The Yoga Thief

Give me a few weeks and this'll be me. FER SURE! Our Scottish Phrase of the Day is: "full of the cold". I'm currently full of the cold. Woe!

In Australia I used to say I was under the weather or fluey or getting slaughtered by the snot monster but over here people tend to say I'm full of the cold.

Not sure if this means if you sleep with unsavoury people you might end up Full of The Clap? Or if someone talks rubbish they are Full of the Shit?

Prior to filling up with The Cold, I made my shambolic return to yoga on Monday. I forgot to pack my pants, as in trousers, and didn't realise until I went to get changed after work. So I raced to the shops but the only ones I could find were two sizes larger than normal. This was not really a problem for my ultra-sturdy thighs but very troublesome at the waist, as I discovered at 5.52 PM, trying to hitch them up as I galloped to the high school where the class is held.

I was late and sweaty so had to hurl the mat down and try to switch into om mode right away. Helpfully the class is in the library so you automatically feel the need calm down and be quiet. Most of my exercise is of the "push your body til you feel like you're going to spew" variety (kickboxing and RPM), so it's good to be balancing things with the yoga and salsa.

The teacher was lovely with that low, soothing Yoga Voice. She loaned me her belt thingy to assist my hamstrings. They're rubbish at the best of times but I've hurt my knee again (another story) and when I lay down I couldn't raise the right leg off the floor any higher than about 45Β°. Meanwhile everyone else had a nice 90Β° or casually flung their leg over their head. All in good time ladies. All in good time.

I was worried I'd be zonked afterwards but I felt really energised. I said my thank yous then scurried down the road to kickboxing. Already I was convinced I'd stick with this class, unlike the one I did back in 2007. That one was in a crowded room at an awkward time with a little too much chanting. 

It wasn't until halfway through kickboxing that I realised with horror that I didn't pay for the class!!! I rushed in and out so quickly and completely forgot. What a numpty! What kind of animal does a runner from a yoga class?! The lady must be cursing my name in soft, earthy tones. First I steal her animated .gif and then I steal her expertise!

By the time I finished kickboxing her other class was over, so I left a frantic message to explain that I'm not really Full of the Crime, just in an awful hurry. Next week (if I'm Emptied of Cold) I'll be more organised.

34 thoughts on “The Yoga Thief

  1. Nice! I am impressed with your ability to be full of the cold, and yet still try yoga. Wow. And then kickboxing. You’ve got the goods, my dear!

  2. No – I’ve never heard anyone say that they were ‘Full of the Clap’. I have, however, met many people who are ‘Full of (the) Shit!’

  3. Hilarious! You’ve gone and stolen Yoga instructions! πŸ˜› I’m sure she’ll forgive you when you come back. Glad to hear you enjoyed it though, makes me wonder if I should give it another shot…my last experience was similar to your first one…crowded with a lot of chanting.

    Hope you get over being “full of the cold” soon!

  4. I am glad that you enjoyed your first yoga class. I just started yoga myself, and I enjoy it, until the instructor tries to get us to do headstandy crazy poses. Then I just get cranky and headachy. πŸ™‚ Oooh well.

    I’m sure your next class will be better. At least you’ll have the right pants. πŸ™‚

    Hope you feel better soon!


  5. You made me laugh, I can so see myself all flustered like that too my first day of anything. I’m sure she knew you weren’t trying to be “full of the crime” lol.

  6. wow, you went to yoga, while you have a cold??!! kudos to you, all i ever want to do is have a hot bath and stuff tissues up my nose!

  7. BWahahhaaa! Nice one sas πŸ˜€

    @Big_Mummy – The cold didn’t arrive til Tuesday!

    I better edit the entry to clarify, lest people think I am one of those martyr types who battle on when ill and spray their bugs all over town πŸ˜€

    cheers fer the comments folks!

  8. Great post title – it sounds like a novel!

    Cool yoga teachers are the best – sometimes I would forget to get the cash out before going to class (I’d only remember once I got there, and it was cash only) and my teacher would always let me pay the next week.

    Hope you feel better soon! x

  9. Glad you clarified on the pants: I bought the UK version of “What Not to Wear” from a woman in Britan, and then emailed her to ask if women really wore pants with dresses like in the book. In her reply she seemed shocked and said, “well, some younger women don’t, I guess.” It took a while before I realized that I meant “trousers” and she meant “underwear.” Here I was giving the false impression that we Yanks are all running around with exposed privates under our skirts.

    So all I can picture is you doing a lopsided Downward Dog while holding onto your waistband with one hand.

