Telly Report

The night before I laid out my outfit three different ways. First in a long line across the hotel room, in correct order of putting-on-ness. Then in alphabetical order. Then finally draped over a chair in formation, like I'd been flattened by a truck – dress splayed, tights dangling beneath, boots waiting below, bra and knickers in the right spot; I even balanced the earrings on the top of the chair. Just in case I couldn't remember how to get dressed by the time morning rolled round.

Yes, yes, the nerves again. I know you long-time visitors are bloody sick of hearing about them, but I still get frazzled before Big Unknown Events. I learned from the kickboxing grading that being ultra-prepared helps, so I slept better knowing that the clothes were in position and there were two alarm clocks and a wake-up call keeping them company.

I woke up by myself at the crack of dawn. Got dressed and then it was 6.15. Two hours to kill before I was due at CBS. I perched on the edge of the bed and practiced not slouching. All the different advice I'd been given played on a loop. Be calm. Enjoy yourself. Don't say anything stuuuupid!

Finally it was time to go and I walked with Christine the Most Excellent Publicist to the CBS studios, past the snow and stinky horses at the bottom of Central Park. We were taken to the Green Room, which was actually blue. It was full of televisions and coffee and food but I decided it would be best to not touch anything, knowing my tendency to scatter breakfasts on my chest. 

Greenroom

We chatted with the charming Green Room man then the makeup wizards spruced me up in three minutes flat…. zing! Then I paced and wrung my hands and let the terror and excitement buzz through me. Then the lovely producer arrived to go through the segment and I asked many panicky questions. 

"I can do a mock interview right now if you like," she offered, perhaps smelling my amateurism. But I said we'd best not, because if I answered questions now I'd use up all my brain juice and have no words left for the real thing!

The rest of it is a blur. It's like your wedding day, without the booze. I remember feeling like a goose for wearing a dress. If you wear a top and a skirt or trousers you can discreetly pull the microphone up the front of your top then attach the big lumpy battery thingo at the back on your waistband. But with the frock I had to dive right under it to pull the wee mic through, then they pulled the cord behind me and hooked it onto the belt of my dress, which meant I had walk across the set with the dress all hitched up in back, like when you see some lady come out of the loo in a restaurant and she hasn't pulled her skirt down properly and everyone whispers, Dude, poor lady's got her skirt tucked in her knickers. Shame job, as we used to say at my high school. Shame job! This was American Telly and they no doubt saw dress-wearing ninnies all the time, but still, thank goodness for 60 denier tights.

I sat down on the hot seat and looked around. It was so unreal. I wanted to laugh but stuck with shaking like the proverbial shitting dog. There was a teleprompter and cameras and bigass microphones and people with headsets and now a dainty lady sitting across from me, smiling in a calm and reassuring manner. This was Maggie Rodriguez, the anchor. We chatted for a few seconds and then she cleared her throat. Holy crap this is happening what's her name again what's MY name? Concentrate, concentrate

She asked me a question and I said something and my heart went brrrrrrrrrrrrt and I tried to tune out everything but her voice. I was full of wit and juicy soundbites the night before, in the hotel bathroom talking to myself in the hotel mirror – interview style, not Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver style. The real effort felt fine, competent with no real clangers. I was just getting into it when Maggie reached out to shake my hand.

I untangled the mic and restored my dress to the correct position. Job done, baby! Time to breathe again!

My only regret is that aside from the Green Room pic, I forgot to get photographic proof of the occasion. I walked back up to the CBS building right before I left for the airport and took some pictures through the window while some dude rolled his eyes at me. It's mostly a reflection of the Crate & Barrel store across the street but you can sort of see the spot. Top class!

Chair

I've been a rubbish blogger this week as I attempt get back into the swing of things at work and training, but wanted to say thank you for your comments and emails! Also a huuuuge thank you again to Christine and Pam and Jeanette and all the HarperCollins vixens for everything you've done for the ol DG book. You rawk!

Hammered

Leksvik Things that do not mix: jetlag, a mild fever and assembling Ikea furniture. It took me three hours to make Leksvik, a simple beside table. I put the drawer together upside down, twice. And I missed the mark when banging in those stupid little nails into the backing board thingo, so the inside of the shelves have spikes poking through like a medieval torture chamber. It will be a triumph if it doesn't collapse after three days.

"I hope this is entertaining for you," I grumbled to Gareth, who was sitting on the couch.

"Oh yes," he said, "It's always inspiring to watch someone struggle against the odds."

