’s something very sexy about it. Hehe.

Less appealing is the instructor my sister and I call Shouty McShout. I don’t mind making wild warrior HIIIIIIIYAH! kind of noises, but she makes us do stuuupid noises, like "hoo ha hoo" or "come and get me!" and all this stupid shit. It’s like Playschool, except very sweaty and even more patronising. It’s gotten so bad that we’re avoiding McShouty’s classes altogether.

Oh, almost forgot! There’s a pool! Wheeeeeee! Stupid me thought I’d have no reason to go swimming in the UK, so I literally binned my costume before I left Oz. So I will gaze longling at the AquaFit classes until I can afford to buy some new ones.

So yes, that’s the gym. Bloody expensive but I just can’t live without it. It’s really become somewhere I can run off to have a relax. It’s amusing to write that, I still remember relaxing with a family block of Cadbury’s.

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