So it's the last day of 2006 and we feel obliged to look back before trudging forth into the new year!
I have such conflicting feelings about this lard-busting palaver; and this year was particularly messy. Sometimes lard-busting dominated my thoughts; other times it wassn't a priority at all. Sometimes I felt frustrated and frumpy, but most days I felt happy and healthy and a few extra kilos didn't cramp my style at all.
So I will just be honest with you and explain both sides of the coin, even though my thoughts may sound irrational or trivial.
Disclaimer: Please remember that this is a health/lard-busting blog and therefore the topic is health/lard-busting and navel gazing is all part of the pudding. So please trolls, hold your fire.
There is part of me, let's call her Grumpy Dietgirl, that feels like a big fat stinking failure. At my first weigh-in of 2006 I was 86.7 kilos. This morning I was only three kilos less than that.
In 2006 I reached my all-time low of 79.6 kilos. Three bloody times. First in August, then October, then again in early December. I remember thinking at that first January WI, Woohoo, only 11.7 to go! I'll definitely get that off before the Dietgirl 6th Anniversary, no worries. I so badly wanted to post on 15th January 2007 a picture of my honking huge feet standing triumphantly on the scales at 75kg, just so I could finally say I got there. I was even going to paint my toenails.
But instead I spent the year pinging all over the shop, weight-wise; and nothing seems to have been motivation enough for me to find long-term consistency and momentum – not anniversary, magazine appearance, blog challenge nor smaller jeans. Meanwhile, there are people out there in Fatblogland who have been at this less time than me, and lost more and/or lost more consistently. Yet here I am after six years still putzing around, and sometimes I feel extremely disappointed and despondent about that.
There's also moments when I feel like a big fat fraud. I look back at the friendly emails and crazy newspaper stories and the Dietblog Queen jokes and feel bloody embarrassed. Like they're talking about someone who doesn't exist. Nobody this incompetent and inconsistent should get emails that call them an inspiration.
The above are the sort thoughts that come late at night when the wind is howling outside and I am sitting on the couch poking my blubbery belly, feeling sorry for myself. Spare a thought for poor Gareth who had to put up with my whinging for a solid hour last night!
But when the morning comes we usually have Cheery Dietgirl, skipping through a meadow regardless of the way skipping makes her belly jiggle. And this morning I felt rational, able to see the positives and how I can move forward this year. Which is exactly what Gareth suggested I do last night, but I didn't want to listen then, I just wanted to whinge!
So I won't be reaching 75kg and tying up the plot in a Neat Six-Year Package on January 15th. I ate too much in December and set myself back quite substantially. But I have to let go and focus on the positives from this year. I may have lost and regained the same five kilos three times; but overall I'm a size smaller, I can do push-ups, I can ride a bike (albeit in a straight line only).
Overall it's been a great year. Of course, lard-busting is just one part of your life – it's easy to lose perspective and let a few spare kilos obscure all the positive things happened this year. I made new friends, saw new places and tried new things. I became such a hermit when I was obese that it's taking me a good few years to learn how to have fun and relax. To feel genuinely more social and friendly, as opposed to faking it when I have to. I think I made a lot of progress this year.
All I know is I am still trying to find balance. I still struggle to do what it takes to be healthy and to work hard and to be a social animal without abandoning one for the other. I am still fumbling around for the middle ground. It has been harder than I ever imagined, and has taken so, so, so much longer too. I never thought I'd still be here, crapping on and on to you after six years. But I'll keep bumbling along in 2007.
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Happy New Year to you all, comrades! Readers, writers, spammers alike; it's been a good year in Fatblogland. Thanks a bazillion for your wisdom, wit and support. All the best for 2007 to you all.