  10. You say you are full of the cold when it has filled you up right from your feet upwards and is now beginning to run out your nose. Just so you know.

  11. You will be on Crimewatch:

    “Do you recognise this woman? She walked into class, stole a poor unsuspecting yoga teacher’s zen and made her getaway, leaving everyone on the floor. Oversized trousers and red nose would indicate some sort of circus connections”

  12. I remember always being thrilled if there was a man in my yoga class on the basis that they were always more rubbish then me (and hardly bendy at all – you wonder how they put their socks on!). Until one day I met Mr Uber-bendy and had to abandon that particular prejudice and slink away, tail between legs. I don’t actually have a tail, it’s just a figure of speech btw…

    In England, it’s full of cold; no ‘the’. Just so you know what to say if you stray south of the border!

  13. you crack me up.

    and, alas, I was coming here to say KARMA IS A B*TCH and the cold is the wrath of yogis from the great beyond—-but methinks someone else already said that.

    so Ill just say FEEL BETTER.

  14. omg stealing yoga has to be bad karma! I stole a foccacia the other day — walked out of the sandwich shop after I ate it then realised I hadn’t paid!!!! And I keep forgetting to go back and fix them up. I blame it on old age, and sandwich shops that don’t charge you until after you eat.

  15. Dude, whenever you say spew I laugh my head off. Definitely an under used word here in the northern hemisphere!

  16. “I rushed in and out so quickly and completely forgot. What a numpty! What kind of animal does a runner from a yoga class?! ”

    Hahahahhaaha! That one made me crow with laughter out loud at work. You are a funny lady!

    I hope we don’t see you on Crimewatch. I hear that stealing animated gifs and not paying for a yoga class are gateway crimes to bigger things!

  17. Hope you feel better soon! This post provided a much needed lift on a crummy day.

  18. I’ve never yet met a Yoga instructor whose primary goal was money. I promise you she didn’t think twice about it and will be grateful when you remind her at the next class.
    Besides most classes I’ve ever attending offer the first class free.

  19. God I LOVE LOVE LOVE you….so funny and so witty….what can I say ? Many feel the same way I do about you!

  20. I wish I could bend like that animated gif. Just watching her makes my back feel better. Has she got a mullet?
    Maybe the yoga teacher was deserving of some bad karma. Who knows why?? Don’t feel bad. You were probably merely a cog in the cosmic wheel.

  21. Oh no! Full of the cold AND with a sore knee! That doesn’t seem fair. I hope they both get better soon.

    My English husband’s family would say you were “thick in the clear”. Now that’s more obscure than “full of the cold”, I think…

    I wear trousers with dresses all the time. I don’t know that much else I do would meet with Trinny and Susannah’s approval, though!

  22. Actually, I wonder if yoga might actually help scare of the snot monster?

    Glad you are taking to the class so much, isn’t a great feeling when you find something that just clicks?

  23. That was HILARIOUS!! I got such a visual of you galloping while hitching up your pants/trousers. I am not sure if I have ever commented before or just wrote comments in my thoughts, but I have been reading your blog for a few months and bought your book. I love both and they encourage me – a 54 year old mom of four with about 75 pounds I need to lose.
    Thank you so much for sharing your story – and making me laugh!!

  24. Suddenly my RSS feeder decided to update with your last 10 posts. What happened? It’s great to have a super-intense DietGirl dose all at once.

    Anyway, I delurked to say I feel like our house is like an outpost of Scotland right here in the good old USA. We understand “full of the cold” and “pants” vs. “trousers”… “knackered”, “oaksters” (sp?). It’s funny because our eldest son actually corrects his dad sometimes.

  25. In my family, we say “I’ve got the punnies” when we’re sick. Punnies aren’t hospital sick-just feeling really bad, maybe stay at home sick. (Punnies is the plural of puny.)

    Loved the entry. I’ve suggested yoga to my 78 yr old Dad to help him in his grief recovery. (My mom died 2 months ago.) He’s having trouble shutting off his brain when he goes to bed. He’s going to check it out when he gets back from visiting my brother.

  26. Being full of the cold you’ll be a wee bit peely-wally too I expect. Tell me – does yoga make you (forgive the crudity)fart? I think I might be constitutionally challenged – it’s either that or too much Activia Yog. You know on the ad where it says “reduces bloating”? I know now what that means. So does everyone else in my bendy yoga class.

  27. I have to say, ‘ full of the clap’ is the most disturbing thing I’ve ever heard!

    I love yoga, particularly Bikram Yoga.

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