The Awful Truth

In the spirit of honesty and disclosure, here are some of the excuses I used for eating extremely poorly over the past six weeks or so:

  • My sister is leaving, we'll never go out to [insert name of any number of restaurants] together again, so what the hell!
  • It's the staff Xmas party so I'm having a bacon roll for breakfast with the rest of the guys!
  • Soon I'll be moving into Bagpipe's place which is twenty miles from the Fancy Chocolate Shop so I am going to buy two bars and scoff them down even though I'm about to go out for a boozy lunch with friends
  • It's my mate's farewell dinner so must celebrate with triple vodka and cranberry and handfuls of chips
  • It's Christmas Night and I just worked all day and now I'm in an empty house so I deserve a Thai Takeaway
  • It's our Belated Xmas dinner so I will make this huge Heart Attack In A Bowl Butterscotch And Banana Trifle even though I could easily half or third the recipe since it's only the two of us eating it and we'll end up sick on the leftovers.
  • It's Xmas and it's cold outside so I will have another glass of port (and so on until I had drank the ENTIRE BOTTLE over six day period)
  • Poooor me at work on New Years Day and the shops are closed so I will have to eat these chocolates/ cheeses/ mini quiches/ samosas/ cookies that they're offering me, then go back for more when noone is looking!
  • Bagpipes is in the bath so I will sneak a handful of Cadbury Roses chocolates from the giant tin his Mum gave him even though it's rubbish chocolate coz it's THERE and he'll never know if I stash the wrappers in my handbag!
  • My future is sooo uncertain and this situation is sooo stressful that I may as well have cheese on toast for dinner and a block of chocolate for dessert!
  • I just got engaged so I'm having the scone with butter and jam for breakfast, bringing in cakes for my colleagues and THEN go out for a three course meal with more wine.

The diet books always want you to pinpoint your triggers, to figure out the reasons for your poor choices. But I seem to cover every single one of them. Loneliness, boredom, frustration, anger, extreme anxiety, happiness, mindless intoxication. Secret eating, boozy eating, lazy eating. I've done it all, baby.

All I know is that it started with a couple of tiny Celebrations chocolates, you know those seemingly innocent mini versions of Mars Bars and Maltesers and other cheap, sickly candies. A colleague gave me a box as a gift and I opened them and told everyone in the office to go for it. I stayed away all of half an hour til I thought, "Maybe a little tiny Milky Way would go down nicely…"

Once the cravings were kicked off by those crappy chocs, all I could think about was food, more more more, I craved the textures and the feeling of it. Once again, I just lost that ability to stop and think. All my steady, consistent gymming and sensible eating went out the window. I just didn't let up for weeks and weeks. I just stopped thinking about what I was doing, completely. The voice that knows a whole tub of Ben & Jerry's is not a dinner had fallen silent.

Needless to say I felt like shit. Not only had I been consuming a truckload of fat and sugar, my body was also trying to deal with alcohol, something that had never been a problem for me before. I kept laying on the couch at SC's place (after yet another bowl of leftover trifle), so bloated it was bordering on painful. No energy, no self esteem left. Moaning out loud, "WHY am I doing this to myself? Why don't I stop?!". I kept postponing the "Back On Track" date as different opportunities to eat crap food came up. It got so bad that when SC put his arm round me as he slept, as he does very often, I had to move coz it felt like a log had fallen on me, all heavy and painful on my tortured gut.

So yeah. My eating has been atrocious. On Wednesday morning I decided it was time to face up to reality, so I hopped on the scale. I weighed 95.9 kilos. In the morning. In the nude. Last official weigh-in posted here in November, I was 92.4 in clothes and heavy gym shoes!

Good lord.

I'm a disgrace, kids – this I know. And you will probably be disappointed especially if you have looked up to me as some sort of weight loss success. But now that I have definite plans for my future, goals and dates, I am SO over it, all that anxiety and stress and excuse-making. I ready to move forward. I have done some damage but this past week I did a lot of writing and planning and goal-setting and got ready to rock.

SO, the first thing I did was to sit down and work out my motivations.

I've never, ever felt so shit from a period of bad eating before. Maybe it's the contrast from normal eating/exercise and shock to the body, coz when I was 150 kilos I don't remember ever feeling so ill and in actual pain. Headaches, stomach aches, bloating, insomnia, moodiness, crying from feeling so miserable.

