Letting The Lard Go

A measly loss of 100 grams this week. It’s too tiny to bother with the statistics! I had a great week, exercise wise. But the eating came undone on Saturday (lunch AND dinner out on the town) and then I made Anzac biscuits on Sunday. I looove baking so bloody much and it felt so nice to be melting and stirring and dropping blobs of dough onto a tray, but unless I can give away ALL of the goods I am bound to end up eating a lot of it. Sigh.

Still, onward and downward. I will focus on the positives. Some of my clothes are swimming on me! My H&M pants that were so tight at Xmas you could see the outlines of the front pockets now require constant hitching up. And a size 16 cord jacket I bought before the wedding now actually fits properly. Huzzah!

As I mentioned before the Scottish Companion now knows about this site. But he has vowed not to read it. I didn’t ask him to stay away; he just said that it’s my private space and he’s not going to intrude.

If the situation was reversed I’m not sure I would have been so polite and respectful. If he’d told me he used to be really fat and depressed and it was all online to read about, I’d HAVE to snoop around. I mean, to see photos of your spouse 70 kilos heavier? I would be consumed with morbid curiosity! Does that make me evil? I’ve checked the SC’s browser history to see if he’s wandered by, but he still hasn’t. Bloody hell.

There’s part of me that desperately wanted him visit and slog his way through the archives. I wanted him to see the hard evidence of how different I used to be. Not because I’m so proud and tra la la la happy about it and want to share the success, but so he had proper context. I’ve only made vague references to my lardy past, so if he visited here he would see how HARD it was, the dramatic changes that I had to make, to get the backstory about the Food Issues I still grapple with today.

A few weeks ago we were out running. Or more like he was running, and I was gasping for air and turning redder than my hair. I had that blind, white hot irration pre-menstrual RAGE coursing through my veins, sulking with every step. It was just so freaking hard, and we still had another 25 minutes to go (I need to write a whole other entry about how this running is really screwing with my mind, but I will just stick to this particular day for now). I was so cranky that we had to keep going for so freaking long; I was cranky that he was barely breaking a sweat while my own heart clobbered against my ribs. Cranky cranky cranky.

You know how twisted up a PMS-y mind can be. SC was jogging along sweet and supportive as ever, yet I was simmering. How rude to "make me" run AGAIN when we’d only run two days earlier! Didn’t he realise how hard this was for me? Did he realise how much of a beginner I really was? Did he realise how hard it is to build up fitness when you started out so unfit you may as well have been comatose?

Suddenly I spluttered out of nowhere, "Did you know, I used to weigh twice as much as you do now. Puff puff puff. TWICE as much! I couldn’t walk around the block! Puff puff puff. Just try and imagine that, two of YOU stapled together! Puff puff puff. That was me! So that’s why this is really hard! And making me cranky!"

Well, I thought, That’s him told!

I thought he would be stunned by the long-awaited revelation of Before statistic (and even then I undertold it by about 10 kilos – he weighs 75 kg; my highest weight was just shy of 160 kg). But he just said, "It doesn’t matter what you used to weigh. The important thing is that you worked hard to change things and now you’re just taking that to the next level!"

Bah! He was supposed to say, "Well that’s huge! Good for you! So it must be a big deal for you to have even run this far today. So why don’t we quit right now and go home and I’ll make you a cup of tea and toast!"

Menstrual psychosis aside, can you see the underlying problem here? My perception of my body and physical abilities has still not caught up with the reality. I still see myself as this enormous chick who should be applauded for making the effort to waddle to work or stand up the back at a gym class.

But the reality is that I am no longer a Special Case. My husband sees me exactly as I am right now – just a chick who’s taken up a new fitness challenge. But sometimes I am denial of this new reality. I know I am capable of pushing my body much further, exercise-wise – but part of me resents that I can/should/need to work so much harder now.

I can’t keep clinging to this fat chick persona. I know deep down that my body has changed and it is capable of so much more these days. But even as I push myself hard with this 5k training, I still have these days where I feel like I am still The Fat Chick. The other day I was having coffee with the girlfriends of two of SC’s friends, who are now becoming my friends. We’re all madly into health and whole foods etc etc so we got together to drink herbal teas talked about quinoa and yoga and brazil nuts. Every time I’d pipe up with some healthy tip or idea I had this dark thought lurking that they were thinking, "Who is this big lump, thinking she knows all about health and fitness?".

