I had left a few of The Muffins at home for my sister to eat. She’s a big fan of them and doesn’t have to take my All Or Nothing approach to lose weight. Last night after the gym I was ravenous, even after a generous dinner. I was in the kitchen doing the dishes, taking sneaky glances at the big red tin that I knew had a good three muffins inside it.
C’MON! OPEN ME! the tin was taunting me.
So I did. I just stared at them for about ten minutes thinking What Would Oprah Do? Well it was after 7pm so she wouldn’t eat carbs. Or would she? Is she still on that No Nocturnal Carbs thing? Or would she eat the freakin’ muffin and just get her Exercise Guru to bust her arse harder the next day?
So then I thought, What Would Michael Phelps Do? He would eat the muffin, coz his races were over and he had 6 gold medals and now chicks would want to sleep with him even though he’s not entirely good looking.
Then I thought, What Would Dr Gillian McKeith Do? She would throw the muffin at my head and make me one out of aduki beans and seaweed.
So What Did Dietgirl Do? I thought about how good I’d been and what a workout I’d had at the gym and how I ate muffins in the past and still lost weight and who knows how long it would before I’d have the opportunity to eat such a delicious muffin? But then I thought how I was on a roll and working hard to kick the sugar cravings and I was kidding myself to think I’d eat one muffin then not want six slices of buttered toast and a hot chocolate nightcap.
I decided what I would do was lick the muffin. I’d see if it was good as I remembered, and proceed from there.
Now that I read that sentence I realise how it ranks among the stupidest ideas I’ve ever had.
My hand was still dotted with detergent bubbles as I lifted up the smallest remaining muffin. I briefly swiped my tongue at the bottom. I felt the brief tickle of crumbs but couldn’t taste a thing.
You bloody idiot, I said aloud. I couldn’t believe I just licked a muffin! I didn’t want the muffin! There would be other muffins in my life. For now, I chose not to eat muffins.
So I sawed half an inch off the muffin stump and put the unlicked bit back in the tin.
Here is the recipe for those who asked.
Makes: 12 muffins
Calories: 8000 each (approx)
100g brown sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
4 ripe medium-size bananas, mashed
400g plain (all-purpose) flour
2 teaspoons bicarb soda *
1 teaspoon salt **
1 cup chocolate bits ***
1. Preheat oven to 180′ C (350′ F).
2. Cream butter and sugar til light and fluffy.
3. Add eggs and vanilla, stir til combined and even lighter and fluffier.
4. In a separate bowl, sift flour, salt and bicarb together.
5. Gradually fold flour mix into creamed mixture along with bananas and chocolate until JUST combined. Do not over mix otherwise your muffins will be tough and dry and you will not get that fleeting sense of validation that comes from giving people good muffins.
6. Plop mixture into muffin tray that you have spritzed with cooking spray.
7. Bake for 20 minutes. Leave in the tray for awhile to admire their clunky beauty then turn out to cool.
8. GIVE THEM AWAY. DO NOT EAT THE TASTY LITTLE BASTARDS! ****
* That’s baking soda to you Americans
** I’ve always left out the salt and had no problems.
** My corner store is always sold out of choc bits so I usually get 2 x 100g blocks of Green & Blacks Darker Shade of Milk Chocolate. I smash one up into tiny pieces with a rolling pin (mental note: buy food processor) and just break the other into the usual squares, so you get a good mix of chocolate flecks throughout with the occasional hefty melty chunk.