Golf is evil

On Saturday afternoon Gareth and I went to a driving range to whack some golf balls. Neither of us have any interest in golf but we were both in a cranky mood (boring homeowner issues) and needed to hit things.

The driving range, a former cow shed, was empty except for a cluster of teenage boys. I felt about seven hundred years old because as soon as they saw us they hastily stubbed out their cigarettes and tried to look busy. Do we really look that old now?! I've never smoked in my life but I wanted to pick up a smouldering stump and puff away, just to let them know I was young and hip to the cancer sticks.

Then I wanted to run away as I hated the thought of the youths witnessing my lack of skill. There is no laughter more mocking that the the multi-pitched cackle of a teenage boy. But they turned out to be very lovely and helpful, perhaps overcompensating for us busting them with the ciggies, "Have you been here before? Do you know how to use the ball machine? Do you know where the shop is?". Are you lost, old people!?

(I think Gareth was crushed to realise the anti-aging properties of his baggy jeans and hoodie uniform may finally be wearing off.)

Before long we had the cow shed to ourselves and I was quickly reminded that I freaking stink at golf. I didn't nearly kill anyone this time, though I did hit the wall of the shed three times. How the hell the ball managed to turn 90 degrees I will never know, but I do know that I hate golf. At least with a driving range you just hit the balls and leave. It would be so much worse if you had to wander around a course for hours, hating golf while old men in crazy trousers tut-tutted at your incompetence.

Anyway the point of this post was to tell that I now have Golf DOMS. DOMS of course being delayed onset muscle soreness. Somehow 45 minutes of ball-whacking (and pirouetting because I couldn't keep my feet planted) has resulted in two completely useless arms today. My biceps are on fire and the underside of my forearms hurt like hell. I cannot straighten my arms properly. Go go gadget robot arms!

DOMS, from a driving range. Ha ha ha, say the golfers of the world, this is what you get for mocking our sport. Gareth is in pain too, but since it's Man DOMS you can imagine it is so, so much worse.


23 thoughts on “Golf is evil

  1. Probably not the point, as this seems to be a cautionary tale, but I have a real desire to go to a driving range now!! πŸ™‚

    Changing the subject, are you running any of the distances in next weekend’s Edinburgh Marathon Festival? (If I see you, I might get a bit fangirly, so a bit of early warning would be useful.)

  2. I tried golfing once. I was all “yeah right. Old people walking around is not a real sport” and the day after I felt like I was made of steel. Not “strong as steel”, more “stiff as steel”.

    Definitely not my cup of tea, but I learnt not to diss anithing until I’ve tried it πŸ™‚

  3. @Sarah – Alas no, running and my knee still don’t agree! Are you running then? πŸ™‚ I would have come over to say hello but I’ll be out of town! Hope it goes well (and the weather behaves itself too!)

  4. Haha πŸ™‚ Golf is evil. I totally agree. I went with my dad a couple months ago and did about as well as you described.

    I love your description of self-comparison to the teenage boys. Too funny! Sadly, I feel similarly on a regular basis.

  5. I have avoided golf for almost the same reasons you hate it. I have managed to hit a parked car in a parking lot at mini-golf, I do not want to know what kind of damage I could do with the full size version!

  6. Just the 5km, lol, anything further scares me, and calling what I do “running” is a stretch. Plus, the first 1k or so is up a steep hill – bugger that for a game of soldiers!! πŸ˜‰

  7. I tried golfing–ONCE! And ONCE was enuff. I played ONE hole, could hardly hit the ball, swinging hard and completely missing it several times before making contact and watching the ball roll forward about 5 feet. I got back on the cart, in tears and completely frustrated, and for the next 17 holes, I was official golf cart driver, nothing else. I must say though, I liked driving the cart! Golf is MUCH MUCH harder than it looks when I watch Tiger Woods win tournaments on TV.

  8. Thanks for your comments everyone!

    @Sarah – is it Holyrood Park? If so, that IS a mother of hill indeed! πŸ™‚

  9. Loved your golf post! I am one of the “addicted” ones! I don’t play well, but I really enjoy it…most of the time! πŸ˜‰ Some days I’m only there for the beer!

  10. I think one of the key treatments for golf-induced DOMS is the liberal internal application of a quality alcoholic liniment during the time-honored tradition of visiting the 19th Hole:-)

  11. Holyrood has a mother of a hill???? Shauna, don’t do that to me, I’m freaking out about the race for life enough as it is!!!!

    And nothing will ever beat the DOMS of my first ever body pump class…..couldn’t straighten my arms for 3 days and whimpered every time I had to answer the phone at work!

  12. I love golf! But the way we play it is, we go to the local driving range with adult beverages in our bags, and it’s 99 degrees out, and we drink and sweat like crazy (it’s like a spa for only $15/person) so that we are all loosened up for the swinging. Which is indeed so much more strenuous than you would imagine. Then we go have fish tacos. The end.

  13. Shauna and Phillipakate – yes, going up Arthurs Seeat the steep way (it is indeed a mother of a hill) – and not only am I doing it on Saturday, but also the Race For Life in about 4 weeks’ time…!! I think attempting the hill twice is tantamount to the definition of insanity (? doing something stupid over and over in the hope of a different result?) – I’ll definitely be DOMSy in my glutes and quads next week, I’m already dreading it, haha.

    (Secretly, I quite like DOMS. Makes me feel like I actually EARNED the aches and soreness…)

  14. Laura – Mwahahah nice one πŸ™‚

    Ginger, that sounds fantastic, like my kind of day out.

    Sarah! I’ll be at that Race for Life too, minding the bags for PhilippaKate and other Up & Running members! If you need a bag-minder too, I’m your woman! πŸ™‚

    PK – It’s really not that bad, I promise. It’s character building!

  15. Guffaw! It’s good to know I’m not alone in golf ineptitude! I had a go at a driving range once and was SO bad that ‘proper golfers’ passing by felt compelled to brave the golf balls and bits of turf that were falling (mostly behind me) to come and offer advice. They were very kind to me, I suspect they’d never seen anyone quite that bad before πŸ™‚

  16. I can’t connect with the ball (ever, at all, period) to drive. I can putt fairly well. So no matter what direction the balls go, I give you huge credit you can hit them.

  17. Shauna–LOVE the new picture. Has it been up a while, cause I just noticed it?

  18. Shauna:(I think Gareth was crushed to realise the anti-aging properties of his baggy jeans and hoodie uniform may finally be wearing off.) Yep, you made me realize I have a few silly, too young for me, outdated things I have to let go of. Not just men hang on to the look of their youth.

    “Gareth is in pain too, but since it’s Man DOMS you can imagine it is so, so much worse.” Universal truth that all women live with. Thanks for saying it Shauna.

  19. I hate golf too, and confess I would never have come up with a visit to a driving range to work off angst. Personally, I’ve always fancied a place full of shelves and shelves of crockery that you can throw against a concrete wall whilst shrieking like a baboon in labour. I reckon that would be pleasingly cathartic. Maybe I should go on Dragon’s Den with that idea? (PS My mum and I are also doing the Race for Life in Edinburgh next month and my mother somehow persuaded me to do the 10k version instead of the normal 5k. How the hell did that happen????)

  20. Shauna, I have played golf for years and didn’t realise what great exercise it was until I injured my ankle and had 6 months off. When I returned to the game I couldn’t believe how hard it was to just get around 18 holes let alone swinging all the way. Still…I’ve just started Lawn Bowls (yeah, yeah I know but early retirement pushes you towards these activities)and I can’t believe how my leg muscles are developing. I guess the 100 or so squats you do during the 3 hours of playing should be beneficial some how.

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