The Great Frock Hunt

Holy farking shit, Batman! I just entered the Race for Life! It’s a very popular fundraiser, a 5k race in aid of Cancer Research UK. I’ve signed up for the Edinburgh event on June 5.

That doesn’t sound like very fair away at all, eep! But I really need to shake things up and find new ways of getting fit. Training for the 5k should be fun and hard work, and the Good Cause factor will keep me motivated and full o guilt 😉 I’ll get cracking once this wedding and honeymooning palaver is over.

I can’t believe how bad my wedding procrastination is that I would rather sign up for running races than go dress shopping. I did have a wee look on the weekend but soon got cranky with how SLEEVELESS everything is! I’m not even looking for a wedding-y type frock – just a nice fancy dress that you could wear for a formal do, you know? But it’s all either tiny wee straps or no freaking straps at all, so all the world sees are my pale wobbly ham-like limbs. And I don’t want one of those wrap-thingies to hide my arms coz with me it always looks like I am obviously trying to hide something AND I am really uncoordinated and don’t need additional "bits" to worry about.

I’m off to London this weekend to visit my sister and hit the shops. I have a grand budget of about £200 including dress, shoes, accessories and/or Bridget Jones-esque magic squishy-in undies. Oh dear.

I am dreading this big style. It’s all such a hurry, and it’s the wrong season to be a looking for something for a size 16/18 person who wants to hide both legs and arms. I just have a sinking feeling we will run around town for two days and I’ll end up in some frumpy sack, whatever I can force my flesh into. I hate shopping. ARRRGH.

Nevertheless, it could have been worse. I seem to have lost a few inches over the past four weeks. My grey trousers that threatened to disembowel me mid-January now fit perfectly, as does the jumper that was skin-tight and itchy. My undies aren’t digging into me anymore. I’ve been gymming like a mofo this past three weeks, including three Body Pump classes last week, so I’m feeling quite good.

I’m so reluctant to post these things, the Little Changes I’ve noticed. Last year I so rarely did it, coz I thought I’d jinx myself if I shared some success and I wouldn’t lose any more. But the only way that will happen is if I stop eating healthily and/or stop exercising. So from now my tactic is to give you guys FULL DISCLOSURE! There’s no point skulking around. I need some accountability. Meanwhile, unlike last year, I’ve decided not to mention my weight-loss efforts at work, coz they’ll only try and feed me cakes.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Bloody hell, life is moving so quick at the moment. Four weeks from today I will be Mrs Scottish Companion. March 3 is the big day, mark it in yer diaries, kids! I guess that means I should hurry up and find something to wear.

Anyway, apologies for yesterday’s hasty entry. I usually write my entries at work and post them when I get home, but work has been too crazy for that. So instead of a nice coherent entry you’re stuck with random ramblings!

I was pretty happy with the 0.6 kg lost last week, but I need to be careful on the weekends. I did my very last shift of my shitty second job on Saturday, and had a few chocolate digestive biscuits and other rubbish, my reasoning being, "I’ll never be here again with these FREE COOKIES!". By Saturday night I had no energy and a throbbing headache. It’s amazing how quickly bad food makes me feel bad. I got right back on track though, which is progress.

There is so much change going on at the moment my head is swimming. There’s the whole marriage thing and before that the moving house thing, the finding a frock thing. Then the applying for the visa thing. All in the next month. But as sad as this is going to sound, the change I am most flustered about is the Gym Change. I got hold of the timetable for the Council gym near SC’s place and it’s alright I spose. It’s just not the smorgasbord of classes I’ve been spoiled with at my current place. I could go on any day or night and there’d always be something on. If I missed Pump on one night, rest assured there’s be another in a day or so. With this place there’s only two Pumps I could make, one Body Combat and one Body Balance per week. And no Body Jam.

Waaaah! My current gym is great coz the classes are scheduled so you can do a cardio class followed by Pump, or vice versa, so you can get in a great cardio and weight training session in one visit to the gym. As I’ve said before, I thrive on being told what to do – in the exercise sense. I like the classes because they push me to my limit, whereas on my own doing running or some cardio machine I often get bored or lazy.