I have this strange insecurity about my new friends. It’s been so long since I’ve (non-online) female friends, aside from my sister; I’ve not really made any new female friends since I started losing weight. So when we’re sitting around talking I feel shy and awkward and worry whether or not they like me. Which is ridiculous, since they are warm, intelligent women who would never be judgemental, and must think I am alright since they want to meet up every week. But sometimes I feel so strange, talking to women about women’s things. I feel like I’m gatecrashing a slumer party. I’ve always been so private and closed up about this stuff, because it was all tied up with my weight. In the Fat Days I would sit there silent and smiling as my friends talked about boys and cute clothes, coz I felt like I didn’t belong. But now I am fit and happy and I actually have a boy, yet I still feel like the fraudulent Fat Chick.

Eventually curiosity got better of SC and he asked me about the Before Statistic as we snuggled up that PMSy evening. "Did you really used to weigh 150 kilos?" he said, incredulous. He asked what life was like for me back then. He was really nice about things, his usual calm and sweet self, saying how proud he was of me. But I found myself feeling defensive and not wanting to talk about it at all. I just started crying there in the dark. I suddenly felt ashamed, like every one of those 70 kilos has reattached to my body. I imagined I was looking down at us the bed and there was this huge blubbery pile of me and a ridiculously tiny SC curled up behind.

Please don’t write to say I should stop whining and appreciate what a gem of a man I have. I do realise this, and I let him know it. I love him so ferociously I can’t even express it. Please remember this entry is about what was going through my PMSy head that day and how losing a stack of weight really mucks with your head sometimes. Crazy days.

38 thoughts on “Letting The Lard Go

  1. Argh I’m so with you on the baking thing. So unfair that something I love to do for fun has the potential to make me gain weight! I spend a fair bit of time transporting the goodies in Tupperware to my Mum and sister to save my eating them πŸ™‚

  2. ok DG! i relate… to the psychosis for sure, and to the very wierd feelings about being a former fatty. i used to think if i can’t win, i won’t play (at lots of things… looks, sports, fitness, etc.)… now i am playing, but i sometimes still feel like explaining to people why i’m not necessarily “winning”… yannow, still have a bulgy tummy, still can’t run that fast, etc…. i want to have a leaflet or something with my before photo, the whole “special case” thing… ya, i may not quite measure up, but look how far i’ve come. and then i have days when i feel like a million bucks, look out. i am trying to look around me, like at spinning class, and *see* that almost all the women have some extra fat on their legs, but still are fit and look fab, so i could too. this body image stuff is *so* wierd! also wierd is people who haven’t seen me in 2 years and literally have not recognized me, and then freaked out… be prepared for this when you go home in the fall. anyhoo, blathering on here. ps would you share your anzac biscuit recipe pls?

  3. *soft smile*

    Reality = you are not a fat chick any more

    Reality = you HAVE to deal with the ‘fat chick feelings’.

    I have heard women say “I will never get over feeling like a fat woman” I say, bullshit. You have ~physically~lost weight, then you can ~mentally~ lose the feeling associated with your old life.

    The proof is in the pudding. The rest of the world does not see you in the way you see yourself. SC certainly doesn’t. You new friends don’t either.

    Do i like it to being a victim? Yep. If you have a ‘victim’ mentality you can choose to continue being a victim or choose to move on.

    We can not make the excuse anymore “Oh, you will never lose the fat girl mentality.” I have been guilty of saying it. I refuse to say it anymore though. I have removed it from my thought process and vocabulary.

    We can remember how being fat shaped our old life. We can remember to hate the people who taunted us, but we can accept that we have a new body and need to shape our new brain to match it.

    It’s time to move on doll.

    70 kilos. You are gorgeous. Classy and devine. and god dammit, you are RUNNING!

  4. Hi, found your link via Silverella’s site and stopped in for a read. Have to admit I was wiping away a few built up tears by the end. You sum up so well how the inside of a person sometimes takes years to catch up to the changes made on the outside. And that battle will probably go on for a while. I think you are a very brave person to open up to real people as you have on-line as the reality can sometimes be tough for (non-large) people to deal with. So thanks for sharing your feelings. And hurrah for fitting into the size 16. This is my next size goal.. Cheers Margaret

  5. Yeah, “Imposter Syndrome” is a bitch; that whole ‘if people knew who I *really* was they’d run screaming from the room’ thing. It’s frustrating as hell to have done all the work, and yet feel like you still can’t quite own the success. When you catch that Imposter voice whining in your head, don’t beat yourself up ‘cuz it runs deep and it’s going to stick around for a while. Look it in the eye and tell it to “shut the hell up” because this is the real you now. You have lost 70 kilos. You have achieved the kind of mental toughness that most of us aspire to. You can *totally* kick the Imposter voice’s ass. You are Shauny: Thin Running Chick!