Diabetes is rampant in my family, and I am petrified I will end up with it if I keep doing this. So I am back on track for my health, both physical and mental. I will also go get a diabetes test just to make sure, it's been two years since the last so it can't hurt.

A wedding is the mother of all vanity goals! And looks like I'll be having a few of them. Weddings, that is. There'll be a shindig in Scotland and then a wee party in Australia – we're planning to visit in early October. The Australia one is what really has me motivated. I'll have all my friends and family in the one spot, and most of them won't have seen me for anywhere between two and five years. COOL! So I have nine months in which to be looking my foxiest. Never mind showing off the new husband, I want to show off ME! Dietgirl's Triumphant Return To The Homeland!

Ha ha! But seriously, can you blame me for wanting to be dazzling? Short of landing at the party in a helicopter on top of a red carpet, the most spectacular entrance I can think of is to just be looking sexy as hell and actually having some freakin' confidence, instead of being the occassional-joke-cracking wallflower they remember. As added motivation, I've lined up a photographer already. One of my favourite Aussie photobloggers has agreed to do the shots! I am so excited as I love their stuff to bits. It may be a couple years before I see my friends and family again so I want photos to remember the day by, and it wouldn't hurt if I was looking decent in 'em!

So yeah, I gotta say, the vanity motivation is strong.

Insane Competitive Streak
I want to be at my goal by this time next year. The Five Year Plan, baby. I like things to be wrapped into neat little packages. So I will be going hell for leather in 2005 and tie a big red freaking ribbon around the whole project by 2006.

Next entry I'll write about my specific goals and methods for the fat busting. But for now, a BIG FAT LARDY thanks to the stacks of groovy groovers who commented or emailled about me and Bagpipes getting engaged. I had no idea there was so many people reading, and you were all so funny and genuinely happy for us, it really made my day. I have saved every single comment notification emails in a folder called ENGAGED! and printed out all the emails and put them in a file called WOOHOO. This is the sorta shit you look back on in fifty years and think, ahh, humanity rules.

18 thoughts on “The Awful Truth

  1. Ah, you precious darling dietgirl!! You are still an inspiration, because you are honest. I, too, swam about in chocolate and gease and booze… but like you, I’m back on the right track. God bless us, every one!

  2. In spite of it all…I still hold DG up as proof that good things happen to good people. As far as the junk-a-thon—F*ck it and drive on. That was then, this is now! Go DG, Go DG…

  3. I, too, have gained a ton-o-weight over the past 6 weeks or so but started 2005 off right. THIS is my year, too. I don’t have wedding parties and photos as an incentive, but the thought of having the confidence to actually meet the co-star of my future wedding photos could be one! I look forward to reading about your progress, laughing at your wit and continuing to be inspired by you!!

  4. Hey Diet Girl-

    It is so good to have you back. While you have been gone, I have completely perused the archive. You are a real hero of mine. I noticed that while you were scarfing, you were not writing. We need you as much as you need us! Come back everyday so we can do success and failure together. I am just starting my road, but I would love to be on it with you. You RAWK!

  5. I buy all the excuses you counted
    I totally understand you *S*
    I gained 6 kg over the holidays too
    well there is always a new day tomorrow or?

    you have come such a long way dont give up and dont punish yourself for this. it is just to start again

  6. good to see you back diet girl. missed reading your entries. Good luck with your quest. As someone who is getting married July 2 2005 I am with you on the challenge. great post and very motivating

  7. Awww look it’s so hard to focus on eating right and exercise when you are under stress and the weather is shitty, and you did a fabulous job up until the silly season, which is really a licence to scoff (I know I did) – and which for you was much sillier than for the rest of us what with your sister and your spunky man and etc…so I am sure you’ll slide back into your good habits very easily, and be even foxier very soon. We’ll have to set up a welcome at the airport when you come home, with placards and stuff!!!!!
    thanks for a great blog

  8. It’s enough to make a person go off the whole idea of Christmas (bah, humbug). I too was doing pretty well, until December 17, when I headed off to my boyfriend’s and the healthy eating plan went out the window. There is, however, no excuse for me now – I really should be back on track and I’m not. I’m well aware that while consumption of (for example) cheesecake and biscuits was a rare treat pre-Christmas, I’m not resisting them at the moment.