Looks like I will have to get over that if I want to get fit. Let’s look at this as an opportunity to shake up the routine and push myself harder without the use of a shouty instructor. But if anyone wants to buy me a PERSONAL TRAINER for a wedding gift, knock yourself out! People keep asking us about gift registers but we don’t need towels or ice buckets or casserole dishes. Hehe.

How’re you all doing?

Modus Operandi

A big hello to the anonymous person who emailled me re the last entry and told me to Get Over It and Move On.

Well, DERR! I did! That was the whole point of the entry! Here’s the sentence with the big clue: "I am SO over it, all that anxiety and stress and excuse-making. I ready to move forward." But it would have been a bit of a pointless entry if I had not explained to you what I was getting over in the first place.

As I also said in that entry, I’m back on track and this here new entry is about my plan of attack.

First thing I’ve decided to do what I did waaaay back in 2001 – weigh in weekly and post it on here. Put it in public every week, good or bad, instead of updating only every few weeks when I’ve had a decent result! Mwahaha. Some seriously accountability is needed. Since Wednesday was Back On Track day, that will become Weigh Day. I might even get myself a blow-up doll and dress it up like a Weight Watchers Weigh Lady, and teach it say, "You coulda peed half a pound", "Did you drink all your water?" or "Well maybe it’s coz muscle weighs more than fat" and other banalities.

Fitness wise, I am sticking with gym classes for the next six weeks or so. Soon I’ll be moving in with SC and away from my Fancy Gym, so I want to do all the Fancy Classes while I still can. I will have to take my pampered ass to the local council gym once I make the move, but I always knew I didn’t belong at such as posh place anyways. Och well.

Since this new gym won’t have as many interesting classes, I’ve come up with some new challenges for 2005.

  • After the wedding it’s back into the running and I’m going to do the Race for Life 5K in June. It’s for a good cause so this means I will have to guilt-trip myself into action.
  • Learn to ride that freaking mountain bike without crying like a big baby! Did I tell you about that last summer? I can’t find the entry/ SC tried to get me to have a go on his mountain bike and of course, I freaked out coz I hadn’t been on one since I was 11 and forgotten how. Rather, convinced myself I had. Made a huge deal about it and got self-conscious after pedaling three metres and cried. Long story. Anyway, I will learn to ride that damn bike come summertime.
  • Try SC’s kickboxing class that he’s been pestering me about for ages. It’s 90 minutes – the first half grueling cardio and strength work like skipping and press-ups, then you get into the sparring. It ain’t Body Combat – you get to kick and punch REAL PEOPLE. He says it is a grueling workout and really helps the ol fitness levels. I say kicking the crap out of each other once a week will help to iron out any tension in the relationship. I am scared coz he is quite fit and so are his friends, but the other part of me is curious and really loves to KICK!

If I can get these done in 2005, then 2006 will be about me learning to swim again, since I seem to have lost the ability to do more than swallow water and snort it out my nose when I try to do some laps. How the hell do you forget to swim? I guess I am the same moron who forgot how to ride a bike, so anything’s possible!

Anyway, the food. I am finding it much easier to eat well without my sister. My tastes are much simpler (okay, lazier) so I am making less complicated meals with fewer ingredients. I’m sticking to around 1500 cals per day, as recommended by Slimming magazine, but increasing that slightly (1750 or so) if the body sings FEED ME on an exercise day.

So today is Day 5 and I’ve handed some dicey situations really well. I had a good chat to SC and told him about my Hell For Leather approach and he’s been really great having healthy food at his place and coaxing me down from the ledge when I went into crazy sugar-withdrawals (mixed with PMS) on Day 2.

I’ll be back for Wednesday Weigh Day so stay tuned! How’s your week going?

