Paranoia for Pudding

We'd just finished dessert (yogurt and fruit) but my stomach was still grumbling as I made us a cup of tea.

"Man… I could really go a teacake right now"

"What's a teacake?" asked Gareth.

"Kind of like a hot cross bun, but flatter and less spicy with lots of fruit."

"But you just had fruit."

I slowly set the teaspoon on the counter and turned to glare. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

"What do you mean, what's that supposed to mean?"

"I know that tone! It's the you've only just eaten and now you want MORE? tone!"

"There was no such tone!"

"You used the Mothership tone of implied gluttony!"

"I've only met your Mum three times, how could I know her tones?"

"Her tones are powerful and easily absorbed."

"You're so paranoid about food!"

"I thought you were having a go at me," I sniffed. "You weren't having a go at me?"

"Nooo!" he laughed.

"Oh." I resumed stirring the tea and pondered. "Hang on! Was your emphasis on the HAD? Like you were saying, but you only just HAD fruit; why would you want to consume even MORE fruit? Wouldn't you rather chocolate or sardines or something non-fruity?"


"Well. That's alright then!"

"Or biscuits. Have we got any biscuits?"

35 thoughts on “Paranoia for Pudding

  1. Shauna, I flat-out love you, lol. This was the perfect post to start my Monday with. Oh, and I bought and read your book last weekend (whilst eating a huge bowl of ice cream, natch). It was *awesome*. You are awesome. Thanks for making my day brighter!


  2. Oh the perils of man vs. various women inside our heads. “Which one will come out today?” he thinks to himself. “How shall I find a way to offend her without even trying?” Hilarious play-by-play, Shauna!

  3. Hee. I don’t think many men will ever understand the insane psychology of food! They mostly just eat it and don’t think about it. Must be nice.

  4. Dear Shauna-

    I enjoyed your book and continue to enjoy your blog – a lot of it resonates with me, but nothing quite so much as this latest entry. My poor husband, B., has been on the surprised end of this outraged response more than once. You’d think we’d both learn, but not so much…Thanks for the morning chuckle.


  5. hahaha, too funny! Sometimes I think there should be a support group for our men… Lovers of Fat Chicks Anonymous or something πŸ˜‰ I’m constantly jumping down my boy’s throat for innocent comments taken wrong. How do they put up with us?! (At least it makes for amusing blog entries though! haha)


  6. Oh man… that conversation happens between me and my husband constantly… I think he is lighting into me about eating and he is just stunned that I want more of the same! I am always convinced he is lighting into me about something related to food though, cause he is thin and I’m not… great post! πŸ™‚

  7. Ooooh! That all sounds far too familiar.

    I am so glad I am not the only one who reacts at comments like those. Innocent remarks that we decided are loaded with…well, “implied gluttony”.

    At least you made it witty; often, those conversations don’t end in such a happy way with me and my husband!

    Brilliant! : )

  8. I’m glad to know that it isn’t just MY husband who puts his foot in it frequently. They really are wired differently when it comes to food…. weirdos.

  9. “Her tones are powerful and easily absorbed.” That absolutely cracked me up! I know the feeling πŸ™‚ Anyway, I just wanted to comment and say that I’ve been reading your book and really enjoying it. Thanks for the great read.

  10. Oh, what a lovely Gareth. Perhaps I should move to Scotland and find me one?

    The local redheads might not take kindly if we keep importing ourselves though ; )

  11. Brilliant, I don’t think you are alone in reading way too much into an innocent comment from an unsuspecting man! But speaking of comments from men have you seen this week’s Grazia? There is an awful man who monitors his (very slim) wife’s weight and tells her as soon as he thinks she has put on weight – makes me even happier to have a boyfriend who just doesn’t notice.

  12. Hilarious! Although I’ve made a lot of changes to my body… I haven’t achieved the same success with my mindset. I’m working on it. Glad I’m not alone!!

  13. I can totally relate to the paranoia hoochie…I went into Greggs (honestly it was for one sausage roll for the DD!!) and as I walked in the woman looked at me and said “chubbalub”!! Now instantly I wanted to a) cry or b) deck her or c) go home and throw up but I queried her greeting and she said she was trying to remember the name of the lollies they sell in chemists (Chupa Chups)….or at least that’s what she said…cow!!!

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