It's Business As Usual Monday – porridge for breakfast and kickboxing tonight. I just found out the next grading day is less than three weeks away. Eek! I desperately want to earn my Green belt so I can progress with my buddies, but I've only made it to one class since Christmas. Then again, if I swotted madly and got an A- for the Orange belt, how chronic would I have to be to actually fail the Green? If I can be cool, suppress the inner high school nerd and accept that the world won't collapse if I don't ace the test, I reckon I could swing a pass. So… not panicking yet. Calm blue ocean calm blue ocean!

Early Show Update Update Update

Howdy comrades! Wild gooses* could not keep me away from American television this morning, but I did not realise that my segment was being taped. D'oh! So my apologies for misinforming you again. It will be aired next week. It will!

So I have a couple more hours in this lovely town before I fly out, arriving in Edinburgh at 7.30am then off to the office where I will attempt to be a productive worker! Hope you are all well, wherever you may be.

* I know the plural of goose is geese but gooses/horses, poetic licence and all**

** Gareth just said, "Why wild gooses?" and I had to explain about the plane in the Hudson, the goose that got me bumped last week, geddit now Doc? 😛
 
Early Show Update Update Update Update: It's going to be screened tomorrow, Monday 26th January.

Crumbs

Crumbs I can't wait to tell my sister Rhiannon that there's a chain of bakeries over here called Crumbs. Back when we were kids we used to play Barbies, as you do. The Barbies lived in a dinky dollhouse with doors that only came up to their waists.

But the fact that the Barbies had to crawl around their own house did not stop them pursuing their dreams. They didn't just lie in bed tangled up with Ken all day; these dames were entrepreneurs. They turned the kitchen into a restaurant and it was called Crumbs.

It was a fine establishment. It even had an elevator made out of string and an Avon perfume box. I lived vicariously through the whole operation – the Barbies could cook and eat whatever they wanted. If they whined about being hungry, nobody rolled their eyes and said, "Just have an apple!"

Rhi and I had big plans for Crumbs and the Barbies. They were going to expand overseas, Crumbs International. They would move from the tiny dollhouse to a swanky skyscraper. But that was 1985 and now some bastards have beat us to it!

I bought one of their red velvet cupcakes today. It wasn't a cup so much as a behemoth pint glass of a cake. I've gotta hand it to Crumbs – they may not have flowing blonde tresses and plastic legs up to their armpits, but they make a tasty cupcake!

Cupcake
It looked really pretty too, until I squashed it my bag.

Early Show Update Update

This is getting a wee bit silly now… I've been postponed again. Should be Thursday morning now! Fingers crossed.

At the very least I have had a grand old time in this city. Today I soaked up the inauguration atmosphere in Times Square then guzzled orange juice and cold tablets in the hope of downgrading my nose from Rudolph Red by Thursday.

Now I just have to grovel to my boss again then go out and buy some more knickers!

My New Guru

Forget your Doctor Phils and Paul McKennas, I've found a new guru for healthy living. Shaquille O'Neal started Twittering towards the end of last year (he's the Real Shaq), joining the growing ranks of celebrities sending out their thoughts in 140 characters or less.

Shaq has a great turn of phrase and is full of inspirational quotes. Most of all I love hearing about his yoga classes, getting a haircut and trying to resist the siren call of McDonalds. See, he's just like us… except really tall and wealthy!

Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

Early Show update!

Hellooooo! I hope that DVRs are easier to reprogram than VCRs used to be, as my Early Show thingo has been postponed until next Wednesday 21st January, due to the Plane in the River story. I'll let you know when I know if it is definitely going to happen. First I just have to wait til it's morning in the UK and ask my boss if I can get a few more days off. Oh man…

NB: My blog is set to UK time, so it would appear from this entry that I'm breaking my Internet Curfew big style! But it's only Thursday 9.27PM here in New York so I'm keeping the dream alive, baby!

News in Brief

Dietgirl Reader Gallery

I'm doing my best to carry on despite the heaviness in my heart following the untimely death of my beloved Basil the iPhone (some twerp put him in the washing machine). Sniff sniff 😛

So, apologies for the slackarse bullet points today!

Amazon.com is back in stock, woohoo!

– The Dietgirl Reader Gallery has two new masterpieces. Germany and Switzerland represent! Thank you Julia and Bianca.

– The Virtual Book Tour is rolling on through Week Two. You can check out all the stops here!

Capessa chats with Dietgirl (and I sound half asleep)

– I'm going to New York tomorrow (!!!) then will be on The Early Show on CBS this Friday 16th January (!!!2). I'll be yapping about blogging and how it helped me bust the lard. Hopefully I won't spew from nervousness!