The Awful Truth

In the spirit of honesty and disclosure, here are some of the excuses I used for eating extremely poorly over the past six weeks or so:

  • My sister is leaving, we'll never go out to [insert name of any number of restaurants] together again, so what the hell!
  • It's the staff Xmas party so I'm having a bacon roll for breakfast with the rest of the guys!
  • Soon I'll be moving into Bagpipe's place which is twenty miles from the Fancy Chocolate Shop so I am going to buy two bars and scoff them down even though I'm about to go out for a boozy lunch with friends
  • It's my mate's farewell dinner so must celebrate with triple vodka and cranberry and handfuls of chips
  • It's Christmas Night and I just worked all day and now I'm in an empty house so I deserve a Thai Takeaway
  • It's our Belated Xmas dinner so I will make this huge Heart Attack In A Bowl Butterscotch And Banana Trifle even though I could easily half or third the recipe since it's only the two of us eating it and we'll end up sick on the leftovers.
  • It's Xmas and it's cold outside so I will have another glass of port (and so on until I had drank the ENTIRE BOTTLE over six day period)
  • Poooor me at work on New Years Day and the shops are closed so I will have to eat these chocolates/ cheeses/ mini quiches/ samosas/ cookies that they're offering me, then go back for more when noone is looking!
  • Bagpipes is in the bath so I will sneak a handful of Cadbury Roses chocolates from the giant tin his Mum gave him even though it's rubbish chocolate coz it's THERE and he'll never know if I stash the wrappers in my handbag!
  • My future is sooo uncertain and this situation is sooo stressful that I may as well have cheese on toast for dinner and a block of chocolate for dessert!
  • I just got engaged so I'm having the scone with butter and jam for breakfast, bringing in cakes for my colleagues and THEN go out for a three course meal with more wine.

The diet books always want you to pinpoint your triggers, to figure out the reasons for your poor choices. But I seem to cover every single one of them. Loneliness, boredom, frustration, anger, extreme anxiety, happiness, mindless intoxication. Secret eating, boozy eating, lazy eating. I've done it all, baby.

All I know is that it started with a couple of tiny Celebrations chocolates, you know those seemingly innocent mini versions of Mars Bars and Maltesers and other cheap, sickly candies. A colleague gave me a box as a gift and I opened them and told everyone in the office to go for it. I stayed away all of half an hour til I thought, "Maybe a little tiny Milky Way would go down nicely…"

Once the cravings were kicked off by those crappy chocs, all I could think about was food, more more more, I craved the textures and the feeling of it. Once again, I just lost that ability to stop and think. All my steady, consistent gymming and sensible eating went out the window. I just didn't let up for weeks and weeks. I just stopped thinking about what I was doing, completely. The voice that knows a whole tub of Ben & Jerry's is not a dinner had fallen silent.

Needless to say I felt like shit. Not only had I been consuming a truckload of fat and sugar, my body was also trying to deal with alcohol, something that had never been a problem for me before. I kept laying on the couch at SC's place (after yet another bowl of leftover trifle), so bloated it was bordering on painful. No energy, no self esteem left. Moaning out loud, "WHY am I doing this to myself? Why don't I stop?!". I kept postponing the "Back On Track" date as different opportunities to eat crap food came up. It got so bad that when SC put his arm round me as he slept, as he does very often, I had to move coz it felt like a log had fallen on me, all heavy and painful on my tortured gut.

So yeah. My eating has been atrocious. On Wednesday morning I decided it was time to face up to reality, so I hopped on the scale. I weighed 95.9 kilos. In the morning. In the nude. Last official weigh-in posted here in November, I was 92.4 in clothes and heavy gym shoes!

Good lord.

I'm a disgrace, kids – this I know. And you will probably be disappointed especially if you have looked up to me as some sort of weight loss success. But now that I have definite plans for my future, goals and dates, I am SO over it, all that anxiety and stress and excuse-making. I ready to move forward. I have done some damage but this past week I did a lot of writing and planning and goal-setting and got ready to rock.

SO, the first thing I did was to sit down and work out my motivations.

Health
I've never, ever felt so shit from a period of bad eating before. Maybe it's the contrast from normal eating/exercise and shock to the body, coz when I was 150 kilos I don't remember ever feeling so ill and in actual pain. Headaches, stomach aches, bloating, insomnia, moodiness, crying from feeling so miserable.