  6. Good god, I have so many parallel thoughts, it’s impossible to wade through them all. But let me just say this: I had a very similar issue with my husband just this weekend. He knows about my journal and always has. I was logged on to his computer, and saw that I didn’t make it into his “daily read” folder! I was in his “weekly read” folder. The hell…? I was so hurt! And here’s why: If I knew I had a little window into *his* soul, a way of knowing his inner thoughts and his whys and his deepest fears, well then you could not tear me away from that journal.

    I don’t know. Maybe men are just different.

    Oh, and great job on the running! It gets easier. I swear!
    – Mia

  7. Oh lord, I know the feeling. I never put it on those words, though… huh. I’m going to have to ponder now. Hrm.

    Is it just me, or does PMS suck more the less you weigh? I don’t remember having PMS this bad when I was fat, but then again I was constantly self-medicating with Kitchen Prozac so it’s entirely possible I missed it. These days, though, I blow my cool completely. Ah, the joys of experiencing actual emotions again.

    I love baking, too, but these days I’m restricting it to stuff out of Small Batch Baking, so we only end up with a few portions of naughty sweetness instead of sixteen to twenty portions. If you want, I could try converting some of the recipes to metric measurements instead of our silly cups & tablespoons…?

    And what everyone else said? Yeah. You are SO That Girl Now. I guess I never considered before just how much comfort factor there is in the Former Fat Chick persona– because yeah, just as it’s hard to let go of identifying yourself as fat, it’s just as hard to let go of the expectation of lauds and honor and special treatment in recognition of our great achievement and vulnerable circumstances. Not having people know, and having them treat you just the way they treat everyone else– holy cow, that’s a wiggy concept.

    I gotta think more about this. Wow.

  8. Meg! That is really interesting now that I think about it. My PMS really HAS been more loony the more lard I lose. It never used to bother me at all, but I used to be doped up on Zoloft and/or family size blocks of chocolate. And ice cream. So definitely feeling things with more feeling these days. Very interesting point you raised.

  9. Hello
    Glad to hear the size 16 jacket is now fitting fine -well done.

    I’ve had a problem with icecream this week, rather than Anzac bicuits, but that’s PMS for you. Ruins your self respect for 2 days and then leaves you alone for another month.

    I’m sorry you cried in the dark, I do that sometimes, especially when *my new husband* is supportive about this weight loss journey. Odd isn’t it. I think of it as crying for all the time I wasted avioding being me, and all the effort it has taken to get to here from there, oh, and all the effort I know is still to come.
    Thanks for sharing, you have a great writing talent!
    83.2 kilos BMI 29.7

  10. I think one of the problems is that most of us became fat because of deep-seated insecurities about ourselves and we ate to cover those feelings. Its like the what came first – the chicken or the egg – argument.
    At least that’s the way I feel. I read a book by Geneen Roth called ‘When Food is Love’ which goes into her experiences. She wrote a book about overcoming overeating but, like you, even though her body had changed, the feelings hadn’t. It was a powerful book and made me bawl my eyes out when I first read it because I recognised myself in the story despite no having lost the weight – yet!
    You seem like a fabulously confident woman but you do speak honestly about your insecurities on the site. I just wonder if the insecurities aren’t really about the food/weight at all but were there before?

    Whatever the answer is – best of luck with dealing with these issues.

    Re: running. I think some exercise is just easier than others or your body gets used to it or something. This morning I did a circuit class and it was hard. Considering I am now used to doing a full-on RPM class or Body Combat, it’s not that I can’t cope with exercise. But clearly it was drawing on different reserves than the ones I usually use.
    I am impressed with your training efforts. I am doing Race for Life as well – on 19 June in Enfield, London. But I haven’t started any running training as yet – just focusing onmy general fitness.

  11. Me too! (which is often my response to your posts DG) I’m still trying to figure out it if’s actually healthy to still think of myself as someone with anxiety/depression issues, or if I’m making excuses for myself because it’s easier to be a “special case”.

