High Heels and Haggis Workout

Greetings from 2AM!

  • I#m going to use bullet points because it’s quite late!
  • Tonight I went to a Scottish wedding reception
  • I went by myself because Gareth is down at the Wickerman Festival
  • Which was very inconvenient when you’re trying to zip up an unforgiving fitted frock. I was seconds away from not going at all or asking the taxi drive for assistance. I blame my recent discovery of flapjacks.
  • The frock totally puffs out from the waist so my arse looked enormous, or like I was hiding a television under my skirt. At the time of purchase I’d told my sister I don’t want to look like a flower pot but she insisted it’s the style.
  • I saw a bloke with a bright red fluffy sporran. It looked like Elmo was curled up in his crotch.
  • You cannae get a better workout than a ceilidh. A ceilidh is a Scottish dance thingo – take yer partner by the hand, strip the willow and all that. This was the most hardcore ceilidh I’d ever encountered – the band were relentless, playing on and on until we were just about ready to vomit from exhaustion. If I’d been wearing my heart rate monitor it might just have exploded. Forget Spinning and Body Jam, they should have ceilidh classes at the gym! It’s exhilarating and fun and you don’t realise what a great workout it is until you notice your blistered feet and flaming calves. By the end of the night the crowd was soaked with sweat and shining like seals on a beach.
  • There was a very Scottish buffet at half time to boost our energy – haggis, neeps and tatties, bacon rolls and wee paper cones of fish and chips. There was cake too, but I had a second bacon roll. You gotta take the bacon when you can get it.
  • The bride and groom were gorgeous. It was such a down-to-earth affair but with classy personal touches, like a slideshow of photos from their actual wedding earlier this year set to poignant music, to watch while we ate our bacon. I squirmed thinking back to our shithouse Microsoft Word invitations that I spewed out on the photocopier at work and stuffed into shitty old brown envelopes. Why why why? DUDES, if I had my time again I’d make things classy. With lashings of bacon!
  • I’ve just spent half an hour trying to take a picture, re-lipsticking and running back and forth with the self timer.  Now I’m even more sweaty. Frocked Shiny calves ahoy!
  • This frock is a perfect metaphor for my state of mind lately. Everything looks alright if you stand very still, dodgy bits disguised, but as soon as you move things around it’s all a wobbly mess!

(I wrote this on Saturday morning but neglected to hit publish and then I went down to the Wickerman and forgot. I’ll never be one of them professional blogger types. Sniff.)

60 thoughts on “High Heels and Haggis Workout

  1. Haggis neeps and tatties Oh My! Also the comparison to seals on a beach is cracking me up – we live in very different worlds.

    You look fantastic in the frock! Your legs are gorgeous. And what a great deal, you COULD steal a television if you wanted to. THAT is what a perfect dress is all about.

    I must try this ceilidh thing.

  2. Is it possible for me to say you look hot without actually hitting on you? I don’t think so. Maybe I should say “fabulous” instead? Does that make me sound less like a 15 year old boy? Excellent!

  3. Totally unrelated to the above but in keeping with this blog: thelondonpaper has a weekly column called “heart surgery – your relationship clinic”, it poses a question from a reader and encourages readers to input their opinions of which they then print a few. Yesterday’s is as follows: “I’ve been seeing this girl who is sweet, funny and amazing in bed. But she’s fat. Very fat. It doesn’t bother me now, but how do I tell her I can’t have a serious relationship with an obese person? Brett” Email your advice to love@thelondonpaper.om by 5pm Wednesday. Would someone like to write a few choice words? I can think of a few, but they might be on the sweary side!

    Keep the good work up, Shauna!

  4. Beate – I’m not sure I could write a response that would be printable either! Brett sounds like a tool!

  5. You look gorgeous hun!!! And please forgive me for plugging your blog on minimins. X

  6. Shauna DAHLING, we discussed this remember? *raises eyebrow*

    That dress gives you a perfect, bootylicious, 50’s hourglass bombshell figure. Now quit yer whining!

    ps delighted to see the red lippie, va va voom you saucy wee thing

  7. Margaret DAHLING, yep I took your advice on the lipstick. I WAS listening to you at the time and not just stuffing my face with muffins πŸ™‚

    (only prob was that i forgot i was wearing it and smooched the bride and make a mess of her cheeks!)

  8. Flowerpot my bum, you look stunning! Your sis has good style, Is that a purchase from your shopping trip to London? If that’s after the ceileidh you must have been supermodel fab when you left home.

  9. I’m de-lurking to say you look fantastic! Love the dress, it’s gorgeous. I’ve been reading your blog since buying your book just after Christmas. I read it in two day, it’s fantastic. Now, I need to quit re-reading it and get my butt off the sofa and actually change my diet and do some exercise. I’m scared of the gym :o(

  10. COMRADES I just found a rear-view picture and you can see the embiggening effect in action (also me dancing like a loon) –

    Sarah – It was indeed from the London jaunt, it was reduced to Β£30! Hee hee!

    Alice – Hello there! πŸ™‚ Thank you very very very much for reading the book!

    If you’re scared of the gym there’s always non-gym options like walking or DVDs in the comfort of your own home – working out in your PJs is the way forward, i tells ya!

  11. It’s not often I would use JLo as my guru… but girl, you need to learn to embrace your bum (metaphorically of course)! And we should always remember the wise words of Sir Mixalot – “when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung”

    rrrowwwr, in other words

  12. Oh come on, Shauna, you look gorgeous and the dress is divine and I’m sure you were the most graceful dancer! Stop being so hard on yourself, really. What TV? Really!