    I am so glad, D-girl, that you are being motivated by Wedding Vanity, because it’s a huge relief. So am I. If you are, then I’m in good company. I still feel in my heart that it’s deeply shallow and antifeminist of me to be more motivated by wanting to look good on one day of my life, than by the desire to be healthy and fit in my everyday life. But you’re obviously not shallow, so maybe I’m not either.

    Then again, you have already been really successful, without the Vanity Motive. Honestly, you ARE “some kind of weight-loss success”. And an inspiration and all that. Take it from me – I’ve been following this blog for two years and you’ve come so far in many ways, many not at all connected with the numbers on the scale.

    So yeah, go D-Girl. And I will too. Tomorrow.

  9. I really should get my own blog, shouldn’t I, and not post comments that long on other people’s poor innocent sites?

  10. I am so excited about you and Bagpipe’s engagement. That sounds so wierd, actually calling someone “bagpipes” in a “congratulations on your engagement” sentence. You will be a stunnng bride.

  11. heya chickie! You know what? Welcome back! You do the weight loss thing so bloody well! Seriously. You have lost fricken 64 kilos and kept them off. I am struggling to keep 15 off! You are an inspiration and those excuses are all ones that I haev used too! I also have the “If I eat everything bad in the cupboards now then tomorrow I can start again with no temptation here”. I am hoping that we get a wee invite to come and check you out in October! I want to see “Vanity Fair – Bride of the Year” for myself!

  12. You know why I look up to you as a weight loss success? Not just because you’ve lost so much bloody weight, kept the majority of it off, and made so many positive changes to your lifestyle – but even more because you are so bloody honest, open and aware. And, because you stick at it and don’t give up.

    Life happens, not-so-good eating happens, and weight goes up and down, not just for you but for about 99% of the population! So please don’t ever be ashamed of yourself or call yourself a disgrace. I will always think that you RAWK 🙂

  13. Additonally – since I agree with each and every word written by the rawkin’ ladies above – you are the living proof of “I can do it!” that has inspired me to pieces! And what best such inspiration could I ask for but the one who occasionally falls and yet resumes and goes forward again! Any superbly perfect dieter with no human weaknesses – especially for chocolate and port! – would have been too much for poor ole weak me to look up to!

    Running the risk of making yer bagpipes jealous ;), I am openly declaring that I am totally in love with you for being you and doing things your way!

  14. I’m with the divine Kimba on this one. It’s entries like these that I really admire because you’re open, honest and human.

    Actually, you and I are living the same life at the moment, one bite of cheap choc and suddenly my mouth is a gaping black hole that sucks in anything that doesn’t get out of the way fast enough.

    You have your wedding and your family to motivate you, I’ll use you to motivate me! Yep, we will hit goal and the world will not be able to stop us! (Or cheap chocolate, for that matter.)

  15. Ah the dreaded Christmas kilos. I have put on 4 as well and I have nothing to blame except having lots of fun.
    Back on board now as well.

    Congrats again and can’t wait to see you when you come home for the wedding- we should have a great big diet girl get-together!

  16. Ah, get over it. Stop beating yourself about it. I swore I’d only eat freely Xmas and boxing day, but then continued to eat badly up until I got back from Xmas hols in Tassie on 12 Jan. I’d gained 2 kgs. Like you, am back on track now and that is what matters.

    So, more importantly – what ideas do you have re wedding dress?

  17. As usual… ditto to all said above. This is a life journey – we never arrive at the destination with weight loss – it is a continuing theme. I’m so happy for you and would love to see you look hot for the Australian “wedding”. Go for it!

  18. First off, Cadbury is *never* rubbish chocolate. Rubbish chocolate is when you live in the US and are forced to eat a Hershey bar.

    Second of all, don’t be so hard on yourself. I started losing weight *because of your journal*. I mean, I had wanted to for a long time, but something about the “How I Got Heavy” entry resonated and I ended up losing 50 pounds (and kind of getting all eating disordered, but it happens…). So, you have been and you are an inspiration, whether you like it or not. And, also, you make me laugh.

    I want to hear about the wedding and how beautiful you’ll look. Get talking. 🙂

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