    A couple of months ago I managed to get myself fairly drunk, and ended up bawling and wailing at my fiance when he suggested we go for a long hike the next day. Didn’t he realise that I was the FAT UNFIT child? That my father and sister tormented me with their long thin legs and lack of patience when I couldn’t keep up? That long hikes were still a BIG DEAL to me: The Fat Girl With Bad Knees. Thing is, all that “trauma” was when I was about 10 years old, and we do go hiking now, and I keep up with him (except on hills, I hate hills). But when I was liquored up and moody all that fear of failure came pouring out.

    DG, do you think it’s harder to adjust to normality than it was to take the journey to get there? That somehow it’s easier to take on a fitness/health/sorting-out-your-head challenge when it’s a special case kind of thing? When it’s a special case it can be your whole life for a while, but then you get closer to normal and have to start taking on normal roles in life, like working and looking after yourself and having a partner, then suddenly the big special project of fixing yourself has to keep simmering on a back burner while life starts happening…it feels like you should be over the mental thing, because now it’s just the same problems everyone deals with, not a special case any more.

    Perhaps everyone has some of this insecurity going on, even the “normal” or “perfect” people, it’s just that we’re not there to see it when they’re PMSing and weeping at their boyfriend. Or we don’t read about it on their blogs.

    Apologies for the rambly soul-searching hijack of the comments.

  12. DG, you have no idea what a relief it is to hear that someone else has had that happen. I used to assume I had no PMS at all, and then this past year it’s just been WHAMMO.

    What sort of training are you doing for the 5K? I’m terribly curious to see how other people handle these things, since my Hub keeps pondering the idea of doing a 5K with me but he will. not. consider. training. (ARRRRRGH.) He has this idea that he’ll just do it to prove that he can do it, grit it out until the end and then be comatose for a week. I can’t even fathom why he would want to do that, and I keep thinking that he’d give himself a heart attack that way. I’m terribly jealous that you and SC run together!

  13. I love you for writing about this stuff. Thank god we all have someone who is brave enough to admit this stuff to the world and make it that much easier for the rest of us.

  14. there are many of us going through the same thing. It is not easy to start to know another self. It is just natural. That is why Im so sceptical about those extream makeover programs. It cant be good for the soul to look in hte mirror and see a new you and it hasnt even been a transformation time.

  15. im just tripping over words trying to find something to say but theres really not much to say is there? you will have these feelings then they will go away and in your own time, maybe one day, you will get to a place that you can be free from them forever πŸ™‚ take care you, its great that you have a guy so willing to run with you, id have to promise to go naked before M. would even consider coming along lol

  16. It’s official, you are my clone. And Rosemary Grace should be immediately forgiven for hijacking your comments, because you’re both right.

    It’s exactly what I’m struggling with right now. I’m not ‘special’ because of my weight anymore (not that ‘special’ was good), I’m just an ordinary person now. And that’s really hard to wrap my head around.

    I’m just doing normal things now, things that normal, healthy people do. I have to stop thinking about it in terms of, “Hey, look at that fat chick go! She deserves extra praise for this extra effort!” and start thinking about it in terms of just being another day in my life.

    It’s bizarre and I really hope my head catches up with the rest of me soon, because I don’t need this wigginess in my head anymore!

    Great, great, GREAT post.

  17. well, I have to talk about the reverse.

    From 10 to 25 years I had been a very slim person. Then, all of a sudden I put on the 25 kilos. So my problem is that I still think that I am thin. My mind has not caught up with my fat body. I mean, I know I have put on the weight, the clothes and the scales speak for themselves…but a part of me forgets. In a way it is good, because I am sure that I would be a lot less confident if I was thinking all the time of how fat I have become. But then again, maybe it would speed me on my way on my diet if I really became aware of how fat I am.


  18. Wow, great post. I was just contemplating how it would feel to no longer be the “fat chick”. You’ve given me some food for thought!

  19. ‘cellent post – and very brave too.

    Not that it will help you enjoy the running more but I wanted you to know that you’ve inspired me to take the Couch to 5K challenge with my equally sedentary love.

    Thanks for helping us get off the couch!

  20. I love the way you expressed this, this feeling. I call it being fat in my head. I still think I am the fat girl because I spent a long time in her skin. This new thinner me, well I haven’t had enough time to adjust yet. I was lucky enough to meet my partner while I was still very heavy and he loved me then. But I think your SC sounds like an amazing man, just like mine! At the end of your entry I just wanted to reach out and hug you. I heart you DG!