  13. You crack me up!!! Love reading about your happenings and I agree, bacon makes everything better.

    Besides I thought all your wedding events sounded lovely and romantic…you did wonderfully and they were so filled with love…you can’t do any better than that.

  14. Your picture is darling. Truly wonderful.

    Your posts often make me think of Little House on The Prairie. Laura Ingalls Wilder’s great grandma (Martha Norse) was born in Scotland in 1782. I remember Laura being at a dance in the states in the 1800’s and saying many of the same things you did. Her Grandma Ingalls could out dance them all.

  15. I think I flapjack hit you upside the head: you look FANTASTIC! Tiny waist, tiny hips, toned bod, beautiful face!

  16. Pfft, silly cow, I was expecting a mess of a dietgirl, and instead you offer me this?

    You look fabulous, and I adore the harlot scarlet lips. Also, I have a skirt that does that from the waist too, it’s totally the fashion dahling.

  17. Bargearse my….uhmm.. arse

    Beakerella, that comment is infinite win.

    I second it, bargearse my arse, you look damn hot; phwoar!

  18. You’re hilarious… anyone can see it’s THE DRESS that’s pouffy in the rear-view photo.

    Anyways, I love it, makes you look even gorgeouser (that is SO a word!).

  19. Yes, it’s obvious that the dress is making the poof, no question! You still look fab in it.

    What I like in the second photos is that the stripes look like they are CLEAR, i.e., that it is your ARSE showing through, sans undergarments. THAT is what you should be worried about! πŸ˜‰

  20. RE: London Paper- My Choice Words- sent in the nick of time I hope.
    Dear Brett-

    We have had such fun together- but I’m afraid you are just not very good in bed. I’m sorry to say your penis is far too small and I simply cannot fake another orgasm for the sake of your feelings.


    Buxom Babe

  21. heeeeeeeeeeeeeeehehehhe nice one Vicky!

    Marla baby – I was waiting for someone to comment on that :Pi think it’s the camera flash makes the lining look like flesh.

  22. I thought you looked phenominal in that dress! There was nothing hiding with that dress, it made you look spectacular! Now you have me thinking I should move to Scotland, because I could never eat turnips & haggis, uggh!

  23. I wish I could have haggis at my wedding. I think my girl would sooner poke her eyes out, though. πŸ™

  24. Oh I just LOVE a Scottish wedding. It’s got all the essential ingredients, as you quite rightly say. The chance to eat your heart out and then work it all off with the dancing!

    You look GORGEOUS AND RADIANT in your photo. How did you dance in those shoes?!

    Fab, fab, fab!

    Big kiss.

    Mrs Lard xxxxxxx

  25. 1 – Vicky NEEDS to send her response to the paper post haste. It’s the only suitable response. In fact, perhaps several of us should send variation on the theme. Say, once Vicky’s letter is posted we can respond to it…

    Dear Buxom Babe:

    SO glad to hear I’m not the only one who had to fake it repeatedly with Brett. He was the very worst I’ve ever had, even by peanut standards.

    Nowhere to go but up baby!
    Bootylicious in Blankville

    PS: Did you meet his “roommate”? Allow me to confirm you suspicions — yep, it’s his Mum.

    2 – DG – You crazy fool! You look fab in the dress, bargarse my arse! LOVE the dancing photo! Add that to your “Fabulous Ever After” file. You’re a rockstar!

  26. Another who thinks you look just stunning!

    All I see when I look at the behind shot is lovely calves too! ;o)

  27. You look AMAZING! And there’s nothing sexier than a redhead in red lippie (oh, okay, I’m titian too).

    Seriously hope that Dr G is not burning to death virgin christians and innocent farm animals in a huge willow cage to help with the harvest. Please tell me it’s not that sort of Wickerman….

  28. Another great office lunchtime read Shauna, thanks as ever for your honesty and amazing sense of humour. Thanks everyone else for the hilarious comments too! Brett probably works in banking, I would think….

  29. “You gotta take the bacon when you can get it.”–CLASSIC!

    Darling girl, as everyone else has said, you look gorgeous in that dress. But I totally understand how you felt…sometimes you can look fab, but feel fat, and not even photographic proof to the contrary can assuage those defeating feelings. That said, you really truly do look amazing in that dress.

  30. You look so pretty! The couture is just the icing, anyway. It’s sweet icing, but it doesn’t eclipse the cake:-)

  31. Sounds like a blast!

    You look absolutely gorgeous, I see no hint of a tv.

    I think you should produce a ceilidh workout DVD and promote it on your book tour.

  32. no sorry, even the back view shot does not make it look as if you have a huge ass- it is obviously the dress sticking out! You remind me of friend who used to moan all the time that she had huge hips- when of course what she had was average size 12 hips and a tiny tiny waist- so yes there was noticeable flare below said waist. Glad to say that she still has the figure (complete with legs up to her armpits..) but has learnt to love it (or at least stop moaning!)

  33. You look brilliant in that dress. The neckline is lovely and the striping detail is just so right. You look fab!

  34. Oi, where the hell is the flower pot? You look stunning, DG. Exquisite! And with shiny calves, they’re a good thing. Women in WW2 used to rub (rationed) bacon on their legs for that very same shimmering effect.*

    *Not true. But I would’ve made a good wartime stylist in the silk stockings-effect department, evidently.

  35. Shauna you look so foxy!!
    And you really pull off that style of skirt. The whole look is so classy with the hairdo & the lipstick, you look like you’re out of a movie πŸ™‚
    (What lipstick is that btw? I’m looking for a bright red like that)

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