Diabetes is rampant in my family, and I am petrified I will end up with it if I keep doing this. So I am back on track for my health, both physical and mental. I will also go get a diabetes test just to make sure, it's been two years since the last so it can't hurt.

Vanity
A wedding is the mother of all vanity goals! And looks like I'll be having a few of them. Weddings, that is. There'll be a shindig in Scotland and then a wee party in Australia – we're planning to visit in early October. The Australia one is what really has me motivated. I'll have all my friends and family in the one spot, and most of them won't have seen me for anywhere between two and five years. COOL! So I have nine months in which to be looking my foxiest. Never mind showing off the new husband, I want to show off ME! Dietgirl's Triumphant Return To The Homeland!

Ha ha! But seriously, can you blame me for wanting to be dazzling? Short of landing at the party in a helicopter on top of a red carpet, the most spectacular entrance I can think of is to just be looking sexy as hell and actually having some freakin' confidence, instead of being the occassional-joke-cracking wallflower they remember. As added motivation, I've lined up a photographer already. One of my favourite Aussie photobloggers has agreed to do the shots! I am so excited as I love their stuff to bits. It may be a couple years before I see my friends and family again so I want photos to remember the day by, and it wouldn't hurt if I was looking decent in 'em!

So yeah, I gotta say, the vanity motivation is strong.

Insane Competitive Streak
I want to be at my goal by this time next year. The Five Year Plan, baby. I like things to be wrapped into neat little packages. So I will be going hell for leather in 2005 and tie a big red freaking ribbon around the whole project by 2006.

Next entry I'll write about my specific goals and methods for the fat busting. But for now, a BIG FAT LARDY thanks to the stacks of groovy groovers who commented or emailled about me and Bagpipes getting engaged. I had no idea there was so many people reading, and you were all so funny and genuinely happy for us, it really made my day. I have saved every single comment notification emails in a folder called ENGAGED! and printed out all the emails and put them in a file called WOOHOO. This is the sorta shit you look back on in fifty years and think, ahh, humanity rules.

And The Bride Wore Blubber

What a difference 24 hours makes! I finally have some news, groovers. He proposed this morning! I said yes! 

Can you believe it? I’m going to marry Bagpipes, as Airlie called him. Are you excited? I’M EXCITED. I wanted this so badly, it felt so right. The turning point for me was during SC’s Rawk Concert when I looked up at him and swooned and knew I never wanted to be with anyone else. But I never really told anyone that marriage was my desired outcome – as opposed to deportation or a work permit – coz I am always afraid if I say things out loud they will never happen!

Anyway, I am saying it now. Woohoo! It took SC a few more months to realise that was what he wanted too, and I have to tell you I have never been so happy in my entire life. Proposing to someone in bed at 2.02 AM is a little different, but to me it is perfect and I will never, ever forget it. The tone of his voice and the happiness when I said yes and the way my whole life just seemed to fall into place. I was so stunned and shocked and kept saying, "I’m so stunned and shocked!". He said to me so sweetly, "Well that’s what you get for being so nice to someone. For letting someone just be who they are and encouraging them and loving them. And for being a chick who likes MotoGP."

My eloquent response? "I’m so excited I could SPEW!"

Let’s get back to the fat for a moment. You may have guess what I’m going to say. That I am slightly annoyed with myself for not busting some lard last year and eating like a pork over Christmas, as I will be a rather dumpy bride on a budget. Not that we have made any plans yet, but I ain’t going to be looking my best! I have 11 weeks til my visa ends, so we’ll be getting hitched sometime before then – not much time for a miracle!

But you can’t turn back the clock, and as I said the other day, I don’t begrudge 2004 and all the fun I had instead of focusing on my weight. I never thought I would feel so relaxed about the whole thing, but I am just so happy that SC and I are going to stay together that the other issues pale into insignificance. I am sure I will scrub up reasonably well, somehow 🙂