  21. Hey DG,

    Fab entry. I think that an awful lot of people have that ‘But they don’t know what I’m really like!’ feeling – whether it’s to do with weight or looks or personality or whatever. In my case, it’s to do with being shy. I sometimes catch myself wondering why people like me because I never say anything – but I do say things! A lot! All the time! It’s just that I used to find it hard in social situations when I was younger and I still lug that rubbish around with me. I guess you can spin it on its head and say it’s a way of seeing How Far You’ve Come.
    Good luck with the running. I hate running. It is the devil, as far as I’m concerned, so I’m very impressed by your efforts!

  22. hey lady, we all need to whine sometimes. (maybe even wine… sorry speaking for myself) sometimes it needs to come out. so let it out girl! (i’ve been meaning to add you to my blogroll, don’t know why my silly behind forgot)

  23. Its funny about the feeling fat thing, even when i was quite slim i often felt fat and big. I am about your height, and i can remember feeling very big at school, even though i was not overweight. In some ways having all the models in magazines adn ads etc being extremely skinny does mean that its hard for any women to feel slim. even an anorexic supermodel has their fat days or feels they look fat in some outfits. Over the years there is something that helps me overcome these feelings. And that is to focus on how wonderful my body is when it feels strong and capable. After being fat for a a few years i find that now i am slimmer i can just so enjoy a lot of great healthy feelings and i concentrate on really appreciating this great feeling of being able to sleep deeper and breathe easier and walk or jog a bit and feel strong. Lately i am forming a new image of myself while i go on my walks, i start to see myself wearing a wonderful powersuit of skirt and jacket and achieving at work, of being the confident and self assured feminine woman i want to be. I also start to see this image when i go to sleep and when i wake up. I also have some gorgeous pvc trousers and a sexy top that i see myself wearing with boots, and i see a woman who can be tall and strong built but who looks so sexy and confident and who believes in herself. Soon my physical and emotional body will match the dream, but in the meantime sometimes i look down and think what is that gut still doing on my body! Then i feel a bit fat, but thats ok, cos it is just that my body is still a bit fat compared to the inner vision. When i used to date i always wanted the guy to appreciate me for what i had struggled on. Like i’d want him to know how hard i had worked to afford my car, or how i had spent hours sewing a second hand outfit to make it look nice and weeks painting my room etc, but the guys seemed to know that one way or another it takes a huge effort to look nice and to get it together and they seemed to think no need for words on this. Even when they spent 2 years rebuilding a car, they tended just to show the car off and not dwell on all the work it took them. Why is this? I think it might be that they believed in themselves enough not to need that support quite as much. Boys in our society are maybe taught to be more selfsufficient and not to be wanting this support. Of course it can mean they are scared to ask for it when needed, and of course at times they do very much need it. Guys can always tell that a woman has put the effort in, and does put the effort in and they do not need the journal to realize you have put that effort in. Boyfriends also love a bit of mystery. At one stage i knew some muscicians and i used to help them get to rehearsal, and to set up the stage and to hear allthe news about the money side of getting gigs etc, all very interesting. However then i found i did not enjoy the music quite as much! so sometimes i’d skip the set up etc, and not want to hear the details of what they planned to play and who they were getting for doing the mix or lights etc etc. Then i’d go hear them play and lose myself in the beauty of the music. Maybe your boyfriend loses himself in the enigmatic beauty of you, and just how you worked so hard to be so beautiful does not matter to him, but the fact that you look after your health, and work hard to be fit and healthy would shine from you without any words needed.

  24. Quote Rosemary Grace: “Perhaps everyone has some of this insecurity going on, even the “normal” or “perfect” people, it’s just that we’re not there to see it when they’re PMSing and weeping at their boyfriend. Or we don’t read about it on their blogs.”

    What Rosemary says is so true. I am considered “normal” looking by everyone that I meet, yet I had it rammed into me everyday by my ex husband that I was fat and ugly. Now this was over 20 years ago yet I still have these negative feelings about my weight and looks, and no matter how many times my now loving husband tells me that I’m beautiful and look great, it still doesn’t sink in. All I hear is fat and ugly.

    I love how honest you are DG, and I can’t wait to read about everyone’s reactions when you come back to Oz.

    Running does get easier, trust me. You just need to keep at it. Even I have off days when I can hardly put one foot in front of the other.

    Keep up the great work, you really are inspirational.

  25. thank you everyone for these most wonderful comments, they have all made my day. i will be away for the weekend but will write more in response next week πŸ™‚

  26. Wow, this is really getting under everyone’s skin!

    I’ve been having a couple more thoughts while reading everyone’s responses: largely that a lot of the insecurity is either stemming from having been told you’re fat by others at some point, or from a need to feel appreciated for your efforts. Barbara’s post really hit home with me, when I’m feeling blobby and crap and PMSy I dwell on things like wondering if my fiance appreciates that I do most of the grocery shopping, and that I’m the one that does the laundry and unloads the dishwasher, does he SEE how HARD I WORK??? Etc etc.

    What it comes down to is a deep need to feel acknowledged and admired/appreciated. Girls are taught to be polite people-pleasers, at least they usually are in our culture, maybe we’re trained to look for that acknowledgment more than boys are.

    A perfect example is me last night, I just picked up my wedding dress from the seamstress who took it down about 3 sizes from satin potato-sack to nice fitted gown. But I didn’t feel really right about it until I tried it on to show my fiance, to make sure I looked ok. I bought it waaaaaaay to big out of a horror of it arriving too small, then I’m terrified I’ll look wierd and lumpy in it once it’s tailored to fit. I’m a smart girl, really I am, but sometimes I don’t really act like it.

    Another thing, how many of us girls are a bit taller than average? A but more “sturdy” in the sense of frame, not just chubbiness? Are there a lot of women of 5’8″ and up who were “big girls” that got told they were “fat girls” and grew up to have worse self image than the petite kids? How about women with naturally round faces? Are they more prone to being CALLED fat, and then fulfilling the image thrust upon them?

  27. Just stumbled upon your site, DG. Thanks for this post (and all the ensuing comments). It has given a voice to some thoughts that I had begun to explore myself and hadn’t fully put a framework around. Now I’m going to do that and post my own entry on the topic. Oh, and the PMS thing: Wow – the same for me! I never had PMS before I lost about 50 pounds. I’m glad to hear that others have experienced the same thing.

  28. DG, I’m with all the other girls here. I’ll drop you an e-mail. Have a great weekend.

  29. Just keep going DG – every day a little more. The really, really, really unpleasant thing about running is you’ll get to like it and every minute, every second over a half an hour is just ripping the fact from your body.
    I’ve never been PMS’y but I garauntee you everyone worth their salt is wracked with self doubt.
    Be strong, its a long race, you have to compete every day and the only option is winning.

  30. That is the best description of the PMS psycho-bitch I have ever read (have you been hanging around my house?) – and here I was blaming my age and my dear daughter (since everything has gone mad TTOM-wise since she was born 18m ago) – but maybe it’s the weight loss? Anyway I have been trying some herbal stuff for ‘hormonal balance’ and it seems to be working. Worth a shot – my husband is happy not to have to deal with my eveil twin and so am I!!
    Good luck with the running, it does get easier. And your first event is such a buzz! You’ll love it. Maybe you could have the day off at PMS time? I literally cannot run then, I feel ill and trip over a lot so I walk or exercise bike instead.

  31. DG, you are truly an inspiration. I don’t have any weight problems myself, but I’m nonetheless addicted to your blog because I adore your sense of humor about yourself and life in general. The other day, I was leaving my house at the crack of dawn to go running and, as I often do, I thought to myself, somewhat angrily, “Why the hell do I put myself through this?!” Suddenly I thought of you and burst out laughing. We human beings are bizarre and hilarious creatures, and it just takes a small shift of perspective to realize it and to have a good laugh about oneself. Thanks, DG, for helping me not take myself so seriously…

    I also want to encourage you to keep up with the running. Besides the obvious fitness benefits, running (outside) is also an activity that helps one feel grounded (all that pounding on Mother Earth). And that feeling of groundedness is often what people who change homes alot lack. I speak from experience…

  32. The amount of feelings that are being brought to the surface right now reading this entry are quite amazing. That is why I love your journal so much, you voice in such a real manner the same things I feel, have felt or are going to feel. Crying in the dark is something I have done often. Often I am crying because I have all these feelings of self loathing and feel so damn alone in it all. Then I find a gem like you who bares her soul and lets us all know that we are not alone. I thank you for that.

    My other half is a darling and very supportive but he doesn’t get it. He just doesn’t understand why it is a struggle and he never will. He doesn’t have the weight issue therefore he will never walk a mile in my shoes. He will never have the tiring task of carrying the equivalent of another person around every day and trying every minute of every day to have the willpower to dispose of that extra person bone by bone.

  33. Have just stumbled across your site DG… and I love it! You are so inspiring… you write so brilliantly, so intelligently! You have a wonderful way with words!
    This was an amazing post! Thanks for sharing.
    Nat πŸ™‚

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